*New* Father Trying2Get Fiance back* Child in Middle*She's seeing a new guy now*

[guesswhozbak17]

I will do my best to keep it short...

I'm stuck...trying to break myself out of this pattern.

 

Currently, my ex is moving forward in life. She's progressing and I'm stuck. We have a 2 yr old son together. She is going to visit her new boyfriend in another state this Valentines Day weekend. I'm hurt by it but really trying my best to cope with it. More so, what to do next. My family is falling apart and I am at fault. I am dedicated towards change and becoming a better man for her and our son but things appear to be going from bad to worse. Here's the back story...

 

We were engaged to be married and I messed up.We had been together for 2 years and in year two I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I began to ring shop and made the decision in Dec of 2009 that I would propose the following Fall (as I was still paying the ring off). March of 2010, she was pregnant with our son. We both wanted him so an abortion was out of the question. I honestly was not ready for a child at that moment. I was still becoming a man. But finding out the woman I intended to marry was pregnant with my child motivated me to want to do and become better. I thus put all of my finances into paying off her ring so that I could propose a bit earlier. I got the ring in May and planned to propose around September. Her sister in-law, who she is very close with gave me the extra push I needed and I decided to ask her that summer in July. Everyone in her circle had given me the inclination that she would wanted to marry me even before she became pregnant...so I genuinely feel that we were both madly in love with each other...(I still am). I proposed and she said yes...the happiest day of my life to that point.

I began to plan that we move in together before the birth of our son (She was staying with her aunt, I was staying with my mother). We began to look at apartments together but she thought it was a bad idea to move while she was pregnant...she was due for a winter baby. It made sense to me, I respected her decision.

After our son was born, I began to line up apartments for us to go see once again and this is the first sign of things to change in my opinion. She wasn't as motivated as I was to move in together at that time because I would not have been able to pay for the apartment the first couple of months. I was in the process of changing jobs which would take about 6 months. I suggested my mother pay for the rent and I pay her back in time once I got my feet situated. We actually were working together. She was my boss where we were working and I knew that I needed to generate more income hence my decision to get a better job. I thought I was doing the right thing...taking steps as a man to provide for my woman and our child. We passed up on these great apartments and the opportunity my mother had presented to me. My first mistake I became upset at the fact that we passed up on an opportunity that I felt would have moved us forward in the bigger picture of things. I couldn't understand what the big deal was about who was paying for the rent if I knew I had another job lined up in time. I was thinking ahead and didn't want to risk passing an opportunity because we may not get that chance.

A couple of weeks had passed and I began to become frustrated with not being able to see my son grow on a daily basis. I wanted our family to be together. Again, I felt I was doing the right thing and had the right intentions of trying to fix our situation.

After about 2-3 months, my mother announced that she was buying a huge house. I had landed that new job that I told my fiance I would get. The future looked extremely bright. I became excited at this idea. My mother and I discussed my fiance moving in once we got the house which seemed like a great idea to me. My feelings at that time were, it shouldn't matter where we are or who's roof it is, as long as we're together (Her, myself and our son), we should be fine. The plan WAS to move in together and pay a HIGHLY reduced price of rent so that we could ultimately move and get our own place together. She played with this idea for awhile. She saw the pros and cons and was honestly undecided. To me it was a no-brainer. It made sense to me that a mother would want to be with the father of her child ESPECIALLY when the father wants to be there given how men are in today's society when it comes to raising their children.

My mother and I eventually moved (this is all taking place in the same city) and my fiance and I began fighting A LOT more. I really was not understanding her perspective. I admit now, as I'm disappointed in myself, that I became verbally abusive. I was very frustrated that I could not see my son grow on a daily basis. I was seeing him on weekends. And being that my fiance was from the southern states, her family was really opposed to her spending nights out...to man she was not married to.

This brings me to my second mistake aside from being frustrated at my family not being together, me becoming verbally abusive to her and continually putting her down, I began to paint a bad image of myself of which I AM NOT to her family...specifically my fiance's sister in-law. The constant fighting and arguing put my fiance in a tough spot. I was making her choose between her family and me. Again, I genuinely felt that the picture of us together beginning our family was what every woman wanted. As many have told me, I had the right intentions but went about everything wrong. My third mistake which was the one I think that cost me everything is with every fight we had, I tried to use scare tactics. I would continually tell her that I would go and start a new family since she was so unwilling to compromise with me. I NEVER had any intentions of leaving her or cheating or anything to that nature. I thought I could scare her into moving in with me. That was wrong and I am working now to change that. My frustrations got the absolute best of me because as I look back now, I became a monster I know I am not. I still have text messages between us saved in my phone and I reread them thinking what the hell was I think? I spoke to her as if I hated her when I was and still am so madly in love with this woman. Despite my immaturity, she still stuck by my side. God bless her for that.

 

Fast forward to last summer where I made another mistake. We had just made up from miscommunication from Fathers Day (She didn't get me anything and I was disappointed...to this day she can attest that I have been an AMAZING father to our son)and we opened up about things from the past.

 

*Sidenote* My fiance bottles up ALL her emotions. She buries her pain and I truly wish she would have expressed herself more to me rather than just take what I was dishing out to her. I couldn't see the affect I was having on her (I blame the distance and her not moving in)

 

That night, we prayed (for the first time ever together) and I saw it meant alot to her. She admitted after that she regretted not taking the apartments I had lined up for us after she gave birth and if she could do it all over again, she would have trusted me. That meant a lot to me and I was ready to start clean fresh...except for what happened the following day...

 

I think this was my biggest mistake and to this day I regret it more than anything. If I could go back, I would stop myself from doing everything that happened next

 

We agreed to be better to each other that night and the next day was her birthday. I asked her to spend the night so we can wake up on her birthday and celebrate it together. I saw that night that she WANTED to spend the night...but something was keeping her from doing so...I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was. She ultimately left that night and I felt like my old self and began to plan what I would do for her birthday the next day. Her birthday comes...I can't reach her. I wish her happy birthday respond to my call or text. I log into facebook and see that she was with her sister in-law at six flags celebrating her birthday with everyone she considered important except me. I snap and go on a facebook rant and embarrass her to her entire family...huge mistake that I regret so much. The result was a HUGE verbal warfare between her sister in-law and my cousin over the phone in which A LOT of negative hurtful things were said. It damaged my fiance and I guess that was the true beginning of the end. My actions were highly immature. Even as I'm writing this, I'm so disappointed in myself because I am SMARTER than this...I just couldn't control my emotions. The fact that her family had a clear negative image of me pushed her away. She was hurt and wanted separation. We went to couples therapy that summer and were able to work things out but therapy became expensive and we stopped. She forgave me and we tried to start fresh. We were headed in the right path for the first time since the summer. I made the decision to finally give in to my childish wants and needs and save separately for the bigger picture of our family being together but I messed up again because she was busy every time I tried to arrange for us to meet and discuss my new change and I tried another "scare tactic" and she finally had enough and broke up with me. To quote her, "She gave me what I wanted...the chance to start a new family." Our anniversary was a month later and I tried to make it up to her by doing something extravagant...flowers, candy, showing up at her job, writing her a hand written 9-page apology...but she doesn't want any part of getting back together right now.

 

It's been 3 months since. And as I've said, she's been talking to a new guy from another state and is flying to go visit him next month for the entire Valentine's Day weekend. I'm crush by this because over the 3 months, I've gone out of my way to be an even better father to our son, I travel every other day to go see him and spend time with him, I take care of any financial needs he has. We split care with him every other weekend. But I've seen my ex maybe 7 times over the three month span (from drop offs or a random run in as she is coming home from work and I am leaving her aunts apartment to head home from spending time with our son) There was one good week where I had him during the December break and she FaceTime'd me a bit but it was to see our son. On one specific occasion, she broke down into tears when she saw how much fun my son and I were have via video chat, but I didn't ask why. I thought maybe she was conflicted seeing the "family" but I guess not since she's taking this trip out of state right?

 

Just today, I deleted my facebook because it's hurt me more than it's helped. I am inquiring about anger management because it may help me deal with my emotions better. I'm reading TONS of books on relationships and communication. I am building a relationship with God now in hopes that this can all somehow be fixed...but I am scared. I fear that I will make the changes necessary but that it may be too late. I had access to personal information and discovered she's looking at apartments back in South Carolina, her homestate where her family is and that sucks and hurts too. I'm really not sure what she's going to do. But I'm just praying that I can be the man she fell in love with and somehow turn this all around...for the sake of our son.

 

Hopefully I can get some guidance from this forum. Thanks in advance guys and girls. Please don't rip me apart. I was just a man that had the right heart but went about it all wrong...

[Cheetarah]

Ok, you can't continue to call those mistakes when you do the same thing, over and over and over again. It's part of who you decided to be. Over and over. People can control their reactions - Ultimately, they choose not to and that's what you did here, repeatedly. You were a controller with a temper, you were emotionally abusive.

 

After so many incidents with many promises of change that ultimately isn't truly followed up on, people stop listening to your words and your apologies(rightfully so) and watch your actions. Your word has become impossible to trust.

 

I'm crush by this because over the 3 months, I've gone out of my way to be an even better father to our son, I travel every other day to go see him and spend time with him, I take care of any financial needs he has.

 

You should be going out of your way to be a better father to your son, ANYWAY. This needs to be completely separate of any kind of reconciliation attempts on your part. He has nothing to do with it, and should be treated like gold, regardless. Contrary to popular belief, women are not so desperate that you can win them merely by being good to their(YOUR!) kids. It's quite transparent.

 

I would absolutely continue with seeking out anger management therapies and other things to help you learn how to better cope with and communicate your emotions, but take her out of the equation as the reason for doing it. This ship very well may have sailed and "too little, too late". You're always going to have to deal with her being the mother of your child, so anything to better teach you how to communicate properly, with respect, is necessary.

 

. I had access to personal information and discovered she's looking at apartments back in South Carolina

 

What does this mean? Are you poking around through her private things?

[guesswhozbak17]

In response to your first statement

You are right. My mistakes did repeat. In our breakup conversation, she made it clear to me that she gave me plenty of chances as I was asking for another chance. I disagreed with her because while I was being abusive towards her, she never expressed it. She did not shed one tear. We would argue, but she would typically take the blame and say that she would try harder and would try to change. Looking back, I don't want to justify my abuse...but I wish she would have once displayed her hurt while she was going thru it. When she broke up with me, I was completely shocked as to where all the tears and hurt had stemmed from. It wasn't until that moment when I saw how hurt she was did I finally start to look at myself as being the problem. I know had she show any sign of this earlier, I believe I would have self reflected. I understand that she feels she gave me plenty of chances. But I also feel as if with a 2nd chance now that I have self reflected, I can better manage things as I'm now fully aware of what the value of my words have. Instead, I have to watch her be with someone else for now.

 

In response to your second statement

I was being the best father that I could be when her and I were together. Once she broke up with me, I just took it to another notch because I didn't want her to remotely believe or think that I would be less of a father. I still feel deep down inside I can still be an even better father if the three of us we to somehow reconcile and start fresh, but that's just not the situation right now. I dread the title of "co-parent" but it's what I am. Being raised without a father myself, my passion stemmed from the lack of hence why I so strongly fought to be "together."

 

In response to your question

She is not tech-savey at all and wanted me to look at an email in her email about our sons health insurance. It was right below that I saw her flight details for Valentines Day weekend. Her password is still my name which was shocking to me, maybe she just never got a chance to change it. But I have NO intentions of snooping around in her email. I was hurt to see that and made no mention of it to her. She may not have even realized I would see it...maybe it was intentional. But with all the changes I've begun to make, it definitely was a blow to my confidence to see that. It sucks because last year on Valentines Day, I couldn't get her to go out of town with me and we're only 30 minutes to an hour away from each other but a year later she's hopping on a plane to fly a bunch of states away to go see this new guy. Just hoping that God is doing this for a reason...

[Cheetarah]

while I was being abusive towards her, she never expressed it. She did not shed one tear. We would argue, but she would typically take the blame and say that she would try harder and would try to change. Looking back, I don't want to justify my abuse...but I wish she would have once displayed her hurt while she was going thru it.

 

Well, you kinda just did. It wasn't up to her to help you self-reflect. Your continual outbursts and meanness perhaps taught her to placate you. It is very mean to say you will start a new family every time you didn't get your way, to drive a wedge between her and her family, etc. That would knock a lot of people into submission, at least for a time.

 

Just hoping that God is doing this for a reason...

 

Honey, this is at your hands, here. This was at your doing, your creation. It's natural consequence to poor action and behavior. You treated her poorly, she leaves, she moves on.

 

Don't give up self-betterment. You'll be a much happier person if you continue to push through. All I can say, is be sure it is for you. When we change aspects of ourselves for other people it's usually not very sustainable because conditions are already being placed on it. They aren't doing it because they're sick of living that way but because they don't want the other person to leave, or whatever the case. So it's very easy to slip back(this is essentially what happened with you guys previously).

[sharky988]

An important part of being a dad is being a role model for your child. If you have a son, it's showing him how to be in the world and how to treat women. If you have a daughter, you're basically her template for what kind of man to be with when she grows up.

 

I know, as a mom, I had to break up with my ex-H because I had to protect our son from his anger issues. No amount of counselling could help there. You can be a great dad in many ways, but being verbally and emotionally abusive to your girlfriend pretty much trumps everything else because she's looking to protect her child from an abusive situation. Did you know that exposing a child to abuse is considered a form of child abuse?

 

It doesn't sound like this is something you can just *control* on your own. Individual therapy MAY help you, although many abusers continue to justify their behavior and blame others for it.

[guesswhozbak17]

@ Sharky988

 

I'm working on myself. I'm seeing change already. I've been able to identify many of my flaws and am in the progress of taking the proper steps to move forward. It starts with myself. I'm taking responsibility for my actions.