Jump to content

Switching from Bad Boy to Good Man


savignon

Recommended Posts

Do you think you are fully emotionally available yourself, sav? Have you been, is there a difference now?

 

I've never been specifically attracted to bad boys. I have had a tendency to be attracted to men drastically different than myself; basically reliable, good men (I am attracted to that) but where there were root in capabilities and I knew it. Part of it was, I've been that person who would go a certain distance and then that's it - couldn't commit deeper than that. I'd act out, run away, and the only relationships prior to my very last one (which was brief, under a year) were with men who had that same aspect to themselves where they didn't want to/couldn't commit past a certain level.

 

Something changed when I went to therapy,and was single for years. I barely even dated during that time. For me, it shifted with me putting into me the things that I was -without realizing it - not being able to contribute or give.

 

I mean, I'm still on my own journey of sorts with it all, but who I am now and what I offer is very different than 28 year old me.

And who Iam attracted to now is reflecting that. Also, who I don't bother getting into things with too! Basically the men who are still working out who all they are and what they have to offer.

Link to comment
I have seen both of you demonstrate great qualities and neither of you would be here if you were truly "bad"....you're both cute, successful and have lots to offer the right girl. I'm definitely in your camp!!

 

Actually... i can be a jerk, and my sense of humor can be cold... so theres that. I have to usually apologize for things i said.

 

Adding to what Darcy says, my friend believes getting less better-looking men equals safer relationship. I was a little upset at that idea, i dont want my friend settling, she is a good person and i believe she deserves the best. She is a successful business woman, but you approach her with confidence and a set of huevos, and have just a hint of tough, and shes gaga. Then she sets up a day for me to meet him, and he squirms and i see right through him.

Link to comment
This is why I say jus are takin a chance on you OP - that desire for another person be your be all end all entertainment is going to be toxic until you pull it up by the root.

 

You made an excellent point. I don't think, at this point, I'm looking for someone else entertain me or be my be all and end all...I have a great life as is and lots of friends and great family. You do make a great point though because after my divorce I felt like my life was a disaster and the rebound was definitely an 'escape' from that and made me feel fun, attractive, etc as opposed to a failure as a wife, single mom, etc. It also felt 'safe' because it couldn't have ever worked out.

Definitely gave me some food for thought that will help me evaluate the next situation that comes along. My life generally feels so 'normal' that something a little off from that feels more exciting than my life...not really in a good or healthy way...but you really hit a great point there!

Link to comment
....for some people it means drama. Some people are attracted to that drama even if they don't want to admit it. The highs and lows of a relationship can be exciting... it's frustrating and heartwrenching during the lows, but some women get attracted to the highs and to that feeling that they are worthy of this person who couldn't settle for anyone else, that they were the one who could change this person, and finally all that love and energy paid off to this one temporary and fleeting happy moment.

.

 

yes, yes...that was all me. I even remember saying to my father in high school or college that I liked that my friends and I always had 'drama' because it "was so much better than just being level all the time...that's so boring!" How awful that I had that mindset for so long. I actually forgot all about that until now ...more to think about!

I love how ENA is like group therapy...lots of people willing to gently confront you on your issues!

Thank you!

Link to comment
Do you think you are fully emotionally available yourself, sav?

 

Probably not enough but way moreso than in the past.

I've actually met a 'good guy' who seems interested and the part of me that isn't attracted to him is what prompted this thread. I would like to go for a 'guy like that' and am starting to question why I don't and take a look at the parts of me that 'aren't available'.

Link to comment

A similar thing is bad boys are usually fixer uppers - they need you. A healthy guy is fine without you, but wants you there bcause you enhance their life. Bad boy chasers often need to be needed and when they meet a healthy guy they get insecure as what they previously valued about themselves (being a fixer) isn't only no loner an asset, it's not even needed. Healthy guys can appear indifferent towards you when you're accustomed to bad boys who need fixing - they're not indifferent though, it's an issue of your expectations being off from wallowing in the mire so long.

Link to comment

^^^very well said!! I definitely have tried to fix up some messes and can see that about myself. It makes me feel more valuable than just being 'equal' but then is soooo tiring and unrewarding that its clear I'm doing something wrong and also devaluing myself.

I really have my sh** together and will lament when guys prefer train wrecks of girls when I feel I have so much to offer...which is really the other end of what I'm doing myself.

Link to comment
Probably not enough but way moreso than in the past.

I've actually met a 'good guy' who seems interested and the part of me that isn't attracted to him is what prompted this thread. I would like to go for a 'guy like that' and am starting to question why I don't and take a look at the parts of me that 'aren't available'.

 

It would be interesting to hear what is turning you off about him.

Link to comment
It would be interesting to hear what is turning you off about him.

 

Well the first time I met him (over a year ago) I wasn't physically into him at all. Then I kept bumping into him around town and he kind of became a familiar face. He's a widow with 2 boys and I can just tell he's looking to complete his family. He doesn't really separate himself from his kids even for dating and seems to include them and have more play date kind of dates (which is more like friends hanging out than a date)...I can imagine after losing his wife he feels even more connected to them than before so I

kind of get it and also don't think it's a good idea. Anyways we connected over the summer and took our kids to the zoo (as friends...there was nothing romantic about it or date-ish about it). More recently he's resurfaced and called a few times, has texted me every day this week and invited my daughter and I over for dinner tomorrow. Since I would never include my daughter on dates or while getting to know a date, I consider him a friend. But I can tell he's interested and he's a quality guy who has his life organized and is stable, kind, etc.

I guess I don't feel "into" him and wish I would be (into a guy like that). He's a great dad which is attractive as a quality. But he's a package deal and seems to want a family experience off the bat which is not what I'm looking for.

That was a good question and I think that my answer helped me figure it out.

Link to comment
As nice as he is, desperation is a turn off.

Agreed!! I'm not sure if he's desperate or just interested. He's not calling me all the time or texting all day or anything...it's just obvious he's looking to find a good woman in his life for him and his boys which I don't blame him for. He has lots of friends and keeps busy.

It's not so much about him himself. He represents to me what a "quality guy" looks like and it's got me to thinking about my patterns. More like he's the catalyst for the thought process.

Link to comment

Sometimes desperation is more in the attitude. A couple of guys I know who are interested (even though I am with someone - annoying) do the whole "play it cool" thing. But when they approach - like you said - "it's just obvious." I suppose it would be endearing if you are interested. When you are not, it's desperate.

Link to comment

UPDATE

Went to dinner last night with the "good man" and there is just zeeeero attraction on my part. You can't force that kind of thing so what can ya do? I'm glad he resurfaced, though, because it has got me to thinking about where my head is. Another guy ("my type"= not relationship material) has been texting me but hasn't called or suggested meeting. So, I feel like I can slip right back into my pattern and excuse it as "well there are no good guys around anyway" or hold out until someone that feels good comes along. Honestly I wish I could be more casual about dating/sex like some of the men I've dated...it would be nice to enjoy certain things for what they are without over-thinking or getting attached or wondering what it means or what's next...just enjoy that its a nice/fun person to enjoy for a short time. Ah, well...I've tried and it doesn't work for me.

Link to comment

So, what is it that you feel - validation from bad men because of challenge, or for whatever reason their careless attitude makes them seem like they have more value to boost your self-esteem?

 

At what point do you lose attraction? When he charges head-on about the "future" or shows too much attention, or is it his demeanor? Or is it because you feel like you have him wrapped around your finger so easy?

 

I told my friend to pick out pics because i want to update my dating profile (she is alot like you - and goodnnja, if you are reading this, its not you that i am referring to) she picked out pics that make me look more playerish, tough and street, even though she knows she avoids these guys on her profile- and she goes out with good guys and she falls asleep, and she is a dorky suit.

Link to comment

Great questions!

 

For the 'bad' guys (again, not bad human beings, just bad matches for a relationship)....I like that there's really no pressure, I'm super physically attracted to actually more of a 'big' guy with a great personality (think Kevin James)....I like that they're carefree, don't get easily attached, are fun to be around and make me feel super attractive/interesting/fun/carefree. I think those are qualities I wish I had myself which could be part of the attraction (carefree, not so serious) and while I don't doubt that I'm attractive/interesting/fun, I feel like a "mom" most of the time (which I am!) and its a fun little mental escape to feel the other qualities that I *do* have but don't feel (confusing?). The problem is the attention span of those guys is pretty short so they're on to the next thing fairly quickly. The guy I dated last ("rebound" from divorce) seemed pretty into me and I thought we were in a relationship/he referred to me as his gf and said he wasn't seeing or interested in anyone else --he had said he thought I was the 'woman for him' which was flattering even though I didn't think he was the guy for me (red flag on myself!) ...then I found out he had been hitting on other girls and sleeping with other people essentially the whole time we were "together". After my cheating husband, I was waaaay more devastated by this guy's 'playing me' than I would have been otherwise. It was like insult to injury when I was already in a delicate place. I can 100% see where and how I brought it on myself but it still stung to an unbearable degree. I couldn't tell and still don't know if he "really" liked me or if it was all just a game to him. We dated 9 months and broke up when I went through his phone and found some stuff out. I know, and he even said, he would have continued to date me and tell me he wasn't seeing anyone else. His explanation was that he's "f'd up when it comes to relationships and was being selfish and I didn't deserve it"..he seemed genuinely embarrassed by his words and tone and body language and I don't think he intended to be so hurtful, although I can't see how he could justify anything other point of view. He had met my family in another state, my daughter, etc. and seemed like he was trying to find his way from being a player to being involved with a real quality person (and said as much). So, even though the relationship didn't really suit me b/c we had very little in common, his lifestyle and interests were very different from mine, we have no similar background...I was just smitten with his physical appearance and the sex and tried to justify a relationship. Just like I think he tried to justify to himself being with me even though it didn't suit his real character/proclivity to pursue multiple women at a time.

I wish I could just 'have fun' and not fall apart in the end when the guy turns out to be just a superficial person ...which is exactly what I'm being when choosing them.

Does that make sense?

Meanwhile, for my long terms wants/desires....a quality man who I'm attracted to and who wants to merge his own family (kids, if he has any) and mine. So I do want to be re-married and have a nice life with a quality person. And I want to enjoy my time before I find that person but not be hurt by my choices.

So, yea...I'm pretty messed up ;-)

Link to comment

I have been following this thread but haven't commented because I haven't really known what to say, and so maybe this won't really be of much help

 

Is it always about appearance and sex with these guys? It seemed like you knew that this guy wasn't good for you and you were using sex to justify the relationship, but then why did you get devastated when it ended, when you knew it wasn't good or right to begin with? It's like you are hooked on the fantasy, it's all superficial and not real, and that's what you are bringing to these RS's too.

 

I think those are qualities I wish I had myself which could be part of the attraction (carefree, not so serious) and while I don't doubt that I'm attractive/interesting/fun, I feel like a "mom" most of the time (which I am!) and its a fun little mental escape to feel the other qualities that I *do* have but don't feel (confusing?).

 

It seems like you are not being yourself when you are dating that's what you are attracting, you are relying on the bad guys to provide that mental escape for you and pretending to be more carefree etc. but you get hurt because you are not this person, If you were truly carefree, you wouldn't get upset when this stuff doesn't work out. If you are putting up a front and not being honest about who you are to these guys, you can't expect them to either (which is evident in that this guy was messing around behind your back) you both were not being honest with each other, and you were not being honest with yourself as to what you want in a partner.

 

 

I think it's great that you have now identified what it is you are looking for, I think it's just a matte of sticking to that. I think you have obviously learned that you won't turn a bad boy into loving husband material, so don't even try. But you are a mom. You are not carefree and fancy-free. You want a man that can be a dad. You want that stability.

 

Maybe you need to explore why you seek fun and excitement from partners instead of stability. Is there a way that you can bring some of that fun and excitement into your life in a healthy way, maybe just changing you attitude or perspective about life, so that you can provide that for yourself instead of looking for it in other people. And why do you need that excitement? What is lacking that makes you want that drama?

Link to comment

Careless (or carefree as you put it, i prefer carefree actually), cool and confident are traits that many women want - thats what i call them the 3 C's - oddly enough they are in PUA books - oooooh noooooooo not puaaaaaaaaaaaaa. I dont think there is anything wrong with that. A needy or "too much" type of guy will sap all the energy in a relationship, they lose the confidence because it yells desperation, the careless is not knocked out because hes watching you like a hawk as if he was hanging on to you with a thin rope, and ... this just isnt cool (or another word for cool is calm), just reading this tired me out.

 

In my opinion, a person who has it all "together" also loses some of the 3's - this is imo for me. Yes, they become carefree and confident and cool, but some are so rigid they forget that need to play along for attraction - to be too carefree that you dont hint at wanting to share something with someone - turns me off. Its like i get the feeling THIS IS MY LIFE, I AM GOOD BEING ALONE - SHOW ME YOU CAN ADD VALUE- yes, that should always be the point, but some people go so overboard and make me feel i would have a small corner to sleep in when i come over to sleep. That problem is some people need so much validation that they seek out people with issues, because it makes them feel they are prioritized in their life, they see a HELP ME, and to them they see HELP as a whole room in their house- they think this is welcoming, and they believe it is safe because they are needed- this count especially when the partner is very attractive, because this is the ultimate validation for people and to be needed by them is like starting up a fire. I assume this is insecurity, the desire to be needed and wanted.

 

Eh, enough Dr. Phil talk. I stopped these type of posts when i left the breakup forum.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...