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I am a 28 years old woman. I was 23 when I met Mr.P, I liked him from the first look and he is a genuinely nice person so I proposed to him after 3 months of knowing him. He liked me too in turn but he wasnt too much into it as he was career oriented and was not willing to invest time in the relationship. When my family pressed me for marriage I asked him to marry me but he was not in a situation to handle a family at that time so he asked me to wait for 3 year for him to get settled in his career. It was a long distance relationship ever since i proposed to him as he shifted to a new city. We were at the same place only for 3 months, then I moved to UK for my higher studies unable to bear my family pressure to get married as I wanted to live with him and cudnt face my family pressure.

I came to UK for my studies when i was 25, Initially it was very difficult, being in a new country and was fighting loneliness and was also in touch with Mr.P through calls and chats. Later I met this really nice guy Mr.N in my university who was 2 years elder to me . We go along very well and started going out and started spending time with him, he is very charming and witty. I realised I was falling for him but told him that I am on a long distance relationship with an other guy and he understood it. But later he kept asking me out and Mr.P was too engrossed in his career and was not really bothering much about me so I started going out with Mr.N. But later Mr.N who was charming and witty turned a bit serious and possessive and cut me off from very few friends which I already had. He was very hot headed and unpredictable. Some days he was totally normal and I love spending time with him but most of the days I just wanted to run away from him.He was also very abusive verbally. He kept poking me about the fact that I totally forgot about Mr.P and kept talking about my previous relationships though I was decent enough not to talk about his.


He was very manipulative and insensitive to feelings, things has to happen his way. As being lonely here I was totally dependant on him. He kept pressing me for a commitment and I kept refusing as I found something not right in the relationship or rather I felt that I was not treated well so I kept refusing to reply. After 3 year i met Mr.P who is all settled in his career met me and proposed to me with a very beautiful ring . I was totally confused not knwoing what to do as he looked totally new to me seeing him after three years and I was not in Love with him and I was rather partially in love with Mr.N though he wasnt very nice to be and was occasionally nice. But I spend most of my time with him, he was the first one whom i ever kissed.


After I mentioned that Mr.P proposed to me to Mr.N, he went very abusive and says that he is over me and says I betrayed him by being in touch with my ex. Wereas Mr.N also confronted that he had had many relationships in the past out of which a few were just time pass (lust) and not love. Which came out as a shock to me because though I hated him for his character I never knew he had several past relationships. For me The first person i even kissed was Mr.N. I could not take him out of my mind. Though Mr.P is a very decent guy and an ideal husband material I dont have Love for him but a lot of respect.


Now Mr.N has totally moved on but calls me occasionally to check if I am Ok. but I want him back I cudbt move on as Mr.N and I are very much compatible physically too and I also dont Love Mr.P and there was never ever any compatibility but lots of respect. Whom should I marry? As my family puts a lot of pressure on me now to get married. Am I at fault in this?. Will I be happy if I marry Mr.P? Will a marriage without passion work?


Passion and no respect Vs lots of respect and no passion.


Thanks in advance for your advice on this.



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Sadly, neither one of them is anything but a compromise. You should let both of them go and find a man who gives you both and yes, they are out there. They really are in spite of all the bad movies, romance novels and drivel we've been told since we were little. You don't really know Mr. N all that well and you don't live with him, which leaves you open to the temptations of a Mr. P. And Mr. P you do know--as a verbally abusive, controlling man who has shut you off from all friends. No prize there at all.


Why not just date around and look for a man who lives locally who you can get to know and who crosses off all of those qualities? I think you're trying to rush too hard into marriage, possibly because of family pressures and I would urge you to resist that temptation. I didn't, married straight out of high school and ten years later we both threw in the towel acknowledging that it was quite possibly the dumbest thing we'd both done. Get to know someone, really know them and spend time with them, before you rush off to marry them. And pay attention to those red flags since the minute Mr. P got verbally abusive or told you to stop seeing your friends should have been the same minute you bounced him out the door. You have a world of time and people to meet, stop settling for almost rights and go live a life full of joy and accomplishments that you can share with someone who will respect you and be right there where you can share your passion together.


I know that can take time, but if you don't want to end up always unhappy in love you have to develop the attitude that it's better to be alone than spend one minute with someone who is abusive to you in any way or just not really available. Take the time, date around, there will be someone else better suited to you and don't let your family dictate you just jumping into marriage. That will almost surely end in disaster or divorce or both.

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