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Just need to talk to someone about affair.


phileasfogg

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Here's my take on it: neither Carl or Tom is the answer. I'm advising you to let them both go and yes, definitely Carl. He's totally got a double standard going in that it is fine for him to start something with you while he still has a young child and wife in the picture, but then throws a hissy fit over you talking to and seeing Tom. And he won't say the real reason he distrusts you, although I'm betting this is it, he's thinking "If she would sleep with me knowing I have a wife and a child, what will happen if I do indeed leave my wife and marry her. Will she then turn around and sleep with Tom or other men?" In other words Carl's mindset is that of the typical cheater, he does it and knows what the motives are so whether or not those are your motives he's convinced that you also think and are like him. And he doesn't want a wife who cheats on him, he wants to be the one calling the shots and doing that.

 

Man, the more I analyze this the worse Carl sounds, do you not notice? And in turn you are acting exactly like Carl with Tom, so yes this is a horrible mess and one that won't resolve by you and Carl staying together. So cut him off for good, tell him to go find a booty call somewhere else and send your deepest sympathies to his wife and child. Stop talking to Tom and let him move on and find someone else. Start therapy or whatever else will help you come to understand why you chose to sleep with a married man and believe him when he said he'd leave his wife, when come on, we all know exactly what that means. All of us do, no one gets a pass on believing that line anymore. And why you continued to keep Tom in place as an emotional buffer.

 

You need to learn how to be on your own and happy without a man in your life. You need to learn to draw boundaries and establish what your own integrity and morality really is and then keep it regardless of the "Oh but baby, I love yous" and the other myriad of lines and manipulations that a cheater or a player is so good at tossing out. Or you are going to continue to be very unhappy and very unlucky in love.

 

And no, Carl won't leave his wife no matter what he tells you. He might leave her for the next woman that he finds totally innocent and naive and virgin-like since they are easily snowed and he'll find it reassuring that he can continue to cheat undetected and unchallenged. Besides trust me on this, Carl goes on about not trusting you, but really how can you possibly trust Carl. He cheated on the mother of his child, for heaven's sakes. That is not the mark of a great man, a good man, or even an okay man.

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I agree, it takes two to tango. But if I was married and I have a gorgeous co-worker who seems to like me and I like him, we'll I have the blame if I choose to sleep with him, because I am married and I have a responsibility to my family; If I say yes: I like that guys, Yes I want to sleep with him, it's on my. Maybe he just wants a quickie, or knows I'm married and he doesn't care. But I am the married person, I decide if I trow away my marriage, irregardless the guy I'm with.

 

Sorry, maybe it's because of the fact that I was cheated on, to a degree, but the other person can, and should say no if the object of their desires is married. That should be off the table, in my opinion.

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All I can say is that he was certain his marriage was over without me coming into it. We had kissed but nothing further.

 

If his marriage is over, why is he just separated from his wife and not yet filed for a divorce. Legal he is still married to him, so however you dress it, you are his mistress and you need to get over yourself and leave this man alone. Why don't you rid yourself of this fantasy relationship and begin to live in reality. This man is still married, he claims he is over his wife it has been months and they are just separated? What's stopping him for filing completely for a divorce? You need to sort your life out, focus on yourself, get yourself into therapy because you clearly need it. I believe he left his wife for you and that is why his so angry that you could not do the same for Tom, but he hasn't really left his wife as they are still married. I wonder why, maybe if plan A doesn't work then he can go back to plan b his wife?

 

You really need to fix up. I hope you sort yourself out and learn from this, so that when you do eventually enter another relationship you won't do this to them again.

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You need to be over with both of them and work on yourself before you start any relationship.

Carl never divorced, and he wont, probably, which is also very sad, because his wife deserves to know and she deserves a man who loves her truly.

You hurt Tom, that sounded actually like a good match for you before you got drunk with Carl and ruined it.

Please, do something about that situation and stop lying to so many people and to yourself, most importantly.

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Here's my take on it: neither Carl or Tom is the answer. I'm advising you to let them both go and yes, definitely Carl. He's totally got a double standard going in that it is fine for him to start something with you while he still has a young child and wife in the picture, but then throws a hissy fit over you talking to and seeing Tom. And he won't say the real reason he distrusts you, although I'm betting this is it, he's thinking "If she would sleep with me knowing I have a wife and a child, what will happen if I do indeed leave my wife and marry her. Will she then turn around and sleep with Tom or other men?"

 

Man, the more I analyze this the worse Carl sounds, do you not notice? And in turn you are acting exactly like Carl with Tom, so yes this is a horrible mess and one that won't resolve by you and Carl staying together. So cut him off for good, tell him to go find a booty call somewhere else

 

You need to learn how to be on your own and happy without a man in your life. You need to learn to draw boundaries and establish what your own integrity and morality really is and then keep it regardless of the "Oh but baby, I love yous" and the other myriad of lines and manipulations that a cheater or a player is so good at tossing out. Or you are going to continue to be very unhappy and very unlucky in love.

 

QUOTE]

 

^^^^^ THIS. Please re-read this over and over. I am not here to judge you, but you really should cut out both of these men and start fresh. In all honestly, neither one sound good for you. You stated yourself you don't like what this situation is doing to you. If you really mean that, END the situation. Get yourself into therapy and learn to love and respect yourself. You need time alone to figure this out.

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I hate judging people, BUT SERIOUSLY i cant sugar coat this .. Wow youre selfish and yes i agree you need serious help! You have NO self control either. You lack compassion and allowed your DESIRES to cloud your logic. You didnt think, not even once, that your actions would hurt a family, a CHILD. Pls get yourself together because what you have done is incredibly wrong. I myself met a man once which i liked and when i finally agreed to meet up for lunch i discovered he was "separated" and had 2 kids. That was the last time i ever talked to him. I actually stood up from our table and told him, why dont you go home to your family and fix things up instead of wasting my time? Then i walked away. I respect myself that much...maybe you enjoyed playing with both these men because it gave u a ego boost and u felt like u were in control. IMHO..

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You really need to see a therapist is you want a serious relationship!

 

Carl did the right thing and downgraded you to FB status which is were you belong at the moment and he is right you can't be trusted since he know you will eventually do that to him when you get bored. Actually he can't be trusted as well but this is about you.

 

OR you can live your life seeing different people casually or open relationships if you like monkey branching.

 

Sorry but you seriously lacked integrity.

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  • 1 month later...

phileasfogg,

 

I am in a similar situation as you are in. Maybe a little more complicated. You can't really post about infidelity on this site because most of the replies are going to tell you how selfish and terrible you are. I don't think that's very helpful. I find it quite odd, because people post about their partners being abusive, doing drugs/alcohol, and other sorts of criminal activity, and they aren't judged as harshly as 'cheaters'.

 

We aren't teenagers in highschool. Over the years we have baggage: exes, children, un-resolved crushes. Some people are fairly one-dimensional and don't have complicated lives. You aren't one of those so accept it. You didn't mean for this to happen, but the way I read your post, you actually seem like a nice person who had trouble making a hard decision regarding Tom. If you had no feelings for Tom it would have been easy to dump him and move on. Maybe you hoped Carl would just go away and you wouldn't have to make a decision.

 

I'm speaking from experience here. You need to stop dwelling on the past. Many people fall into these sorts of situations. It's not a deliberate decision to 'cheat' or whatever you want to call it, but feelings have a way of getting out of control. And it's incremental. It starts with one little half truth, a kiss, or lingering touch. Pretty soon you are in this bad situation. It's not just affairs. Any sort of unacceptable behaviour by otherwise decent people starts with small steps.

 

All you can do is try to move on and do better. You know that if you get too friendly with an attractive co-worker, you may lack the self control to stop yourself from falling for him. Weather things work out with Carl or not, your personality won't change so you need to be on guard for these sorts of situations. At least in future you'll be better prepared.

 

Stop beating yourself up emotionally. In the big grand scheme of things, it's not the end of the world. You didn't commit a crime, the sun will still come up in the morning, and Tom still talks to you. I hope this helps.

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Many people fall into these sorts of situations. It's not a deliberate decision to 'cheat' or whatever you want to call it,

 

That is a load of crap.

 

It is a conscious choice and decision. You don't "fall" into cheating. You choose.

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Many people fall into these sorts of situations. It's not a deliberate decision to 'cheat' or whatever you want to call it,

 

That is a load of crap.

 

It is a conscious choice and decision. You don't "fall" into cheating. You choose.

 

 

I'm happy you haven't found yourself in this sort of situation. You are obviously a much better person than I am or the OP. Rather than be overly judgemental I think might be helpful to understand how these sorts of things happen to guard against them happening again. I realize you are perfect and haven't made bad choices in life. I have and so has OP. All we can do is try to be better next time.

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I remember Dr. Joy Brown, a radio talk show personality, had a hard and fast rule to not get involved with someone until they are 1 year divorced. Not separated, not in the process of divorce, not just divorced, not in a marriage that had been dead or dying for years, but one full year divorced. She repeated it so often, and explained it really takes at least a full year of anniversaries and reminders after the final official end. More and more I see the wisdom in her rule, it saves a lot of emotional wear and tear, avoids some of the unintentional mess of relationships.

 

I understand that emotions and feelings can develop unexpectedly, but the wisdom comes from developing your own radar for such situations and establishing your own inner personal boundaries and acting accordingly. Sometimes we learn life's lessons the hard way.

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I have made many bad choices in life --- but I own the fact that I made the choices.

 

I don't say --"it happens", or "I didn't mean to"....because that would be false.

 

You guard against making bad choices from experience, and taking the time to figure out the consequences of your CHOICES.

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When we have affairs, we are searching for something. When we end them, or refuse them, we force ourselves to find that thing within ourselves. We CHOOSE the affair because we don't know how else to satisfy the thing we are missing. If we say "it just happened" it is because we give in to the internal need, and feel driven to meet that need; but really we are making a choice and we know it. We GROW when we end it, because we become more aware of and responsible for ourselves.

 

A rule from a friend of a friend trumps Dr. JB and is consistent with my experience and those of people around me: THREE years after a divorce. THREE. It seems like ages. I find overwhelming evidence in myself and around me that three years is a good rule.

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I'm happy you haven't found yourself in this sort of situation. You are obviously a much better person than I am or the OP. Rather than be overly judgemental I think might be helpful to understand how these sorts of things happen to guard against them happening again. I realize you are perfect and haven't made bad choices in life. I have and so has OP. All we can do is try to be better next time.

 

You need to be accountable to yourself for the choices you've made and stop giving yourself a free pass every time you f up if you actually want to grow and improve. Try better next time is lazy and doesn't cut it.

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