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Just need to talk to someone about affair.


phileasfogg

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Carl and I were were colleagues (he has since been transferred, not related to the post). I had a long-term crush on him, but he was married and nothing ever

happened, physically or emotionally.

I started going out with an ex-colleague, Tom, and it was brilliant. He made me laugh and became my best friend. He would do anything for me, and we were happy. I still had feelings for Carl but I knew I had to let them go and tried to forget it. Bbout six months into going out with Tom, I was

on a work night out and ended up kissing Carl. It was so wrong, I know that. We were both pretty drunk, but finally admitted our feelings for one another. That was

as far as it went that night.

 

Carl then decided to leave his wife, with whom he has a young

child, as he said he had been unhappy for a while. I told him he must take me out of the picture and only make this decision based on his marriage. He agreed that he had done so, and since then (ten months ago) he has continued to state that he does not regret the decision, only the hurt he has caused his child.

He soon made it clear he wanted a future with me. Long story short, I started an affair with him. I told him I didn't know what I wanted, which was true. I was in two minds, which sounds awful. I believed that he would probably go back to his wife. We got closer, and I told Carl that I would end things with Tom. But I didn't; I just kept seeing them

both. Tom and I stopped having sex, but we were still a couple. I hate myself for writing this, but it just got out of hand, and I couldn't bring myself to say the words

to Tom: it's over.

Carl got jealous which was understandable. Finally, I broke up with Tom, about five months into this affair. Tom was very upset and wanted to work things out. But I knew I had gone so far in deceiving him that I couldn't go back. But I still continued to talk to him, as I felt extremely guilty and sad, and wanted him to know that I cared so much about him. I realise it is wrong to say I cared, given the treatment I subject him to, but he knows nothing of it and I want it

to stay that way.. I know what I did was unforgiveable, and I should have ended it straight away after I had realised my feelings for Carl weren't going away. I know it's terrible, and I hate it. But it's happened.

 

Carl continued to get jealous over my contact with Tom, although it was platonic. In the end, he felt he could not trust me, as I was starting to be dishonest about

whether I had spoken to Tom that day, just to save the anguish. He felt that Tom would always be in my life, so he ended it and told me he couldn't commit to me anymore. With this, I realised I had to be firmer with Tom, to make sure he wasn't being led on even further.

 

Tom and I are now on good terms, and I believe he is moving on.

 

Carl has been very angry with me for stringing him along for such a long time. I get that, and I basically don't deserve either of them But I know that I am in love with Carl, and want a future with this man. I knew it all along but just didn't take action. He says that because I couldn't commit to him it hurt him badly, when he was offering me his total love.

I can't explain why I didn't leave Tom sooner, other than with complete cowardice. He was a great presence in my life and we got along so well, I could just never find the words so I wimped out. He is so lovely, and it kills me that I could ever have allowed this to happen.

 

I said I would respect Carl's wishes and leave him alone, although I made it clear how hard I would find that. Over the last two or three months since this happened, Carl and I have never really lost touch, and he has visited me on around 10 or so occasions, and we talk for ages and then end up sleeping together. He then leaves. He says he can't help it happening because he is so attracted to me, but he feels the commitment and trust can't be there.

 

I have told him that I want this for real, that I would be honest and could commit my heart, but he either responds with 'Why couldn't you make that decision sooner?'

or 'I just don't know if I can trust/commit'. He says he loves me but worries he would always be imagining that I'm still in touch with Tom.

 

I think about what I'm writing and want to tell myself, move on from all this. I know the power was mine and I threw it away, and what I did was so wrong. But my feelings for Carl are so overwhelming I simply don't know what to do with them.

 

What I've done to both of them hurts a lot, to imagine I was capable of such a horrible thing, and I think about it all the time, but I can't take it back so I have to move forward somehow.

 

I've never told anyone else about this and it has consumed my life.

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I know what I've done is so wrong, and I will always beat myself up about it. I hate who I became. Quite some time passed between him leaving his wife and us starting up, and he assured me that leaving his wife had been a long time coming. That's not to say I didn't feel sorry for her, because I knew it was hard for her. But he has told me that it's over. I told him repeatedly that he had to be sure and he was, and still is.

I say 'should' because I'm finding it hard to let him go, in spite of the fact I know I don't deserve, necessarily, to be happy out of all this. It all just seems like a waste. I need to get a grip.

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Cheating with someone who has a family while you're in a relationship yourself is the most selfish thing I can possibly think of. It has a long term impact on so many different people and its this whimsical, self-interested, indulgent, careless decision on the part of the cheater. That you can do it more than once while looking all parties in the eyes says a lot about your character and quality of person. You're certainly not the first, though.

I'm glad to have rid myself of such toxic people from my own personal life.

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I'm trying not to be judgmental here. This actually helps me understand the mindset of someone who would become involved in an affair with another woman's husband. My exGF dropped me for this situation, as I have posted at length on here. I think in my ex's case, it boils down to she wants what she wants, when she wants it and that over-rides any consideration of the wife or their four kids. Frankly, I know my exGF, and probably the OP, is basically a good person, but this is a tough thing for me to understand.

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All I can say is that he was certain his marriage was over without me coming into it. We had kissed but nothing further. After the kiss, I told him that was it, and that he needed to go home. Then nothing happened until well after he had left, and he turned up on my doorstep. When he left home, I asked him over and over if he was sure he didn't want to try again with her, or just try living together again. He says now he is sure it was the right decision even though we didn't work out.

This will sound so stupid, but it is only now I am seriously thinking about the impact it would have had, that he may actually have left her to see if me and him might work out. I had convinced myself that wasn't the case, and that he left of his own accord because he wasn't happy there. I just can't believe what I became. It is scaring me a lot that I was that woman.

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Dear phileasfogg,

 

Indeed cheating on your partner is not the best thing to do, but I consider that when you fell like falling in love with somebody else you should go for it.

Also, Carl's decision to leave his wife was his own. you were clear regarding this. Now that for you it took longer to end it with Tom, that's it, it happened. But that's no reason for Carl to act like a saint, he should keep his part of the deal and commit to you; he should be ok if you still talk to Tom, you where adults now you can be civilized adults.

 

In life you should make the choices that you hing they'll make you happy. So from your story, Carl seems the once undecided and you should clarify this with him, he divorced that women to be with you or just to be free.

 

But don't feel so guilty, you just fall in love again for the other guy, it happens. better take risks.

 

I know that sleeping with a married man is not ok, because excluding other people you might get hurt, and the others, the others. Honestly. It's a husband's first job not to cheat, not the girl with who he cheats.

 

Don't think to much about how other persons perceive you, you weren't totally onset, but you toke some chances to see how it will work. Hope for the best, and if not, it well be better.

 

Good luck,

Cory

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This may sound odd, and I may get slammed for it a bit, but.... I think the OP's situation, where the OM is in the process of divorcing before he started a relationship with the OP is better than the situation where the OM is involved in an affair and has no plans to leave his wife. He just wants something on the side and the OW is ok with that for whatever reason. That is the case in my situation. The guy she is having the affair with, by all indications (Instagram, etc.) seems to be happily married. I really think that is a despicable situation.

 

Basially, if the OM is in the process of divorcing and has separated, is this an affair if the spouse knows? That doesn't sound like the same thing to me. I'm not excusing anythijng. I'm just wondering.

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If you get with somebody that has a family, it is not your responsibility. It's the married person' responsibility. If he chooses to cheat on his wife and kids it will do it, if not with you, then with another women. So if you are just looking for a short affair, the only guilty part is the married person. If you love the person you are married to you won't do that, but if you don;t, you will cheat no matter the person.

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Thanks for your posts everyone. Cory - thanks for your reply, it was kind of you to say those things. I know he wasn't a saint, but at least he had left home, whereas I was not single. He knew I was with someone, and I let my bf be deceived for a really long time and it was weak. Thank God he never found out and I hope there is no reason he will.

Steve: he had definitely left, he had moved into a new place, moved all his things, set up child support payments. I honestly believe he does not intend to go back but I would not hold it against him if he did.

It is horrendous and looking back I really think, how could I? But I knew all along it was wrong and still I did it, and I think that is my issue. Like the others have said, I need to work out why I put my needs before others.

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If you get with somebody that has a family, it is not your responsibility. It's the married person' responsibility. If he chooses to cheat on his wife and kids it will do it, if not with you, then with another women. So if you are just looking for a short affair, the only guilty part is the married person. If you love the person you are married to you won't do that, but if you don;t, you will cheat no matter the person.

 

This is completely selfish and I wouldn't trust anyone who believes this under any circumstances.

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This is completely selfish and I wouldn't trust anyone who believes this under any circumstances.

 

I don't believe in any relationship only one person is responsible for it. Which is why, before our affair started, I had pleaded with him to make sure he wantd to leave regardless of me, or anyone else. That he actually wanted to leave home for himself, and that his wife really did make him that unhappy. At that point I was sure I wouldn't get involved with him, I was asking him these questions more for his own sake. At that point I had some part of a conscience, which just somehow went out of the window when it came to my bf.

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If you get with somebody that has a family, it is not your responsibility. It's the married person' responsibility. If he chooses to cheat on his wife and kids it will do it, if not with you, then with another women. So if you are just looking for a short affair, the only guilty part is the married person. If you love the person you are married to you won't do that, but if you don;t, you will cheat no matter the person.

 

Really? So you are saying that the woman in an affair has no culpability? It's all on the man? I can't really agree with that. The old saying: "It takes two to tango" applies here.

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Carl is feeding you a load of BS so he can get what he wants (sex) and then leave. He doesn't share your feelings and is using you.

 

You and he have betrayed and lied to 3 innocent people. Get some therapy and stay away from all these people

 

An affair is a fantasy based on infatuation and lust. It has no basis in reality and it has a 1% chance of working out long term which you are learning the hard way.

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It is horrendous and looking back I really think, how could I? But I knew all along it was wrong and still I did it, and I think that is my issue. Like the others have said, I need to work out why I put my needs before others.

 

It think this should be learn in school, as a human you need to put your needs before the others. That doesn't make you selfish, it doesn't mean you are mean person, but if you first don't take care of you, how will you take care of others?

 

Sometimes we make wrong choices, but you didn't force Carl at anything, you were two grown up people that decided to be together. A good way would have been try not to hurt to much the other partners in the process, but If you are a positive person try too see at the good parts and enjoy the new relationship.

 

Regarding It is horrendous and looking back I really think, how could I?, if there will be a next time, maybe you'll be honest from the start with your bf, so no cheating, but in rest, just learn from this and don't be to hard on yourself, you haven't did anything as bad as you think.

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Really? So you are saying that the woman in an affair has no culpability? It's all on the man? I can't really agree with that. The old saying: "It takes two to tango" applies here.

 

I agree, it takes two to tango. But if I was married and I have a gorgeous co-worker who seems to like me and I like him, we'll I have the blame if I choose to sleep with him, because I am married and I have a responsibility to my family; If I say yes: I like that guys, Yes I want to sleep with him, it's on my. Maybe he just wants a quickie, or knows I'm married and he doesn't care. But I am the married person, I decide if I trow away my marriage, irregardless the guy I'm with.

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