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A bit fearful about cutting off this friendship


Lady D

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Hi everyone, I would really appreciate some support or validation, this is a testing time for me, over the last three years I've been heavily involved with two women whom I never felt really comfortable, I've realised now that I always felt like crap when I was with them for various reasons

Number one is a work colleague I posted about recently - last straw was when she offered to do my birth chart then sat me down and over a week, told me everything that was wrong with me and how I had messed up my life and said she was trying to help me, called me cold, said I threw tantrums with partners, I had a big ego ( none of it true, in fact she has a colossal ego and my other friends have said I'm not cold at all )

She constantly also vented and ranted to me, saying stuff like she pictured swords hanging over people's heads, wished people would get run over by a bus, she was racist, I just couldn't listen to that bile any longer

She convinced me that all our work colleagues were nasty people when really they weren't, I think she had to leave her previous department because nobody wanted to work with her anymore though she claimed they were all jealous of her because she was good at her job

And as soon as I became happier she seemed to be on this mission to " fix " me and tell me about all the things that were wrong with me and help me sort out my home life, as in her view, I didn't have a happy home life

 

The other woman also teased me and laughed at me with her friends and the weirdest thing of all was that when we went round in a threesome with the woman above, she would only talk to and look at her, addressing her by name when she spoke as if I was not in the room. I really had had enough of it

 

When the three of us were out together they would rant, moan and grumble about work, analysing all the people and managers for hours on end or they'd rant about the government so I felt really depressed when I went home, I've always been a positive person and normally avoid people like this but met them at a time my self esteem was low

Also when the three of us went out they would laugh at my hair together and make mean comments like " I would go to Toni and Guy " next time and just be really horrible

 

Anyway I have cut them both off, I made up my mind. One of them sent a passive aggressive text back to me when I said I was busy with projects and couldn't meet, saying well I hope you are enjoying " these projects "

The one at work is getting her claws out now, her tactic du jour is to get some food and only share it with the other colleague who sits opposite me, speaking to him, offering him food and leaving me out. Which was fine with me. At one point he said, did I want some monkey nuts and this girl said " she's too lazy to open them " and I know that she's going to start being nasty

 

On the one hand I feel delighted that I've done this.

 

However the depth of this woman's nastiness really chills me, I've noticed she's started being nasty and horrible to other people now that she can't take me hostage in the lunch hour and rant at me. I've even hidden my papers in case she does something

 

Anyway I just wanted some validation really that I've done the right thing and these friends are indeed toxic, I do feel so much happier when I leave work now but I'm just a bit fearful about what this person might do, she has even been nasty about the other friend above to me loads of times, I think she's a psychopath

 

Guess I'd just better be on my guard for now and act civil

 

BTW to clarify, for the last three years we've been to lunch together. The pattern has been that I fooled myself, each time she was nasty I would stop having lunch for a bit ( as she would suddenly act hostile or horrible or ignore me in the lunch break and pick up a paper instead ), so I would stop for a bit then she'd be nice and I'd think she was okay and have lunch again. I've realised now though that she'll never change and stopped having lunch with her four days ago, she's getting progressively moodier about it now

 

Thanks for any help all X X

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Thanks mhowe, I really appreciate that, I was looking for some validation, I will certainly be vigilant at work now, I'm just a bit on my guard, after all three years is a long time to be going for lunch with somebody and she is angry about me setting this boundary I think, though at first she pretended she couldn't care less...

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You've done the totally right thing. Make sure you protect yourself... a mhowe said, lock your desk, make sure she cannot get at your papers and by all means, document everything and if needs be, record her with your cell phone so that you can go to HR with a complaint of "hostile work environment" if things get out of hand.

 

By all means, be on your guard and be professional. Do not get dragged into conversations when she is in earshot. Keep your head down and do your job.

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Clearly both are incapable of having a normal, genuine friendship with anyone and at the end of the day, that is their loss.

I hope you can concentrate on making new friends at your workplace seeing as you have been manipulated away from doing this in the past.

Leaving the friendship is definitely a good idea as it was never a friendship to begin with. Commenting on your looks, home life, and personality is abusive. These women are bullies.

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Thanks GinNJuice, I will indeed hold on to that thought, it's actually quite shocking to me now I've opened my eyes and realised how nasty as a person she is and bitter and twisted, the ironic thing is she has a thing on her wall at home that says " Always Be Nice " ( I guess she needs it because she is so nasty! )

I know that she was bullied a bit at school and deliberately became a monitor so that she could pay back the bullies in class! And she is 48 years old, both of them are! About a decade older than me and they act like teenagers

 

Thanks Kendahke, that's what I'm doing, just being quiet, keeping my head down and being strictly professional, I am certainly on my guard

 

CeeLambrini, yes I know they have fallen out with other friends and this woman at work said their neighbour called the police whilst she was rowing with her boyfriend, no it was never a friendship at all

 

I've noticed that everyone at work is being much nicer to me too since I stopped hanging around with her, I think she also hates the fact that I am popular and well liked at work much more than her. I noticed that she was happy when I was having a down day and when I'm happy and bright she seems in a mood...

 

I'm really proud though about doing this, and I've been feeling so much happier and better ;-) I think they are abusive, I would never comment about anybody's looks, personality or home life like that in a million years and nobody else treats me like crap but these two women

 

I think she is competing with me at work, once the manager really upset me there and she said she had worked in HR and told me I should go above the manager's head without speaking to her and go directly to her boss, I didn't take her advice and went and spoke to the manager directly about it, I did wonder why she'd tell me to do that as a " friend "

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I would totally ignore her and intentionally not be anywhere that I know that she will be because her behavior is childish. She sounds to be a manipulator, evil, a grinch with low self-esteem, and someone who likes confusion and likes to see others unhappy. You're better off without her.

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Hey KarenC, thanks very much for your advice, that's funnily enough, just what I've decided to do, to TOTALLY ignore her which even means running down the stairs etc at home time to get away from her! But I find her so incredibly screwed up and toxic, I feel like I need to be away

 

However she's started to do stuff. She always hated Pret when I used to go there and said she couldn't stand it, so I'd sometimes go there as a refuge, however now she's suddenly coming in from lunch saying " oh, I thought I'd go to Pret to lunch and get a coffee! "

She knows it's the place I hide out from her, well gotta be strong I suppose, I do know I'll stick to my guns no matter what and I will never be her friend again or have lunch with her again

Thanks again X

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LOL thank you KarenC! ;-) I can't believe how much happier I feel now I've stopped our lunches and I'm so damn proud of myself...also everybody in the office is being much nicer to me now as well and best of all, I don't have to hear her saying she wished people would get run over by a bus anymore, now I can't believe I ever had a friend like that........she is so full of hate that it's actually quite scary.......

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