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Regreting the years of my life I gave to the R/S?


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Over 3 months NC and lately I've been having this feeling of regreting the 9 years of my life I've been with my Ex. I mean, not the times we had together and the things we did but the feel that if it was going to end up like this I would not have given so many years of my life to that R/S. If it was today I think I would prefer not having met my Ex at all. There are so many different and exciting things that you can do and can happen throughout 9 years!!!!

 

Is this normal? What does this mean? Do you regret the time of your life you've spent with your Exs, NOT the things you did together or you did for your Ex, BUT the time of YOUR life you gave them and the relationship?

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Jonyyy life is too short to have these regrets. Its normal to feel bitter and to think "I could have given those years to someone more worthy" since the relationship ended badly and she betrayed you and deeply hurt you but you need to try to get past this negativity. One chapter ends and another begins. Yes there is grief, pain and depression in between but you will come out of this feeling stronger and ready for whatever comes next. You spent at least 8 good years with this woman, right? You learned a lot about yourself, what you want, don't want, the reasons why you value monogamy and will settle for nothing less, you have set your standards higher and in the end she let you and herself down and that isn't your fault but that doesn't mean the next woman will do the same. You have nothing to feel guilty about, you can hold your head high and walk away with pride but someday she will have to face up to what she did-maybe it will be the new mister tearing her heart out or maybe she will realize on her own how selfish she was.

 

But it is pointless looking back and think you wish you never met her or new her. Every knock makes us stronger, we learn from each experience and it ultimately brings us closer to finding happieness again

 

Hugs to you you will be okay. It just takes time

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Over 3 months NC and lately I've been having this feeling of regreting the 9 years of my life I've been with my Ex. I mean, not the times we had together and the things we did but the feel that if it was going to end up like this I would not have given so many years of my life to that R/S. If it was today I think I would prefer not having met my Ex at all. There are so many different and exciting things that you can do and can happen throughout 9 years!!!!

 

Is this normal? What does this mean? Do you regret the time of your life you've spent with your Exs, NOT the things you did together or you did for your Ex, BUT the time of YOUR life you gave them and the relationship?

 

Yes. I do. One can never recover their youth.

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I am not sure whether it is normal or not but I feel the same way sometimes. I am about a year in and there are times when I wish that I had not met my ex at all. When given the choice in the form of two buttons in front of me, I am not sure if I would chose not to have known her at all. Mostly because there are some good things that happened in my life due to that relationship and I do not want them to disappear as well.

 

Honestly I do not know what it means for you. But for myself I know these feelings are because I have not yet gotten over everything that happened. I still hold some resentment and regret. I still harbor some anger and hatred. In my mind I still have not completely forgiven her for everything and that is what bothers me.

 

I do wonder what turns my life would have taken if I had spent that time with somebody else or on something else. But I realize that this line of thinking doesn't do any good since what is done is already done. I cannot change the past so thinking about it just hinders my progress. Yet I do it.

 

I think in time I should be able to come to terms with everything and may be that is also when you will be able to put your mind at ease. Good luck!

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Yes and no. Initially after the breakup and for months afterward, I regretted my time with him. Like you said, there are good times, but I envisioned my life going so differently if we had not been together. But then honestly, life is a risk. How can I predict what would have happened? Perhaps we would have had a series of relationships that were worse, and full of less happy moments. Perhaps we wouldn't have had opportunities that we have now. Perhaps our life may have been different in a positive way. The truth is all relationships require risk, and that's a risk you take and sometimes I hate calling it a risk, because it's just the way things turned out. There's something better around the corner.

 

Like Edmund said, don't let it rob you of the present and the future. Once I lifted myself off of that regret horse, I started realizing how blessed my life has been because of decisions and things that occurred ONLY because of my ex. For instance I moved to this state to be only with him and had a couple of jobs that have really helped my career. After the breakup, I was able to make really great friends in this area. I'm still leaving out of the country soon, but all this made me not really regret the time I've had with him. I think you are still deep in the healing process but will see that in a few months. It's not something you see immediately but over time. But I think this is a normal feeling, but it's best to not invest even more in that past relationship by spending so much time regretting it. It's just another part of moving on and accepting.

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I tend to agree when I look back at some relationships I have that I wasted my time and lost valuable time spending it with them instead of with myself.

 

I feel why bother sometimes, it's just a waste and not worth it. I went through a bad break up and did not have a gf for 5 years, did not want one as I thought it was a waste of my time after what happened.

So just had a gf for a year and 8 months and she just left no talking, just left.

 

So I will tend to agree that I feel like it's a waste of time and not worth it

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The only thing I regret about the 5 years I was with my ex was not having the strength to leave in year 4. My brain was telling it wasn't right, and it wasn't gonna work, and I was gonna get burned..but yet I hung around for another year, only to have the guillotine dropped on me by her (I dumped her for like 4 days about a year prior, but went back thinking we could work things out).

 

Next time, I'm listening to my brain and not my heart (unlike that song).

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I've totally felt that way, but more in a 'why didn't I end it sooner?' way. After a break up all the warning signs are more clear and you wonder why you didn't see them sooner, or maybe you did but rationalized them... In any case if you had ended it sooner you'd probably be wondering what if I stuck around and tried to work it out?

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Yes I think I wasted a lot of my youth and time on a EX who I loved but she did not and never could love me back in return. I've had major health problems for the last few years and one of the big factor's if I'm honest about it was that relationship and break up. Not all of it was terrible, but I wasted my youth and my health suffered and it was due to the fact she treated me horribly when I look back on it, and it kills me I've wasted so much time thinking about her.

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Btw I think I have been feeling this way because I'm starting to move on, having fun discovering and doing new things hence realising that there's so much exciting stuff in life that although I was happy and consciously made the choice to invest in that R/S, I can't help but to feel stolen in some way. Mainly because the way it ended I guess.

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What have you missed out on exactly? My single friends would give anything to have a relationship like mine. And if we are talking meaningless sex-that doesn't fill the void. A friend of mine has two FWB and another sexting buddy but she is miserable. She wants nothing more than to settle down and start a family with a decent guy but she is overweight and has low self esteem so settles and takes whatever attention she can get to help the lonlieness. It doesn't. It just makes her feel worse.. Another friend is a committment phobic because he was hurt before and fears it happening again so again he settles for meaningless nothings which just make him feel like crap

 

You missed out on nothing, nor will you miss out on anything the next time you fall in love.

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What have you missed out on exactly? My single friends would give anything to have a relationship like mine. And if we are talking meaningless sex-that doesn't fill the void. A friend of mine has two FWB and another sexting buddy but she is miserable. She wants nothing more than to settle down and start a family with a decent guy but she is overweight and has low self esteem so settles and takes whatever attention she can get to help the lonlieness. It doesn't. It just makes her feel worse.. Another friend is a committment phobic because he was hurt before and fears it happening again so again he settles for meaningless nothings which just make him feel like crap

 

You missed out on nothing, nor will you miss out on anything the next time you fall in love.

 

It's not about sex or having had multiple partners in the last years. And I'm not saying being happy single is better or worst than being happy as a couple.

 

It's just that as a single guy I'm starting to see how good it is to have lots of time for myself, I'm free to do whatever I want professionaly (going abroad for instance), meeting new people is a joy (before I didn't feel the need to meet new people), I have time to dedicate to projects that before I didn't and so on.

 

I loved the time with my Ex and was prepared to stay by her side for the long run, but if I knew this would be the outcome I think I would preferred to keep my time with her for just 2 or 3 years for example. It's hard to explain but my point is, if I could have been happy single all these years, I would chose that over being happy in a relationship only for sometime in the future be extremely hurt.

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I think it's good you realize this to take into your next relationship. I think it's an easy thing for people to forget about making and maintaining friendships while in a relationship. I've seen people in very long term relationships, prioritize friendships and are meeting more people than I am while single, so I KNOW it's very possible to have a happy relationship and meet new people. It doesn't just end when you are in a relationship. Actually in my last relationship, my ex was meeting loads of new people while I barely met new people. I could have met new people, but got stuck in the routine of not doing it.

 

The same goes for dedicating time to new projects. I was able to do this just fine in a relationship and while single. Nothing has changed on that end.

 

Traveling is something you can also do in a relationship as well. My friends and myself included this in relationships. For instance I volunteered abroad for 2 months while I was with my ex-boyfriend. He also went on residency in some other country for about 6 weeks and it was never an issue. Obviously taking jobs outside of the country could be a bit more challenging to do in a relationship, but if it's your dream, doesn't mean it's impossible.

 

I'm just bringing up this point because some people throw away things that make them happy while single, while being in a relationship. Although relationships take some level of sacrifice, it doesn't have to include that much sacrifice. Obviously when you throw children into the mix, this changes things substantially, but if we are talking about 2 people who don't have children, then I'm not sure why you still can't travel, work on new projects and meet new people while in a relationship.

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Thanks for clarifying jonyyy. I do understand how you feel. Maybe if this relationship ended sooner you could have found someone more loyal and not experienced this pain. I get that.

 

But you should try to look forward and remember good things are around every corner

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(...)

 

I'm just bringing up this point because some people throw away things that make them happy while single, while being in a relationship. Although relationships take some level of sacrifice, it doesn't have to include that much sacrifice. Obviously when you throw children into the mix, this changes things substantially, but if we are talking about 2 people who don't have children, then I'm not sure why you still can't travel, work on new projects and meet new people while in a relationship.

 

This is a good point. I think that if you're happy in a relationship where you don't meet new people or have time to do all your side projects, it's OK. For example during my relationship I didn't meet many new people because a) I was happy with the friends I had; b) I would rather spend quality time with my Ex; c) I felt satisfied with my social life. I didn't feel it was some sort of compromise for being in a relationship.

 

But if you are in a R/S and you feel unsatisfied with any area of your personal life, yes I think you should try to accommodate both things.

 

 

Thanks for clarifying jonyyy. I do understand how you feel. Maybe if this relationship ended sooner you could have found someone more loyal and not experienced this pain. I get that.

 

But you should try to look forward and remember good things are around every corner

 

For example, yes! I would have met lots of new and interesting people if things ended a few years sooner. But not only in regards to relationships. For instance couple years back I had the opportunity to do a 1 year internaship in Macau. That would have been great! But I decided not to and at that time I didn't regret that.

 

But yeah I shouldn't spend much time with this type of wallowing. Just hope these feelings of regreting go away.

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They will. It has only been 3 months. It takes time. A colleague I worked with went through the same thing as you and she came back a year later trying to apologize and looking for another chance. By then he had met someone new. I was proud of the way he handled it. He listened to everything she had to say, told her he forgives her but he doesn't want her back and then cut contact and got on with his life.

 

In that year he got promoted, bought a flat, made new friends, then got a new job where he was happier and eventually met a new girl who he really liked.

 

Make the most of life OP. The world is at your feet

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They will. It has only been 3 months. It takes time. A colleague I worked with went through the same thing as you and she came back a year later trying to apologize and looking for another chance. By then he had met someone new. I was proud of the way he handled it. He listened to everything she had to say, told her he forgives her but he doesn't want her back and then cut contact and got on with his life.

 

In that year he got promoted, bought a flat, made new friends, then got a new job where he was happier and eventually met a new girl who he really liked.

 

Make the most of life OP. The world is at your feet

 

Shelty is 100% correct! It's way too early. The first several months post-BU are ridiculously hard. I'll always view last summer as the summer of hell. It only became less hellish and painful after 4-5 months but things get better eventually. Breaking up is tough and one of the beautiful and scary things about falling in love, it leaves us a mess when it's over. Just be patient. The feelings of regret will pass with time and eventually you'll just focus on the present and the future.

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Shelty is 100% correct! It's way too early. The first several months post-BU are ridiculously hard. I'll always view last summer as the summer of hell. It only became less hellish and painful after 4-5 months but things get better eventually. Breaking up is tough and one of the beautiful and scary things about falling in love, it leaves us a mess when it's over. Just be patient. The feelings of regret will pass with time and eventually you'll just focus on the present and the future.

 

This is another thing that upsets me (venting now). How dare they stole from us these months/years post break up!?! I want to move on and heal but I can't control the pace. Everyone says each person has is own pace, one shouldn't rush. But this is our life we are talking about! How outrageous is this, our Exs make us have a lousy existence in the months/years post breakup.

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