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In a relationship with a woman 15 years senior


Mr Red

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I'm currently in a relationship with a woman who is about 15 years older than me, I'm 21 and she is 35. I seriously want to spend the rest of my life with her and marry her, but I know with the age gap and her maturity, we will face a lot of problems that may threaten our relationship. (by the way I'm not a first language English speaker, please forgive my bad English)

 

We met each other around a year ago and have been "officially" in relationship for around 4 months. I'm still studying in Australia and she lives in Hong Kong, so we also have to cope with the long distance.

 

The major problem I'm concerning about is she is way too immature at her age, she is not a independent person, she needs my care 24/7, and she is still very youthful which in fact, for me is very attractive. But the issue is, with her immaturity, I believe that sooner or later, I will be more mature than her, I'm afraid that I can no longer stand her immaturity when that day comes.

 

Another problem is about sex, for now she is still physically attractive, but with aging, she will inevitably become less physically attractive. Of course I love her not because of her physical attractiveness, but I'm afraid it might affect our sexual life as we grow older.

 

Honestly, she is a very charming and innocent woman, and she loves me a lot, I do not wish to fail her. So I'm not seeking advice on whether we should continue our relationship but how can I mitigate and solve these issues.

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At your age you should be dating a lot of different girls to discover who you really are and what you want from life rather than trying to focus on settling down. you are too young to settle down, and need more experience in the world before you can make a good choice as to a permanent partner.

 

There is no advice I can give you on this because frankly she is at a different life phase for you, and if she has not 'grown up' by 35, your life will be full of trouble because she is high maintenance. And she won't be 'youthful' for long. In another 5 years, she will be middle-aged (and starting to wrinkle/sag), and you will still be a very young man. So there is no way around that other than face lifts and plastic surgery.

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I have dated younger men and usually age isn't the reason for the breakup. It can work, but usually doesn't last forever. And, it sounds you are already venting about this woman and it has only been a few months. You should be in the honeymoon phase right now, really.

 

21 is also far too young to have a 15 year age gap. It would be a bit better if you were 30 and she was 45. And she lives on another continent? Live in the moment and enjoy it for what it is, but when there are more cons than pros, you should consider ending it.

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Speaking from experience, even if you were able to overcome these obstacles (though I'n not sure why you would - she needs your constant care 24/7!?), you will likely face different ones as time goes by. Have you spoken about having/wanting children in the future?

 

My ex-bf was 15 years younger than me and the "children thing" became an issue for us. In the beginning he said that having children of his own wasn't a priority but as he grew closer to my children it became obvious that he WOULD want his own one day. Needless to say we knew we had to end things but it took almost another year before we could really accept that fact and to eventually find the strength to end it (we were together 3 years in total). It was pretty distressing to say the least and it has been one of the hardest break-ups I have had to endure.

 

I don't regret the relationship at all but , if I knew then what I know now, I would certainly have avoided one with such a large age gap.

 

My main concern is that, at 35, she hasn't grown up yet. As has been said, she will unlikely change so you will not only catch up with her (if you haven't already) but then exceed her maturity level.

 

Also, at only 21, SHE seems to be rather a lot to take on. It's almost like taking on a young child! She needs your care 24/7!? What is that about? Why do you have to look after her 24/7? Who was "looking after" her before you came along?

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You can't.

If at age 35, she is immature she is unlikely to develop further.

And as for.stooping time and the effects of aging ----if you figure that out you will be.a.billionaire.

 

May I ask....have you met her in person?

 

Yep, I guess with maturity, I will exceed her anytime soon.

And with aging, I have no intention of wanting her to stay young, but rather me becoming more of a spiritual person that simply do not care her physical outlook.

 

Yes, a year ago I was having an internship in HK and I met her at the workplace, so we were colleagues for three month.

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Yes we have spoken about the children issue and as for now we both don't want them. She is unlikely to change her mind, but after all I'm just a 21, so it's possible that I'm the one who change the mind in the future.

 

As I said, she is very immature and not a independent person, adding that she lives in a very horrible environment in HK, that makes her a emotional person and a person who seeks someone that can make her feel safe (which is me). So everyday I spend time on talking to her and try to be a good listener, use every possible means to relieve her negative emotions and cheer her up. But the good news is, as our love goes deeper, she seems to be a happier person and become less affected by the unhappy environment that surrounds her.

 

her background is quite complicated so I won't get into that much details, basically by far she has a quite terrible life, her father was a jerk that he intentionally broke her arm when she was 2! and her mom never love her that even now her mom still gets annoyed when she speak. She never has much friends in the school and in the work place, she works until 8pm everyday but her managers never appreciate it, and one of the managers would just come and scream at her for blaming her his own personal issues! And she also faces verbal sexual harassment in the workplace.

 

You might not believe these, but for most of the part, they are actually true, I was there at her workplace for three months. And one time I heard through Skype that a manager asked her that if he can touch her bra! (we normally Skype when she is having over time at her workplace)

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"her background is quite complicated so I won't get into that much details, basically by far she has a quite terrible life, her father was a jerk that he intentionally broke her arm when she was 2! and her mom never love her that even now her mom still gets annoyed when she speak. She never has much friends in the school and in the work place, she works until 8pm everyday but her managers never appreciate it, and one of the managers would just come and scream at her for blaming her his own personal issues! And she also faces verbal sexual harassment in the workplace."

 

Adding to this, I feel I have given her hope for a better life, a life with love and happiness. I have given her strength and encouragement to continue living her life. So I hold the responsibility to continue taking care of her, to not letting her down, to not destroying her life once more.

 

She is not a smart person, she never has a mentor that guide her through her life. So maybe with me, she can grow again, she can become more mature as time pass.

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She has become far too dependent on you already …. and it is highly likely you will change your mind about having children in the future. To be honest, at 21, you shouldn't even have to worry about that now. In fact you shouldn't have to worry about a lot of these things now.

 

This relationship isn't good for either of you - not in the long term anyway. You won't be able to provide each other what you both really want or come to want in the future.

 

In my opinion you should end things before either of you get in any deeper - but I know that is much easier said than done.

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Thanks for your advice a-little-blue. however, I do not want to let her go just because of my age and my own immaturity, I know I will definitely regret for letting such a nice woman walk away from my life, so I don't really want to give up without a fight.

 

I had talk through some of these issues with her yesterday, and we had came to a conclusion that if we want a brighter future, she will have to grow up in some way, and she is also willing to do so. I love her for who she is and I do not wish to change her, but in my opinion, in order for a relationship to last, we both need to get involved and work on it. I believe these potential obstacles can be mitigated and adapted if we both work on them.

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Thanks for your advice a-little-blue. however, I do not want to let her go just because of my age and my own immaturity, I know I will definitely regret for letting such a nice woman walk away from my life, so I don't really want to give up without a fight.

 

i can't really argue with that … having made the same choice myself (as in getting involved in an age gap relationship). It may not have ended as we hoped but I don't for one moment regret it. I believe that each and every person that comes into our lives comes into it for a reason.

 

As far as maturity goes, well, you sound very mature for your age. I think you will be good for this woman. I just hope that she is good for you too.

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i can't really argue with that … having made the same choice myself (as in getting involved in an age gap relationship). It may not have ended as we hoped but I don't for one moment regret it. I believe that each and every person that comes into our lives comes into it for a reason.

 

As far as maturity goes, well, you sound very mature for your age. I think you will be good for this woman. I just hope that she is good for you too.

 

Thanks a lot a-little-blue :subdued:

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