she doesnt deseve me i cheated.

[skyhop333]

OP,

 

Being on the receiving end of what you say you have done, I have just a few points I want to make, from there, judge for yourself what you need to do.

 

You are feeling extreme guilt for your actions. Let me tell you what she and other victims of cheating are really feeling.

 

She is feeling completely betrayed. She has been lead to believe something in her all along is so undeserving that a person could do this to her. She is in pain. She is feeling remorse and regret. She is possibly also under the delusion painted by events that make her feel less than worthy. She's hurt BAD. Your looking for relief for your guilt, but where is her relief? Where is her justification? Where is her comfort in that?

 

Tell her everything in a letter.

Every event of cheating.

Confess every lie.

Apologize for every time she was right in her gut while you would fight wrongly to justify your horrible actions while she remained loyal to you.

 

Not one ounce of your behavior and actions should be attributed to her in any way whatsoever.

 

Don't to try to justify what you've done. You have no defense for it, don't give it. It will make you look selfish and self serving.

 

Humble yourself to the ground. Every word she would read that you would write, she will scrutinize looking for more blame and rejection on your part. LEAVE NO statement that would imply belittlement to her in ANY WAY WHATSOEVER.

 

Take all the blame. Not only say what you need to say, from this day on, let your actions speak for your words. Don't tell her one thing and do another. This would discredit everything you try to say or do immediately.

 

If you want to limit the damage, realize now you ARE the damage.

 

You need to come to the realization that you need to tell her all the truth in a proper manner without expectation of guilt relief or justification.

 

There is never an excuse to hurt an innocent human being for "WANT" or "NEED".

You need to humble yourself in every statement you make and action you take from here on in for her to have one ounce of understanding and healing.

You can say the words for what you've done.

 

Your success on fixing things is going to hinge on how low you decide to humble yourself to the truth. Something to think about.

 

If you can't bring yourself to the level of pain and suffering for her sake as she has had to suffer for you, you will not be believed. She will not heal. You will not be forgiven.

[sharky988]

OP, I know I've read threads of yours before, but please forgive me for skimming over this last one.

 

I was wondering how old you guys were? I'm also wondering.... well, to me, this sounds like a lot of drama and heaviness when from what I remember, and what I've surmised from just skimming this thread, to be a complicated situation in which you both were hurting each other, travelling abroad for months at a time, getting back together, being unfaithful, etc etc etc.

 

My advice to you -- IF you do want a chance at working things out with this girl once she's back from HER latest months-long trip abroad, is to just stop sweating it so much, live your life, and see if she wants to be with you in a more committed, permanent way when she gets back.

 

I ask how old you both are because to me, it sounds like you're both wrestling with pretty typical issues many people face in their early 20's -- the pull between wanting to be single, experience dating other people, travelling -- but then also feeling torn by a desire to be faithful and committed to a person they love.

 

I don't really see you as an EVIL CHEATER in this scenario and suspect she's done the same to you.

 

I've been cheated on so I know how much it hurts.... but I honestly think what hurts even more is when the cheater ISN'T remorseful and DOESN'T want to stay in the relationship. This doesn't seem to be true in your case -- unless I'm missing something in your thread, which is certainly possible.

 

I'd recommend proposing a new beginning with a CLEAN SLATE when she returns from her next trip -- that you each vow to be faithful and stop travelling separately and work on making a real life together. This drama over whether or not to confess all your sins sounds a bit immature to me. You've both been the dumper, as I recall, you've both gone of travelling alone, you've both been hurt.....

 

I wouldn't say anything to her and propose a new beginning for you two, starting when she gets back.

 

Your need to "MAN UP" sounds more like a need to relieve your own guilt than anything else. If you're ready to be committed and make a future together, I'd focus on that instead of beating yourself up over things you did in the past.

 

That's just my take on it, anyway.

[Selflove1]

Reading through this thread, and the replies from OP, it. I don't know. It is everything my recent ex has been saying to me, but since he also cheated with multiple women and kept Lying to me until he knew I no longer believed him, but reading what you are saying I can give some belief into what he is feeling, as you have expressed your feelings the same I believe them both to be sincere. I have no advice or opinion, I don't even know why I'm writing this. I think I'm just glad that as the "cheater" you have come here and brought to me a bit of comfort. That sounds odd I know lol it still hurts but knowing that maybe (in my situation, since it's like de ja vu) he is remorseful. My comment is pretty pointless just needs to get it our of my head

[Kendahke]

Well, you know what you did put the relationship in hideous jeopardy, so that's a non starter.

 

I think that if you want to be as above board as possible, you need to tell her that it's over and why it's over. In that order. Come completely clean with her. If she chooses to forgive you and remain with you, then she will have made that decision on the even ground of truth. She wont' be blindsided by your truth in the future.

 

I also would not expect any answer from her while she's gone abroad. Tell her to use her time to think things over and when she comes back, if she wants to be with you to contact you... however, because you've already ended it with her, she must also know that you are not going to sit around and wait--you both are free to lead your lives. I would strenuously caution against telling each other not to see others during this time. It's unreasonable and unnecessary, given what has already transpired when you two are out of each other's line of site.

[sunshinepink]

hi there

I feel for you....I am cheating on my spouse and it doesn't feel very nice, think cheaters need some support too....its like domestic violence and men, there are sooo many women support groups but nothing for men. There are loads of support for those cheated on but what about those who cheat?

 

I don't think I am a bad person, I am a mother to three kids, I have worked all my life, I help people for a living and nursed my father through cancer; I know I am not a bad person. But I met A 7 months ago and felt like I was woken up from a coma....he brings me happiness, life and makes me feel alive again, I have never been happier.

But I am a married to J for 7 years and we have three children together, all under 5. we haven't had sex for two years and there is no spark between us anymore...and since meeting A, I have lost any interest in J. I know it is A I want to be with and don't want to make things work with J but J is not letting me go. he wants to make it work....we have been in separate rooms for two years and are in it for the kids.....if he found out about A he would take sole custody of them and the house (because he earns x10 what I do and adultery wont work in my favour)

 

so I am at the crossroads to and don't know what to do

[Dragunov-21]

There is a huge difference between being stuck in a loveless marriage with children where you don't have the choice to leave, and just cheating on your partner while having no material commitment. If you choose to associate yourself in with the latter, that's the way people are going to treat you on here, and that's not going to be in a supportive fashion (as you've seen).

 

If you haven't told a damn soul about A and you are capable of raising the kids alone then it might be worth speaking to a divorce attorney; I suspect that if no-one told J about A then you would have no problems getting custody and child support (if you couldn't work out an amicable arrangement), but if you went down that road I would suggest cutting contact with A while the proceedings were taking place and deleting/archiving any communications, to minimise your risks.

 

It depends on whether J is a bad guy or just a good guy who you haven't loved in a very long time, as to how far you're prepared to exert your abilities to protect your interests legally.

[jemoeder]

update

 

we had the talk. it was clear even without the added stress of the infidelity it was already over. she didnt feel the lovey dovey feelings anymore but she wanted to remain friends ... How fitting .. Could help laughing a little when she told me that.

 

I confessed to cheating however just kissing 2 girls. Seemed a good deal. She knew I cheated and got her honesty and I saved her from years of trust issues by letting her down easy. Instead of confessing to all the ing and tons of girls.

 

We had a decent convo for about an hour. Then it was time to leave.

 

We were together 4 years and the only thing now that remains is my guilt . And i deserve it !

 

This girl wanted to share her life and dreams with me and I blew her off to go abroad. Not realizing the pain i caused her and even if i did i doubt i would ve cared. we hurt each other so much in the past years.

 

I told her its ok if she wanted to hate me, i showed remorse and didnt want any forgiveness. She was the love of my life and it will be some time before I let anyone so close again. We agreed we shouldnt have contact. She wanted to know how I would be doing but I cant do that right now. If its over its over. I dont want to act like everything is ok and have all those feelings come rushing back if she decides to see how im doing.

 

I loved her. I cherished her. I made a mess of it.

 

 

So all you cheater haters out there... Be happy, another cheater is miserable . I let a beautiful girl down easy and I know within a few months time she will be ok. I however will have to carry the burden of being the cheater forever. I will never ever ever do this again. She was mean at times but no one deserves this.

[Twidom]

If you loved and cherished in the first place you would not have done that. Yes I'm a cheater hater but that does not mean I'm happy with others misery. Just don't do that to someone else again. Try to put yourself in her shoes to see if it's fun.

[itsallgrand]

Something I noticed about people cheating is there is a lot of self pity involved, quite often (besides the outright malicious people who simply are more on the sociopathic side). They turn it about themselves, somehow, so I do think a lot of cheating is rooted in narcissism.

 

To think you are victim who needs support or who is suffering, it's a very strange perspective from where I'm looking.

 

I guess it boils down to not taking full responsibility for one's self. Even now OP, you can't be honest. You cheated and lied to avoid being fully in the relationship, yet you can't say that. You lied to the girl to get away from her, not to spare her feelings (if it was to spare feelings and hurt, you would have fessed up right away and tried to make right,or simply not cheated on her really).

 

I also find it narcissistic to think people out there would be happy to hear you are 'miserable' and not with her, as though they are so invested emotionally in you like that. That's unrealistic, IMO, and very self absorbed.

 

The point of me saying all this isn't to get into 'feelings' but to maybe you give you a different way of looking at your situation and yourself. At least to think about. I'm perceiving you as quite self involved and narcissistic; and folks like that tend to have a real hard time with truly empathizing with others (they make it all about themselves and their feelings all the time), and have a hard time with relationships (because of the lack of empathy, neglecting truly acknowledging the other person as they are, and difficulties with establishing true trust and respect with others).

 

If you ever honestly do want a different experience in life/ relationships, looking at your own self and issues dispassionately and without letting yourself get sucked into either getting defensive/self pitying can be life changing. It's where you start to get a real possibility to change. If you so wish.

 

About the whole situation, I still believe your girlfriend deserved the truth. I find it very disrespectful when anyone decides to withhold information which has a big impact on another person's ability to make their own informed choices. You repeatedly, and even at the last, took the away from her. And on that, I think you had no right, and have no right now.