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jemoeder

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dear all

 

i have posted many times on this website complaining about my relationship and my girlfriend. going around in pity for myself so many times and lying to her and myself. we have been on and off for 4 years.

 

i just came back from half a year abroad, and I have cheated on her countless times in that period. she says she knows something is wrong. she says hanging out will not happen until im truthful to her. few months before I went abroad we she dumped me and I took her back. Because I loved her. My choice of going abroad and my choice of cheating was one motivated by revenge and hurt. Since we broke up I have doubted our relationship many times.

 

However, i know she deserves better than a guy who has cheated on her so many times. I agreed to talk to her soon , in my heart i know i should break up with her because i know she deserves better than me. We both love each other but too many things have happened, I cant look into her eyes without feeling like a complete . She waited on me all that time.

 

i never entered our relationship with never the intention to be this type of boyfriend, the first 3 years I NEVER CHEATED. Even now, everytime im with her I feel happy and when we are apart we are miserable (long distance relationship due to my period abroad) lots of fighting.

 

For the first time I want to be COMPLETELY honest to her. She deserves that and I need to man up. If we were ever had the chance at anything, we need to be honest about everything. However, if im gonna be honest with her these things will happen:

 

1, Break her heart and give her trust issues for the next 1 to 10 years.

2 never get back together ever

 

Im not posting this in my interest. Im asking what to do in this situation for her sake. I can end this relationship without telling her, she will know something happened over there but not the full extent. I give her a chance to heal and go on with her life. I know she is such a good woman and person she will find someone eventually who will give her everything the needs.

 

So what do i do? Confess all my sins ? Part of my sins? Break up without telling anything?

 

Funny thing is, since Im back for the first time i can imagine us living together and building a future. But i ed that up for myself. I can tell myself I wont cheat again, and i really wont do it. But how can I lie to her about the cheating and then build on that lie a better relationship?

 

I love her so much and now I realize what a bastard i have been. I dont expect any pity here or people telling me its ok what i did. Tell me how limit the damage on her side. I know its my guilt thats tearing me apart and I dont want to end that guilt feeling by dumping everything on her. I need to carry it myself I think.

 

What should I do? Tell her everything? Tell her nothing? Tell her a part of the story? Not contact her anymore in my life hoping she will get the message and move on?

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The good and right thing to do is tell the truth and disappear from her face forever. Suffer in silence and never lay your hands on her ever again. Don't ever, EVER, do that to anyone else in your entire life. I don't care if you're insecure or whatever the reason.

 

I have absolutely no sympathy for cheaters and you should be ashamed of yourself. Go see a Therapist, get yourself treated and stop doing this to other people.

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Honestly, I would tell her because she's always going to wonder and she deserves closure. However, I would keep it brief. Talk to her in person but you don't need to tell her the dirty details. Tell her you've done some things that you're not proud of ( e.g. cheating on her... but extra details won't help her healing process) and you can't believe the person you were and the things you did. You guys have too much history and too much pain to continue your relationship. Even if she wants to get back with you, you have to be strong to avoid wasting anymore of her time...because she'll need time to heal. You'll have to break contact from her completely and pretty much disappear after she gets the closure she needs.

 

As for you.... people do things they're not proud of and I'm not justifying it by any means, what you did was horrible but it doesn't mean you're doomed to be a bad person forever. You were a bad person when you were making those decisions which is why you should probably stay single for a while, work on yourself, find out about yourself, and become somebody that you can be proud of. You might care for her but you have to let her go for the both you and you seem to already know that. When you truly do love somebody and you will love someone later on, you won't find yourself making those decisions.

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She should know. And I hope your balls will shiver when you tell her everything you have done. Then you let her go, because she deserves to be happy after four years with you.

 

Even if she wants to get back with you, you have to be strong to avoid wasting anymore of her time...because she'll need time to heal. You'll have to break contact from her completely and pretty much disappear after she gets the closure she needs. Agree.

 

Then you go counselling, and you try to solve your issues, before messing with somebody's life again.

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If we can get away from the (completely pointless, for the record) melodramatic lambasting, for a minute...

 

jemoeder, can you clarify what the nature of your relationship was? Prior to you going abroad, she dumped you, then what happened, and why? And is she looking to get back together now, or are you, or are you both?

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If we can get away from the (completely pointless, for the record) melodramatic lambasting, for a minute...

 

jemoeder, can you clarify what the nature of your relationship was? Prior to you going abroad, she dumped you, then what happened, and why? And is she looking to get back together now, or are you, or are you both?

 

first off im now so wrecked with guilt so yeah i guess people who are projecting their own hurt on me, i cant blame them and yes, i am a bad person.

 

 

The first 2 years were perfect. No cheating or serious problems.

 

year 3: went abroad, she broke up with me. returned home, got back together for 6 months.

 

year 4: she broke up with me again, no real reason. she was confused. we were apart for 2 months. i started appreciating single life. took her back because i still loved her and had hopes for us. in this time i made the decision to go abroad agian and was not giving up on that just because she wanted to reconcile after leaving me in the first place. 4 months back together. me going abroad again. rest you already know

 

 

What she wants: she hopes we can spend more time together, IF I CAN BE HONEST WITH HER. its clear she loves me but she also realizes that i havent been the best BF.

 

What I want: Be with her and leave all that behind. realize i have been selfish, change my ways and stay with her for the rest of my life.

 

to make it more complicated : she is leaving next week for abroad for 6 months. I can visit her maybe twice while she is there.

 

 

in my heart i know i should let her be because she deserves finding someone who she can start over with. i deserve a person who does exactly the same thing to me that i did to her.

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It is emotional abuse to continue lying to her. She already knows something happened but in order for her to get some closure and deal with this-she needs you to admit it. If you keep denying it and acting like she is crazy for having suspicions or doubts, that is gaslighting her and its a form of manipulation and abuse that completely messes with a persons head. It has driven people to commit suicide in the past. She is not stupid so stop all the lies and tell her the full truth. Worry about the rest later. It is ultimately HER decision whether she wants to try and forgive you or not-you cannot make that for her

 

Long distance relationships do not work and you should have ended this before you left. People who have been married and faithful for years who end up working away from home for a long time almost always cheat. Distance doesn't make the heart grow fonder. It actually results in withdrawal symptoms and reaching out for a new dopamine rush that you are not currently getting from your lover. This withdrawal leads to depression and grief-the same as a breakup which usually leads to a rebound.. if that makes sense. I am not saying any of this justifies cheating-it doesn't but it explains the science behind why cheating occurs more often in LDR's....

 

I don't think you deserve the same thing to happen to you but she does deserve the truth and it probably is best that you go your separate ways now or the relationship will more than likely become highly dysfunctional and just hurt you both more in the long term. If you were living in the same place and seeing each other daily, I would be a lot more harsh but tbh I would never do long distance coz I would never trust anyone enough so I would expect it

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Your right in that you can't build a relationship on a lie. You will destroy her with the truth, but I'm sure the guilt will consume you too. Whatever path you decide to take, there will be hurt and pain and a time of healing. I don't think it matters what type of relationship you had, there is no justifying making a decision to cheat multiple times. I can tell you are in pain aswell, it won't come close the hurt she will feel, but however corny it is "the truth shall set you free"

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first off im now so wrecked with guilt so yeah i guess people who are projecting their own hurt on me, i cant blame them.

 

Sure you can, many of them have been cheated on and use ENA as a place to lash out at people from a stronger position than they had when they were cheated on. You might be a person who's done some awful things but that doesn't make unconstructively crapping on you any more noble or less selfish.

 

There is one person who gets to be hurt over your actions and it's no-one here; it's your gf (ex?).

 

The first 2 years were perfect. No cheating or serious problems.

 

year 3: went abroad, she broke up with me. returned home, got back together for 6 months.

 

year 4: she broke up with me again, no real reason. she was confused. we were apart for 2 months. i started appreciating single life. took her back because i still loved her and had hopes for us. in this time i made the decision to go abroad agian and was not giving up on that just because she wanted to reconcile after leaving me in the first place. 4 months back together. me going abroad again. rest you already know

 

Ok. So if I understand you correctly, she kept leaving you and kept coming back. To be honest this sounds less like a calculated betrayal during a solid relationship and more like two people who don't know what they want, with you failling to be honest with her about what you wanted and choosing to string her along while you had fun elsewhere. It's still not at all right, but the motivations are very different.

 

What she wants: she hopes we can spend more time together, IF I CAN BE HONEST WITH HER. its clear she loves me but she also realizes that i havent been the best BF.

 

What I want: Be with her and leave all that behind. realize i have been selfish, change my ways and stay with her for the rest of my life.

 

to make it more complicated : she is leaving next week for abroad for 6 months. I can visit her maybe twice while she is there.

 

 

in my heart i know i should let her be because she deserves finding someone who she can start over with. i deserve a person who does exactly the same thing to me that i did to her.

 

Stop beating yourself up over it; all the self-flagellation does is make you feel marginally better about the fact that you did something awful you haven't been punished for. To be honest I don't think you deserve self-pity. You messed up, own it and figure out what your best course of action is from this point.

 

From the history you've laid out, you aren't a stable pair any longer. I have known people who've cheated and gone on to lead successful relationships despite the infidelity, but they aren't between people who can't figure out whether they want one another or not and are unable to commit. I would counsel you that it's over between you too, because adding the stress of past infidelity to a relationship is only worth the extra struggle if the relationship is special enough to warrant the extra hardship. From what you've said, I don't think yours with her is.

 

If you insist on giving it another shot with her, she deserves to make an informed choice (and from this thread it's pretty obvious the guilt would eat you until you couldn't keep your moth shut besides). The issue here is that if you think it's going to break her heart, that's likely going to be just causing her extra hurt for nothing. If she's going abroad for six months, that's six months she's going to have, without you able to really give anything worthwhile to the relationship, for her to do nothing but stew over the issue. I think the knowledge will either ruin a good part of her holiday or drive her to sleep with other guys to get back at you. Neither is acceptable, IMO.

 

I think you should walk away, keep your mouth shut and burn this experience into your brain so you never end up in this position again. The one caveat I will put on that is that if you think this will lead to her pining after you and wondering what went wrong, it might be healthier for her to know that you cheated on her during that specific period and don't feel you can lead a successful relationship with her because of that. That would give enough detail for closure (and stop her wondering whether the whole four years had been a lie) but protect her from the gory details that would only hurt her more.

 

However you choose to handle it, good luck mate, and I hope you'll learn from this lesson. It's a hard one.

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I just want to add if this relationship was really solid, you wouldn't have left without her in the first place. I don't blame her for breaking up with you during those long distance periods. I couldn't have a technology bf-ie one I only communicate with on the phone or internet and I wouldn't last long without the quality time, affection and sex but I wouldn't cheat-I would end it.

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the more i read all the posts the more I do realize the jerk i have been. not in a self torture way but just harsh reality. I always made excuses for my behaviour and choices to go abroad. If I keep on behaving like this I will never be able to sustain a healthy relationship.

 

She has hurt me many times and i have hurt her even more. We have both grown up during those 4 years. I cant believe how we once shared something so real and its now diminished to a cess pool of who did what and who treated who the worst. I know i was the worst one.

 

what i learned? say no when you dont want something. I was weak when she came back the second time. I knew it wasnt gonna last but I gave in because i feared being alone because i loved waking up next to her. However, i was never ready to give something up to be with her.

 

I have hurt the one and only girl in my life the most. Its crazy to think how we sometimes hurt the people we love the most. She was it for me.

 

I can remember all our sweet moments, all the times I was anxious to see her again, all the times waiting by the phone, all the times just hoping she loved me the same way i loved her.

 

And what now? Im on an online relationship forum discussing what and when i should tell her . that she is better off alone and she deserves to know how I destroyed all last love and hope we had by setting myself up to drown in a ocean full of meaningless vaginas.

 

You know what, the cuddling with other girls and sleeping next to them (which i both never did, hooray for me) felt always more like cheating than the actual sex .

 

to all the haters : you never walked a mile in my shoes and experienced my relationship as me . so please refrain from the bashing on me THE CHEATER. as you all know life isnt black and white. I would almost say 50 shades of grey but im not risking using that cliche.

 

its clear i need to tell her i cheated, so that she can move on while abroad. come back stronger and refreshed. i hope to god she finds happiness again and I still think we could ve made it if we had done things differently earlier on. All lessons and all senseless pondering on what have could been.

 

At least I have the empathy to take actions considering her feelings and happiness as main motivators. Instead of just gushing all details in trying to rid myself of the feeling i have inside me.

 

If she ever read this, i hope she can ever forgive me and try to remember the person who flew the world over just to see her 5 minutes. not the person i later became. the egoist and guy who thought it was ok to have sex and go abroad while telling her everything was ok.

 

my special thanks to dragunov, dont worry i learnt my lesson. next time i find the love of my life i will know how to treat her.

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It doesn't matter that the sex "meant nothing". That is completely irrelevant to a person who finds out they have been cheated on. All cheating hurts whether its a kiss, a bj, full sex or a full blown affair with feelings attached. Its a betrayal of trust no matter what way you look at it. A lot of cheating people try to justify it somehow by saying "it meant nothing" but that is the same thing as saying "you mean nothing to me because I threw it all away for something that was nothing" see the difference between how the cheater thinks to how the person being cheated thinks?

 

Yes telling her the truth will hurt her but it will also enable her to move on and hopefully it will enable you to change and be a more loyal person in the future

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I was telling you whatever you say to her, do NOT say "it meant nothing" unless you want an ashtray thrown at your head. That is what I would do tbh because IT ACTUALLY MEANS EVERYTHING, IT MEANS ITS OVER! I wasn't trying to diss you

 

And stop being so defensive. If you cannot handle a few honest opinions from strangers on the net-how the heck are you gonna deal with her anger, pain and million questions? And no matter what you answer, will be met with more anger and pain..

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to all the haters ...

well, first of all, there are no haters here, most of the time. just people that were cheated on and betrayed, and found out years later that what they thought was a wonderful life was actually just a lie, because these cheaters were too selfish and too scared to come clean and change something. and you said it yourself - you are ready to hear whatever we have to say - so here you go. too late to be getting all defensive, dear.

how to limit the damage on your side is what you want to know the most. all the damage was already done on your side. what you can do now is tell her your relationship wont work, because ... (your reasons and the truth about what you both have done to each other) and try to live a better life from now on as a better person, leaving her alone to do the same.

you bashed yourself first, but then after all these comments you start justifying yourself, bashing your girlfriend. not good.

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to all the haters ...

well, first of all, there are no haters here, most of the time. just people that were cheated on and betrayed, and found out years later that what they thought was a wonderful life was actually just a lie, because these cheaters were too selfish and too scared to come clean and change something. and you said it yourself - you are ready to hear whatever we have to say - so here you go. too late to be getting all defensive, dear.

 

Could you be any more condescending?

 

As to the rest, have you considered the possibility that rather than being uniquely-placed to give perspective, those who have been cheated on and haven't processed it to the point where they can dispassionately discuss cheating may be the worst people to give constructive advice to someone who is trying to do what is right from an untenable position?

 

It's like getting the families of car-crash victims to legislate road safety.

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An ex cheated on me but wouldn't admit it. I knew the truth, I figured it out pretty fast and dumped him but he still lied until he was blue in the face to anyone who would listen. I then lost every ounce of respect I ever had for him, I realized he is not the "nice guy" he pretends to be. He had everyone fooled, even my closest friends stood up for him at first as they were so convinced he is waaayyy too nice to do that.. which ultimately made me push them all away too for awhile. It was ironic that the only person who did believe me and also knew it was true was his brother. But the truth came out months later after the breakup when she told someone who told someone and he told someone who told someone but he would likely still deny it now if you asked him coz hes a "nice guy". Thats what he wants everyone to believe...

 

So if you want this girl to at least still respect you and know that you are actually sorry-it is better to come clean now. You will probably still lose her but at least she wont hate your guts for ten years and think your just an insecure little boy like I think of my ex

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Dragunov-21 I think you should be giving your advice to OP instead of pointing out what is wrong or right in other answers. OP is a big boy - he can chose what to do in the end after reading everything he was told and advised here.

I wasn't cheated on in any of my relationships, still I think he should come clean, and I would never advice him to just be gone, leaving her hanging in there, wondering what she did wrong or whats up with him, still, I never answered your post, telling you how wrong your opinion was from my perspective. and its not a problem for you, for some reason, to be giving advice in topics that are still hurtful for you.

 

OP said - For the first time I want to be COMPLETELY honest to her. She deserves that and I need to man up. I personally want to push him in that exact direction and I agree with that statement of his.

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I think you have done wrong in the past, but now you want to make things right. That, in my opinion is something I would personally want if my partner cheated on me. I don't fear the cheating itself, but the lie afterwards - the years going by without finding out. Or even worse - finding out through other means such as in his email account, or text messages, or from a mutual friend - or even the woman (or women) in question. I would want to hear from him, and I would want to hear that he was sorry and that he still loved me. Only then would I officially get the decision myself whether or not I choose to stay and work on the relationship, or if I walk away. Either way, it would be my decision to make, and not his. Which is what is basically happening when the lie is kept from her. She is with you under false pretenses right now, since you cheated your relationship has been a lie - nothing more.

And when you tell her, it is going to hurt like hell. But you are going to be left with a clean slate, both of you. And it is up to both of you then whether or not the relationship continues, or whether it can be crossed out and walked away from.

 

Don't worry about her and what trust issues she may or may not have in 1-10 years. First of all, I can vouch with my own experience - I was cheated on 2/3 years ago, it was during an LDR, and here I am again in love with a wonderful person and once again LDR for a couple of months at a time. Maybe I am unique but I can't compare two completely different people and fear the same thing happening again. Secondly, any trust issues she may have from your telling her the truth, she will get anyway. Why? Because her partner of four years ups and leaves her one day for no solid reason other than "it's not working". If she is going to, from now on, fear that every man she has a relationship with is going to cheat - then she will also have that fear that every man who says he loves her might up and walk away from her one day. It is an issue she is going to have to face whilst healing anyway.

 

I recommend writing her a letter and reading it to her/giving it to her. All your honesty and information will be out there and you won't miss out on anything or be distracted by her reactions and emotions if it's all already laid out. It will also help gather all your own thoughts together, and not be tempted to lie halfway through in order to save her feelings. I agree with larlequin, be completely honest with her - she deserves it.

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Dragunov-21 I think you should be giving your advice to OP instead of pointing out what is wrong or right in other answers. OP is a big boy - he can chose what to do in the end after reading everything he was told and advised here.

 

This is a forum, not a Q&A site. That said, I understand what you're getting at, and I'll say that while I'd normally agree, the fact is that any thread relating to infidelity attracts a certain clique within ENA who it would be laughable to suggest is focused on anything but shaming the OP.

 

It's the only topic that appears to allow not just disrespectful response en-masse, but quite frankly allows posters to attack an (often new-to-ENA) OP. It wouldn't be tolerated anywhere else on the site.

 

and its not a problem for you, for some reason, to be giving advice in topics that are still hurtful for you..

 

Which topics would those be? If I don't feel I can be completely objective and solution-oriented, I don't give advice.

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