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...and then there was one...I mean none...I mean...0.5?


StrcPrstSkrzKrk1903

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So I posted about a month ago about this potential love triangle that I saw developing. Thankfully, that's no longer the issue. Now we're dealing with mixed signals. Ah, back on familiar territory.

 

To recap: I met a woman some time back whom I liked, but who was hard to read as far as whether she wanted something more than friendship. Around the time we started messaging each other again, I met a woman at a party whom I seemed to instantly click with a lot more. Thanks in part to a few people on this website, I held off on breaking things off with the first woman―a good thing, as the second was in fact even less willing to get romantic. She didn't return my text after the date, so that was that with her.

 

So, fully prepared to focus my energies on the first woman, I saw her again, and *finally* it seemed like we were moving in a romantic direction. We eventually got to the point of holding hands, we kissed at the end of the evening. We exchanged texts the day afterwards to express what a good time we had, and we made plans to meet again. I suggested lunch and a movie. I figured, conversation and then a darker atmosphere to get cozy, right? I tried holding her hand during the movie, but to my surprise, she wasn't really reciprocating. We talked a little after the movie, and then said goodbye. No kiss.

 

So, as with the other woman I'd gone out with, I thought it was pretty pointless of me to try pursuing her. Whether she just got nervous or regretting making out or just wanted to be friends or whatever, chasing her wouldn't solve anything. So I didn't suggest another date with her; the only contact I had with her after that date was to express my condolences when she announced on Facebook that her cat had passed away. Didn't expect it to garner me any brownie points, but I just thought it was the right thing to do, despite my frustration at that point.

 

So imagine my surprise when I was at a friend's concert last week. I had made some plans to hang out with some other friends afterwards, so I checked the time on my phone, and I saw that this woman had sent me a text. Of course, it was a small venue, and I couldn't very well bury my nose in my phone to check the actual content of text to find out if it was good news or bad news. (My nerdy reaction was that this was an example of "Schrödinger's Text"―until the concert was over, it was both good *and* bad news.)

 

Anyway, she was asking how my week had been. I was unsure what she was looking for, so we carried on a bit of a text conversation over the next little bit, and finally I decided I'd ask her out one last time. I suggested coffee, since that was the sort of thing that could work either for friends or more-than-friends. She counter-suggested going to a bar. So the situation now is that we're going out on Sunday, someplace in her part of town.

 

I'm torn between two approaches here: should I just play it cool and let what happens happen, or do I explicitly point out the elephant in the room to her―that we kissed, and that I'm unclear about where things stand with us? I feel like she's acting like it never happened and that we can just ignore it. I somehow don't think it'd be a good idea to put it in so many words, but I feel like it'd be good to actually start communicating about what we're looking for from each other.

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I would play it cool if I were you. You don't know this girl well so asking where things stand with you may come accross as a bit intense. See how things go when you meet up with her, you should be able to tell pretty quickly whether she's interested or not. If she's acting similarly to the way she was on your last date, a bit stand offish etc, then maybe just consider not contacting her again

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You know, I really hate it when a guy expects to get all physical and grabby on the first few dates, as in pawing all over me, trying to grab my hand, make big moves on me when I hardly know him. From the sound of this, you are pressing too hard too soon in your expectations and invading their physical space in ways that may make them uncomfortable. Girls want to feel like you're interested in THEM as people and in spending time getting to know them, not just interested in 'getting some' as quickly as you can.

 

The way to tell if she likes you is she keeps accepting dates with you. And if she gave you a kiss, she likes you. So good! Now don't blow it by trying to railroad her into intimacy and physical contact. Wait until she gives you some serious signs that she wants to cuddle before you pressure her. In the meantime, just go out and have fun with her and see where it goes.

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Thanks for the advice! I admit I've had a weird history around dating (this past year and a half has been particularly strange), but I hear you about easing up on the physical contact and not forcing a conversation about having kissed before. I'll defer to the distance you all have from the situation and just go out and have a good time.

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Just a quick update.

 

Thanks again to everyone who gave me a little tough love on this question. I attribute the success of tonight's date to all of you (I know I said I was meeting her on Sunday, but obviously I totally gave you guys the wrong date―which I thankfully didn't do with her). You guys all helped stop me from doing something terribly neurotic, which, unfortunately, I'm wont to do.

 

Dinner was great, then we went to another bar for drinks. I didn't raise anything about our previous kiss, and I also held back on physical contact for a bit. It was kind of a relief because I was able to focus on her more, and our conversation did get much deeper as a result. When I did finally put my arm around her, it was just natural, more so than it was the night of our first kiss. She seemed a lot more OK with it than on the movie date, and she actually started giving me some much more active signals, like her taking my hand for a change. And yes, we did kiss again, and that too felt much more natural. More to the point, I think we were finally able to break the barrier of verbally acknowledging what was going on, so I'm feeling much better about where this is going.

 

Obviously, no assumptions, and I definitely won't be putting all my eggs in this basket for now, but this is a very welcome change. Thank you all again.

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