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I need to write about life, death, and taxes.


ConfusedKitty

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I've a lot on my mind and no one I can talk to about this without feeling like it's weird or being misunderstood. So I'm writing. I can't post this on my blog like I want to, actually I might, but in art/comic form, as I'm going to draw after I'm done with this, in an effort to feel better. I don't expect the world from this, I just need to let this all out into the inter-nether. Incoming rambling.

 

I don't have a best friend to tell this to anymore, he decided that I was immature and stopped talking to me 2 years ago. I'm not sure what I said, other than I wish I didn't have any bills like he does (which he really truly doesn't, he was smart enough to not get any credit cards, cars, and just pays his mom rent) and all I remember at the time is that my boyfriend and I were moving to another state and I was scared and was asking advice (as he and his mom had done it previously). So now I'm pretty much on my own. I don't know if I even want friends anymore, I mean I like the idea of friends, but no one I have met I really just want to hang with anymore. I still talk to friends from the state I was in via Facebook but that's about it these days. I don't know if I want to put forth the effort to try.

 

In any case, that's something that is on my mind but not at the forefront. Right now, my thoughts have turned a lot more morbid. Maybe I'm starting my mid-life crisis (again), maybe I'm starting to just grow old, who knows. But my thoughts have turned to death and my lack of a legacy. I'm 33 now, I have no career (I'm a temp, and while I enjoy the work...I'm a temp), I have tried many years to find what I wanted to do, from art, to IT to psychology, back to art, and now to nothing. $50k in student loans and I have nothing to show for it other than debt. I don't know what to do now. I'm losing time, I've lost heart, and I have no faith nor idea in anything I want to do anymore. I'm starting to think that college really just isn't for me and that I'm just going to have to be stuck doing whatever I can to make money. I know a lot of people do this, and it's not that big of a deal for some but I really wanted to be a professional. I thought being a graphic designer would fill the niche but I don't even know if that's going to do it for me anymore. Nor if I'd be good enough to do it. I never really wanted to do it as a kid or anything I just found out about it and went to classes for it. I wanted to do animation, game design, drawing comics, anything like that. Now I attempt to do something in drawing, and I just can't bring myself to finish. It's like I just can't. I had a great image I was working on but I stopped before I put the background in. I worked days on it and now it's just half done. And I can't do anymore. Reading a blog or so of other artists has me thinking that maybe, my dreams of doing art for a living are just that, and it should be more of a hobby. If that is the case, what do I do as a career? Which leads me back to the idea that I have spent 33 years of doing nothing.

 

What I should have done, is gone to college straight out of highschool with an idea. I should have said, "I want to be a lawyer" and gone to do that. Or, as I like to picture myself, I should have gone to that art college like I wanted to regardless of my mother's wishes, and found a job working at Disney or even better Blizzard, Rockstar or SEGA like I had wanted to do (and applied for), and I could have been in California with a lavish condo and a great career by now. I know that's not to say that it would have worked out that way for sure but it had a chance of happening.

 

Anyway back to the morbid part. The reason why I'm thinking about all of this. When I was 13, I decided that I hated children (and myself, but children too) and I didn't want any. All my life I never wanted any. Last year I was able to finally find a doctor who would make that happen for me. So of course I went through the procedure. I couldn't be happier with what happened. But now I'm thinking. Other people feel like they can continue on through their kids. Other people also feel like their body of work will allow them to somehow continue on. But me, I have nothing. I have bills that will linger on unpaid, but that's it. I have no legacy to speak of, and at 33 it's a little late to start. I feel like my life, is done. My mother is going to die in a few years, and that's going to destroy me. I don't want to go through that. My brother is 10 years older than me, and I'm going to have to go through that death too. My boyfriend is 9 years older than me. I get to go through all of this alone, and once I go, it's all over. Just waste away into nothingness. Everyone on this planet is going to die, (minus the vampires) and I realize this. But for the first time I feel like I wish there was more time. I have no time to figure out what to do with my life and go do it. I'm a slow woman, not that smart at all, not that great at anything. and the world is so large. The time I have to spend with the people I care for, the few that are left that haven't already died, is dwindling quickly. What the hell am I supposed to do?

 

I don't know what to do, I don't know what to feel, other than sadness of the loss of a life-many lives, I don't know how to go on. Previously I would have wanted to die, I tried it 3 times already anyway. But now I want to live and I know my time is short. Very short. Wasting away.

 

Well that's all I have to write. It's not as much as I wanted to, and there's emotions I can't get out through words, only pictures, so I'm going to go off and do that now. And attempt to keep going. For what reason I don't know.

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Your former best friend most likely stopped talking to you because he always had feeling for you and was too cowardly to communicte them, so he was never really a friend to begin with. Go get a nursing degree - you'll never have to worry about finding a job for the rest of your life. Of course we all die but that's hardly an excuse not to appreciate life as it is, however brief it may be.

 

Abandon all hope of graphic design or any job having to do with animation of video games. Of course everyone would love to get paid for that, which is why it's impossible to find a job even in CA. Those mostly go to Stanford educated one percenters and they land hose job in their 20's - time for a practical career.

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I had a few things I was going to suggest, but then I thought you have the right idea, to draw about it. Maybe even do it in a journal form, create an illustrated booklet of the angst of being 33 and pondering career and life. (Which we do, especially in our 30's.)

 

Looking back, if I were to give my younger self career advice (since I had a tough time choosing a career) I'd say get a vocational skill, such as plumbing, nursing, electrical. That way you can support yourself with a level of certainty while trying decide on a career, or support my art, or travel, etc.

 

And as for not finishing art work, just let it be a work-in-progress. With art, you can set a piece aside and start another, and return later to add, refine, or decide if it really is finished. Some day you might want a day of filling in all your backgrounds.

 

33 is a fine age for exploring life and making choices. It's not too late, you are not too old. That is just a myth.

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You are still young, relatively speaking. You still have a long time to accomplish a lot of things - you just have to decide what those things are going to be!

 

A vocational degree can be great as others have mentioned. You will have a job that can't be outsourced and could possibly be union. Alternatively, since you like art, maybe something to do with app design (they have one year programs in that; I considered one at San Diego State; it is partly technology and coding, but partly creativity and idea generation). Maybe culinary arts or baking/pastry arts. Don't just consider the substance of what you want to do, but things like... whether you prefer to work with teams of people or by yourself, whether you want to manage/own something, whether you like projects or tasks, whether you are willing and eager to take your work home with you or would prefer a job where you can clock out and go home at the end of the day, on the same note, think about whether you like shift work or 9-5 or if that even matters to you. Consider whether you want to be in the field or behind a desk. There are some great career tests out there that you can take which will give you this kind of information about yourself and suggest possible jobs based on the output. Treat it like an adventure.

 

Get the career plan in order. Then tackle the debt and get creative about it.

 

For example: After school, I moved home with my parents which was great for saving money. At that point, I had a job where I traveled a lot for work, so I really wasn't home much. Even when I decided to move out, I found I could rent a cheap tiny room in a home, in a safe neighborhood, low overhead, low expenses. It was pretty much a place to dump my stuff and sleep one night per week, so I didn't need anything fancy. I saved a lot of money there.

 

A few years of that and I had saved enough for a down payment and bought a home in a downtown area, multiple bedrooms. I rented out the two bedrooms which fully covered the mortgage. So now I own a gorgeous home and pay next to nothing to live there.

 

I babysit on the weekends, and since I work from home, I often pet sit for people (since I can hop over to their homes and let their pets out at lunch; easy win). I earmark the income from those activities for specific things - babysitting funds the things I want that are outside of my normal budget (a baby shower gift, graduation present, a new outfit for an event, etc.) and pet sitting funds my Roth IRA for the year. My tax return money goes directly into a 529 plan that I am saving for future kids' college money, so they don't end up in a situation with debt and loans for school.

 

My point is... that I think you should figure out something you would enjoy, even if not your absolute passion, and commit to getting the education and pursuing that career. Once you have the career and the income figured out, you can make the finances work. You will feel a million times better once you are debt free and accomplished in a particular area. That's when I think the right people will come into your life - people who share your passions, interests, goals, and priorities.

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see you're the kind of person that I wish that I was starting out. Or wishI were now. I never really had a plan and this point I don't think there is a way for me to think of one. My boyfriend is very good at budgeting our money so that's not a problem but he has deemed it my job too figure out how to fix our credit and I have been trying for 8 plus years now and I just can't figure it out. I'm even at a forum called creditboards which is supposedly one of the best for this sort of thing but I'm still dumb.

if I knew what I wanted to do it would be no problem. I have tried thinking up things to do like building apps, doing a 1 year graphic design program or something similar but I just don't think I can. Even if I did just do a one year thing there's no way somebody is going to hire me with just a certificate you need a bachelor's degree these days for anybody to give you a chance. and then financial aid will not cover a certificate and I don't make enough to cover it on my own and then if I saved up enough of that would take another 3 years if not more and that would just extend the time I'm already out of. I think I'm in a lose lose situation. I'm going to have to come to terms with the idea that I wasn't as smart as I should have been and just let everything go. Come home, sit on the couch and do nothing. That is if I can still afford one if they decide not to hire me on where I work now.

 

I'm torn with feelings of wanting to continue on and feelings of wanting to end it and not try, but if I end iton won't reincarnate, I'll be stuck living this life AGAIN or worse yet there truly is just darkness for us. Even if I dont end it time is running out.

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Nothing wrong with not wanting children. I couldn't stand children until I had my own. I LOVE mine and tolerate everyone else's lol. Either way, you should replace the word "hate" with "don't want" kids. Hate makes it sound like you don't have a choice in the matter therefore it can render you with a slight feeling of inadequacy. "don't want" is a choice. When you speak to yourself in terms of having a choice vs not having a choice you feel empowered. Try it sometime.

So did you ever get a degree or no? 50K...seems like you should at least have an AA. If not...hey that's fine too. Look at your college credits and figure out what handful of classes you would need to take to get a degree. ANY degree...just to have something to show for your hard work. Try volunteering. Many people find their passion for a career while volunteering.

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I'm afraid I did not get a degree. Sallie Mae is bugging me as they seem to think I have a master's and I'm bringing home a master's degree in money. I'm still very indecisive about all of everything and I'm tempted to just stop the hunt for a career and just get a degree in studio art since I can't do animation like I want (no places teach it here within a reasonable price tag) And just let it be. That won't get me anywhere but at least I won't be the only person with a useless degree and it will be fun. I fear fire how much I'm going to have to pay back. I'm just upset that I've done all of this searching for nothing. Wasted time, effort and money. Tired of making wrong decisions all the time.

 

Anybody know of a free life counselor I can talk to? I've obviously put myself in a rut and I'm stuck financially, spiritually, and every other -ly I can think of and I don't know who to go to or where else to turn without paying a lot of money (no benefits otherwise I'd see a shrink).

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