Unhappy, but afraid to leave.

[s88]

Hi,

 

I am just looking for some advice and opinions. Background: I am 25, my husband is 32, we do not have any kids. We started dating when I was 18 and got married when I was 21. Looking back, getting married was a mistake. I wish I would have been smart enough to make better decisions, but I wasn't, so here I am now. I am very unhappy in my marriage and have been thinking about a divorce for quite a while now. And yet, I still haven't come to a decision.

 

There are many reasons why I am unhappy. First, my husband is just not a very nice person and I really don't enjoy being around him. He is short tempered, unfriendly, condescending, and overall just a very difficult person to live with. I feel as though I am constantly walking on eggshells so that I don't say the wrong thing and cause him to go on a rant. Even the smallest thing can set him off. For example, he was on his way out the other day. I asked him if he would take the trash out to the dumpster. He snapped at me, "You're an adult. Do it yourself." Then he started yelling about how he has to do everything around here. Had he not been screaming and cursing, I would have thought he was joking because I normally don't ask him to do anything. I work full time, I do the cooking and cleaning, the laundry, the grocery shopping, I make sure the bills are paid, etc. So for him to go off on a rant about how I expect him to do everything for me is absurd. He is just always in a bad mood, very unpleasant and difficult to live with. He never has anything nice to say to me, never offers any words of encouragement or supports anything I do. When I was in college, he would tell me how I'd never graduate and how I wasn't smart enough for my chosen major. When I would tell him not to speak to me that way, he would tell me to stop being a b**** because he was just joking. Now he calls me lazy and says that I don't do anything useful. That is wrong and not fair. Again, I work full time at a good job, not to mention I keep our house in order, work out, and do a lot of volunteer work. To hear him talk, you'd think I sit around watching TV all day. I don't really know how else to describe his personality except to say that he is just not a pleasant person to live with and I do not like being around him. The way he treats me is my main problem with our relationship, although there are other issues.

 

Next, finances. We cannot agree on anything related to money. We do not make a huge amount of money or anything, but we should be reasonably comfortable. Instead, we are always broke because he spends money like there's no tomorrow. If I try to talk to him about this, a screaming match always ensues, so I've just given up. I'd like to have a savings account, quit renting and buy a house, save for retirement eventually. He is not interested in any of this.

 

Then there's the fact that we have nothing in common, no shared interests at all. Even if he were the nicest guy in the world, I'd still be bored out of my mind. Spending time together consists of him watching TV while I read or use the internet. The last time we did something fun together or went on any kind of "date" was probably a year ago at this point. I suggest things to do, but he hates them all. He hates the beach. Hates restaurants. Hates concerts. Hates museums. Hates movies. OK, so none of my suggestions are any fun for him, fine. I ask him what he would like to do, and he says that he wants to go buy another video game. That's it.

 

So, why am I still here? A few reasons. I have to admit that I am scared of what his reaction will be if I leave. Although he has never been abusive towards me, he does have a criminal background, and as I said above, he has a bad temper. Before we met, he went to jail for assault. He is just... aggressive towards people who make him mad. It is not unusual for him to get into fist fights over simple disagreements that anyone else would either just talk over, or walk away from. I'm actually surprised that he's only been to jail once. I don't know, maybe he wouldn't care at all if I left. He doesn't seem to like me very much anymore, anyways. On the other hand, I can totally see him freaking out and doing something stupid. I've thought about just moving out while he's at work, but that seems like a cowardly thing to do. But maybe being cowardly is worth ensuring my personal safety.

 

The next reason I am still here, dumb as it is, is that I am worried about how he would deal financially after I left. He does not make much money, most of our income comes from me. I don't know how he would manage without my income, and I feel like I'd really be screwing him over if I left. I also don't want to hurt him, despite the fact that he hurts my feelings all the time.

 

I just feel alone and I don't know what to do. I feel stupid for getting myself into this situation to begin with. I've been with him since I was 18, it's hard to admit that I've wasted so much of my youth on a failing relationship. I just want to be happy again. I haven't been happy in a long time. Any thoughts, advice, opinions would be appreciated. Sorry this post was so long.

[mhowe]

It is a dead relationship.

You run the bills...set aside money. Move out.

He is not your responsibility....

Why continue wasting your life?

[happyfrank]

Think of yourself first. You want to be in the same spot 10 years from now?

 

Gather your things and go. Leave him note that you left. Do you have family far away that can take you in for awhile? unfortunately you will have to lose your job( he can't track you) but the quality of life in the future will be better.

 

The best thing you do for your safety is get away for along time. Nothing of this is your fault. He just forgot how to treat you and different person now. He sounds like violent man so It's best your far away from him.

[s88]

Thank you both for your responses. You're right, I don't want to waste more of my life. I don't want to be in the same situation 10 years from now, wishing I'd have left 10 years ago. I definitely need to start setting some money aside. Moving is so expensive and I have no money right now. Even renting a small apartment takes a good chunk of money. All of my family lives in the town we're in right now, so no, I don't have anywhere far away to go.

 

I guess I just have to get out of this mindset of seeing him as my responsibility. He's not a child and he'll just have to figure out how to support himself.

[CeeLambrini]

You're going to be fine, trust me. His assaults seem to be quick reactions to things with a short temper, rather than plotting to hurt someone way before hand. If you want to ensure more safety to yourself however, make sure you tell people what you are planning to do and what you are afraid of happening. The more awareness your friends and family have towards your situation, the less likely he will be able to come near you afterwards.

 

Leaving him with financial issues is a consequence one human being must suffer when they have treated another who they depend on like dirt. Like your money, he is also going to be losing a lot of other things he has severely taken for granted such as your cooking, cleaning, the fact that someone was willing to love him for the rest of his life etc. He has brought these consequences on himself.

 

The day you walk out on this abusive "marriage" is going to be extremely liberating. It may seem scary at first but once you have done it, you will be happy again. Nothing is holding you back from walking out of that door, except your own nerves on what will happen. If you think you have wasted so much of your youth, then don't waste anymore. You seem to be really clear headed and know what you want, and it isn't this. I hope you keep this thread updated to what you do, good luck

[s88]

Thank you for your response too! Thanks to all of you for taking the time to read my post. Just getting it off my chest & having someone tell me I'm not crazy and I'm not a bad person feels so nice. If I could, I'd leave tomorrow and go crash on a friend's couch or something. The only thing is, I have 2 dogs. Nobody I know is able to take me plus 140 pounds of dog lol. I love my dogs more than just about anything, so giving them up or leaving them with him is not an option. I just need to save some money and then just get this over with. Thinking about this is scary, but at the same time exciting. Being free and just being able to relax sounds great.

[lavenderdove]

It is not cowardly to move out while he's gone if you're afraid for your safety, it is smart.

 

I think what you should do is quietly contact an attorney to start the ball rolling. Do NOT tell your husband about any of your plans, and tell your lawyer you are afraid of how he will react and will only want him served with the divorce papers once you are gone and out of the house.

 

Domestic abuse shelters are experts as helping women formulate a 'safe' exit plan for getting away from someone who might react violently should you leave, so you can call them for advice.

 

You best bet is to move out when he is not at home, and to go somewhere for a week or two where he doesn't know where you are so that he has time to calm down before acting impulsively. You can have him served with the papers after you leave, and you can also email him any explanation you feel you owe him rather than doing it in person. But once you are out, you are DONE and all communication should only be through your lawyer.

 

Ideally you will be living with other family members or somewhere where he doesn't know where you live. And if you are seriously afraid of him, you can ask the judge for a temporary restraining order until he has calmed down.

 

I suspect he will be furious at first, but people like this usually will just immediately look for another woman to help support themselves and abuse if they get left, unless they are truly mentally ill and obsessed.

 

re: the dogs, what you should do is immediately look into a boarding kennel for while you are looking for a place to live that can accommodate them. There are some nice boarding facilities especially if you are willing to go out of town a bit into the country, or you can look for a kennel somewhere where you can visit them every day while you are living with friends and until you can find a place to live and move in. A woman's shelter might help with that too as they may know people who will foster home dogs for a while while the women is getting situated.

 

Or if you plan it right, and in secrecy, you can find a place and rent it without him knowing, and move straight from your current place into the new place. It usually does take some planning to leave a marriage, just make sure that while you are planning you make sure that everyone involved you talk to knows that you do not want your husband to know you plan to leave to ensure your safety. And if he has a violent past, a restraining order might be a good idea at the time of divorce, that puts him on notice that if he tries to see you or contact you, he will go back to jail again, and that might be enough to put him off bothering you.

[s88]

Thank you for the great advice!

 

I think what you should do is quietly contact an attorney to start the ball rolling. Do NOT tell your husband about any of your plans, and tell your lawyer you are afraid of how he will react and will only want him served with the divorce papers once you are gone and out of the house.

I wonder how expensive an attorney is. Do you think an attorney is really necessary, or could I handle the paperwork on my own? My county has the divorce paperwork online that you can print out and fill out yourself, it seems fairly simple. It's not like we have to battle over custody, or a house, or anything really. We really have no assets whatsoever to fight over.

 

You best bet is to move out when he is not at home, and to go somewhere for a week or two where he doesn't know where you are so that he has time to calm down before acting impulsively. You can have him served with the papers after you leave, and you can also email him any explanation you feel you owe him rather than doing it in person.

Yep, that's what I was thinking of doing. I am glad you said this, because I was really feeling crappy about doing it that way. I was expecting to be told to own up to my decision and give him the courtesy of telling him in person. Again he's never been physical w/ me, but given his temper and his past history I just have this gut feeling that this is the best way for me to do this. I'm more worried about his immediate reaction, I don't expect that he'll try to come looking for me after it's over, I can just see him getting really angry at first.

 

Or if you plan it right, and in secrecy, you can find a place and rent it without him knowing, and move straight from your current place into the new place.

This is what I would prefer to do. Luckily most places around here are pet friendly with no weight limits for dogs, so I won't have any problems finding a place for us to live. I just need to get the ball rolling as far as getting my finances in order so that I can afford to put down security deposits, pet deposits, all that fun stuff that comes with moving. Wow, I've been thinking about this for so long but actually talking (well, typing) about it and putting all this out there makes this so much more real. I'm so nervous but so ready to do this.

[nick66]

Once you make the decision you'll end up asking yourself what took so long.

[shellyf62]

Lavenderdove gave you great advice.

 

All I want to add is good for you for making this decision, and I wish you well with your new life.

 

Take care.....

[CeeLambrini]

I like the email advice too. If he has such a short temper I can imagine it is very hard for you to talk to him about anything - especially when it is something negative about yourself. You can get everything down there, how he has made you feel, what he does that affects your life. Not that it will change anything but it may make you feel better knowing you've been able to write it out and let him know fully why you are no longer there.

[lavenderdove]

If you have no shared property or debt, then you could probably file the paperwork for divorce yourself, BUT you will still need to have him served with the papers and will probably need a process server to do that, or a third party who can testify that he received the papers. You don't want to serve him yourself because the risk is high he may explode. In many areas you can ask the sheriff/police to serve him with the papers, but you'd need to investigate that to determine how people are served with divorce papers in your area.

 

Other things to think about:

 

Do you have any shared credit cards? If those are open at the time you leave, he can run them up to the max and you will still be required to pay them. So you should try to get your own credit card before you leave in your name only, and on the day you leave, call the credit card company and tell them you are getting divorced and you want the joint cards frozen so that no more debt can be added to it in your name. You will still be liable for whatever debt is on joint cards already, but he won't be able to add more to the card.

 

Do you have joint bank accounts? It is legal for either of you to empty out that account until the time you officially file for divorce/separation and the court rules on that. So he can drain all your accounts and you'd have to try to get the judge to award your half of the accounts in the divorce. So take out your half on the day you leave. But don't empty the account and leave him penniless yourself, just take your half and document that because judge's don't like it if you take all the money when you leave. also immediately notify the bank after you take your half to take your name off the account and leave only him as the owner of the account and the half that is left. They may require him to open a new account rather than allow you to transfer the account to him, so don't ask to have him removed until after you have left the house.

 

If you have any direct deposits going to that account or debits coming out of that joint account, make arrangements to have those direct deposits and debits stopped before you leave.

 

If you own a car together, and he is on the title, he can come take the car any time and it will not be stealing since he is also the owner. You will need a judge to either temporarily grant you the car, or should try to find some reason to sell the car before you leave so you're both not on the note/title. You can try to get him to buy you out of the car note, but he probably won't cooperate. But if your name is on the note, you will be liable to the bank to pay it off or stop paying and let them re-possess if you don't sell and can't talk him into doing that.

[shelty24]

You don't need to file for divorce right now. There are no assets and no children. The divorce should be a simple and easy process. Have you anywhere to go right now? family? If yes then go while he is at work-call in sick to your own job if you need to so you can pack up your stuff and go. Just leave a note saying "I am deeply unhappy in this marriage and I have left you". You can worry about the divorce once you are away safe and well.

 

You are 25, you have your whole life ahead of you. Do it now because every minute you spend there is another minute you will regret later on. Be thankful you have no kids with this man and that it is easy to walk away. It would be a lot harder if you had a mortgage and 2 or 3 babies.

 

If you have no family to turn to then start looking into shared accommodation with room mates.

[Lester]

You said, "he would tell me to stop being a b**** because he was just joking."

- This line makes me think he is more of drunkard than psycho.

 

Is he a drinker?

If so, It should be a little easier to make a clean break.

[s88]

Good morning,

 

Lester, actually he's not a drinker at all, ever.

 

Lavenderdove -- been researching the process. Apparently in my county you can just go to a process server's office and have them serve him with the papers. The good news is that we don't share any bank accounts, credit cards, my car, anything. The only thing that is in both of our names is the lease for our current place, I handle everything else on my own. I paid off his car a long time ago and the title is in my name, but I'll just give it to him, I don't want his car.

 

Everything is in my name alone and has never been in his, ever, not even jointly. He hates banks and credit cards and so I've just always had everything in my name. The way he spends all the money is by either using my debit card at an ATM or buying stuff on ebay with my Paypal account. He pays bills by cashing his check, giving me money, and I put the cash in my bank account. I always thought it was a weird arrangement, but at least it will probably make things easier legally.

 

I'd rather wait until I have enough money for a new place of my own, but this thread has me thinking of other possibilities. I could definitely move in with one of my parents, the only problem is my dogs. My parents got divorced a little while ago as well, and they sold the house they owned and both moved into smaller places. I just don't know if I'd be able to bring my dogs because they both have dogs of their own & every rental I've ever seen has a maximum of 2 dogs allowed. The idea of placing my dogs in boarding was a great idea. I could do that until I have enough money to move into a new place of my own, and then I could simply gather my things and leave rather than trying to deal with finding a new place in secrecy. My parents wouldn't charge me rent and that would make saving money for a new place a lot easier than it would be living here and paying for everything. I guess I'll talk to my parents and see what they think. They told me when I was 18 that he was totally wrong for me and I'd never be happy with him. Should have listened to my parents, but as an 18 year old I thought I knew everything!

 

Off to work now, but lots to think about. I probably won't be able to focus at work at all today.

[CeeLambrini]

Looks like you need yourself a to-do list. I completely agree with you to go to your parents house - there will be less pressure in finding a place as soon as possible which will help you choose a nice, quality place for yourself at your own pace. The money saving is also a good point too, your parents are probably going to be thrilled you are leaving him then!

[s88]

Looks like you need yourself a to-do list. I completely agree with you to go to your parents house - there will be less pressure in finding a place as soon as possible which will help you choose a nice, quality place for yourself at your own pace. The money saving is also a good point too, your parents are probably going to be thrilled you are leaving him then!

 

Oh yeah they'll definitely be happy. They've always been polite to him for the sake of keeping the peace, but they've never been big fans of our relationship. Of course, I understand why now that I'm a bit older and have gained a little bit more common sense. They definitely tried to dissuade me from being with him in the first place, but since I was 18 and on my own there wasn't much else they could have done.

 

Here's something else I was thinking of: Our lease at our current apartment does not end until September. What if I move out and then he moves somewhere else without completing the lease? I imagine he'll just move to his home state soon after I move out. He does NOT care about his credit at all, so it would be no big deal to him to just move out owing several months worth of rent to our current apartment complex. I don't want that to go on my credit! I want to get out ASAP, but I don't want to do anything dumb and ruin my decent credit.

 

Thanks again for all your help! I know what I need to do, I just have to stop feeling so guilty about leaving him. Yeah he treats me like crap, but ultimately I know that I'll be fine-- it's him that I'm worried about. I have a good support system, a good job, I am not worried about being on my own at all. Actually, it sounds fabulous. Him on the other hand -- terrible credit, low paying job, no bank account to pay bills with, he's used to relying on me to make sure everything gets paid on time, and so on. I just don't know how he'll support himself and that's one of the main thing that has held me back even though I've been thinking about this for a while. I mean, the amount of our rent is almost as much as his entire monthly income. After he pays that and utilities, he won't have anything left over. That's why I'm "afraid" to leave -- not because I'm afraid of being on my own, but afraid of how he'll deal with all of this! I suppose I'll just have to accept that it's not my problem anymore.

[lavenderdove]

>>Him on the other hand -- terrible credit, low paying job, no bank account to pay bills with, he's used to relying on me

 

Well, he's a grown man and responsible for how his life goes... he could be financially responsible, go to school at night to get a career that paid well, save money, treat you nicely so you wouldn't want to leave. he must accept the consequences for his behavior just like anyone else.

 

and he can get a roommate if he doesn't have enough to pay the bills.

 

All of that's on him! And if he is that type, he'll just get a new GF before you can blink to fill that role you are filling... really, they will swear undying love for you until you are no longer useful to them, then they'll hop on another woman in a heartbeat.

[lostandhurt]

Okay so you have fears of what might happen. Everyone does because it is the unknown and us humans love to know how things will turn out. Fear keeps many of us from moving forward. Don't beat yourself up about it...you are human. The thing you need to worry about/fear more is what will happen if you don't divorce him soon.

 

He is a grown man and was 25 when you met so he was the age you are now. Was he able to take care of himself then? He will find a way like we all do.

 

Your best move is to plan this very carefully without him knowing. A mediator can help but if he is a hot head and unreasonable you may need to get a lawyer. I have a feeling once the shock of you telling him you are divorcing him wears off he will become very nice to you and try and win you back. Don't fall for it!!! He has shown his colors and will just go back to his old ways.

 

Divorce is serious and you are right to not take it lightly. Think about if there is any real way to save your marriage and if the answer is no then that leaves you only one option and that is to divorce him so you both can move on with your lives and hopefully find someone more compatible for each of you.

 

You both will survive like so many others...

 

Lost

[Ready]

Wow. Just wow. I read your post and it is exactly my situation only I have stayed in the relationship for 18 years. That is 18 years of my life I will never get back. I am 35 and he's turning 37 and he's exactly like yours except for the condescending part. Replace that with "chooses buddy's and job over family" and it's the same. He is a complete spazz. Can't really talk to him about much. He's terrible with money...always on his last dime. We have our own bills and accounts but I have to constantly hassle him for his share of expenses like groceries and things for the kids even though we make roughly the same salaries. I can tell you that I have wanted out for years but didn't want to be stuck raising kids on my own because sure as I walk out he'll turn into a deadbeat. Never found a guy I'd want to leave him for either-though I wasn't looking one never did come along. Anyway, just know that it will NEVER change. Even with counseling, talks, separation or anything else. It was a mistake that you can un-do before you waste your youth. I'm biting the bullet and putting my plan into place now. Unfortunately for me I have property, kids and an irrrational man to deal with.

[s88]

Hi Ready,

 

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. 18 years is a really long time to spend with someone, and to have kids and property and everything. I totally know what you mean about having to hassle him for money for the bills. It's so frustrating, he gives me such a hard time about contributing anything but he feels free to spend like crazy. I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible for you.

 

I talked to my parents, talked to a couple friends, everyone is happy that I'm getting out. Apparently it's obvious to everybody how unhealthy our relationship is. I am going to become roommates with a friend when her lease is up at her current place, we found a super nice pet friendly place and I'm super excited. I just need money now, working on that. But, this is definitely happening. Telling people online was a first step, but now that my family and a few close friends know, reality is setting in for me instead of this just being thoughts that I've kept to myself for years.

 

Although I am very excited for my future for the first time in a LONG time, I'm also dealing with a lot of anxiety. I feel nauseated and shaky, sneaking around behind his back planning things while acting like everything is the same as always. And he's being nice to me now! What the heck. Being nice to me for 1 day doesn't erase years of unhappiness and I have absolutely no desire to be in this relationship , but still, it just feels weird, I don't know. I'm a weird combination of being super excited and being a complete nervous wreck.

[Ready]

Good for you! It is an uneasy feeling of "going behind his back" but the other alternative is to just move out while he's out of the house and stay with someone until you can move in with your friend. I wish I could have done that. I don't have family here or friends that I can stay with (I have pets and kids) or I would have moved out long ago. I have realized that the older I get, the less inclined I am to put up with BS and unhappiness. He is going to sense a difference in you and either his "uh-oh" radar is going to go off or there will be a change in you that he becomes interested in. Either way, I have never known it to last. As soon as you agree to stay and work things out he goes back to the same old jerk.

[s88]

Well, it's finally over. My plan of moving out while he was at work didn't happen. We have just been arguing more and I finally just told him that this relationship is not working and that it needs to end. He is completely OK with it, he is not mad or angry or acting crazy at all. Actually he seems pretty happy about it. I get both dogs, we are splitting things up evenly. We are going to go to the clerk of court and sign the "simplified divorce" documents together so I don't even have to deal with geting him served.

 

I feel so conflicted right now. On one hand, this has needed to happen for a long time and I know it is for the best. It's not a healthy or happy marriage... so why am I so sad right now? I've been crying all night. This doesn't make any sense, I thought I'd be happier! I guess I just have to give it time, I just feel really sad and alone for some reason even though this is what I want.

[CeeLambrini]

Of course you're going to be upset, you are still mourning the marriage, the relationship, the hopes you had for him when you were 18 and the happy feelings you felt when you were 21. You are mourning a person who isn't there anymore, or a person you thought existed but never did. You might be overwhelmed as well, feeling trapped for so long and scared to leave and now you have done it.

Are you out of the house yet s88, or are you still in there with him?

[s88]

We are both still here as of right now. I was planning on moving out, but instead he is going to move out. I'm going to stay here until the lease ends, and then I'm getting a place with a friend. I guess I was worrying about his reaction for nothing because he is not upset at all. When I said he "seems pretty happy", that was a bit of an understatement. He is REALLY happy and is being much nicer and more agreeable than he has been in a very long time. He's in a fantastic mood and I'm the one who is upset It's definitely a relief though. A very strange combination of feeling completely relieved and incredibly sad at the same time.