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My boyfriend keeps going through my things behind me back


quietgoodgirl

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My boyfriend keeps going through my phone, my laptop, diary, fb, and who knows what else and waits months to tell me. He usually decides to tell me when we are arguing or something like that. He keeps asking me about a guy I dated and talked to way before I even met him. I don't talk to any guys anymore since I met him and I have told him that, but he keeps insinuating that I should unfriend them on fb and he found out that the guy I was talking to works out at my gym, so he has joined my gym, and when I have days off from work I have to tell him or else he will accuse me of planning to mess around with someone else. We live a hour and a half away from each other but whatever chance he gets, he will text me all day at work, which is affecting my productivity, when I get off i cant relax without him calling me just to talk for HOURS about himself, and he always wants to spend time with me and doesn't feel comfortable with me having time to myself. I don't know what to do. He told me his ex wife had a year long affair on him and his girlfriend after that cheating on him with her baby's dad. I know he is insecure but should his insecurities be my problem?

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No, his insecurities may be a logical emotional response, but they are his to fix so that they do not impose on you.

 

DTMFA

 

or if thats too vulgar: end this ruse of a relationship. Its really just an exercise in validation for him, and an exercise in self-defense for you. You deserve better, as do we all. Each of us has a voice and he has determined that he owns yours. Unacceptable.

 

There is another thread on here about how to spot crazies. Your bf, as much as you may love him, is doing behaviors that would qualify. Nobody would start a new relationship knowing this is how their man would behave. Its inexcusable.

 

He is a drain on your energy, self-respect, and momentum. Go. Don't analyze him. Just do what is best for you.

 

Have I said it enough ways?

 

Sorry.

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These actions are far more than simple insecurities, they're controlling. And that's a red flag no matter which way you cut it. Tell him to get into therapy and get his head straight, maybe spend some time just by himself to get past whatever happened to him and in the meantime, you're breaking up with him. It's ridiculous and must be exhausting and it's not a healthy relationship. Otherwise he's going to get worse and worse and may cross the line into worse forms of abuse since I think he's using having been cheated on as a justification for underlying problems that were either already there or that he didn't handle when he broke up with his exes.

 

It's not you, it's him. And nothing you say, do or offer up is going to change his behavior. He has to do that, which probably won't happen until he's tanked a few relationships and realized maybe the problem is him after all. You shouldn't have to pay for something another woman supposedly did to him regardless, so don't.

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No. He has no business looking through anything that's yours. You have a right to your own space and your own time.

 

The answer to his past cheating problems isn't to force you to carry the burden of his ex's---it's for him to get a grip on his silly behind.

 

What his ex's did have absolutely nothing to do with you, who you talk to, where you work out or any other creepy-stalky thing he thinks up.

 

You need to dump him, girl.

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Call me naïve, but I continue to be amazed about this snooping. I have seen so many threads about this. Do people not respect each others privacy anymore?

 

Quietgoodgirl, there is no excuse for your boyfriend to go through your things. It’s all about his insecurities and you should not tolerate this. Dump him.

 

These are my personal rules:

I don’t open or read my partners mail;

I don’t look through his wallet or bag;

I don’t read his e-mails or look through his computer (by the way, don’t we all have our own laptop, tablet, smartphone these days?);

I don’t snoop through his phone;

I don’t read his diary, notes etc.;

I don’t go through his other personal belongings.

 

And I expect to be treated the same way by my partner, it’s called privacy. I have nothing to hide, but I am entitled to have my own personal space. I want to be free to share things with my partner or keep it for myself.

 

For example, the other day a friend of mine had discovered some knots in her breast and she was all panicking. We exchanged several mails and after further examination it all turned out to be harmless. My friend sent these e-mails to ME and not to the entire world. So it is nobody’s business. I did not talk about this to other people; that would be up to my friend to tell other people. We respect and trust each other.

 

But this is just an opinion from a lady from Europe, who grew up in a time when there was no internet, laptops and cell phones and who had to ask her parents for permission to use the telephone.

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Call me naïve, but I continue to be amazed about this snooping. I have seen so many threads about this. Do people not respect each others privacy anymore?

 

I was naive too, until it happened to me. Yes some people do not respect other people's privacy, usually they have other issues to like they are controlling, emotionally abusive, or insecure. Everyone deserves a right to privacy, even in a relationship. And if you don't feel that you can trust your partner enough to NOT snoop, then you shouldn't be with them.

 

OP as everyone has said, I hope that you dump this guy. This is not normal behavior and you can do better.

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Thank you.

 

You have ably illustrated my exact sentiments on why snooping is deceitful and not wanting someone all in your business has nothing to do with cheating. A lot of times, it has to do with information that is not fit for the snooper to know because it's someone else's business that I've been entrusted with.

 

The only thing a snooper needs to justify their feeling that they're being cheated on is their own gut. If you can't trust your own intuition, then you're lost.

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i was def not like this at all..no where near but coming from someone who is insecure and dealing with having to know where the SO is at all time/who they are with..wanting to snoop..its seriously like a drug. If its not the guy at the gym, its a random other guy you happened to talk to last week. If you talk to him for an hour today but ignore him for 15 mins tomorrow, it will stay the same. Only way I was about to get over this was when i was tired of worrying about every little thing and told myself that i need to grow and get out of this and if it causes me to get hurt, then so be it. 99.9 percent of the time nothing comes out good from snooping and even when you find out something horrible, it still doesnt make you feel good anways.

 

This is extreme, and he wont be able to change anytime soon. Thats a fact.

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Good for you that you realized that this only causes hurt and ruins the trust in your relationships

 

I was cheated on twice...I would get really scared but yes...being like that will always ruin the relationship unless you change.. you Have to put yourself out there and stop worrying...It was a new issue every week. Oh who is that guy..the next week oh who is that guy. its like you always look for something wrong because its too good to be true.

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I dated a snooper. Who cares, he is probably reading this now.

 

Hi, you!

 

Oh, did I add, I dumped him?

 

Snooping is a game. Its a control game, its a mind*&^%. That is the point of it. This thread has been so consistent. It must be hard to read it, seeing how firm we all are in our opinions.

 

Trust us. We've all been there. End it.

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Thank you everyone for your thoughts, opinions, and wonderful advice. I have ended the relationship. It wasn't very easy but I did it. Yay!

 

CONGRATULATIONS! Every time you waver, pat yourself on the back instead. Good work advocating for yourself.

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