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Is it a numbers game?


ChasingHope

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So things ended with a guy I REALLY liked a little over two weeks ago (his choice). We hadn’t been dating long, but I was very excited about him, and was disappointed when things ended. However, I know that life goes on, so I started going on dates again. I wanted to get other people’s thoughts on this.

 

So I have had 3 dates in the last two weeks. The first guy, it was lukewarm. We had some laughs, but I never heard from him, and I didn’t really have any desire to reach out to him myself to hang out again. The second guy spent two hours talking about himself: I know where he grew up, the different high schools he went to, the different colleges he taught, the names of his nieces/nephews, how old his parents are, what his brother does in his spare time, etc—he knows where I am from and that I work in HR. He also was ok with splitting the bill at the end of the night, even though I had a BLT and he had prime rib.

 

I went out with a guy last night, and within 5 minutes I was over it. He made fun of the places my friends and I hang out at, my home state’s football team, the drink I ordered, etc. Didn’t go well, to say the least.

 

My question is this—how many guys will I need to date before I find “the one”? I know that no one can tell me for sure, but it would so comforting to hear from people who went on one bad date after another, but finally were able to meet the person they were meant to be with

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I had to date many many -for 24 years, on and off (for many of those years I was in long term relationships). It was like a part time job. But it was worth it because I wanted to get married and have a chance at starting a family. The first time I reconnected with my now-husband was 24 hours after a bad date which resulted in harassing e-mails from the guy the next morning.

 

When you have a bad date try to move on from it within a few hours or less and get back out there (or on a dating site) - and as you date more you'll most likely develop a thicker skin and get better at screening out people who might not be right for you.

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Sounds like that third guy had no dating skills and was od'ing on "negging."

 

Honestly OP, I am wondering the same thing. I'm not really actively dating right now, but I did a lot this past year. It was always they liked me and I didn't like them, or vice versa. It's clearly very hard to find "the one," and there is unfortunately no speeding up the process. Like someone very wise once said on here..."finding a relationship isn't a quest you can go on." It sucks, but I've found that to be quite true this past year. It'll happen when it's supposed to happen..but it will happen

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I def think dating is a numbers game, but not in the way you're approaching it - in dates.

I think the more people you know the faster you'll meet someone.

It doesn't have to be all about going on dates.

I honestly think this is where girls go wrong: They channel too much of their TIME into going on date when they should be spending it with their girlfriends.

You don't need to be out dancing the night away... Just DOING things with your friends is hte best way to meet new people.

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I def think dating is a numbers game, but not in the way you're approaching it - in dates.

I think the more people you know the faster you'll meet someone.

It doesn't have to be all about going on dates.

I honestly think this is where girls go wrong: They channel too much of their TIME into going on date when they should be spending it with their girlfriends.

You don't need to be out dancing the night away... Just DOING things with your friends is hte best way to meet new people.

 

I actually have a large group of girlfriends that I spend the majority of my time with when I'm not at work. These ladies are successful, attractive, fun individuals (mostly dentists and lawyers, but also an architect and an engineer) and we attract positive attention. We meet lots of people (especially guys), and a lot of these turn into dates. So, this really isn't an issue for me.

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I def think dating is a numbers game, but not in the way you're approaching it - in dates.

I think the more people you know the faster you'll meet someone.

It doesn't have to be all about going on dates.

I honestly think this is where girls go wrong: They channel too much of their TIME into going on date when they should be spending it with their girlfriends.

You don't need to be out dancing the night away... Just DOING things with your friends is hte best way to meet new people.

 

I think they did a study and have men view photos of a woman by herself and a woman with her friends. 90% of the guys survey say the woman always look better with their girlfriends by a large margin.

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I think they did a study and have men view photos of a woman by herself and a woman with her friends. 90% of the guys survey say the woman always look better with their girlfriends by a large margin.

 

Oh, I agree with this, which is why I suggest they stand apart from their friends, but still spend time with their friends.

It's good you spend time with your friends.

A lot of my single friends complain about not having a BF, but they don't spend their time wisely,that's all I was suggesting.

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Oh, I agree with this, which is why I suggest they stand apart from their friends, but still spend time with their friends.

It's good you spend time with your friends.

A lot of my single friends complain about not having a BF, but they don't spend their time wisely,that's all I was suggesting.

 

No, I totally get it. I was just saying that this isn't something that affects the bad dates I have been on. It can really start to get discouraging. Going on first dates isn't the most fun thing in the world (for me, not everyone), and after you have more bad than good, you start to lose heart.

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ChasingHope... ssshhh... ur discouraging me lol.. well I think thats part of online dating is that there are lots of ppl to go thru and then of course meet, and usually u will know if u two will see each other more from there but most times its a no.

 

But I have never met anyone online dating site that I actually liked

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ChasingHope... ssshhh... ur discouraging me lol.. well I think thats part of online dating is that there are lots of ppl to go thru and then of course meet, and usually u will know if u two will see each other more from there but most times its a no.

 

But I have never met anyone online dating site that I actually liked

 

I'm not sure where the idea came from that I met all of these guys on a dating site.....if I implied that, I'm sorry. I met one at a football game this Sunday, and one at a housewarming party; the third came from a dating site (Tinder), and he was actually the one that I had the *most* fun with, but it wasn't that much fun.

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To piggyback off of what laminaperdida said... I do think it's really important to spend time with friendships and yourself. Also, how do you view your interactions when you meet a new guy. The last guy I was seeing, I really approached it as a friendship and it ended up turning into more. A lot of my friends met their boyfriends doing group activities. From the ones that have been with their boyfriends for at least a year... they met doing some shared activity, became friends, hang out as friends, which eventually led to finding the right match... sometimes dating was involved and sometimes it isn't.

 

Anyway, I agree with the advice to not focus on dates so much and just meeting new people either online AND in natural settings. Take the pressure off of viewing a guy as a potential date and maybe just work on learning about the person. Sometimes people surprise us and that's the one thing I hate about online dating... you really only get 1-2 shots of knowing if someone is a potential right fit. For instance, I felt NO CHEMISTRY with my ex after the first couple of dates. None at all. I felt we were friends. He even kissed me and NADA. I kept at it because I made a rule that I would give someone a reasonable chance before ending it and he really, really liked me and we got along great... just not chemistry. I'm not sure what changed, but our second week, we made out for the first time and there it was the chemistry I was searching for and the attraction was powerful. Maybe I'm just a weirdo but sometimes these things aren't instant or logical. Anyway keep positive and stay focused on yourself and eventually you'll meet someone where you both click with each other.

 

And remember it takes time. Meeting the right person and falling in love is so special because it's rare. If it was so easy, it really wouldn't be that big of a deal.

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I think sometimes friendships can turn into dating relationships but I would run as fast as possible from someone you've just met who says "I want friendship first". That either means to me (1) he has a cynical view of dating/relationships as requiring the physical/sexual to happen right away and then crash and burn (of course you can get to know someone in a friendship context while going on dates!) or (2) he's not really interested in having a potential relationship with you (or maybe with anyone). I think it's fine when someone asks you on dates about once a week and perhaps says that it's best to take things a little slower -as long as he's asking you on dates about once a week (or you ask him and he accepts).

If you're already friends with someone then sure it can become more.

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I think sometimes friendships can turn into dating relationships but I would run as fast as possible from someone you've just met who says "I want friendship first". That either means to me (1) he has a cynical view of dating/relationships as requiring the physical/sexual to happen right away and then crash and burn (of course you can get to know someone in a friendship context while going on dates!) or (2) he's not really interested in having a potential relationship with you (or maybe with anyone). I think it's fine when someone asks you on dates about once a week and perhaps says that it's best to take things a little slower -as long as he's asking you on dates about once a week (or you ask him and he accepts).

If you're already friends with someone then sure it can become more.

 

I would usually agree with this, but how old is the OP? For my age group, I meet single guys and it doesn't automatically mean that they are someone I view as dating. For instance, I've made 2 close male friends this past summer, 1 who WAS in a relationship and another who is single. We became friends based on common interests, hung out in group settings, then I invited them both out one on one to just see a movie and we call each other on the phone and chat. There is sexual attraction there, but due to one reason or another (I was getting over a bad breakup when we met, one was in a bad relationship and trying to get out, etc.) our paths went to friendship. Maybe there would be more there but with me leaving the country, it just wont happen.

 

Also I've had many shy guys try to take the friend route as a way to see if i'm interested. Sometimes it's a tactic guys use to avoid painful rejection. Just some other ideas worth discussing.

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I'm 34, so I have dated them all--guys I meet out and about, guys that started off as friends of mine, guys that are friends of friends, etc. It's not a matter of meeting guys....it's a matter of when I am going to meet the right guy. How many guys do I have to go thru until it works out? The last guy I dated, we had fantastic dates, once a week, for two months. But he said the chemistry was off and ended it. So now it's back to the drawing board.

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Although, in general, I agree with the 'friends first' approach, it's not that easy to make male friends after a certain age...and if you do, they're usually married. I have a few male friends..2 of them are married, another one is single but in a long term relationship...and I've known them all for ages. The guys I usually meet in social settings (outings with friends, parties, work events, etc etc) either want to date me or nothing at all.

It was very different when I was in my 20s, for example. Many more single guys around and those guys were much more receptive to the idea of (just) a friendship with a woman (well, girl back then!).

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I'm 34, so I have dated them all--guys I meet out and about, guys that started off as friends of mine, guys that are friends of friends, etc. It's not a matter of meeting guys....it's a matter of when I am going to meet the right guy. How many guys do I have to go thru until it works out? The last guy I dated, we had fantastic dates, once a week, for two months. But he said the chemistry was off and ended it. So now it's back to the drawing board.

 

I met the right person when I became the right person - I met my husband (we got back together after several years apart) right before my 39th birthday. At 34 I was in a long term on again off again relationship and dating like crazy when it was off again.

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