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In need of some insight


AddyM

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Have any of you discovered your partner's affair, and were able to successfully make the relationship work?

If so, what advice and insight would you give someone who was going through the same thing?

 

I'm a young married woman, in my 20's, and my husband recently admitted to the affair that he'd ended months before. It lasted 2-3 months.

Our sex life remained extremely active during that time, but there were a few instances that made it obvious. At the time, I blinded myself to it.

I'd like to make it work, but I'm wondering if it's possible to get over this betrayal.

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I don't have any similar experiences to offer but I just wanted to say I am very sorry that this has happened to you and that I am sending you strong thoughts. I think at the end of the day, you need to decide yourself whether you can forgive him...most people here will take a hard line and say you should leave him because cheating once, especially early on in a marriage is a recipe for disaster...there is just so much risk going forward. But i understand that love plays a role...so it depends a lot on other things going on. Does he treat you good otherwise? What is the nature of this affair? Do you trust him? Do you think he will do it again? Are there kids involved?

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You said, “If so, what advice and insight would you give someone who was going through the same thing?”

- With infidelity, nothing is set in stone but there are patterns.

 

>With emotional infidelity, you have better odds if you take the proper steps.

 

>From my own feelings and time here on ena; Emotional/Sexual infidelity has a much lesser chance of being resolved. (The lies coupled with the mental images are just too much for the left behind spouse to handle.)

 

 

That said,

Did you consider yourself compatible with him and his family?

Did you have a respectable dating period?

Was it a non-trapped marriage?

 

 

I don’t like what I am hearing:

He tells you months after the affair?

 

Why would he do that?

 

Helpful hint:

Get James Dobson’s “Love must be Tough” (Never let him see this book and don’t use a computer he has access to.)

 

Prepare for more pain.

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Have any of you discovered your partner's affair, and were able to successfully make the relationship work?

If so, what advice and insight would you give someone who was going through the same thing?

 

I'm a young married woman, in my 20's, and my husband recently admitted to the affair that he'd ended months before. It lasted 2-3 months.

Our sex life remained extremely active during that time, but there were a few instances that made it obvious. At the time, I blinded myself to it.

I'd like to make it work, but I'm wondering if it's possible to get over this betrayal.

 

I think if you really want to try to make it work, a couple things HAVE to happen.

 

1. You have to be able to truly 100% forgive him. This is where I think most people have the hardest time. Most women have a really hard time in forgetting and forgiving physical infidelity (I don't think I really could either) You have to be able to move beyond it and not hold it over his head. Again, easier said than done. But if you honestly don't believe you can, you need to be honest with yourself about that.

 

2. This is the really painful, but essential one- You need to find out WHY it happened in the first place. I am of the opinion that most infidelity doesn't happen for no reason. The person is not feeling content (whether justified or not) and resorts to an action that they feel will fill the void. IMVHO, infidelity is a symptom of a larger issue- either in the relationship itself, or in the person doing the straying.

If you don't find out why, you won't really resolve anything, and history will repeat itself.

Was he feeling discontented? Bored? Did he want more attention? Did he want to feel more desired? Was he feeling unloved? Did he want to spice things up by was afraid to tell you? Or is he unhappy in some way? Or did he really have feelings for this person?

 

I think both of these things must happen to successfully survive infidelity. Unfortunately, they are both very difficult. Good luck.

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I am in a similar situation, we've been married for almost 5 years; about a year and a half ago is when I found out my husband cheated on me and I decided we'd try and work it out. Since than, he still contacts massage escorts all the time, joined an affair website, had phone sex, gone on dates, etc and I'm still here... my fear for you is that he won't change, just like my husband hasn't. I wish I would've left a year ago when I found out about all the things he'd done since. And all those things I found out on my own, he has NEVER come to me so that's one thing that's different with your husband is that he was actually honest with you. But I'm really starting to believe the saying, "once a cheater, always a cheater..."

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yes it is possible. I have experienced it first hand. It took my girl about 1 year to fully get over it and another break up. All in all it was worth it.

 

It takes a lot of love and forgiveness to reach that point and it is very much dependent on the relationship you had before the infedelity and on your woman. I cant imagine the pain she must have felt.

 

Ultimately I wasnt ready for the healing process. After 6 months of carefully being together again she dumped me because of the infidelity. It took 2 months to be reuninted and for her to let it go on her own. However, during those 2 months apart I started to appreciate single life and when we got back together I blamed her for the months of pain I endured duting the 2 month break up. This is what ultimately broke us up in the end.

 

It takes TOTAL forgiveness and letting go of the past and in most cases thats just not realistic. People can talk about real love blabla and if its meant to be it will be but thats hallmark nonsense. It takes the willingness of 2 people to work for it and to let it go together. I couldnt and thats why we broke up again, this time for good.

 

I dont regret it and it was a valueable experience. I just wish I hadnt hurt the one I loved to learn these lessons.

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To me this is unforgivable. I would never stay with a cheat-ever.

 

If you want to try and make it work he needs counselling and I wouldn't be too quick to forgive. He needs to know this is unacceptable, a huge betrayal and he needs to understand how much he has hurt you.

 

Most cheaters are selfish though and will never understand the extent of the damage they have caused.

 

Also the fact your sex life was so active during that time says to me he felt no guilt!

 

Have you been tested for STD's?

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