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Why am I not over him yet :/


marona

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This is ridiculous, and I feel ridiculou for even having felt anything remotely strong for this guy... Anyway, here goes. I'm 19, he's 17. I'm from DK, he's from NO (Scandinavia) so we were pretty much an ocean apart, and we met through a gaming site... Never ment to fall in love, I only thought w'd be friends, but after getting to know him he just seemed so damn perfect, and had exactly those qualities I found that mostly no guys around me has. He seemed so in love with me. He bought stuff on ebay for me, and games for me though we barely knew eachother. He told me did that because I made him smile, and no one had really made him smile for the longest time... He's the type to mostly sit indoor and not hav too many friends, and mostly never with them as he is sitting home gaming... And not really attending school much because of gaming... But when we started talking we would do so 24/7! We would just it and smile and tell eachother sweet nothings, and we repeatedly told eachother how much our faces hurt while talking because we just kept on smiling and laughing together! It's like the most ridiculous infatuation ever. We would even sleep having eachother on skype and wake up the next day and tell eachothers good morning. We we're naked with eachother on Skype, and he told me all sort of stuff that he wouldn't want any other girl, and he'd come to Denmark for me, even if I only wanted him as a friend he just had to meet me...

 

One thing though, only a couple days after we started getting really flirty he told me stuff like "Wow girls seems to notice me now! How come?" and then showed me how this really beautiful girl had started complimenting him telling him he is cute etc. And he told me not to worry because he'll friendzone her as he only wanted me. At the time I didn't want to believe him. It was all too new, and I barely knew him. Also I didn't want to put his life on a hold... I told him that, but he stood firm. And I told him he should only say so if he REALLY ment it, because it would probably make me invest my heart in him... And unfortunately I did...

 

Later we had a misunderstanding, where I in a convo had said "I guess..." to something, and the convo died off. He would then just not... initiate any new conversation for a whole day, and I felt kinda left out... So when he did, I was polite but quite hesitant in my voice which made our conversation quite awkward. He would ask me if everything was okay and then started saying "Oh god I know when girls do this. This means you're friendzoning me... Aww this always happen to me" and I just replied with "Well uh, uhm..." cause I didn't know what to say, and he turned that into "You know, it's okay. I still really really do like you, and I still want to meet you even if just as friends ^^" and then I told him that I'm not actually friendzoning him, I just felt a little left out because we used to write eachother all the time, and I had felt he didn't initiate and bla bla, and then he explained he felt the same, that he was smothering me, and therefore left me for a bit... We went on like normal, talking everyday, telling eachother how much we wanted to be with eachother etc. like a really infatuated teenage couple. I felt so happy...

 

He gave me some mixed signals in the sense, that he would at one time say he was jealous when I was with another guy, and at another point he (in a context) indirectly stated he would be okay with me having sex with other guys... Huh? Anyway, here comes the weirdest part... We kinda ended having a convo that mixed the initial "I guess..." ending with the mixed signals from him... I felt hurt and decided I wouldn't contact him the following day after that, and if he'd contact me, I'd have a serious discussion with him about it... I couldn't keep myself to that, as everything terrible just came down on me (I got gross kids-diseases, and had a hacker snoop up my password for various things such as Facebook that very day) so I felt a need to talk to him in our usual manner. I initiated a conversation on Skype, telling him about the awful things that happened to me in a joking way and.... No reply.

 

I heard nothing for 2 days, when suddenly he liked my status about the things I told him about personally (that he never replied to), on the gaming site he would the following days only respond in forum threads which was either made by me, or regarding me directly. Even a guy in the thread commented on that. At this point he had not talked to me for at least 4 days, but still engaged in threads about me?? Wth... Anyways, 3 days later I see a status on his FB, from one of his female friends writing how much fun they have, with him and 4 other girls. (One being really good friends with the first girl he talked about that told him he was cute) at this point (I was drunk and hurt) I just decided to cut it away from my life because I couldn't stand the hurt and pain. I blocked him on every instance. Snapchat, steam, skype, Facebook, every. application. That I could possibly think of.

 

Unfortunately I can't help myself from peaking at his gaming profile now and then. Through that I can also see what discussions he participate in, as the block on that site only blocks him from writing to me. Now he only participates very rarely on the forum, and when he does, it's really random and has nothing to do with me, so that's about it...

 

I feel like I was played in a sense, and I feel so so so incredibly dumb, both for falling in love over the internet, and for falling for someone who obviously only pretended all the way through... I haven't talked to him for 3 full weeks soon, and it still pains me to this day. I can't help but feel like I hate him a little, (but myself TREMENDOUSLY more) for all of this... Not caring at all, but having told me he really did... I just don't know what to think...

 

The only thing I know for sure is that I should move on, and I'm trying trust me I am. I'm looking at other guys, meeting new people, spending time with friends, even participating in new hobbies... But he's still there.. lingering... and it hurts... I feel like I need closure, I feel like this is left unfinished... In a sense I wish I could just see him being with that new girl because even though it'd SHATTER my heart, then I'd know it would really be final, right? The confusement, the pain... It's just so overwhelming, and it's soon been a month... What can I do more? How can some jerk I've only been talking to for about a MONTH, yes, we only talked that long, mean so much to me, and make me feel so much heartache? Why did I believe him when he said he cared... I feel so stupid and lost.

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It was an online relationship from start to finish. You're in love with somebody that doesn't exist - he was perfect in every way because you only saw his perfect side - people can do that online. Not that I think it was all fake, but the harsh reality is that he is a 17 year old boy. Teenage boys say things - and may mean it at the time, however, something can come along that is quick to change their mind.

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I know, but it felt so real. Skyping and stuff. We always had video on, so it was almost like he was there right next to me, though I couldn't touch him... But you're right in every aspect. That's the core of infatuation... Liking someone and expecting them to be like in ones fantasy - they don't exist... That's why I hate infatuation. It's so unhealthy and feels like a drug, you just want MORE because it's so addictive and makes you feel so happy while it's there... But once the fantasy is being interrupted... Well, then I guess you'll feel how I feel now... Ugh I wish I could just remove these emotions... I wish I could stop falling in love with any guys altogether... I wish I'd never fall in love ever again, and never had to deal with these emotions ever...

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