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Im not feeling satisfied with our sex life.....interesting trust me!!


artistnomore

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Hey all,

 

Yea I just cant seem to get enough attention from my girl. Caught in an endless loop of letting her know how I feel and just saying nothing. On the one hand if I try to express what is missing or give hints as to what my needs are I either get the defensive response or an awww your sweet. It seems like the more communication I try to have and let her know what I like, she does the opposite. I try so hard to ease into conversations with all positives but in the end she feels hurt that she isnt doing what I want or need. I don't ask for sex, rather I compliment, be the romantic, dirty talk, send the occasional sexy pics. Her responses are all over the place and sometimes flat out random. For example, Ill send a text saying Ive been thinking of your beautiful naked body wrapped around me. Ill get the response of mmmmmmm or oh yeaaaa or something to that effect. Then seconds later another random response like do we need milk? WTH!!!!

 

If I wanted to discuss the grocery list I would have said do we need anything from the store? I mean it is getting to a point where I dont want to try to turn her on anymore for fear I will just be rejected. Our love making has gone from every day to once a month now. Yes there are alot of factors of opportunity that have changed as well so Im not dismissing all the reasons. We dont live together but I am there every night but only to lay down until she falls asleep and then I go home. There are kids involved and we rarely have alone time which I totally understand. Its not only about the sex as I try to explain to her.

 

We have to create the opportunities to engage in intimacy because of living conditions and schedule. The problem is, if I don't make the arrangement or suggest the time and or place I wouldn't even get the once a month. Yes I have discussed this and told her it isnt about the sex, its about you wanting or desiring it from me. I want you to say, I want you, I need to have you, please come over or something that says you desire me. Even if it isnt possible for it to happen or your tired, its the words and actions that are missing.

 

I try to communicate this but she never does initiate the act. Now I will get the text once in a while that she wants to F*** my brains out but its usually a response of me telling her what I want to hear rather than her wanting it. She denies not wanting or desiring me and tries to re-insure me but it seems so scripted. I dont spend the night at her place because of kids and it being not so private and understand that we cant just start ripping our clothes off whenever we want. But I want her to initiate or make the date in a sense.

 

We do occasionally engage in touch and sexual activity without intercourse and it does satisfy the sexual need but again it feels scripted, like its a routine or a chore rather than a desire. She claims to love how I touch her and how wonderful I make her feel but 9 out of 10 times it puts her to sleep rather than arouse. Nothing worse to a guy then foreplay that puts your girl to sleep..jus sayin. Or when you initiate foreplay and get the its late or I'm tired response. Guess what, Im tired too but I want to satisfy both you and me. Dont tell me that I can have you whenever I want and then give the Im tired response when I hold you to it.

 

Kinda gives what you say little credibility when it comes down to it don't ya think? OK so I put in the title it was interesting and Im sorry if I didnt start with that part but here goes. My girl is a writer. Guess what she writes. Uhmmmmm Erotica!!!!!!!! Yes thats right, she writes about sex and sexual fantasy. So its not like she isnt into sex or doesn't like it. It is a secret of hers and of course nobody knows but me and 1 or 2 others for privacy. She cant tell her kids or family about it and keeps it under wraps with an alias.

 

So I ask, what am I doing wrong here? I accept and applaud her secret. I even help with content and ideas for her websites. I always make her feel special and classy. I treat her like a princess. You might think maybe I just su** in bed but I can assure you that's not the case and no I'm not in denial. Alot of guys may think they are when in fact they have no clue but when I say I am it really is so. Another post maybe .

 

Does she possibly get her satisfaction from others commenting on her work? Its like having a chef as a spouse and eating frozen or takeout every night!!!! Really, what is my approach here? Ive just about come to the conclusion that Im just not the guy for her. The only reason I stick it out is because I do love her and that hidden identity of hers does surface on occasion and she lets herself be who she wants and writes about. Can it also be that she is ashamed of this side of her? That she is afraid to express it in real life more often? I have brought all of this up in conversation (pillow talk) and she says yes but then follows it with but I dont feel ashamed with you. That I make her feel good about her naughty side and it is very stimulating. I let her know how sexy and beautiful she is and you can see the ease come over her.

 

I just dont know how to bring out her desires as often as id like. I can tell she wants to but she holds back and like a turtle, retreads into her shell. Anyway if you want to comment or give suggestions, feel free!!

 

Please refrain from being a jerk as it isnt easy to ask total strangers for advice.

 

Thanks

 

ANM

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OK, normal assuming you are not oldsters should be 2 or 3 times a week. And it sounds like you two are just not that compatible in this area. It's a really bad sign if you're not even married and you're having to beg for it. You just may not be well matched.

 

And her writing isn't about actually doing it, it's about romantic fantasy. She just may prefer fantasy to reality. There are just some women who love romance and the idea of romance, but actually having relations with a man? Notsomuch...

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It sounds like maybe writing the erotica is serving as her main outlet for sexual gratification. And sexual fantasy beats out sexual reality about 9 times out of 10 for some people. Do you know what her main sexual fantasy centers around? Any way you could provide that for her? Have you tried just telling her straight up that this isn't working for you and you require more sexual experiences to be fulfilled in a relationship? As in, "We need to talk." A serious conversation, not just pillow talk?

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She claims to love how I touch her and how wonderful I make her feel but 9 out of 10 times it puts her to sleep rather than arouse. Nothing worse to a guy then foreplay that puts your girl to sleep..jus sayin. Or when you initiate foreplay and get the its late or I'm tired response.ANM

There is certainly a lot in what you wrote; but , this above seems pretty significant, don't you think? My wife told me that a long-term boyfriend in her past used to sometimes ask her to give him a bj (without any sexual activity with her before that and with her wearing her clothes and with him laying flat on his back on the bed like he is a king and her his slave or something) and go right to sleep as he came. It definitely bothered her (kind of majorly). I think what you wrote here would be a big deal for me as well. It is something definitely to think about. I think a major question is: "Is she viewing this for mutual pleasure?" You deserve that.

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Sounds like she has a very busy schedule and a lower sex drive then yours at this time. Her focus is scattered in so many directions with children and job while your focus is on creating moments of intimacy with her. It may be that you have a high sex drive that is intensified by the fact that you want to feel and be desired by her...another words bc you don't feel as close to her as you want to be your desire for sex has increased. You want to feel special and how much closer could you get to someone then to make love...plus sex places all of her focus on you which is where you'd like it to be. It's making the most of your time together. Unfortunately now sex for her has become something else she has to do. People often have fantasies that are just that fantasies that are better left to the minds imagination untainted by reality. Anyway, one does wonder if you both are working toward a common goal and if you both are on board with it. My thoughts are that though your question surrounds sex....there is a deeper issue of needing to feel loved,important and wanted in her life. If you were feeling more secure sex would take on a little lesser role. So are you clinging on to something that is no longer there or is there a firm foundation for you to stay?

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I get you are venting here but do you talk to her like this and just constantly harp on at her about sex? Do you try to bring sex into every conversation or text? Women need to feel special and loved in order to want regular sex. Do you flirt with each other? Is there much affection? date nights? Does she orgasm every time?

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Thanks for the input and advice. All of it sounds reasonable and logical. This is why I come here. When one is in the situation it is always wise to seek outside the bubble for reason, options, advice. There is so much more to my story and some of you already know it It is from this forum that I have become a much better person, lover, friend. My post was that of me reaching out and venting rather than assuming the worst. I love this woman and I know she loves me. It has been a roller-coaster due to many obstacles and challenges. We have connected on so many different levels and I just feel that I owe it to myself, her and her family to try even when I don't know how. Some situations I can think logically about and figure it out on my own but others like this, when I am fogged with emotion are much tougher, hence coming here.

 

Its funny because Im the first one to say, relax, give it a break, life throws us challenges and we need to look ahead of them and not get caught up for to long trying to solve every little thing instantly. Its a process and if we understand that some of them are irrelevant in the big picture then we can move forward. I guess I was getting scared that I put so much weight on the sex and forgot about turmoil she has been going through with her kids. I try not to harp on her. Nobody wants to here from their lover how they are not satisfying your needs. No I dont bring sex into everything. I have laid off and let her initiate for now but its tricky.

 

We have talked about it and it was from a book we both read. People perceive love in different ways. We would throw things back and forth (not physical objects hee hee) and ask each other what actions we both perceive as being loved. So we have an idea of each other and can apply that to our relationship.

 

Does she feel special and loved you ask? Well if she doesn't then I am at a loss. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't let her know just how special and loved she is. Not only telling her but with my actions as well. I think I may actually be doing it to much. We do not have date nights and I keep saying we need them but there is a shortage of good babysitters for some reason and we never get to go out. We flirt and are very affectionate with each other. Yes she does orgasm each time and multiple at times. We have discussed that as well and we both know that it would be ok if one of us didn't, that it will happen and not to worry about it.

 

Anyway I come here from time to time to not only vent but to give her a break. We have a break coming up in a cpl weeks that we will have alone time so Ill look forward to that.

 

Thanks

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