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7 years no proposal.. Is it time to shoot through


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Hi y'all. I'm new here so don't bite me please

 

Okay so my little first world problem is that my bf and I have been together for 7 yrs, living together for 4 and he has not proposed. and I don't think he is anywhere close to doing so.

 

I have kind of lost faith in it happening and whenever the M word comes up it's always "I don't think we're there yet, but I can see spending my life with you." Am I being a fool or is this manspeak for "I'm waiting to see if anything better comes up"??

 

I love him dearly and he loves me, we aren't without our issues but we mostly have a lot of fun, enjoy each other's company and love one another on a deep level.

 

But something is just not quite right and I have never had that feeling like I'm the only one for him in his eyes and that he's excited and passionate about building a future together.

 

Thank y'all for listening and any advice you might be able to offer, I need all the help I can get!

 

Is it time to get outta dodge? X

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I guess it depends how important marriage is to you.

 

If you have a good solid relationship and you can live without marriage then that's great.

 

If marriage is important to you then I think that after 7 years he should know if he wants to marry you or not. If he didn't believe in marriage full stop that is fair enough. However if he keeps saying 'We're not there yet' It just sounds like he's putting it off. I mean...when will you be there? After 7 years together you should be pretty sure if you wanna be with that person forever or not.

 

If you feel like he's just with you because it's 'easy' and he's used to being with you. Then I would leave. I wouldn't want to be with someone who acted like they had 'settled for me'

 

What gives you the feeling that your not the only one for him?

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I think that you need to mention more information:

 

How old are you and how old is he? I for one would answer quite differently based on whether you two are 22 or 30. Are you two financially stable and able to support a family? Why does he feel that you are not there yet?

 

Having said that, you should pay attention to your gut instincts. In the very least, for some reason, you do not trust him and that is a very valid reason to question any relationship.

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But something is just not quite right and I have never had that feeling like I'm the only one for him in his eyes and that he's excited and passionate about building a future together.

 

Honor your feelings and know what you want. You set the bar, he needs to meet you where you want to be, to continue as your partner.

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Well...

 

You could Propose. And if he says no or wallows, leave...

 

Or just leave.

 

You could of course stick with this, as it is, if this is a comfortable place for both of you, and your reasons for being married are fulfilled by just being together. If something doesn't feel right, though, It's high time to figure out exactly why they don't feel right.

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Thanks for your reply it's great to hear another perspective.

 

Marriage is important to me, I value knowing that he is committed and wants to build a future together. He believes in marriage but always seems to project it into some far off time in the future.

 

I guess I feel maybe I'm not the one for him b/c I don't feel like he is really passionate and excited for our future together

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there are many posts about this problem on this board... i personally advocate never living with someone unless you are engaged and have a wedding date planned somewhere in the near future, because you've essentially given him all the perks of marriage by moving in with him (splitting the bills, regular sex, a home), without him having to sign up for the deeper commitment and legal obligations of marriage. And many men who don't want children until much later will use postponing marriage as the the stopgap that he knows will stop you from getting pregnant if you want marriage and kids and in that order. He knows the pressure will ratchet up to have kids once you marry and if he doesn't want them at all, or not until much much later, he will stall on the marriage to avoid them.

 

So he's got all the perks he wants, and sees no virtue/benefit to marrying, only the downside. And if he is not 100% sure he does want to stay with one person and be monogamous for life, then he won't marry you because he is leaving his options open. Or he may still be looking for his 'dream' girl (that supermodel with the Ferrari) that he just knows he might meet someday and doesn't want to miss out on because he is married (yah, some people are that unrealistic).

 

If marriage and kids are important to you, he should know after 7 years whether he wants to marry you or not, and it is a ridiculously long time to wait before marriage unless you met in high school. If you are in your mid-20s or beyond and still living together after 7 years, it is time to marry, or for you to leave and start looking for someone whose goal is marriage.

 

So you sit him down and tell him that 7 years is long enough, and you want to get engaged now and married within a year at most. If he says no, then you tell him that he has had more than enough time to choose you to be his wife and marry, and you need someone who does love you and want you enough to marry you, and if he doesn't, then it is time to let go and move on. His words that he loves you 'enough' and will do in 'sometime' are meaningless after 7 years, and it is the actions that count and prove his true desires/motivation, and his actions are showing he doesn't want marriage to you, so time to acknowledge that and let go and move on.

 

Then you immediately make plans to move out and get your own place. No argument is strong enough to keep you hanging around waiting other than an engagement and a planned wedding date, and if he doesn't do that, then he basically either doesn't want marriage ever (with anybody) or he wants to leave his option open to walk away without the legal/financial hassle of divorce.

 

Sometimes if you do walk away and make him realize what his life will be without you, if he really did intend to eventually marry you, he'll sober up and quit stringing you along and will agree to marry you. If he doesn't, then he never intended to marry you to begin with. And when you leave, it MUST be for no contact, where you tell him that once you have moved out, it is over and you will not talk to him at all unless he changes his mind and agrees to marry. No 'staying friends' or staying in contact, because he could just use that period of time to wean himself off you while looking for a new live in partner. So he has to go cold turkey off you and feel exactly what it means to lose you, and know that you will mean business and find someone new if he chooses to not marry you.

 

btw, don't settle for just an engagement. There has to be a wedding date planned within the next year, or he could stall another 7 years with excuses why he won't set the date. It is engagement AND married within a year, or no dice.

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It is better to live with someone for four years unmarried, and break up, than it is to marry someone so that you can live under one roof and then divorce after four years once you realize it just doesn't work.

 

People like to point to the statistics about how many people who co-habitate end up break up without getting married versus those who don't cohabitate and then get married. As I look at it, every relationship that ends before marriage is one less divorce.

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Age/circumstances matter a lot but assuming you are past your mid twenties I would say it is normal to expect to be married after seven years dating (my married friends have married after anywhere from 1.5 years if dating and over and while that is not some kind of standard I think it is reasonable). I don't have great advice. Walking away is so hard but may be necessary here if marriage is important to you. I hate to say this but I think there are many who are willing to marry someone they truly want to be with for the long haul even if they have previously been against the general concept. I know so many people who "changed their minds" about never wanting to get married when they met "the one".

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He's comfortable right where he is and you aren't. It's time for "the talk" and to tell him it's go time, what you want now, and if that isn't going to happen on your schedule then he can pack his bags and go. Or you pack your bags and go. Seven years is plenty of time to decide you want to spend the rest of your life with someone and honestly it sounds like you don't really feel that way about him either. It's gotten cozy in his little world, he doesn't want to rock it, but he also wants to leave the door open in case someone else walks in that isn't you. So yeah, it's time end it now before you waste another seven years if what you want is marriage and a family.

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I wouldn't give him an ultimatum. That is recipe for divorce. If hes not ready to get married then don't marry him.

 

Ask him about your concerns? Tell him you feel he is using you as a for now girl and you fear he will leave as soon as something better comes along. Gauge his reaction. If he says that is not true then ask him why does he not want to marry you after 7 years if that is not the case?

 

Ask him what is he waiting for if hes so sure you are his future? If he can't give you answers or if they are vague then tell him you think its time to go your separate ways as hes not on the same page as you.

 

But if you break up over this and he comes back and proposes-then I wouldn't go marry him. If he needs to lose you in order to propose then he is doing it for the wrong reasons and I would tell him it is too late for that now

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There are indeed quite some threads about this subject. And what I don’t understand, why do women put their own luck in the hands of a man and wait for a proposal? Can you not decide together to get married or you ask him?

 

Perhaps you first need to find out why marriage is so important for you and think about a time line. Sit down with him and have a serious conversation together and bring up your points. If he clearly says no or if he talks about getting married far away in the future and nowhere near your time line, it’s time to split up and go your own way.

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The question you need to ask yourself is, " Can I continue to live happily as things are or do I believe "marriage" is essential to my future happiness?"

 

Many couples live together long-term and are perfectly happy. However, some people need that extra level of legal rights, commitment assurance, just being "official", etc. I don't believe there is any right or wrong here. But I do believe that both people need to be on the same page about it. And it sounds like you might not be.

 

A talk is in order. After answering the above question for your own peace of mind. You need to ask him what he sees as your future together.

 

For whatever reason, he doesn't see marrying you as a priority. Either because he doesn't care about the institution of marriage itself or he's apprehensive about marrying you specifically. You need to find out which one it is, but be wary, you may not like the answer.

 

If you don't like the answer you get, you need to repeat the same question to yourself- " Should I stay with a man I love but who might never marry me or do I leave the relationship and find someone who share my values regarding the institution of marriage."

 

Good luck!

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