My boyfriend can't get over my past and he's considering breaking up

[squidneeeyz]

Please, I need help with this. In the beginning of my relationship I made the treacherous mistake of telling my boyfriend about me giving oral to another guy, as I took it not very seriously and told him lots of details, it really got to him.

 

It's been four months now and he still thinks about it. It gets to him and the cycle will never stop. He tried to do research and such but it just hasn't helped. Today he told me there's a chance it could go away with no other choice, but to break up with me. it is an almost OCD sort of problem. I would say it might be retroactive jealousy, though he doesn't feel jealous. The thoughts can't go away, and like I said, he has tried. Now he's just starting to think he'll stop thinking these things by leaving me, which he has said over and over he knows he will just want to be back with me so I don't really know.

 

We love each other. We do. I've lost my virginity to him and he has literally changed my world for the better. He feels the same, and he also lost his virginity to me. His sexual experience with other girls has happened, but not in recent years and he has not experienced oral until he was with me.

 

I don't want this to end on a note like this. We both still have strong, strong feelings for each other and we will only break up so he may have a chance to remove those thoughts in his head. But it'll really wreck me. I probably sound all emotional, but I love this guy. I want him to get better, but does it really have to end in order for him to stop the thought process? He seems he can't take it no more. I'm not giving up. I'm going to give him the best of my advice from you guys and deeper research. I just hope he makes the effort and not be impatient.

[agent1607307371]

He needs to try harder then. This is a problem that will follow him through out every relationship he ever has - unless he is magically able to only date inexperienced virgins.

 

And this is a good lesson about being more circumspect about what you share and who with.

[patterned]

There's not a lot you can do about this, it's his problem, not yours.

[lerenard]

Sharing something like this with your BF can get you in trouble, but breaking up because you have past is just immature. I understand that you were both virgins before each other, but come on. If he cant deal with the fact that you LIVED before meeting him - he will be a pain in the as* forever, I am sorry.

If he loves you as much as he claims to - he will make peace with your past and concentrate on your present and future together. If not - leave this relationship, you can`t punish yourself for the fact that you gave oral to somebody by staying in a relationship like that. I am SURE he has something in his past he isn't too proud of. It may not be something sexual, but still. No one is perfect.

 

Also - don't rush it with Iloveyou`s and stuff, as I see it you have been together for less then a year right? Less then a half of year even? If he feels so comfortable about breaking up with you because you had a life before meeting him - he should go and date virgins, and best if he asks them directly if they had any sexual actions with anybody, or if they kissed someone before him.

[squidneeeyz]

It's been seven months since we've been dating.

 

It isn't something he wants to go through, I can say that easily. He doesn't talk about it to anyone else because it's embarrassing to him. He knows it's ridiculous and it's a daily thing. I know there's some mental problem going on with it, especially since he doesn't want to have these issues.

 

Simply, he feels he has tried every way to do something about it and finds no other point but to end it. He wants to think about it with me, and he literally can't stand the thoughts anymore that he considers this. Either getting over it or breaking up.

 

I know it's ridiculous, but I want to at least show him I care only of him and give him the most advice I can. Sure I sound kind immaturely emotional, but I'm just not ready to end a relationship over this.

[greywolf]

He needs to get over it, otherwise, breaking up is a good idea. You don't have to put up with this.

[dali]

Sorry he a loser. Dump him, how can you love someone who judges you like that? He sounds like a shallow , needy boy throwing a tantrum. He won't get over it, but you will get over him in time and find someone better

[lerenard]

You may not be ready to dump him - but he is ready to do that, because he cant get over the fact that his NOW GF, whose virginity he took away, gave a blow job to somebody before he even knew she exists. That is stupid, I am sorry.

And he tried nothing. He doesn't want to. He only tried to bug you as much as he can so you feel guilty for something you did, and it wasn't even something criminal, illegal or else. People have blow-jobs, what is the big deal? He uses it against you now, and you are ready to put up with it as you did for the last half a year. Girl, be over him already. You deserve a decent man who wont hate you for having sexual life or any life before him.

What you need to understand is that he want to break up with you already. He made his choice - you had sexual past-he can`t forget it-he wants to dump you because of it, and there is nothing you can do about it, but be happy, because a guy like that is not a good relationship material. FORGIVING is not the word here, there is nothing he needs to forgive you. You did nothing wrong. Well, maybe you did by telling him, since he can`t get over it.

[top bloke]

His dilemma is that if you give blow jobs not seriously then perhaps he is worried that you do not take yourself seriously. Still you gave each other your virginity so he still moved forward in the relationship. He is the one with the issues.

You need to take yourself more seriously and respect yourself more if you want a decent man to respect you

[annie24]

I think you should dump him. You don't need to be "sex"-shamed like this.

[squidneeeyz]

He has tried to move on, and there's plenty of factors of things that really shouldn't cause a breakup. Over than this issue, we've generally have had a lot of happy moments and we're happy. This issue just has been overbearing and he doesn't really know what solutions can help. I understand moving on seems like the best situation, but it's hard because it isn't in his character like this, just the situation that he can't get over it. He never brings it up to anyone and it's been causing him times where recently he depends on substances to make the thoughts go away.

 

All for a blow job? Yes. But does he continue to make a big deal over it onto me? No. It's just in his mind constantly and that's what I want to try and figure out how to help that. Because at the moment, I'm not leaving him for a stupid issue.

[Tanzi]

Maybe he wanted to be your first everything. If so and he can't accept that you weren't "pure" enough for him then he needs to grow up and you need to find a more mature boyfriend.

[annie24]

I know it's stupid but if he can't move past it, then don't waste your time with him. There was a poster on here who wrote about his gf of 6 years... And he was never able to get past the fact that she had sex before she met him. 6 years!!!!!! Seriously, if he doesn't move on, forget him.

[Tanzi]

I'm not leaving him for a stupid issue.

 

No but he might leave you … and all over a matter that is all in his head. If he is prepared to let you go over something that is kinda normal in most relationships then is he really worth it? Depending on your ages it is likely that any girl he meets hereafter may have a sexual history of sorts.

 

I'm not sure what you can do,. He just needs to accept that the past is the past and that most people have a sexual history. The future is what is important but if he can't see or accept that then I'm not sure he is emotional mature enough to be in a relationship.

[lerenard]

He is not leaving you because you cheated, lied, betrayed him or something else. He wants to dump you because he is too childish to wrap his head around the fact that his wasn't the first in your mouth, sorry for being so straight forward.

He sees your face - he thinks "there was someone before me putting his thing in her mouth", and there is nothing you can do about it. He needs to grow up, and you need to stop wasting your life with him and feeling guilty.

[squidneeeyz]

He just wants to stop suffering. But he doesn't want to leave me. He does think of the future, I mean like I said, we do look forward to a lot and we are generally really happy together. It's just this always cross his mind and he never likes talking about it but it's obvious how much it stresses him out.

 

As for now he doesn't want to break up, but he is going to think about it and try to make things work. Believe me, he's been trying. I just hope he's able to move on from it and figure out that it really shouldn't be a big deal. So I guess I'll see, as for now I'll just try and stand clear on my thoughts and feelings.

[lerenard]

Too much "trying to move on" for something that was done way before you even met. If he can`t forget it in 6 months - he wasn't trying and I doubt it this time "trying" will be successful. Do you want to spend some more months waiting till he dumps you because he will see that oh no, he can`t get over it? Good luck, anyhow.

[squidneeeyz]

That's why I'm giving him his last chances.

[Tanzi]

He just wants to stop suffering. But he doesn't want to leave me. He does think of the future, I mean like I said, we do look forward to a lot and we are generally really happy together. It's just this always cross his mind and he never likes talking about it but it's obvious how much it stresses him out.

 

As for now he doesn't want to break up, but he is going to think about it and try to make things work. Believe me, he's been trying. I just hope he's able to move on from it and figure out that it really shouldn't be a big deal. So I guess I'll see, as for now I'll just try and stand clear on my thoughts and feelings.

 

If you had cheated on him or lied to him then his "suffering" would be understandable but he is "suffering" over something that has nothing to do with him and happened before you knew him and on a matter that he may have to deal with and accept if he were to meet someone else.

 

He is the one stressing himself out … but also you in the process. Maybe it is because I am most likely a lot older than you but this kind of behaviour would be a red flag to me. I'm not usually one to throw out a diagnosis but I would, in these circumstances, wonder whether he had "control" or "co-dependency" issues because I believe the reason he can't cope is because he can't control what happened in your past.

[amipushy]

Maybe its time you stopped walking on eggshells and told him exactly how his shaming of you for doing what most people do in previous relationships makes you feel, and how difficult it is to look at him knowing that he thinks of you as some kind of . and how damaging this is to your self esteem and how this is affecting the intimacy between you.

[agent1607307371]

He's suffering because he enjoys it and no other reason. You didn't do it while you were with him, you didn't do it in front of him, he's never been sent pics of it, the recipient hasn't got in contact with him to brag about it. He's suffering because he's chosing to.

 

Your past has nothing to do with him. It's not acceptable for him to try and make you feel bad about it, or as though you're the cause of some suffering for him.

[lavenderdove]

You know what I'd say to him? 'You don't think I'm good enough for you because of this? Well, then let's not mess around, I'm gone. And good luck finding your perfect virginal bride because there is an extremely small chance you'll ever find a girl over the age of 16 who hasn't had some kind of a sexual encounter. You really need to get over yourself, and I need to find a guy who really loves me and isn't all about his own ego and sexual hang-ups.'

 

Then you walk. He'll either snap out of it, or he won't, and if he won't, then he's a narrow minded jerk and you don't want to be with him.

[squidneeeyz]

Honestly thanks guys. It's been straight forward and truthful. I really haven't been on the point with him at being harsh on it because it's hard to respond to something that little affecting over a series of months.

 

I'll give him my last pieces of help and in the end, it's up to him. It'll be hard as hell to drop a relationship this long and big to me for something this little, but I'm done feeling like about this.

[s4mw08]

This is absolutely ridiculous! What are you doing still going out with this guy?!

 

So you gave a blowjob to some dude before you met him? SO WHAT?!

 

I can't make out whether your boyfriend is being horrendously judgmental or insanely possessive and insecure or both but you don't want any of those characteristics in a boyfriend. He needs to grow up. Big time.

 

Meeting some beautiful, lovely woman who's also virgin is not uncommon fantasy for us guys to have but it's just that, a fantasy. He has no right to expect you to live up to this fantasy and is way out of line giving you a hard time about this.

 

Dump him and leave him to "suffer" by himself, the dude is a loser.

[Kendahke]

His dilemma is that if you give blow jobs not seriously then perhaps he is worried that you do not take yourself seriously. Still you gave each other your virginity so he still moved forward in the relationship. He is the one with the issues.

You need to take yourself more seriously and respect yourself more if you want a decent man to respect you

 

What's up with the ess-ell-you-tee shaming? That's a load of bs.

 

She was free to do whatever she wanted to do before getting this insecure nitwit. Blow jobs aren't serious! No more serious than jerking off.

 

Giving a guy a blowjob has nothing to do with respecting oneself and this guy isn't decent if he isn't mature enough to figure out that she was entitled to live her life the way she saw fit BEFORE he ever came into it. It's childish and stupid for him to twist himself up over something that had nothing to do with him. So what you're saying is that if a guy goes down on a girl, then no decent woman is going to want him, either. Rubbish! What a moralistic judgment to make when you don't know all of the facts.