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outofanswers

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Hi,

 

I have been married for 4 years now, and together with my wife for 6. We have 2 kids together.

I have always had a higher sex drive than her (2-3 times a week for me), and this has always been a constant challenge in our relationship, as she only wants to make love every 2 weeks or so.

We have had many fights about it, and finally during the most recent one, she told me she feels constant pressure due to how i was when we first got together.

As a man its hard for me to understand how you could not want it? Its the closest you can be to someone, and it always finishes with a big O!

 

I have always asked her to look into increasing her sex drive, as i have been to the doctors and there is nothing I can do to lower mine. I was advised during the last argument that "she didn't want to change".

I have always felt that over the last few years sex is just a means to an end with her, and I feel like there is just no passion or spontaneous love in our relationship

 

I know ladies use there mind for sex also, but there always seems to be "something" that is causing an issue.

 

Help please, im all out of ideas!

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Hi, welcome to enotalone.com!

 

I'm not so experienced with this kind of things, but you should try and take her for romantic dinner once in a while or bring her flowers sometimes, it may help to renew your passions.

 

Maybe lately she's stressed out or something like that? Her sex drive has been like that for six years straight?

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Hi, welcome to enotalone.com!

 

I'm not so experienced with this kind of things, but you should try and take her for romantic dinner once in a while or bring her flowers sometimes, it may help to renew your passions.

 

Maybe lately she's stressed out or something like that? Her sex drive has been like that for six years straight?

 

I try to take her out when ever I can. Along with flowers, suprises and alike.

Her sex drive has never been like mine, but after our daughter was born it seems to have disappeared. We have been through a stage of me not approaching her about it, and that was a 6 week stint with no intercourse.

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How old are your kids? Many women are exhausted from taking care of little ones, emotionally, mentally, physically and it can really put a damper on their sex drive. Mine went in the dumps for about 5 or 6 years while my kids were babies through preschoolers. I was just wiped out on so many levels and sex didn't appeal to me. I'm back to wanting it almost every day like I did before kids. Imagine having a couple of people plastered to you all day, I felt like I just wanted space alone. I know it's not the same as affection from a partner but it's still constant contact and I felt like I just needed my personal space any time I got the chance. Perhaps as your children get older she'll become more interested again.

 

In the meantime...make sure she has time for herself, time to relax and be away from the children. Taking her out is great, maybe also help w/ housework and such. It'll give her time to recharge her batteries and that may help w/ the sex drive. I know talking about this type of thing is important but putting pressure on her will probably backfire.

 

Is she taking any meds? Some medications can also lower sex drive. If so, that's something she can discuss w/ her doctor. Best of luck! I hope this gets better for you.

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I can understand being tired raising children however I don't feel thats a reason to neglect your sexual life and to make your husband feel unwanted.

 

What's the harm in compromise like make an effort to do it at least once a week, maybe twice. Its hard to keep the romance alive without sex and the odd date night.

 

My husband and I have a one year old and I'm pregnant and we still fit in sex around full time jobs around 4 times a week.

 

I think you need to maybe seek marriage counselling? See what can be done. Generally though mismatching sex drives is a problem that never goes away. She isn't wrong for wanting it once every now and then and your not wrong for wanting it more.

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You need her to go to marriage counseling with you... She's already made the decision that she is going to do what SHE wants, and is guessing you won't divorce her if she refuses to compromise with you. But she SHOULD compromise with you because frankly she is putting you in a position where she it telling you she doesn't care what your needs/desires are, she doesn't intend to compromise. So that's selfish of her. It is guaranteed that you can find time once or twice a week for lovemaking, and it is very important for bonding between a couple.

 

A marriage counselor will straighten her out on this... And your wife has to know how seriously unhappy you are, and going to a marriage counselor lets her know that. If it's only once every couple weeks now, in a few years it may well be never, so you need to get to the bottom of this. If she tells the counselor she has no libido, then that means she needs to see a medical doctor to get evaluated, or she needs some kind of counseling to address why she is sexually inhibited.

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She doesnt feel sexy, she feels like a wife and a mother and is weighed down by all that entails.

 

When you feel pressured into sex, you start feeling like a sex object, like there is yet another someone who wants something from you, when all you want it is to be held and to feel the reassuring loving arms of the man you love without the continous feeling (dread) that hands are going to wander down and that the intimate cuddling is going to lead to sex (its doesnt matter if that really happens, but it is likely that its how she feels). You just want to be loved and cared for for the person you are at that time, in that moment.

 

Yes its unfair because you love her and want to show her how much you love her by expressing your love through sex but for now, give her the space she needs and drop the sex arguments, they clearly make her even more resistant and you even more resentful. Tell her that you didnt realise how she felt and that you will take the pressure off and give her some loving without sex. Or this will continue to breed resentment in both of you.

 

I say that as a woman who once felt like that when I was working all day and my children were small and now has the sex drive of a rampant rabbit!

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How old are your kids? Many women are exhausted from taking care of little ones, emotionally, mentally, physically and it can really put a damper on their sex drive.

 

Maybe investing in some help around the house would help. A cleaner once a week. A regular babysitter for date night. Could be the best money you ever spent. Take the load off of her shoulders and she can have time to be your partner instead of mother/householder runner 100% of the time.

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I am all for equality and women working but a common problem is working mums still do the bulk of the housework and childcare so its like having 3 full time jobs.

 

I know when men come home, they just want to sit down for an hour, have coffee, unwind etc but if your doing that every day while she is running around like a blue a**ed fly-cooking, cleaning and looking after 2 babies. She will start to resent you

 

Many women go off sex when they are a) angry at their husband or b) feel like nothing but a wife and mother

 

Put yourself in her shoes and try to understand WHY she lacks interest in sex. Then you may be able to fix it

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I don't know if this is helpful or not in your case, but perhaps if you already are not doing this, kind of setting a routine day that is all hers where she can get in the car and go and do whatever she wants and you take care of the kids. My wife likes to drive down to NY City (about a 4 hr drive from our house) for a Saturday and Sunday to spend shopping and just enjoying her own company in the city. I take care of the 3 kids. She likes to do that more than us all going because it is 100% time to herself and she likes that break from the normal schedule so to speak. When she returns, she is always really refreshed and energized, etc. (I know some people could ponder whether there is someone she would see there but it is not the case. Zero percent chance.) Anyway, time to herself may really go a long way here.

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Maybe get a takeaway once a week so she doesn't have to cook and you offer to cook another night even if its just something simple like pasta or stir fry.. (only takes 15minutes)

 

do little things to help like set the table, stack the dishwasher after dinner, hang up the laundry occasionally and put the kids to bed together or take turns every second night.

 

Buy a few good films-romance films like titanic, the notebook, ps I love you etc and watch one or two a week together when the kids are in bed. Cuddle on the couch and get some sweets

 

make her hot chocolate sometimes-I love it when my bf does that

 

Offer to run her a bath and get her a glass of wine if she seems burnt out.

 

Try to flirt with her. Hug her for no reason, make her laugh, tell her you love her, tickle her or tell her she looks great regularly. Compliment her ass in her jeans. Make her feel sexy

 

Intimacy starts outside the bedroom and sex is in the brain so make her feel special and do little things to make her less stressed/tired and you will hopefully see an improvement

 

Its also important that you talk. Does she confide in you? Lean on you for emotional support?

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Some people just don't have that high a sex drive as the other person and thats just that. However, a lot of women need to be seduced everyday through someone taking a bit of TLC towards them, so maybe without ANY expectations of sex, run her a bath or cook her a lovely meal, or pour her a nice glass of wine on a night just to take the edge off of the day going to work or running after the children.

 

Why not start back to how it did in the start of your relationship? Start by just cuddling and kissing more often and eventually when it feels right you will both probably want to take things further and you could get back into the swing of things in your sex life. I also recommend a sex toy such as a bullet from Ann Summers, if a women finds it hard to climax through sex it certainly helps a lot!

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