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I am somewhat of a masochist. I love being treated roughly and tied up by someone, feeling helpless. My boyfriend and I do it occasionally, but I would love to do more.

 

I would love advice on how to get him to want to do more. I would love rougher play, like spanking/whipping or actual rope tying, or more daring feats like going outside almost naked. I think he would enjoy things like that as well, but he is not a very rough person. He can be, but he is very loving and considerate and sometimes I think he thinks he is hurting me when I quite enjoy the pain.

 

I am already planning on discussing these things with him, but my bigger concern is losing weight first. My SO is not very strong, and being overweight doesn't help him. I plan to lose at least 30lbs before asking for more things like this, but I do want some more idea on how to approach him with this when I am ready.

 

Thanks!

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Read separately. Discuss afterwards. Or read together & discuss as you go along. Great starting point, even though it's (geez) nearly 20 years since it was published.

 

There's plenty of other books on the topic as well as social groups that meet up on a regular basis.

 

I don't get the "wait til I lose 30 lbs before asking," mindset. That's telling yourself that this current version of you doesn't deserve to experience what you'd like to experience. Shaming and deprivation have never been and will never be great long-term motivators. Most of the people I have met at BDSM functions and gatherings don't look like bondage models. Their ages have ranged from mid-30s to 50 or 60 plus and sizes ranged from average to super plus. Perhaps we've had to modify things to deal with the realities of aging joints and muscles or a big belly, but it certainly hasn't had to prevent willing people from partaking in these types of activities.

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Well, I of course don't know his mind-set or preferences and thus can only suggest from my own perspective. I am one who most certainly loves adventure in the bedroom and ways to keep things interesting etc. (My wife does not which is frustrating inside. I would jump for joy inside if she said she wanted to do interesting things like that with me.) So maybe I can relate on some level to you but from the male perspective. If he does have any similar interest as I described, liking to some adventure, then just tell him in the heat of the moment or right before you are going to start, etc. directly. In other words, as opposied to a "serious" sit-down careful discussion, etc. approach, get him revved up and excited and tell him point-blank what you want. And don't worry about your waistline, etc. for this. But, like I said people are different and thus he may be different.

shes2smart's suggested book also looks interesting. Looking at that together in the heat of the moment may also help get him rolling that way.

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Thank you guys. I am quite content at the moment with sex, but I love that thrill of bondage. I think I will discuss it with him, especially the spanking. He has told me before that it hurts his hand to spank me, which is why I was thinking of whipping as well.

 

Another issue I have is that he has bought maybe two "toys" our entire relationship. I have spent a lot of money on lingerie and toys for myself and us. I would like for him to get some things as well. Is there a way to get this to happen? He has told me that he is afraid someone would be able to tell what was being sent, but I did remind him that he could send it my address. Still nothing. Maybe I just want to be pampered, not sure.

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He has told me before that it hurts his hand ... he is afraid someone would be able to tell what was being sent....

It would be hypothetically best for another guy to tell him he is being a pu*s*y. What the heck?? My intention with this comment is not to say negative things about your loved one, but jeez, he needs someone (male!) to slap him in the right direction (figuatively speaking)! Hurt his hand??? Afraid??? Is there someway to get him to think about being a bit more of a masculine man in the bedroom? (Again, I am not suggesting negative things about your loved one; but I think he needs to be more of a man here -- sorry.)

Show him this post! (Copy and paste it.)

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You sound incompatible. Some people appreciate sex, others are not satisfied with that and need to add toys and games. Nothing wrong with either but if both are 't into it, one of them will have to fake it which isn't even possible or even desirable for all people. He doesn't want to spank you - that's pretty clear. It doesn't hurt his hand, he just doesn't enjoy this and doesn't want to do it and is grasping for straws trying to get out of it because I think he also knows you're incompatible and this would just be a band aid fix anyway that would never last.

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Thank you guys. I am quite content at the moment with sex, but I love that thrill of bondage. I think I will discuss it with him, especially the spanking. He has told me before that it hurts his hand to spank me, which is why I was thinking of whipping as well.

 

Another issue I have is that he has bought maybe two "toys" our entire relationship. I have spent a lot of money on lingerie and toys for myself and us. I would like for him to get some things as well. Is there a way to get this to happen? He has told me that he is afraid someone would be able to tell what was being sent, but I did remind him that he could send it my address. Still nothing. Maybe I just want to be pampered, not sure.

 

There is an entire community of people who are on the same wavelength as you in regards to your interest in bondage and other kinky activities. If he's not into it, he's not real likely to change.

 

If you end up deciding you are not compatible (as has been suggested by a few other replies), you may want to consider narrowing the scope of future dating to those people who already identify as being kinky. It's certainly a lot easier than trying to "convert" someone who's not interested and/or whose first reaction would be "you want me to do what to your what?!?!"

 

If you live in or near any medium size or larger town in the US, I'd be very surprised if there wasn't an active kink community there right now. It's really just a matter of finding them...a few Google searches are likely to get you pointed in the right direction. I'm not currently active in my local kink community, but I was for a number of years and learned and experienced a lot of stuff through those groups.

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I think You and Poster #5 sound sexually incompatible with your current partners. I think you should dump your persepective partners and check each other out . . .

J/K

LOL. That was funny. Kind of made my moment considering that I was just this moment feeling a bit down. Cheers.

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I would love advice on how to get him to want to do more.

 

I don't know what to suggest here..because in many ways people are how they are. Some have the darkness and kink in them and just need someone to spark it. I think if you have it you just know even if you haven't practiced it. Others maybe need to be introduced and by doing it for someone they love they might learn to like it too. Does it work that way? I am not sure. I have been seeing this guy on/off and asked him to be a bit rougher and he does it but he says his comfort zone is challenged. I don't know if that's good or bad. I don't think though that he will ever surprise me with a wild move but might be ok trying out something I may want. It would be great to have someone as willing wouldn't it.

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It would be hypothetically best for another guy to tell him he is being a pu*s*y. What the heck?? My intention with this comment is not to say negative things about your loved one, but jeez, he needs someone (male!) to slap him in the right direction (figuatively speaking)! Hurt his hand??? Afraid??? Is there someway to get him to think about being a bit more of a masculine man in the bedroom? (Again, I am not suggesting negative things about your loved one; but I think he needs to be more of a man here -- sorry.)

Show him this post! (Copy and paste it.)

 

Haha, for real. It "hurts" his hand? Man up! Your the one getting "punished" here, not him!

 

I consider myself to be a Hershey's cookies and cream chocolate bar, I'm mostly vanilla, but sometimes I like to get down and dirty. I don't do the hard core S&M stuff, but I like some light bondage and pain. I think a lot of people assume it goes one way or another, you are really REALLY into it, or you don't like it. It doesn't have to be that way, it can be a mix of both!

 

But, if he doesn't want to hurt his hand spanking you, you probably won't get very far with him in this respect

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OP, some guys might not be into it at first, but with a little encouragement can learn to enjoy it once awhile. Your boyfriend does not sound like one or those guys.

 

Imagine if he wanted you to dominate him more and it was just not something you are into. How well would you deal with that?

 

Sent from my MB855 using Tapatalk 2

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Just a personal story. But when I was first asked to spank and choke a girl I was very uncomfortable with it. It didn't sit right with my personality but slowly I came out of my shadow. Then I let go of the notion that women are delicate flowers to be treated with ultra care and ran with it. Now I'm hooked on roughness, slapping, choking etc. In moderation off course. Now it's more like let the good times roll instead of feeling uncomfortable!

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Just a personal story. But when I was first asked to spank and choke a girl I was very uncomfortable with it. It didn't sit right with my personality but slowly I came out of my shadow. Then I let go of the notion that women are delicate flowers to be treated with ultra care and ran with it. Now I'm hooked on roughness, slapping, choking etc. In moderation off course. Now it's more like let the good times roll instead of feeling uncomfortable!

 

This actually gives me hope...my new bf has never had any experiences with bondage or s&m and I was pretty heavily involved in it with my last relationship.

 

I tied him up last night...and he seemed nervous. He said he liked it...he just needed to get used to it. All our other sex is phenomenal, so I'm really hoping that if I introduce him to s&m slowly, he'll get excited about it. He feels like you did...he feels like he's supposed to caress me, protect me, pleasure me and never hurt me...I want him to let loose...hopefully with time

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Just a personal story. But when I was first asked to spank and choke a girl I was very uncomfortable with it. It didn't sit right with my personality but slowly I came out of my shadow. Then I let go of the notion that women are delicate flowers to be treated with ultra care and ran with it. Now I'm hooked on roughness, slapping, choking etc. In moderation off course. Now it's more like let the good times roll instead of feeling uncomfortable!

And your partner(s) are all cool with that? (I'm not trying to suggest that they wouldn't be; actually just curious.)

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This actually gives me hope...my new bf has never had any experiences with bondage or s&m and I was pretty heavily involved in it with my last relationship.

 

I tied him up last night...and he seemed nervous. He said he liked it...he just needed to get used to it. All our other sex is phenomenal, so I'm really hoping that if I introduce him to s&m slowly, he'll get excited about it. He feels like you did...he feels like he's supposed to caress me, protect me, pleasure me and never hurt me...I want him to let loose...hopefully with time

 

Oh, I think you are probably all set. It sounds like you are with a very great guy! Just tell him in the heat of the moment, bluntly, that you want him to do x, y and z because it will get you off and I think he will be right there in the same boat with you with you both enjoying it. Actually, it is really kind of nice to hear that there are ladies out there who have fun interests like you have. Definitely get your SO rolling with you there.

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