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Boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me... how to win him back?


koshka

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My boyfriend and I have known each other for 3 years, dated for 2 and lived together for 1. We both met when we moved overseas to Japan (which is where we have lived for the past 3 years). During the first year of our relationship, everything was great. I loved him to bits, and couldn't believe my luck in falling in love with such a good friend who shared the same feelings.

 

After the 1st year we decided to move in together to save money. During this time, all of my closest friends moved away back home, and I was left with little connection to anyone other than my boyfriend. I started to feel depressed, highly insecure and emotional. I would always pull him up if he did anything I didn't like, question his love for me constantly, and tell him that he could do better than someone so depressed like me. He just isn't sure how to deal with my depressive moodswings, and I don't blame him for that. I just wished that I could have one of my best friends or family members close by to help pick me up.

 

At the same time, I kept feeling like things would be different when we eventually move back home together. Our flight back home is booked for March 31st. We'd had everything planned out, living together, and even talking about children in future. 3 weeks ago I became emotional again about how he wasn't being as affectionate as usual. He then told me that he was having doubts about us moving in together again, but assured me that he wanted to stay together.

 

The past 3 weeks have been okay - I've been trying to give him space (which is tough when living in the same place, a rural town, and having few friends), but 2 nights ago we went out with friends, had a little drink and I became emotional again. I said I thought he was being selfish by withdrawing his affection, but he told me that he just needed some space. Last night I came to him again and spoke about the lack of affection (which was there a little, but not as much as usual) and how the relationship was doing nothing to help my insecurities. He then told me that he doesn't think I'm ever going to be happy, we're both making each other sad and he wants to split up. I asked if he would give us another chance back home, because I just know I won't be in such a depressive state. He said he doesn't think he can.

 

I am so heartbroken. I know I pushed him away, but it's so frustrating knowing that that emotional person wasn't really me. I have never been like this before in my life, and do feel like I must be depressed, being away from all family and friends for so long.

 

I still love him so much. He's my best friend, and a good man. He may not be affectionate/understanding enough to know how to help when I'm down, but I know for sure that when I'm myself, we're totally great together. During the break up he was crying really hard (I have never seen him cry) and he did tell me that he still loves me, but just doesn't think that we can ever work.

 

We have two months left before our flight back home, and there isn't really an option of either of us moving out. We never shout at each other, and I'm sure are capable of living amicably... but if there is any chance for me to win him back, I want to do that. Do you have any suggestions? Or do you feel like it's a lost cause? Thank you so much in advance... it's so hard going through this alone.

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I can see a lot of similarities between your story and my one. My boyfriend and I also met each other while working overseas, and we moved in together pretty quickly because it made sense at the time. But after the honeymoon period wore off and we were in each others faces all the time, I also got very emotional and started relying on him and the relationship to make me happy instead of taking time for myself.

 

My advice is to get as much space as possible. Not because he asked for it or to try to provoke a response but to take time to start working on your happiness. Work through your own issues, get your confidence back, and try to focus on yourself instead of just trying to get back together. (I know this sounds easier than it actually is!) There is no quick fix, and any reconciliation that's based off of hot emotions or guilt will most likely fail quickly. But if you really take the time to work on yourself and don't get in your own way, there is always a chance. Anything is possible!

 

And if it's of any help, my boyfriend and I were apart for 4 months with absolutely no contact. I took that time to make serious changes in my attitude and how I react to stress, and it's helped the overall health of our relationship greatly. He tells me that I smile and laugh a lot more now, and he finds that immensely attractive

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Finding a new guy will be the quickest way to win him back. How long things would last before the same problems crept up, is anyone's guess, but if you start seeing other people right away and ignore your ex completely, he'll probably freak.

 

Thank you for giving your opinion.. but I don't think that would help. I'm certain that he definitely wouldn't take me back after another guy is in the picture, and also I can't imagine being with someone else romantically right now.

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Thank you for your response.. it gives me some hope. I guess I need to take this time to just be the best me that I can be, and if he still doesn't want me after that then it probably just wasn't meant to be.

 

If you don't mind, can you tell me more about the 4 months of separation? Like who's decision was that and what were the circumstances? And also, who made the first move to get the ball rolling again?

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Finding a new guy will be the quickest way to win him back. How long things would last before the same problems crept up, is anyone's guess, but if you start seeing other people right away and ignore your ex completely, he'll probably freak.

 

Honestly this is the worst thing you can do.

 

Just give him the space he needs. Make things crystal clear. That you want to stay with him and that you will wait (If you're willing to). Other than that, the best thing you can do is take care of yourself and don't give it much thought.

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Thank you for your response.. it gives me some hope. I guess I need to take this time to just be the best me that I can be, and if he still doesn't want me after that then it probably just wasn't meant to be.

 

If you don't mind, can you tell me more about the 4 months of separation? Like who's decision was that and what were the circumstances? And also, who made the first move to get the ball rolling again?

 

Neither of us really made a "decision" to cut off contact - that's just what happens after a breakup. Our lives were no longer connected once he moved out of the apartment.

 

I was the one who contacted first after 4 months, but it was just to let him know I had received some of his mail. At that point, I had started dating again, so I wasn't scheming to get back together. It took another few weeks of emails, mixed messages, phone tag, and a little bit of drama before we got back together again.

 

Also, I don't know if you've considered this, but things probably wouldn't have gotten better once you moved back home, at least not right away. Reverse culture shock can be very stressful and can definitely take its toll on a relationship - especially when both people are experiencing it. So it may be better that you guys don't have to go through that together and drive each other nuts.

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"Finding a new guy will be the quickest way to win him back. How long things would last before the same problems crept up, is anyone's guess, but if you start seeing other people right away and ignore your ex completely, he'll probably freak."

 

Worst thing you could do!

 

I am currently trying to reconcile with my girlfriend. If the role was reversed and she had been with someone else l would never get past that and things would never be as they were.

 

It depends on your ex but if it were me l would want the girl to show me how much l mean to her and why and also how she has addressed or is addressing any issues that caused the break up in the first place.

 

I would want her to fight for me but not pressure me. Its a hard balance to find and one hat l am struggling with myself.

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I am so heartbroken. I know I pushed him away, but it's so frustrating knowing that that emotional person wasn't really me. I have never been like this before in my life, and do feel like I must be depressed, being away from all family and friends for so long.

 

I still love him so much. He's my best friend, and a good man. He may not be affectionate/understanding enough to know how to help when I'm down, but I know for sure that when I'm myself, we're totally great together. During the break up he was crying really hard (I have never seen him cry) and he did tell me that he still loves me, but just doesn't think that we can ever work.

 

I think the disturbing - or at least sad - part of this is that you really don't "get it." You are so concerned with getting him back you aren't really understanding a) the severity and impact of your depression and anxiety b) what you need to address your issues.

 

One, I think you should accept that depressed and insecure IS a part of who you are ... while living with a boyfriend. Living with folks, especially boyfriends, can bring out all kinds of feelings and insecurities that we don't know how to deal with. Instead of having a life outside of him, you focused on him to make you happy.

 

Two, the impact was that he saw you act this way consistently over a long period of time. It wasn't a one-time oops. It was enough for him to know this is what living with you is like. And he knows that he doesn't have the energy to keep filling up your never-ending insecurity well.

 

Three, I still think you want to put the responsibility of "helping you when you are down" on your bf and that is going to drain any man. It's not his job to make you feel good. Support you every once in a while? Yes. Cater to your insecurities? Nope.

 

Four, Instead of focusing on getting him back, focus on working on yourself.

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Sounds like what I'm going through now. You CANNOT make your boyfriend your only source of happiness! I did that and he ended up feeling so stifled and left! You have to take this opportunity to find your passion in life and other things that make you happy. You have to become whole again before you can be with another person. NC for now is good but don't worry, after you've fixed yourself, there are many possibilities! We are living in a world with so many ways to connect with loved ones. Once you feel ready and happy with your own life and being by yourself, you can always contact him again or maybe even choose to move on with someone else!

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