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Non-confrontational conversation about honest with someone I'm dating


upsndowns

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I just started dating this guy *really* recently. I know that he has a history of sleeping around a lot (which doesn't bother me) and has always had girls coming and going (which also doesn't bother me). I don't think there's anything immoral about that, and I just really like spending time with him. We seem to be really hitting it off, and he tells me all the time that he thinks I'm smart/funny/pretty and that he really likes me. He even told me that he doesn't feel like sleeping with anyone else right now, even though we aren't exclusive. I worry that he's just saying these things because he feels like he has to--like he doesn't want to make me feel like a w**** because we're sleeping together or something. I don't want him to feel like he has to act like I'm the "specialest girl he's ever slept" with or whatever just to get me to keep sleeping with him or so that I don't feel bad. If he wants to sleep around, that's totally fine; we aren't in a relationship. I would rather just know what the deal is than have him tell me a bunch of really nice things that aren't true. I want to tell him this, but I don't want it to seem like I can't accept a compliment or like I'm going off on him for telling me he likes me, if that's really how he feels. I really like him, but I don't want to make the mistake of trusting him too quickly. Does anyone have any ideas about how I could bring this up gently so that I don't come accross as a suspicious, jaded b****? Or am I being a suspicious, jaded b****?

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Guys like that usually aren't upfront about what they're doing behind your back b/c then they risk that you'll walk and they want it all...you, the other chick and the other, other chick. With the habitual appetite for several women coming and going, that's unlikely to change. I think you mention something really important....that you're trusting him too early. He's upfront told you he has women come and go out of his life which is okay with him and also okay with you. Right now he "doesn't feel like" sleeping with anyone else but he probably will soon or soon enough.

I would do this:

a) use protection always. 100% of the time.

b) tell him while you appreciate the compliments and whatnot, you hope he'll let you know when he's seeing other people...although, again, I wouldn't trust that

I dated a guy who came off like a reformed player....alllll into me and lots of compliments and that he had found a "quality situation" and blah blah blah...he was picking up, dating and sleeping with other women the whole time. I was the idiot that thought he had no reason to lie...but he did (in his mind)...he wanted me AND the other girls.

Its how they roll. He's basically already told you that.

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You've all brought up a lot of good points. Thank you. I did want to say, though, that no one here is a "conquest"; we're two consenting adults having great sex. I'm just saying that I want him to be honest with me about whether it's just sex or not. Because if it's just sex, that's fine, but I don't want to start getting attached with the idea that we're moving towards a relationship if it's really just sex with him; he doesn't need to lie to get into my pants, I'll just let him in. I like sex, and he's good in bed. I'm not a romantic, I'm a realist.

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You've all brought up a lot of good points. Thank you. I did want to say, though, that no one here is a "conquest"; we're two consenting adults having great sex. I'm just saying that I want him to be honest with me about whether it's just sex or not. Because if it's just sex, that's fine, but I don't want to start getting attached with the idea that we're moving towards a relationship if it's really just sex with him; he doesn't need to lie to get into my pants, I'll just let him in. I like sex, and he's good in bed. I'm not a romantic, I'm a realist.

 

 

Then simply say, unrelated to the compliments "what are your intentions about us" or "what do you see us as?" He'll know exactly what you mean but it doesn't mean you'll get a straight answer.

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I agree with Batya about just simply asking what his intentions are.

 

However, I would not trust it. He might give you a confusing answer or straight up lie. Sadly I've dealt with a couple of guys like this, except I wasn't sleeping with them... and it was always confusing and never quite clear what their intentions are. Some guys may want more than just casual sex, but are still unsure if they really want the commitment, sacrifice and all the other stuff that relationships require. Therefore it's easier to tell the casual sex buddy some cute things and maybe mix some romantic things in there just to get some brief satisfaction from it.

 

If anything just be upfront with yourself about what you genuinely want and keep your expectations low. If he does actually like you and wants more, then that's great but don't get too excited about it and certainly don't assume anything he tells you is 100% true.

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