Racist Family, Mixed Boyfriend

[GinNJuice]

That's not love, its control. But you seem to want their control, so I have no sympathy for you. You should break up with your boyfriend, so he can find someone who actually loves him and doesn't feel the need to hide him, and you can find someone your parents like.

[brunette1988]

I never said I wanted their control. I don't know many people that could just brush their parents never speaking or seeing them again off their shoulder. I want their love and support.. not their control. I love my boyfriend more than anything, so he's already found that. I've been open with him about the situation all along and he has gone right along with it and he understands its not something that I can control. Thats why Im here... to see what other people that may have been in this situation before have done... and to see how it worked out for them... did their parents come around eventually? I feel as if mine wouldn't as long as I was with him.

[GinNJuice]

Like I said, in the very first response to this post, some people don't have the heart for it, and that sucks for them. Their parental love and support is conditional on you doing as they wish, so it not love, it's control.

 

You don't love him nearly as much as you claim to. You've been keeping him a secret for years for Pete's sake. I think you should break up with him, since you refuse to treat him right.

 

Let your parents drown you in their misery and hate if you want, but do so knowing you brought it on yourself, and don't try to blame them. I don't think you know what love is, and that may be something you can blame on them.

[brunette1988]

If I didn't love him then it would be easy to walk away... which it clearly isnt.

[Cheetarah]

To me, it would be more than just love. It would be more than him. It would be about a direct clash of value and moral principles, it would be about what I wanted my children to be taught. I do not think I'd be overjoyed to do it, I would actually experience a lot of emotional conflict and a deep feeling of loss but I would have to do what is right...And I'd consider walking away to be right if we couldn't get on the same page.

 

My ex was black and latino and we have a child together. The living family takes no qualm in that department, so that is easy. But if my grandfather were alive or my uncle was in my life, it would be a different story. I'd be ostracized.

 

I don't know what it is like to grow up with that frame of thought. My grandmother was not racist and she taught my mom her values, she then taught them to me. But you say you followed those "rules" before so I wonder if you still are experiencing some internal conflict surrounding that which is causing further struggle for you.

 

You can't make your decisions based on any what ifs. You have to take them at their word. They may or may not come around, but it would be nothing short of unwise to base your choices on the fact that they 'could'. You just have to take this at face value when you make your choices.

[Ms Darcy]

If I didn't love him then it would be easy to walk away... which it clearly isnt.

 

You have gotten a lot of feedback and it can feel overwhelming. I think you should consider some key questions:

 

1. Are you and your bf planning to marry?

2. Are you planning to have a family?

3. Are you willing to stop hiding him?

4. Is your family willing to go to counseling with you?

5. Are you going to be able to move forward with marriage if your family disowns you?

[Mesemene]

I'd add to Ms Darcy's list

 

Would you feel comfortable leaving your children (even not mixed) with your family and having them exposed to their values and language?

 

I don't know how blatant your family is - but my lovely stepson's stepdad has a Nazi flag hanging in his living room, and exposes them to racist "comedy" and diatribes about things like "how M. L. King Day was a farce *insert rant." I don't have a choice about their exposure, I'm not their mother, and CPS doesn't give a crap if there's no physical harm. But if it were my kids (and it has been regarding friends when they were younger) I've had to be very firm that they not be exposed to the derogatory slang names (you know the ones I mean) and other comments. I've left neighborhood parties and block dinners to keep them away from it (they're adults now.)

 

And if you don't want their philosophies taught to your children, race non withstanding, it's a conversation you'll have to have eventually.

 

I suppose the question would be - is your family at least respectful enough to allow you your views and NOT try to force their beliefs on their future grandkids?

[Unreasonable]

Well, if you love him, let your family disown you (respectfully). Don't make it a big stink. At least you have a chance your family will come around. Time has a tendency to wear down these things, if they do truly love you.

 

Your chance of success with this guy is ZERO if you keep listening to your family. It's pretty crappy that you've been hiding him imho, but what's done is done.

[GinNJuice]

If I didn't love him then it would be easy to walk away... which it clearly isnt.

 

I said you don't love him nearly as much as you think you do. I agree that you probably love the idea, or what he does for you or whatever, but you won't even publicly acknowledge him, so you don't truly love him.

[metrogirl]

You said the relationship has been off and on again for 3 years, why is that? I'm wondering if your parents hatred for him is because of the off and on again relationship? Can you explain?

[jussmile]

I totally felt your pain. I went through a similar situation. My boyfriend's parents would not accept me. After 3 years, I have never met them, and will never meet them. All of these people saying your family will eventually get over it... well, they may be right, but my experience has shown, that hatred and racism can be so deeply rooted, that they will probably not change their mind.

 

My boyfriend and I broke up several times because he didn't want his parents to disown him, and I fought because I wanted to meet his parents, and give them a chance to know me before they "hated" me.

 

We both realized... we are adults. His parents have made and will make the decision that they feel is best for them, and we will make the decisions that are best for us. They told him they will disown him if he marries me. We have accepted that. It is a bullying mentality, and my boyfriend (just like you), did not make the decision to have that part of his family out of his life. They made the decision. They have to own it. Establish friendships, deep friendships that are like your family. They will be there for you when you need it.