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Racist Family, Mixed Boyfriend


brunette1988

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I have been in and off and on relationship for about 3 years now with a mixed guy. We have a great relationship but I believe the one thing that keeps giving us problems is the fact that he has not met anybody in my family and after 3 years that is something you would want to do. I have told him that my parents are racist and don't approve of interracial relationships but that I am my own person and make my own choices. I used to get away with this for awhile, hiding him and keep him and my family apart but it is stressful. Now, my parents have heard from people that I have been dating him and they are letting me have it. They are saying that they are disowning me until I tell them I am done with him for good and never see or talk to him again. I am in my 20s and do not live at home so I feel as if I am grown enough to make my own decisions but when it comes down to choosing between your family and the person you love it is hard. It's not fair to him either that they hate him for the color of his skin. I will say that this is abnormal for me as I had been raised that it is not right to date someone out of my own race and until I met him I followed those rules but he is a really good guy and I know that if my parents weren't so stubborn and got to know him they would like him for who he is, but they will never give him a chance because he is mixed. Their minds are the kinds of minds that will not and cannot be changed. So, I guess I am here asking for advice on what I should do in this situation and if anyone else has been through this?

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You should disown your family. Don't sound like people I'd want to stay in touch with, but some people don't have the heart for that, so sucks for them(you?) I guess.

 

If they'd disown you for something like this, how much do they actually love you? I'd cut them off for good, and enjoy my relationship if I were you.

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I'd let my family disown me, personally.

 

You are a grown and independent woman and have the complete right to date whomever you want. You should not be forced to make a choice between two entirely different kinds of relationships. If I were your boyfriend, I'd be mighty pissed that you treated me like a dirty secret. I couldn't live that way - Does he know that they never knew about him until recently?

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You're grown enough to make your own decision. And I think it's pretty sad that your parents judge people by their race. Why would they care what race your boyfriend is if he's a good person and makes you happy? If you really love each other you should stay with your boyfriend.

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If you're serious about this guy - he needs to know it. Not to mention, if you DON'T address this and stop sitting on the fence where you're not openly telling your family their bigotry isn't shared by and won't be tolerated by you - what will this mean for any children you may have? Do you want to try to explain to a toddler why your side of the family calls him names, or ignores her if they see you?

 

Seriously - this is something you need to decide which way you stand and take a FIRM stance. Even assuming you don't end up with this guy - once again - do you want your kid's minds polluted with this crap? Want them to face being disowned if they decide to date a nice guy who just happens not to be your race? Want them to blurt out something grandma or grandpa preached at them and get a call from the hospital or morgue when their schoolmates attack them?

 

I'm dealing with similar from my stepson's mom and stepdad, and I've about had it with them - but unfortunately, I can't disown them until my stepson is 18. You don't have that chain. Believe me, when I do - I'll be pruning those idiotic bigots right out of this side of the family. The kids are already confused as to what racism even is - if I could get them away sooner, I would.

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I completely agree to what everyone else has said. You are you own person, and as such, it is now time for you to decide how you want to live your life and the impact you want to have on any future children. Do you really want them growing up around grandparents who won't accept them, or who they date? Confused about race, and the fact that race does not make a person? If you care at all, you should send a message to your family that you would rather be disowned, than have them judge your life with their bigotry.

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I'd be quite happy to be disowned by my parents if they were so narrowminded and racist.

 

I love your posts, SN, so I hate to disagree with you here.

 

But I don't think anyone would be quite happy to be disowned by their parents. Hopefully this will cause them to open their minds and reconsider their stance.

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I love your posts, SN, so I hate to disagree with you here.

 

But I don't think anyone would be quite happy to be disowned by their parents. Hopefully this will cause them to open their minds and reconsider their stance.

 

In a perfect world this would happen, but if this poor girl had to hide her bf for 3 years do you really think this is going to happen?

 

I would take my loving wonderful bf over these bigots any day.

As Mesemene said, you need to think about any future children.

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I think unless you've actually been disowned by your family, you might not really get it.

 

And yes, I do think eventually they may come around. When they see that he is a good dad, a good provider... When they fall in love with their grandchildren... Yes, I do think they will.

 

In the meantime, you just have to be strong and say "I love him, I love you guys, I'm not choosing between you." After that, you can't take responsibility for their actions.

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In a perfect world this would happen, but if this poor girl had to hide her bf for 3 years do you really think this is going to happen?

 

I would take my loving wonderful bf over these bigots any day.

As Mesemene said, you need to think about any future children.

 

OP didn't have to hide her bf for 3 years. She chose to. Maybe they would have come around by now if they had been told.

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I love your posts, SN, so I hate to disagree with you here.

 

But I don't think anyone would be quite happy to be disowned by their parents. Hopefully this will cause them to open their minds and reconsider their stance.

 

Majority of the time it only works in the movies. Some people will never change. I think the best thing to do is move out and let her family be.

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I know a man who married a woman of another race. His parents disowned him. He is happily married but of course I'm sure it was a really painful decision for him knowing that his parents would not be in his life anymore. He and his wife now have two children and what saddens me the most is that they won't know their grandparents on their father's side. Oh well, some people are a lost cause.

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You are insulting your bf by keeping him a secret for the sake of your family. It's not fair to him at all, especially after being with him for so long. I was in your bf's position once, and it is actually very embarrassing to know that 1) you're not accepted by the family, and 2) that your girl won't even stand up for your relationship. Very embarrassing.

 

Draw your line with your family and let them know that you are going to live your life for you, and not them, and that you demand respect for yourself and whoever you choose to love. Then you will be able to live knowing that you stood up for yourself and your principles. And that's how you should always live your life. Don't ever back down from standing up for yourself.

 

I also think that after a while, your family will see how ridiculous they have been, and how it's not their decision how you live your life, now or ever. And if they can't find respect and accommodation for you, their own family member, then it's better you don't have their low-grade drama in your life anyway. As a child, you can't choose your family or living conditions. But as an adult, you can and will.

 

What the world needs is more love and understanding, and less hatred and ignorance.

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I think unless you've actually been disowned by your family, you might not really get it.

 

And yes, I do think eventually they may come around. When they see that he is a good dad, a good provider... When they fall in love with their grandchildren... Yes, I do think they will.

 

In the meantime, you just have to be strong and say "I love him, I love you guys, I'm not choosing between you." After that, you can't take responsibility for their actions.

 

Never assume anything on this site.

 

I didn't speak to my family for 5 years, so I do know what I am talking about.

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I love your posts, SN, so I hate to disagree with you here.

 

But I don't think anyone would be quite happy to be disowned by their parents. Hopefully this will cause them to open their minds and reconsider their stance.

I said 'I would' not everyone would. I will say now I would not want to be associated with my parents if they couldn't accept the person I was in love with due to a petty reason like the colour of his skin.

 

Even now. If my parents told me to choose between them and my husband I'd choose my husband and my son and the family I've made.

 

In an ideal world the parents would come around and grow to like her partner. However this is the real world and some peoples hatred is so deeply ingrained they will never change. Hence why people disown their children for being gay etc.

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A person you love against racist parents that are ready to cut you out of their life like you don't exist because you don't share their racist view? I would say I am team Boyfriend in this one. Do you have brothers or sisters? Because if not - your folks will lose the only chance to have grandchildren. And its their own choice. Let them be all hateful, you deserve a life and a happiness.

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You should not listen to the advice telling you to disown your family. They are the only people in your life that you should love unconditionally and should come before any guy. They were in your life long before you met him and will be long after he's gone.

 

That said, you shouldn't give into their racist views and lose your boyfriend either. They need to accept who you are and the choices you make regardless of whether they agree with those choices.

 

There's no doubt that it is going to be difficult for you to manage both relationships and they may never come to truly accept him, despite your best efforts. I wonder whether there is a family therapist you could go to with them to work through this issue?

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It's the way my parents were raised. My mother is very controlling and when she loses control of something its nothing but a fight until she gets her way again. I dont want to be disowned by my family. We are a pretty close family that spends a decent amount of time together.. and when they say disown they mean completely cutting me out of their life.. no talking, no seeing.. no more family holidays, etc. That would really take a toll on me.. but then I think of having to break up with my boyfriend and what heartache I would have by doing that and for a reason that isnt even my choice.. not to mention the heartache he would have.

 

I've told him about my parents and how they don't approve of interracial dating.. he knows that much.. what he doesn't know is that it has come to the point of them kicking me out of their life if I decide to stay with him. I don't even know how to tell him that.

 

This recently has just been stressing me out to the point where I don't even feel like myself anymore because I don't know what to do. I see what some of you are saying about how family are the only ones that will always be there before and after relationships.. and thats what worries me the most is that one day something will go wrong between us and then my family has been done with me and then Im left with no one.

 

I don't understand why they can't just let me be happy?

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They are the only people in your life that you should love unconditionally and should come before any guy.--she can love them, but they clearly wont love her if she will date a guy of other race. In OPs situation they just want to have their way about who she can or can not date. That is wrong, and her mother sounds very controlling, manipulating and unstable, sorry. Everything is fine with them, before she brings the man she loves into their home.

She is not the one to try to adjust around them here, they should be a bit more open-minded, and openhearted, I would say.

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When I left my family's religion, it was extremely difficult because I knew my family would cut me out of their lives. I felt very guilty because I was the one who made the choice. Or at least that's the narrative that they have held all this time - that I left them, I abandoned them. With time, my heart grew to understand what my head knew all along - that they were making the choice to cut me off. I never chose that. I would never choose something over my family. I made my choices and they had to make theirs.

 

This is an extremely manipulative and unhealthy situation to be in. It can take years to process. It's very different from having a fight with your family and not talking out of anger. You aren't mad at them, you don't hate them, in fact you really like them and love them and crave their company.

 

But they are using their love as a tool of manipulation and you can't accept anyone treating you that way.

 

Make your choices and let them make theirs.

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But they are using their love as a tool of manipulation and you can't accept anyone treating you that way

 

That's EXACTLY how I feel! I feel like Im being threatened and they are using something that they KNOW will hurt me to control my actions and it's not fair. I don't want to lose him or my family. So, it's kind of a lose lose situation for me.

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At some point your views and theirs will come to a clash. Unfortunately - about the only control you have is how and when they'll clash. They have to choose, at that point, if their views mean more to them than their daughter and her future family.

 

The illusion is that you have any control over this. If it's not because of the boyfriend, at some point, it will be because of things said to your children, regardless of their race (do you want your kids growing up racist, or completely confused?) because at a deep level - their beliefs and yours don't match - AND (the biggie) at least going by their words, while you are content to allow them to believe as they wish and live and let live - they are NOT. They've told you "believe as I do or you are no longer welcome here."

 

Their habit of intolerance extends beyond race and into those who just don't believe racism is right. The ONLY choice you really have is how much you're willing to sacrifice to hide how you feel - and that honestly, is a band aid solution that isn't going to last. Sooner or later something will happen that pushes you into a corner.

 

You don't have to disown your family - but you can't control if they disown you.

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