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In Love With Two People-Getting Over Past Relationship Problems


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Hello All,


For the past 7.5 years of my adult life (I am now in my mid-thirities), I have been in what I would consider a great relationship. My X and I met in our twenties. We traveled together, cross country several times, and did this often for fun on weekends. We didn't really have many friends, but a few here and there. We were each others best friends, really. But we were okay with that. At times this may have posed some issues because we were so much to each other and attached at the hip, but for the most part it wasn't an issue. I look back on this relationship with A LOT OF LOVE. It ended because I wanted to try someone else out. More on this story...


I took a new job 5 years into my last relationship. This person I met from work (my supervisor, actually). We lived very close to each other so began car-pooling. We got to know each other a lot. And feel in love. He is a wonderful person. I left my boyfriend to see if this relationship would work. Everything I griped about in what is now my X this person was. So essentially, these two people are opposites. True opposites. My now X-the sex life was weird, he wanted me to have sex with other people or fantasized about it and it got old. And this guy wanted me all to myself. My now X was very stoic at times and had difficulty lightening up, new guy was and is the funniest person I know. And romantic. Everything you want from a guy.


Now I am with new guy, there are some issues. Mainly, I am unable to get over past relationship with X. I miss him. Every morning I wake up and wonder how is. What is he doing, is he OK? I still speak with him and see him every now and then on weekends. I know he doesn't have any one else and it breaks my heart. No friends, small studio apartment, not a lot of money. I do feel A LOT of guilt. But I miss what we did-hiking on the weekends, going weekend warrior style and to random ends of earth. This I do not do with new BF. I have begun to drink more heavily and worry about myself. I live with new BF now, too. And he is aware of X and my thoughts but very cool about it. I have never cheated on him. But we cannot tell anyone we work with (supervisor), we are lying to a lot of people. This is hard, after one year.


My life in the past year has consisted of memories I am unable to let go of. These photos in my head-very dramatic, black and white of us traveling or in the the special places we frequented, waving good bye to each other--these are so sad to me. I am unable to let go of the life I had with him. They were the best 7.5 years of my life. I want him back? I think I do... But I don't trust myself right now. I am a mess.


After a full year of being broken up, I still cannot let go. This is the most painful thing I have ever gone through. Was it because I wasn't sure about breaking up? Was it because our relationship wasn't that bad? The sex thing was weird and all but cannot that be worked on?


I am in love with two people. Seriously in love with them both. They are the EXACT OPPOSITE OF EACH OTHER and I see beauty in them both. I want to be in a relationship 100%. I don't want to feel this. But it's organic and I cannot stop these feelings of DEEP love for two people...


Has ANYONE ever experience this before? I am at a loss. I have sought therapy for several months but a PhD doesn't help you decide. And besides, I can't decide. Yikes... I am not a religious person by nature, never was. But I am thinking of seeking a higher power on this one. I can't do it anymore... Any thoughts, advice, ANYTHING is appreciated.


Thank you

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My now X-the sex life was weird, he wanted me to have sex with other people or fantasized about it and it got old.


But we cannot tell anyone we work with (supervisor), we are lying to a lot of people. This is hard, after one year.


Sounds to me that none of these relationships is right for you. In BOTH cases something is missing. In your previous relationship you were unhappy with your sex life (personally, I doubt that this is easy to fix if at all) and in your current relationship you are unhappy about the secrecy and having to lie to people, which is understandable. Plus, as nice as he may be, he sounds like a rebound (and in fact he is not so nice in my books if he knowlingly got himself involved with you in any way while you were still with your ex). My advice would be to stay single for a while to process the end of your long term relationship and give yourself some time to learn from it and grow as a single person.

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I agree very much with Clio^....


It's possible that you were not 'ready' to move onto another relationship so quickly.

One needs to work on themselves and work on 'accepting' the loss and then heal before moving on whole heartedly.


Now, you are feeling all messed up- bothered, confused & drinking more? This is NOT good.


It may be BEST for you to back off from one you're with now and work on yourself re: the last BU, before him...you think?

It's do you great wonders to work on yourself & your confusion & emotions for a while and sort your life out.


Nothing wrong with taking a 'break' away from men so you can work on things on your own.

If you don't, you could possibly keep 'falling' into that pit of dispair and regrets.


so why dont you think about it? Think about what YOU need.. what you want.

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I agree with the above. Sometimes it's best to take some time to digest the end of one relationship before jumping into another. I broke up with my long term boyfriend and right after jumped into another relationship. That created a lot of emotional baggage for the new relationship and eventually that had to end as well. I found myself loving both of them, for different reasons. Just like your situation, these two men were total opposites. I had a great relationship with my long term bf, but felt that something was missing. When I dated the new bf, something also felt missing. My friends all suggested that I let both go but I had such a hard time since I was so attached to both. I was holding onto the thoughts of the old relationship while trying to be in another relationship as well. It was difficult!


For now, I'm just taking a break from relationships and focusing on myself. It's definitely LONELY but I think I just have to do that for my well-being.

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