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Husband won't help me around the house


ScubaDiva

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My husband and I come from 2 very different cultures/upbringings. I was practically brought up in boarding school and self-efficiency was drummed into me relentlessly.

 

My husband, on the other hand, is self-reliant on everyone else to do things for him and it seems he will go to any lengths to persuade someone else to do any jobs/tasks for him, than have to do it himself. Women in his culture dote on the men and they don't even have to get up to switch a light on (I'm not joking)!

 

It’s embarrassing to say, but he is very lazy except when it comes to anything football related - which he has an undying passion for (watching and playing).

 

My problems at the moment appear to be communication. Whether it be sexual or verbal. Either one is not going well at all and I am really at the end of my tether because he will not take any steps to remedy the situation.

 

I have sat down and spoken to him time and time again – I’m nice, I’m psycho, I cry, I scream, I shout, I throw things, talk rationally to him – NOTHING works!! He has one job at home and that is to take the rubbish out - how hard could that be hey... He consistently forgets and then smirks about it. I take this as being totally and utterly disrespectful and not putting any effort into our relationship – especially since the last few weeks, I have been begging him and pleading him to be more responsible and do the “manly” things around the house but it just falls on deaf ears.

 

He forgot the rubbish again today so I blew up. I see this as a total disregard of my feelings and I don't feel respected or cherished.

 

His job involves being practical but yet he leaves household problems e.g. leaking tap, broken shower door etc for months and months on end and I have to nag him constantly to sort them out. I have turned into someone I despise. I'm always angry it seems.

 

I read a thread last night where someone said "will a man move mountains for someone he loves" - well, mine wouldn't even make me a cup of tea or go to the kitchen for me.

 

I’m the one that cuts the grass, does the washing up, cleans the house, does the shopping, cooks his food everyday – he does NOTHING! If I don't do it - nothing will be done.

 

It’s coming now to the point where I just don’t know how to communicate without blowing up and I am literally wanting to throw him and his things out the door.

 

Our sex life after only 3 years of marriage is down to once a week which in my books is pathetic. Our sexual communication is a whole other problem.

 

Does anyone have any wise advice on what I can do to get the best out of him because I cannot take this anymore! I don't know what to do.

 

Thanks

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Stop doing everything. He knows you will do it and his sense of entitlement expects you should.

Was he like this while you were dating?

 

Try talking again...with a list. What you will do...what he needs to step up and do.

If you fix dinner....he loads dishwasher.

If you do laundry...he vacuums.

If you grocery shop.....he cuts grass/shovels.

 

If he slacks off...you do likewise. If dishes are being done...buy paper plates.

 

There is no consequence to him not doing anything besides you growing at him. And after 3 years he just tunes you out.

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Why did you marry him in the first place? Surely, you had to have seen at least some of this before getting married?

 

We only have your side of things, but he sounds completely worthless. I suggest you divorce him, rather than waiting for him to change..you aren't getting any younger.

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Well, you knew what his culture was about and married him anyway... the biggest mistake people make is marrying someone and expecting them to change just because you want them to!

 

So if he refuses to do the work, then perhaps rather than nagging him you can just start hiring people to do the work instead. And get a maid to help with the cleaning so that you don't resent it so much. And then when he wants to spend money on other frivolous things, tell him you had to spend the money on the plumber or the maid because he refuses to help so there is not left for his frivolous pursuit.

 

The other advice is if you really really hate this and he won't pay to hire plumbers and maids/cleaners, then you probably will need to divorce. Lesson learned about marrying someone from another culture and expecting him to act like he was raised in yours! That kind of 'man pampering' culture is deeply engrained in men, and they WILL feel like it is your job to do the dirty work and pamper them and don't appreciate you at all. I personally couldn't live like that.

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Why did you marry him in the first place? Surely, you had to have seen at least some of this before getting married?

 

We only have your side of things, but he sounds completely worthless. I suggest you divorce him, rather than waiting for him to change..you aren't getting any younger.

 

LOL - indeed, i know this is about his faults, but does he do anything good? He sounds super lazy, and this would NEVER work for me. It's not working for you either. Counseling is in order at the very least.

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There are no real consequences for him to reconsider his actions. You're nice, psycho; you cry, scream, shout, throw things, talk rationally to him and yet, there you remain--married to him, living in the same house as him, ending up doing what you're crying, screaming, shouting, throwing things, being nice and being psycho with him over.

 

When you apply some serious consequences--like moving out and leaving him--he may begin to take you seriously.

 

However: having said that, you knew what you were marrying before you walked down the aisle and yet you still walked down the aisle and married him. If you knew that he came from a culture where women did all of the work, why in God's name did you bind your life to someone like that?

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If he refuses to help another option is to hire a cleaning person and take the laundry to a "wash,dry, & fold" service at the laundromat. Or start washing your laundry separately without his. If he throws clothing on the floor, rather than in the hamper, you can also kick it under the bed (whoops). He will eventually have no clean clothing to wear.

 

This will especially work well if he doesn't want you to spend the money on the cleaning person.

 

You could also hire a handyman and lawn service, should you decide that you can stay in the marriage.

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Yes, I knew the culture he came from but he was more "compliant" and showed a willingness to put an effort into our relationship and to embrace change. I have never hidden who I am and my expectations of a husband. I don't recall having to argue and fight to get him to do something before we were married - not to this extent anyway.

 

He does have positives otherwise I wouldn't still be here. He is a sweet and loving guy who makes me laugh. We gel well generally and I enjoy his company. It's a case of I wouldn't want to live without him and I owe it to try and make this marriage work but I feel as if I am not getting any value out of our relationship and I am beginning to think that he doesn't give a damn about my feelings.

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great suggestions in here!! I don't have much to add. I would let him know that since he acts as if you live two separate lives and he's only out for himself, that you'll have to follow suit as taking care of him and getting nothing in return has become exhausting ...and then, like suggested, do your own laundry, food prep, etc. I can't see how that will make your marriage better because it will make it more like you're living 2 separate lives...but a way to drive your point home for sure.

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We only have your side of things, but he sounds completely worthless. I suggest you divorce him, rather than waiting for him to change..you aren't getting any younger.
Even worse, if you want to have kids... do you really want to have them with this man and have him be their role model? To have his side of the family demonstrate role models and modes of behaviour you hate?

 

I also agree with Moontiger. If you've not ready to change the locks or give him the boot, then only do what you need to do for yourself for a while and see how he likes it. Frankly, you want him to change, and he wants you to change and be like his Mommy. This is a battle of wills, where he fully expects that you will break down and clean up/do things he doesn't feel he should have to do. If I were you, I'd bounce him before you're cutting the grass while diapering the baby.

 

As an aside, I had to purchase something for my lawn equipment years ago and while I was there, there was an older guy who commented to me "could you come to my house and teach my wife how to do that?" I politely demurred while thinking "then what the h*ll would she need you for?"

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It doesn't matter how you speak, the problem is that you don't stand behind your words. Meaning, blah blah blah...nag nag nag....and then you take out the trash, do the laundry and mow the lawn. STOP IT! Let him run out of clean underwear and when he asks you where is the clean laundry, look at him and say "oh so sorry dear, I forgot...you know how it is....work has been hectic, the lawn needs mowing, trash taking out, things are broken around the house....got a lot on my mind luv..." And when he asks you to do the laundry, smile sweetly and tell him you really don't have time for his problems and mean it. Let him work out how to take care of himself or con someone else into doing it besides you....lol....sorry, but I'd put my money on the latter than the former.

 

By the way, in which culture exactly is a man so worshiped? Sounds to me like you simply married a lazy man who knows you will ultimately pipe down and do everything for him.

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It's a case of I wouldn't want to live without him and I owe it to try and make this marriage work but I feel as if I am not getting any value out of our relationship and I am beginning to think that he doesn't give a damn about my feelings.

 

Wouldn't want to live without him, eh? Keep whining to us about it, see if that gets him to change anything.

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I don't necessarily condone this, mind.

 

But I had a similar problem with my ex - he wouldn't even take 2 steps to drop his dirty undies into the hamper instead of leaving them on the bathroom floor. The ONLY bathroom, that guests would have to use.

 

So I reminded him a ton of times, but didn't pick them up or wash them. So come Monday, he wonders where his clean clothes are. And I pointed to the floor and told him if he couldn't get them 2 feet into the hamper, he better walk to the store in a hurry.

 

You'd think that would've solved it, but no. They STILL weren't picked up. And I (at my wits end) told him if they were still there when company was coming over, they'd be tossed with any other stuff I had to sweep up.

 

And yes, I followed through. They went in the dumpster. He raged, but I didn't back off, I told him it was embarrassing to have guests presented with a week of underwear owned by a grown man all over the bathroom.

 

It wasn't perfect after that - but he did start dropping them on his side of the bed and doing his own laundry - I flatly refused to wash anything that didn't make it to the clothes hamper. We both worked full time, had one baby, and another on the way. I didn't need a 6 foot tall child to add to the mix.

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My husband and I come from 2 very different cultures/upbringings.

 

My husband, on the other hand, is self-reliant on everyone else to do things for him and it seems he will go to any lengths to persuade someone else to do any jobs/tasks for him, than have to do it himself. Women in his culture dote on the men and they don't even have to get up to switch a light on (I'm not joking)!

 

It’s embarrassing to say, but he is very lazy except when it comes to anything football related - which he has an undying passion for (watching and playing).

I'm afraid to say if this is his culture, then you'll find it impossible to change him. This is what he wants. This is what he expects. This is what he is used to and believes it is the "right way". This is his culture. I doubt you'll ever get to change his outlook.

 

This is what you married and you either have to accept there won't be any changes on his part, or YOU make changes. By that I mean you either STOP doing everything for him, or hire a maid to help clean the house etc. Better yet, show him you are serious and leave. If not, then try marriage counselling (which I very much doubt he'll take part).

 

Hopefully there aren't any children yet? If you plan on having children with him, then ALL these issues need to be resolved before children enter the picture.

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Yes, I knew the culture he came from but he was more "compliant" and showed a willingness to put an effort into our relationship and to embrace change. I have never hidden who I am and my expectations of a husband. I don't recall having to argue and fight to get him to do something before we were married - not to this extent anyway.

 

He does have positives otherwise I wouldn't still be here. He is a sweet and loving guy who makes me laugh. We gel well generally and I enjoy his company. It's a case of I wouldn't want to live without him and I owe it to try and make this marriage work but I feel as if I am not getting any value out of our relationship and I am beginning to think that he doesn't give a damn about my feelings.

 

then the stuff he's not doing? Hire someone to do it for you. He's going to have to pay one way or the other: he either does the work himself or it comes out of his paycheck.

 

other than that, stop complaining and just do the work. No, he doesn't give a good dash darn about your feelings, but you aren't going anywhere, so learn to deal with it.

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  • 2 weeks later...
I hired someone to do the cleaning for us. My husband hated spending the money so he negotiated a deal. If he ever starts slacking, I threaten to bring the help back.

 

Also comment on every little thing he does. Appreciate the effort he puts in.

 

I don't agree with the last half of the statement. Does anybody comment on everything we do? No. We only get the comments when we don't do it. (We = general we) Why should she (or anyone) have to praise a grown man as if he were a child learning for the first time.

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I don't agree with the last half of the statement. Does anybody comment on everything we do? No. We only get the comments when we don't do it. (We = general we) Why should she (or anyone) have to praise a grown man as if he were a child learning for the first time.

 

I agree. He's a man and doesn't deserve any special encouragement or award for being responsible and taking care of his own business. It should just be expected.

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Yeah, maybe not every little thing. But lots of little things.

 

My husband also does this for me and it makes me feel good. It's not treating each other like children. It's just appreciating the little things.

 

But then, I don't think anything in a relationship should "just be expected". That would make for a miserable marriage full of drudgery. No thanks.

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I owe it to try and make this marriage work

 

And he feels the same way?

 

Ultimately, he has all the pwer and you've given all yours away. You get upset, you cry, nothing happens. He does nothing, nothing changes. He doesn't have to because what will happen either way? You'll still stay married to him and behave like a skivvy.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I have to agree with mostly everyone here. A while ago, I was upset about the same issue with my boyfriend. His mother was especially doting of him and such that he hasn't washed his own laundry EVER. While with him, I did all the cleaning for 3 years! It's exhausting. He will walk in the room, see the floor needs vacuuming because the birds spilled seed everywhere and just sit down at his desk and ignore it. When I refused to do his laundry, he meticulously picked out the three things I put in (my work pants) and I had to ask him to wash them. He went "why should I? You didn't wash mine!"... after 3 f***ing years of doing his laundry, you'd think he'd do it, right? Wrong. I'm out. Honnie, you should be right there leaving with me.

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