Frustrated Over Family and Financial Problems

[lesliemonster]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three years now. We get along really well, I feel comfortable talking to him about almost anything, and I really enjoy spending time with him. I feel like we're super compatible and share a lot of the same ideals. However, there's one thing I have a problem with: his relationship with his mother. Ever since we started dating, he and his mother would often "exchange" money back and forth. If she needed $200, he would lend it to her until the next week when she got paid, and she would usually (at least as far as I know) return it. I didn't question it at first; his parents have been divorced since he was young, and he has a younger sister, so I didn't really see anything wrong with helping out. But she lost her job at the beginning of last summer, and thought it would be just a great idea to take the summer off. Ever since then, my boyfriend has been responsible for giving her money and supporting his mom and sister almost completely. She had received unemployment, though that was never enough to suit her lifestyle, as she seems to go out a lot and often utilizes my boyfriend to pay for her dinners and such. Not only that, but her car broke down, and now she has full access to my boyfriend's car. He NEVER drives this car anymore. She has it exclusively, yet he still pays the insurance on it, the payments, and gas and other expenses. I am often the one who has to pick him up and drive him to work, even though my car really can't afford all the added stress.

 

To make matters worse, (I know, things just keep piling on) my boyfriend bought a laptop computer two summers ago (which he also never used much as his mother often monopolized it) and bought his mom an Ipad for Christmas last year, both which were stolen from a family friend's house while his mom and sister were visiting. Now, my boyfriend was supposed to get the money back on both of the purchases, as he was the one who spent all the money on both. However, around the same time, his mom got kicked out of her house and was forced to look for a new place to live (my boyfriend lives with my mom and I). So, the money he was supposed to get back went toward a down payment on an apartment so his mother and sister could live, AND he had to sign the lease on the apartment that he doesn't even live in because his mom's credit is apparently terrible. His credit is now on the line and he lost over $1400. His mom did have a seasonal job at Littman Jewelers, but is currently not working and has a $900 rent payment due soon.

 

I'm so frustrated because I can't stand seeing him be taken advantage of like this. It's been almost a year now and I'm so afraid things are only going to continue to spiral out of control. I've tried talking to him about it multiple times; he listens and understands to some degree. He wants a life of his own and knows he'll never have a future if things don't change, but hasn't done anything to get out of the situation. He keeps saying his mom "knows that he can't support her and his sister forever," and that he "knows he won't have a future if this keeps up." Yet, he continues to hand over money to her and he continues to let her have full control of his car. Even his friends have agreed with me that he'll never have a future of his own let alone with me if he doesn't stop. My family absolutely loves my boyfriend, but hates his mom for taking advantage of him. I'm so frustrated because I don't know what to do. I know we will never have a future if this keeps going, and I've told him that. If things don't change, I won't be able to stay in this relationship, regardless of how much I love and care about him. We'll never be able to live on our own, or have a joint bank account, or have kids if he's constantly giving money away to support his mom. But I'm so afraid that he won't make the changes that he needs to in order to live his own life. Despite he keeps saying that he knows and she knows, nothing changes. I'm afraid that he'll never stand up for himself. However, I don't want to lose him, because when his mom's finances aren't in the picture, we have a really great relationship. I don't want to throw that away, but at the same time, I don't know how much longer I can be with him if things don't change. I don't know what to do. I know things won't change instantly, but something needs to be done soon. How long do I stick around waiting for something that might never happen? Again, I don't want to just give up on my boyfriend. I want to support him and be there for him, as he always does that for me. But at the same time, I need to take care of myself, too. Am I being selfish for feeling this way? I'm sorry that this is long, but I just needed to get it out somewhere. I've been so frustrated over everything and I could really use some advice. I really have no idea how to go about dealing with all of this.

[mhowe]

He isn't going to change...he knows the dynamic and let's it continue. Tell him to move back with his mother and sister. He will then be living in the place he is paying for, have access to his car and the stress will be off you. Continue dating if you want...but don't expect his mother and sis will be giving up the gravy train in the near future.

[FreedomRing]

He isn't going to change...he knows the dynamic and let's it continue. Tell him to move back with his mother and sister. He will then be living in the place he is paying for, have access to his car and the stress will be off you. Continue dating if you want...but don't expect his mother and sis will be giving up the gravy train in the near future.

 

BINGO. What are your ages?

[lesliemonster]

BINGO. What are your ages?

 

That makes sense. It's upsetting, but it seems like that's the way it's going, unfortunately. I just feel bad, I guess. I don't want to abandon him but if things aren't going to change then I feel like I'm only locking myself in a bad situation. And I'm 21, and he's 22.

[FreedomRing]

Oh ok, still very young for all the "future" thinking - kids, marriage, etc. But this is what dating at your age is for...throwing back the bad apples. How did he end up living with you and your mom?

[lesliemonster]

Oh ok, still very young for all the "future" thinking - kids, marriage, etc. But this is what dating at your age is for...throwing back the bad apples. How did he end up living with you and your mom?

 

I suppose so, I mean I don't want to think too far ahead, but we've been together for almost three years and I really do feel strongly about him. He has a great sense of humor, a really great work ethic, and he is willing to talk and listen to me about pretty much anything. This situation with his mom is the only major problem that we've had. I guess I can't help but think of those "what if" scenarios if our relationship continues, if that makes sense. And honestly, we live less than ten minutes from one another, and he was spending a lot of time at my house, and ended up just staying permanently.

[mhowe]

Never...ever...default to living together. Time to woman up and send him home.

[FreedomRing]

Exactly. I'm not a fan of living together without a ring(done it myself in the past, and a BIG mistake), but in this case, perhaps he does need to move back home, to feel the full brunt of his 'using' momma. He has no real reason(although we disagree)to stand up to his mom, when he's living at your place.

[Ms Darcy]

You guys shouldn't be living together. He needs to be independent and on his own. He'll either learn to stop supporting his mom/sister or he won't. But you have to stop nagging him about it ... yes talking about it multiple times is nagging.

 

I think you have found an area of incompatibility. I would be very clear to him that you don't see a future with him if this situation does not change.