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An outside opinion.... please


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Hi Guys,


I hope I can make this brief and to the point... and that I can get an "outside" opinion of my situation.


I was dumb enough to start an affair with a married man, over a year ago. He is a Work colleague although having said that, Work is not an issue. We are both professional enough to not let personal relationships affect our Work. No-one at Work knows about us though.


At the time the affair started, he was not happy in his marriage and about 3 months into it, his wife and he agreed to divorce. She did not and still does not know about me.

Before this happened, he had been telling me he loved me and that he wanted to be with me.


Once he and his wife had agreed to divorce, he moved out of the Family home and rented a place to live. That was 6 months ago and the relationship between him and I has changed considerably.


My feelings for him have not changed but it feels as though he now keeps me at arms length. He will not go public with our relationship. We only see each other privately when he comes to my place. That is usually 2 or 3 times a week. He is really busy with Work and travels away quite often. When he is with me he is extremely affectionate and we laugh together all the time. The rest of the time, I rarely hear from him.


The divorce is going through but wont be final for another 2 or 3 months. He still Wears his wedding ring and says that he must do Things in his own time and if i push him on this, he shuts Down and wont talk to me.


Am I being used here? My head is saying one thing but my Heart is saying something completely different.



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Yup....used. He needs to make sure wifey doesn't know about you or it will be used in the divorce.

He won't be seen in public...which means...just sex at your place.

He is keeping his distance because he isn't leaving the frying pan to jump into the fire.

You are the bridge from married life to single life.....


And any relationship that must be kept secret (work/wife) is doomed to failure.

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If the divorce has not been finalized, then he is probably taking his lawyer's advice and not allowing her lawyer to get wind of his extra marital affair in case it could cause him to lose even more in the divorce than he already may be losing, depending upon the tone of it. It's a good idea to not have a bunch of witnesses seeing you two being all lovey dovey when he is still technically married to another woman. It just makes sense.




No. You are not being used. You are allowing yourself to be used. He's doing no more than you are allowing him to do.


And yes, he must do things in his own time and according to his attorney's instructions. Such is the deal when dealing with another woman's husband. He doesn't have to take his ring off if he doesn't want to because he's still married. In fact, prepare yourself to be put further at bay once the divorce is final--he may not want to jump from the frying pan back into the fire once he's gotten divorced. He may just want to be free of relationships for the time being.

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The biggest question I have for you is this- How much of what he is telling you is actually true?

Either he's lying to you and not really getting a divorce or he doesn't really want to have a relationship with you, possibly both.


A lot of alarm bells going off- only a few months into marriage and already calling it quits? If that doesn't send up some serious red flags for you, I don't know what does.


Do you know for certain that he is actually getting a divorce and not just lying to you? A lot of men pull this line out when they actually have no intention of leaving their spouse. They just use the OW/OM for as long as they are able.


Why would he not call you? Probably because he doesn't really care about you.


I can't say how he feels, but I can tell you how you should feel- CAUTIOUS!!!!!!!!


Even assuming everything he told you is true, do you really want to date someone who is newly divorced? There is SO much baggage that comes along with that. From everything you did say, I don't think you are really high on this guy's priority list. You are a person of convenience.

When it's convenient, he'll be with you. When you aren't- he won't be.


He's out of town a lot- How do you know he's not bringing other women into his bed? You don't. If he'd cheat on his wife OF A FEW MONTHS so easily, rest assured he is most likely not being "faithful" to you.


You aren't really in a relationship. You are a friend with benefits. Considering his lack of care and respect for you, I don't think he has any real intention of making you any real part of his life. If you're fine being his plaything when he feels like it, keep being it.


But my advice to you is this,


Run the other direction from this loser. You deserve better.

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I was dumb enough to start an affair with a married man, over a year ago.


This says it all. I agree with your self-assessment. Starting the affair was dumb. Staying in the affair was dumb. Believing what he says is dumb. Not realizing that he's banging other chicks too is dumb. Thinking he is going to have a committed relationship with you is dumb. Assuming that his wife agreed to divorce or that everything he said was the truth is dumb.


You sound like a smart person who made a bad choice. Make the smart choice and end this. Clamming up is a red flag that he's doing things you wouldn't approve of and he doesn't want to jeopardize his side-sex supply. But in the long-run, he is not going to end up with you.


Men rarely want to marry the mistress. How can he respect a woman who would sleep with a married man? Yes, a double standard indeed.

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So he is a married man who is allegedly going through a divorce, having an affair with a co-worker.... How exactly do you want to go public with this?


Other than that, you don't actually have a relationship since all he does is come over a few times per week to bang you at your place. This is really on par of a call girl, except you don't get paid for the service provided.


Enjoy the sex, but please don't delude yourself that there is anything more there. What married man hasn't cried to his mistress about how his marriage is horrible and how he is just so in love with the side dish.... I am beginning to wonder if there is something seriously amiss with female DNA that women throughout the ages keep falling for this same stupid line over and over and over again. I mean seriously, if your friend told you that some married dude is telling her how his wife is horrible and he is in love with your friend....wouldn't you slap her upside the head and tell her to run? Apply that same advice to yourself.

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I think this is a bit unfair. Yes she shouldn't have been messing with a married man, but you have nothing to assume she is just being banged. He followed through on leaving his wife. The lawyer will have indeed told him to wait for it to be final before being public with a new interest.

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