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I don't think I made the wrong decision but something still feels wrong


fonoma

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I've been sitting on a lot of self-doubt and confusion about my feelings towards my boyfriend of 7 months and whether or not they have suddenly changed or if they were always like this and I was slowly coming to terms with myself. He is finishing up his last year of college while I'd just finished school myself last May and just exactly a week ago (it feels like it's been weeks) he came back from a three week winter break with his family in a different state to find that out of nowhere I was seriously doubting our relationship. There was almost nothing ever wrong with our relationship and we hardly ever fought. When we did, it was mostly minor and it was mostly me who had a problem with something; sometimes it was petty, sometimes it was not.

 

TLDR: I'm trying to express why my relationship didn't feel right to me even though my boyfriend is perfect and I should be writing this in diary not a forum but I'm looking for validation because I still feel confused and want help That's the honest summary.

 

Since the beginning of the relationship I was staying at his place almost every night and we spent practically every weekend together. At first it made sense because when I met him I had just graduated and moved back to this city and so I was still living with my parents in the suburbs and working downtown where he also happened to live, and I just couldn't stand the commute and traffic. After a few months I finally found my first apartment that was much closer to downtown and was extremely excited but for the first month and a half I was never there and actually felt very uncomfortable and unhappy with being home by myself so I again spent all of my time at his place. I was frequently stressed by this, however, because I care very much about exercise and eating healthy and would always have to worry about packing my clothes and meals for the next day and dealing with long-ish hours at work and not having time for anything, coming back from work only to find him playing video games for hours because he got out of class already and didn't work most days while he was in school (we work together, he's an intern while I'm full time.) Also, since moving back I have been in various stages of marathon training and have become very passionate about running with my running club and on my own, but these were things that he either didn't value (eating healthy– he won't even touch anything green, or "weird") or very unfortunately couldn't do with me (he broke his neck when he was 13 and has been in a wheelchair ever since– though he actively plays wheelchair rugby and is completely independent and fine before I came along.)

 

We vary quite a bit personality-wise: he's extremely charismatic, outgoing, handsome, positive, and always silly and loud while I'm very quiet, shy, and outwardly much more reserved though when I'm comfortable and in good company I too am silly and outgoing, it just takes more to get it out of me as an introvert. His family is very wealthy, his parents divorced when his dad cheated on his mom, and he has some very strong opinions about poverty, wealth, and personal and fiscal responsibility that sometimes rub me the wrong way. However, we're both intellectual and enjoy debating and seeing another viewpoint that isn't our own and can do this without any hurt feelings. We have even started working together as a business pair. I always thought if nothing else, I loved being with him because we literally worked so well together and our skills complemented one another, and to make it seem even more perfect I thought I could love him.

 

I loved spending my down time with him: we'd be lazy on weekends after I came back from my 5:30am Saturday long runs and he was just waking up, and I'd finally found someone I liked enough to enjoy not going out and doing much and with whom I was fine just playing video games with at home all Sunday. We also did get out and explore– we once took a random weekend to go to the coast with another couple, friends of ours(his) that took some convincing on his part and we'd go out drinking downtown with coworkers and such and we had a lot of fun, by both staying in and going out, so it wasn't that we were lacking in that area.

 

I'd always had an idea of what I'd like to do with a boyfriend before I ever met him, however, and I feel like I'm being completely irrational and unfair for expecting a perfect boyfriend to fit my every need and desire. I want to finally find someone who I liked enough who would do things I really dreamed of doing, like exploring cities and traveling (I am still passionate about architecture and the urban environment as that is my degree), I want someone who is passionate about food and healthy living who wants to try new recipes with me, and someone who I can go hiking with or camping with for a whole week because I never could with my friends from school because we were always so busy.

 

I don't need to find another runner but I want someone who cares about physical activity, going for random walks with me for fun, and I feel like my boyfriend was really starting to do a lot of those things with me but maybe I just wasn't patient enough or maybe I shouldn't have expected him to do any of those things as I don't think they were as important to him as they are to me, regardless of his disability. When my mom found out I was dating a guy in a wheelchair, those are the first things she asked me about because she knew that I wanted to explore and be active and she thought I'd be very restricted with him, which usually wasn't the case, but she had a point. I always just told her I'd find friends I could do that with if it mattered so much to me, but I still haven't made any close friends of my own, which depresses me sometimes.

 

Another issue I started experiencing was that I was never sure if I was ever passionate about him. I find him very attractive and always saw past his chair but I don't know if I was ever attracted to him enough. Sex felt like a chore and it probably was more work for me given the circumstances but I'm certain if I felt right about him that wouldn't have mattered. He was very passionate and tender and loving but I'm afraid my love for him was more platonic, thus the lack of desire on my part. Maybe this is the number one reason I feel like I want to move on and explore other relationships, though it's not the only one. This brings me to another point though, that I began feeling concern that the more serious things got with us the harder it would be to get out of it and I was starting to feel trapped. I started looking around more at other guys and when he was gone for break for three weeks I got very comfortable in my apartment at last and really started feeling good about being alone, single, and doing my own thing. And the real kicker? Another guy started taking interest in me and I didn't immediately shoot him down, though I let him know I had a boyfriend which he seemed disappointed about.

 

Since I don't have any close girl friends (or any friends in this city) that aren't also his, I had next to no one to talk to about these things other than my parents and this guy who liked me. I knew him for a little while but wasn't that close at first as we mostly just talked briefly on facebook about running-related things. I guess because he was interested in me he also took an interest in my relationship and started trying to help me vent and asked me about how it was going and was actually the only person I really got to talk things out with. I felt that he was really kind and helpful as he had gone through something similar a while ago and broke it off to live life on his own after getting too committed too early in life. He never pressured me into breaking up or anything and even admitted that he was a little biased in his advice but said he'd be there if I needed someone to talk to, though he started flirting a little bit more since he first expressed an interest. But I think talking about his is a whole 'nother post and I've already sleeplessly rambled for far too long...

 

Basically I want to know if I was right for breaking it off with my boyfriend. I'd explained to him mostly that I wasn't ready to settle and was uncertain about our future. His response to that was if there was nothing really wrong, why fix it, while my reasoning is if it's not going anywhere, why waste each other's time?

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He wants the status quo because it worked for him. You wanted more.

 

You did the right thing. You are going through a stage in your life where you want to do all these things and have all these goals.

 

I would not lean on this other guy though. He does have an agenda. Take the time being single to do everything you want to do.

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Congrats!! You didn't settle!

 

One of the top reasons a relationship works is because of how you spend your leisure, your briefs and practices! You didn't have that going on together - food, activities, lifestyle! I'm glad to hear of someone listening to their needs, and taking action towards being with someone that's the right fit for you!

 

Good for you!

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I really didn't expect to see such feedback! Thank you guys– that is very comforting to hear that I'm not a complete monster for doing this to him, as I do feel really awful still. We didn't have a very official, "clean" break-up yet as it kind of just came out yesterday evening, though I'd brought up this topic last Monday already. He thought it was just a passing phase and that I'd gotten over it so he's still extremely shocked that this happened.

 

What I learned that really surprised me yesterday was that a few months ago he was actually considering dumping me! And my first thought was "Why didn't you?" I definitely would have been upset but I would have gotten over it relatively easily I think. It's just news to me that he actually didn't like me as much as I thought he did early in the relationship because of our personality differences. He wasn't as excited about my more introverted and quiet experience of life but said he started to love me more than ever lately. And now he's been texting me about how distraught he is and how he wants to give me time to think like I asked because he wants me back. But I don't want to go back... and I don't know how to say it

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