I am lost and could really use some help. PLEASE!

[jdb1811]

Hey everyone, I'm a first time poster. I was hoping to get some advice on a situation that has developed over the course of the last year. Any input would be greatly appreciated.

 

In November of 2012, I began dating this girl that I had met after we began talking that October. After some time, I had fallen for her and I was in love. Just some background on me... I'm in law enforcement. And during the initial months of our relationship, I spent Sunday night through Friday afternoon at a live-in police academy. We talked every night, but we only saw each other on the weekends. Once I graduated from the academy, I suppose that's when things began to change. Working in law enforcement and working shift works can take its toll on any relationship. But I noticed a change in her. We went from 16 weeks of only seeing each other on the weekends to me being home for good. I thought with me being around more, we could go closer. I guess I was wrong. Once I returned home, our relationship was a roller coaster. I was so in love with this girl and it seemed like on our best days, she hated me. There was so many red flags that I should've recognized, but failed to see them. One minute she was showering me with 'I love you's' and the next minute she was distant and cold. She would lie to me about having to go to work, while instead she would be home at her apartment hanging with her roommates. Any argument that we had- big or small- she would bring her friends into it. Naturally they would side with her. On one occasion, she told me that she wasn't sure if she could see me anymore because it meant that she would have to choose between her friends or me.

 

Over the summer, she decided that she wanted a two week break. I was hurt but not surprised. I tried to avoid contact with her and give her the space she asked for. Yet she would call or text. It was during this break that I got a glimpse at her true colors. We were on a break, yet she called- after two days of no contact, asking me if I could take care of a ticket she got for speeding. It was also during this break that she began messaging an old flame. And by messaging, I mean of the sexual nature. After two weeks, she decided that she wanted to get back together, but only if I agreed to change. This was so confusing, because up until this point I wasn't sure what I had done that needed changing. But I agreed. I thought we were back on track and things were good. She continued with the sexual messages with this guy. One day while helping her move out of her old classroom, I found a whole bunch of "50 Shades of Gray" type messages between her and said guy. She quickly deleted the messages, told me I was seeing things, and began to cry telling me that she wants a relationship with me more than anything. A week later, we drove 14 hours to a wedding back in my hometown. Things went well. Until I discovered even more messages. At this point I was fed up. Once we got back home, she told that I needed to get over what happened or else we couldn't be together. Mind you it had been less than a week. At that point, I decided to break things off. It was a nasty break up, to say the least. She told me that she hopes I get shot while at work... Great thing to tell a cop. She sent me a wonderful picture of letters that I had wrote her- torn into shreds. And her final act, telling me that if I ever spoke to her again, she would call my own department on me and she really didn't want to get my job involved, but she would. I was crushed by this cold heartedness. I could not believe that this was the girl I fell in love with. A few weeks passed and I was invited over my partner's house to watch a game and have some beers. She happened to live in the same complex. She had seen my vehicle and called my own department on me! Crazy stuff.

 

A month passed and I received an email from her, asking if I could watch her dog for a week while her and her girlfriends moved into a new apartment. For some stupid reason, I agreed. A week turned into four months. During those four months, I tried so desperately to work on things. She would come over and she apologized for everything, told me she loved me, and that I was it for her. I bought into that lie, knowing deep down that maybe it wasn't true. After four months, we got into a big argument and I told her I was fed up with all of the lies, manipulation, and her using me in every way. She told me that I was too good for her and she was too messed up to be in a relationship. The next day she stopped by, grabbed her dog. During the ensuing weeks after telling me that she couldn't be in a relationship, she joined a dating website, and told me that if I ever spoke to her again she would get a restraining order. Everything was always taken to extremes with her.

 

I'm sure this all sounds crazy, but it has been a few months now and I am at a loss as to what to do. I've tried to reexamine everything that happened over the year. I gave her 100% every day and in the end, my heart gets shattered. I am lost and I have no idea on what to do. Everyone says I'm better off. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't love her. I ended up taking a position with another agency two hours away. I'm leaving in a few weeks and I'd like to write her a letter. Is that a good idea?

 

I know this post is long, but if y'all could help me out, I would appreciate it!

[dobbin]

You sound like a good man but you need to work on gaining some confidence and self respect/dignity.

There are so many red flags in this "relationship" you have with this girl. Clearly you see them too but for some reason you refuse to accept the truth.

She's manipulated you, used you, abused and tossed your feelings. She doesn't like you at all. She's shown that through so many of her inconsiderate, thoughtless and threatening words/actions.

Leave her alone. Do not go anywhere near her. Delete her from your life. Do not write her a letter (BAD IDEA). Do not text her. Delete her number.

 

Focus on improving yourself and stop throwing yourself at someone who doesn't want you. Start building or gaining back some confidence. No one deserves the kind of treatment. No one.

 

Good luck.

[mhowe]

No letter...no contact...aim for no memories.

That isn't love.

[Rabbit 5]

No letter...no contact...aim for no memories.

That isn't love.

 

That's so true...

[pokey]

This may be cliche, but 'actions speak louder than words.'

 

Her words simply mean nothing. She's immature, manipulative, and she's walking all over you and abusing her power because she knows she can. All she has to do is cry a little and tell you how much she loves you. You're smart enough to know this and I'm glad you're taking the next step. I know it's hard but I'd recommend no texts or a letter. This will just ensue an ongoing relationship, and you're free now- I'd take it while you can.

 

We fall into these things sometimes and it's okay. Just learn from past mistakes and know what red flags to look for, nothing in that nature is worth it in any way. You're much better than that, keep that confidence in yourself and nobody can take advantage of you again.

[lonely92]

This girl does not seem to care about you in the least.

 

You need to let her go, she will realize what she lost eventually.

[jbananas]

She sounds manipulative, and possibly like she might have a personality disorder. Some of her behavior reminds me of things my ex told me about his ex who has diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder. My sister also has this. It can be a MINDF*CK dealing with people like this. But unfortunately, they likely won't change and it will continue to be unhealthy for YOU. You have to end it and for good. My ex said she would do things like this to him all the time and then come back and it yo-yo'd him. He's still damaged by it and it really affected our relationship.

 

Look up Borderline Personality Disorder and the signs of it, and also "being in a relationship with someone with BPD" I am sure you will see many many things that feel familiar to you. You can't fix her or love her out of this. You have to, for your sake, end things with her and don't let her manipulate her way back into your life in ANY fashion or form. She might be a good person underneath that but unfortunately, if she has that problem, it is bigger than her good and it will never been healthy for you.

 

You have to walk away.