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Do i forgive him? 6 year relationship from 15yrs old


adele21xx

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ello, I will try to be as breif as possible. I've just come on here for some advice as I am so lost, down, depressed, confused and do not know what else to do.

 

Basically I am 21 years of age now and my boyfriend has just turned 22. We were in the same year at school so known each other since we were 12. Since the first day I met him I had this weird feeling and knew I liked him and could see a future with him - crazy I know but when he first walked in I just had this strange feeling. Anyway I used to go round his house when I was 13 years old and we used to kiss but he woulnt offically be with me because he was scared what everyone at school would say. It was like this on and off until we started hanging out with the same friends and we officially got together when we was leaving school - I was 15 he was 16. And we've been together ever since, have a 21 month old son, just bought a house together (yes very young I know). Anyway this is all background to my situation. I was his first everything - first kiss, first person he had ever slept with etc. I trusted him with all my heart. He knew I had slept with 1 other person and kissed other poeple (yeah i know i was only 14 at the time) but that was before we were together.

 

Anyway things were fine up until we were together for about 3years. I had went out a couple of times when i was 17/18 years old and kissed other people. I went on holiday with my friend when i was 16 and kissed sommeone else so we had only been together a few months. I told him a couple of months down the line and he was very upset and chose to forgive me. Im an idiot and used to text other guys behind his back when I was 18 and just started going clubbing - WHY?! I HAVE NO IDEA!!! He knew about all this and still continued to be with me. When we was both 18 we argued so much but looking back we really did love each other. Anyway there was one time this guy text me to ask him to meet him and i said i didnt know and my boyfriend seen it and he was devastated. Even still to this day 3 years after it has happened he will still mention it like now and again if we get into a major major argument. So anyway one day when i was 18 years old i went away with my mates for a night out and he stayed at home and went on a night out with his friends. long story short i come home and seen pictures of him and this girl on facebook together on a night out, looked at his phone and they had been texting and he had had an hour long conversation with her on the phone after the night out. He even was texting her before he come and picked me up from the train station after coming home from my night away. Anyway I found out he had bought her a drink etc as one of my friends was at this club at the time. So a massive row kicked of about it all, we had a mini fight, he then told me he didnt want to be with me anymore and couldnt stand the accusations and that we argue to much and its finished - after 3 years it was over. I was devastated, called him like a million times, even turned up at his house begging for him back. He told me no. I was like this is because of her isnt it and he told me it wasnt.. anyway a day later for some reason I had realised I hadnt been on my period for ages. I did a pregnancy test. I was pregnant. I only did one because i felt , strange and didnt feel like me. I could not believe it - it was over and I was pregnant at 19 years old. I told him over text and he said i was lying to get him back. We met up and i show him the test - he told me he didnt want it and that we were too young etc. How could it have come at a time like this!! Anyway I told him i was keeping it regardless. He is a decent guy and told me he would support me regardless but did not want a baby.

 

Anyway we got back together but still argued a lot. As time went on I learnt to trust him again. He wasnt happy with the idea but as soon as everyone knew i was pregnant and we found out we were having a boy he had grew to it. We then moved into our first rented house 2 months before our son was born and things were great. I trusted him with all my heart. I thought he was happy. I give birth - and he was/still is besoted with our son - cant live with him out him - cried at the birth and adores our son. From this point they were my family, i was not interested in anyone else this was a fresh start for us 3. Anyway at this point when our son was born we had been together for 4 years. We did bicker a lot though and it just got worse. I dont even know why, i just didnt feel loved etc. Anyway 6 months later after our son was born he went on a night out away with his friends.. I really didnt want him to go but who was I to deny ONE night out.. afterall he did work 6 days a week to support us and I was off on maternity leave for 9 months.

 

So he went on this night out.. Next afternoon come back and he was very cold and off with me. I knew something had happened there. I asked him if he had cheated on me, he told me no. I thought i was going crazy. But i just knew. I asked his friend who he went away with if something had happened there (its a mutual friend) he told me no. Anyway a week later he was being so cold and I knew something waasnt right. So i looked at his phone records to find this same number he had been texting and calling continouly. I called it, it was a girl. I immediately confronted him and went crazy. I text her telling her does she know about me and his son and how we had everything together, a house, a car each etc. He broke down and told me he had kissed someone else and that I didnt make him feel loved - I was distrought - our son was 6 months old!! I couldnt believe it so I got my son and left for the night. He begged me not to leave, cried his eyes out and got on the floor and everything. I was just too angry. I went to my moms and went back the next day. I wanted to give it another go 1 day later, i obviously rushed into it all to quick again, and he told me he didnt want to be with me but begged me not to stop me from seeing our son. oh and just to drop in before i found out he had cheated he went and stopped at his mates house after a row and didnt speak to me at all and left me distraught. So when i told him i wna try he said he didnt. So I was so upset etc. ANywayyyy longstory short we ended up getting back together and giving it ANOTHER go. Things were fine. 1 year on we then moved into another rented house then finally saved up enough to buy somewhere together - my nan gifted me some money towards it too. I was over the moon - we had a mortgage at 21 years old!! So we moved into our house together September 2013 and thing were amazing, i was happy and he seemed happy too. Annyway I started university in September too so this was a busy month for me. Ive made new friends ther etc and went on nights out. I met this guy there and we had been texting each other about lectures - purely innocent. My boyfriend had seen these texts and said he was fine about it but would make remarks about it in bickering matches. So yes after about 2/3 weeks of us moving in we started bickering - though i thought we was fine!! As i said christmas was coming up so he had his works christmas party to go too. He was going straight out after work. That morning we had an argument and i told him i was again sick of him making me feel unloved etc by just not putting in any effort to the relationship. He then said I was splitting up with him because of this new guy id met at university. So he went to work with us on bad terms. I rang him when i had finished work (I work part time as well as uni) and we were fine - we talked normal and everything seemed okay! So off he went out to this works party - didnt text me all night from 4pm in the afternoon. I got worried so tried calling him at 11pm to see if he was okay n when he was planning on coming back. He text saying he didnt no. He arrived home at 5am - yeah 5 in the morning the following day saying they had gone on to a bar etc. We had a massive row as i was furious as to why he didnt text me. I was like i bet u cheated on me and all this and he was getting really angry about it. Anyway from that day on he was off with me. He was off for the next 2 days. I then broke out into an argument about it all demanding him to tell me why he is being off with me. He told me he didnt want to be with me anymore and that he is sick of thhe arguing etc.. I then thought he wouldnt leave - he did. He stayed on his moms sofa up until christmas (3 weeks?! just under). I didnt get it. I thought after a few nights at his mothers on the sofa with out me and his son he would be back. The 3rd night when i realised he wasnt coming back i just broke down and begged him to come back and he wouldnt saying he coulodnt stand me etc but still wants to see our son. I didnt want to be on my own so i went and stayed with my mom. she didnt get any of it either - she said she thinks theres someone else because of how he is being after his works night out. ANyway he would come round after work to see his son but take him to his moms so he didnt have to see me. He wouldnt be in the same room as me. I was so confused and didnt get what i had done and blamed myself. He continuously told me we were finished!!! I begged him for him back not knowing what i had done telling him i would change. He was having none of it. I missed him so much. A week passed and he was still seeing his son - me being an idiot thought having sex with him would make him come back. I had sex with him when he had put our son to bed - he told me that it was wrong and does not want to hurt me and it doesnt mean we're getting back together. We had sex and he left. Once again my pride out the window. This was not the guy i knew for 9 years - or my childhood sweetheart - but i would have done anything for him back. Anyway it was 4 days before christmas and he come round to see our son, they both fell asleep on the sofa so i took this opportunity to look though his phone. To my discusgst he had been meeting up with this girl with his mate from work and this other girl from work. so double dating if u call it. He had been round hers, stopped at hers. She has a 1 year old son. I could not believe it.

I put my son in bed and confronted him - he said me and him wasnt/arent together and it has nothing to do with me and that i shouldnt have gone through his phone. i told him he is never ever to step foot in the house again and will see our son on my terms and not when it suits him. He begged me not to stop me seeing our son and that he didnt give a about me. How could he do it to me right before christmas? I then found her on facebook and messaged her asking her how could she do this and did she know we were still sleeping together - no reply to this day.

 

So the few days passed and it was christmas eve - i just wanted my family back. He stopped over christmas eve and told me that he had kissed this girl but couldnt bring himself to sleep with her because she had a 1 year old son?!?! He does not work with this girl. Anyway I've had no choice to get back with him because im unhappy with or without him. I just keep wondering whether he is still texting her etc behind my back. he says he is sorry and if i cant learn to forgive him then me and him will never work and that he made a mistake. He said he went withsomeone else because he wasnt happy with me and said he doesnt know why he went ahead with buying the house. I hate him for what he has done. We agreed to give it a new start from the new year but how many chances can you give?!! I want it to work so bad but I have 0 trust for him. He also said someone treated him nice and shown him attention and that he fell for it. WHAT A LOAD OF RUBBISH!!! The thing is we are both so young and i think is this all too much for him and he's wondering what life would be like with someone else?

 

What do I do really? I love him with all my heart - we're all we've ever known i guess. He says im too needy but I just like to feel loved. I cant help it thats the way i am. Do you think I should just move on or just stick at it and try and make it work??

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Honestly, after reading all of that and the drama you both put one another through, I don't think you belong together. Too much hurt. Pain. Cheating on both sides.. Interesting that you've both told each other at different points that you feel unloved.

 

You have a child and you love each other. Those are motives to make it work, but not reasons to make it work. Realize the difference, and if you hope to have a stable relationship with him it has to be outside of the context of the external ties you have to one another. The relationship between the two of you -- a man and a woman -- is what needs to be worked out.

 

First, ask yourself are you sure this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with? Or is your fear of being alone the driving factor in reconciling? You've cheated on him several times by kissing others and having emotional affairs.

 

If the answer is yes, then there's a blog post that may help you. It's about breaking the cycle with multiple break ups. You will have to be honest with yourself and with him. Be vulnerable and open to turn this around, which is hard when there has been so much hurt.

 

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Best of luck, OP!

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Well you have cheated on him several times in the past so I don't know why you consider it so bad when he has done the same things you have. This is a toxic relationship and I know you have a child but if this guy really was the love of your life why would you have felt the need to kiss other people and why would you both feel unloved. I think you are making a big mistake if you get back with him and this pattern of one cheating on the other will only continue.

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Go and get relationship counselling. You both need to grow up! This is ridiculous and there is a child in the middle of all this...

 

Either break up now for good and share custody or both of you get help and learn how a healthy relationship works so you can stop destroying each other with all the cheating and lies

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Too much drama for one life. You got involved too early, too young. Now you have a house and a child, but there is no love. And you are just 21, dead God... You know, I almost ended up in the same misery, I am so glad I left before there was a child involved or any kind of shared property.

As shelty24 said, you either leave it for good, or you both try to grow up already and stop playing house.

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