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Cheating in a long distance relationship


Billylondon24

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Ok I'll try to keep this short:

 

The background: me and my girlfriend have been going out for 10 months and met whilst travelling and then we spent the next 5 months travelling together spending everyday together. We obviously got very close and at the end of the trip were in love and cared a lot for one another and got on really well. However we knew that we would have to do 6 months long distance as she is French and I am from London.

 

After travelling she started her studies again and immediately sorted out to come to London as part of her course to be with me, which commences in about 6 weeks time...

 

However about a month into our long distance relationship she went out with a couple of friends and got really drunk and said that when she woke up in the night one of the guys was cuddling her and tried to touch her. She said as soon as she knew what was happening she got up and started crying realising in her mid state of consciousness what was happening. I truly believe she didn't mean to do this because I've seen the guy and he is so fat and ugly (sorry to sound v immature here) but he is completely the opposite of what she goes for (not trying to big myself up here, just trying to paint a picture). Anyway, so I forgave her because of the circumstances and she was so remorseful about what happened, even though it wasn't too much of a big deal anyway- but it still over stepped the mark.

 

Then a couple of nights ago, she went to her university prom and once again got really drunk and kissed a guy who had messaged her a few weeks previously (he also has a girlfriend, in a fairly friendly manner). She said they kissed for a few seconds and that was it and she doesn't care one bit about this guy and never wants to see him again.

 

Now I'm in a hard situation. I get for anyone that going 6 months long distance where we only get to be with one another twice a month for a weekend at a time is hard- but should I try to keep making this relationship work? I've never done long distance before and it's so tough, and I get that these two incidents didn't mean anything to her and she was drunk both times. But what should I do? Break it off before she comes to London permanently? Or keep trying at in the hope that it really is the long distance situation that meant she wasn't fully satisfied... I really love her and find her to be so beautiful- I just find her to be a bit naive when it comes to other guys and their advances... And what's eating me up further is that it was just 2 pretty small incidences (with the first one barely counting?), as opposed to anything more sinister such as having sex, an affair etc...

 

Note: we are both 24.

 

Any advice would be appreciated...

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The first was sexual assault, plain and simple. The fact that you feel it "counts" at all is appalling.

 

The second was a drunken pash. What you choose to make of that is up to you.

 

Personally if you're going to get a chance to spend a bunch of time together I'd forget it and just look forward to being able to give it a proper shot. A drunken kiss isn't really a huge worry to me, especially as an isolated incident.

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To clarify- the first was not sexual assault... She said that she was being cuddled, he tried to touch her she then went to kiss him but she then woke up from her sense of drunken unconsciousness and that she didn't pull away from the situation as she said it felt comfortable. I guess what you say is true- it was all him this time- but at the same time she did not realise what was happening quick enough and she let herself get into that situation. She knew it was wrong, as there was some of it coming from her (such as her leaning around to kiss momentarily). Thoughts?

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Yeah, how dare that slurry allow herself to get touched up while she was asleep... Are you f---ing serious? *EDIT* Directed at top bloke *EDIT*

 

*EDIT* Ah, I understand. So she was half-asleep and drunk (which to me says a lack of control/awareness and not because she did anything reckless), a guy has come in and initiated intimate contact without her knowledge or consent, and she noped out as soon as she comprehended what was actually going on?

 

Thoughts? I think she was half-asleep; could've been dreaming for all she knew. As soon as she woke up she made the choice to leave. Exactly what betrayal happened here?

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It wasn't my choice to ask her to stop drinking. I think she realises that her decisions aren't great when she is drunk and she said even early on in our relationship that she can see that alcohol makes people weaker. That's her view. My personal view on alcohol is that it doesn't make me any weaker when it comes to choices with getting with anyone else (although other decisions I admit are impeded). I would never force her to stop drinking to stay with me- but the fact that she had agreed to stop makes me think she isn't lying and that both of these incidents could have been avoided if she hadn't have been drunk.

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You're both very young, there's lots of drinking and flirting going on -- frankly, to me, none of it sounds very serious. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt at this point.

 

I was a lot like your girl when I was her age, that didn't stop me from being faithful once my mind was set on it -- and my then-bf and I were married and stayed together 18 years! So I don't see anything too problematic or unusual with what's been going on with you and your girl -- especially as you'll soon be together again.

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In that case, it's great that she's making healthy choices. However:

 

the fact that she had agreed to stop makes me think she isn't lying and that both of these incidents could have been avoided if she hadn't have been drunk.

 

This is entirely the wrong way to look at the first incident. If I go to a bar and get drunk, someone doesn't like the look of me and glasses me while my back is turned, it could have been avoided if I hadn't chosen to go and drink. But no-one would even think of laying responsibility on me on that basis.

 

She didn't make a bad choice because she was drunk, she went to sleep while in the company of people who were supposed to be her friends and one of them tried to touch her up while she was asleep. That is entirely on him. Her only mistake was having trust in a friend.

 

What exactly does a guy have to do before people stop trying to blame a girl for his actions?

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I'd be lying if I said I hadn't made the same mistake.

 

I would have sent this in a PM, but you're too new, so I'll just say that you may find the follow links worth reading and possibly very uncomfortable. They aren't direct drop-ins that apply to the situation with your gf, but they do relate heavily to relevant concepts and attitudes.

 

link removed

link removed

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She put a stop to it straight away and the reason it happened was because the 3 of them fell asleep on the sofa and I'm guessing he was next to her. Apart from that she wasn't traumatised by the incident and she said she was able to put a stop to it straight away as soon as she fully awoke

 

Now we have cleared that up I need to talk to her and figure out what the hell happened with her kissing some other guy - this is what is tearing me up inside.

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Now we have cleared that up I need to talk to her and figure out what the hell happened with her kissing some other guy - this is what is tearing me up inside.

 

I suspect that it was a simple thing. A poor choice, but not a complex one or reflective of your relationship. Hope it works out ok for you guys

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As other people have said, the first one sounds like it was not her fault at all. I've been felt up in my sleep -- I wasn't in a relationship, but I didn't at all want it. It happens.

 

The second -- whether you consider it cheating is up to you. Again, it happens. I think in situations like this, it's not helpful to think of who's "right" and who's "wrong" -- if you can truly forgive her and move on, then do so. If it's something you can't get over, end the relationship. It's not fair to either of you to stay in a relationship where trust can't be reestablisbed.

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To clarify- the first was not sexual assault... She said that she was being cuddled, he tried to touch her she then went to kiss him but she then woke up from her sense of drunken unconsciousness and that she didn't pull away from the situation as she said it felt comfortable. I guess what you say is true- it was all him this time- but at the same time she did not realise what was happening quick enough and she let herself get into that situation. She knew it was wrong, as there was some of it coming from her (such as her leaning around to kiss momentarily). Thoughts?

 

Cheated on you twice and you're confused? Have some self respect.

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