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Can't seem to put it behind me, any help?


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Hello - I've never posted here before, but I just need some advice/help/words of kindness. My boyfriend of almost three years broke up with me a year ago - we had only moved in together a couple of months before. He treated me very cruelly, and seemed to become a different person overnight. I was deeply hurt, and pretty incapable of functioning for a good 6 months after.

 

It's been a year since all this, and thankfully I'm capable of going about my life. We don't speak to each other, but I know he's seeing another person...who he possibly cheated on me with. I have no proof though.

 

My problem is that, in the year that's gone by, I've had people wanting to date me, even on a more serious basis, but I feel completely numb. When I first met my ex, I knew I liked him a lot very soon in - and that's usually the case for me with people I date. Whilst I've gone some dates, and given people a chance, I just don't feel that same link. I haven't really felt especially attracted to anyone either. I have some issues with relationships because I grew up with an abusive father. I feel like these issues have been made almost unbearable after having my trust shattered last year. I know I should be feeling better, but I still feel bad about it, and I still miss having my ex in my life. We were best friends, and I feel lonely without him.

 

Many of my friends are getting engaged/moving in together/already in serious relationships, and I still seem hung up. What more can I do? I don't know if I can ever feel that way about another person. I worry this is going to continue to haunt me. I'm trying so hard not to let it, but he was pretty much the love of my life to date, and I think that until I meet someone else that I feel potential with, I'm still going to have him in the back of my mind.

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I'm trying hard not to, and I've been told similar things before, of course.

 

But I find it very hard, because I had such a bad time with my dad when I was a kid - that feels like an extra layer to things. Being with him was the first time in my life I knew what it was like for a man to be caring and considerate towards me, which made it all the more devastating when it ended. I'm not sure how you're meant to be positive about future relationships with men if you've been through bad experiences as a kid, and then a really heartbreaking experience with the man that you decide to trust and open up your feelings to.

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Who in the world is, honestly, baggage-free, even with years of therapy? My honest personal belief is that everyone has some insecurities or baggage from previous life events, and some things hurt you so deeply that, whilst you can put them behind you and move on (which I firmly believe I have) they will always affect you. Especially if it was something serious and ongoing.

 

My issues about my relationship with my dad are not ruling my life, what I meant is that they've been brought to the surface by what has happened...which I think is natural.

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I'm sorry for your pain-especially the pain about your father. That must be a very difficult thing to get through. The thing is we tend to attract the same things/people over and over again unless we specifically face the demons from our past, confront them and put them to rest so that they no longer have a hold over us. One great way to do that is through therapy/counseling. I've overcome some ugly things from my own family history and am ready to embrace a healthy relationship after a series of non-healthy ones. I hope you'll do the same for yourself...its the best give you can give yourself because it changes your whole life and outlook.

*hugs*

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Yes, everyone has baggage & issues, but how much they affect your everyday life is the measure of if you need to deal with them.

Yours are affecting you, to the point of being at a standstill in your life.

You really need to talk to someone to sort these out. A good counsellor will give you coping skills, other perspectives to think about & help you to heal and move on.

Good luck

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