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I fight people. And I am ashamed for my actions. What to do?


peter

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1) Whatever you read in my confession take it as a warning. An example of bad behaviour. I do not recommend any of what I do myself.

2) I don`t know but most of the time I feel very normal. I would say almost confident and secure. This didn`t happen to me in a month but now I have terrible depression and tension. I have no-one to talk to and don`t know what to do. Any idea, suggestion or advice might be helpful. Thank you.

 

The story

 

Cutting to the chase: It`s Saturday evening. I am stuck in a small city. I never belonged here and I have no one to talk to. I wanted to go to a tea room to read some books. But it was full of people and I could not be there alone. It would be shame. this is a small town and everybody sees you, judges you and talks about you. So I am sitting alone in the night in a park like some hobbo and don`t know what to do or where to go. I get angry and go to gym to get wasted.

 

I train hard. I feel sick, go to toilet, vomit what I can and train furiously. Than I go to boxing room and see one guy. He made me feel bad before and looks down to me. He thinks he is tough guy and performs his so called "boxing". After a few punches I know I`m gonna kick his butt and so I did. But I don`t feel better. What more, I feel terribly stressed now.

 

Here is the reason

 

As a younger guy I used to be insecure, brokenhearted and lonely. So I trained bock, thai box to waste myself and feel physical pain instead of mental. But people hated me for that. The more I fought the more they disliked me. But I could not stop. I had to feel pain and I had to relieve aggression on somebody otherwise I would go mad. It has been many years now and I feel like a normal person. Most of the time. But... evertime I fight I feel depression. Just today In realised this is the reason. I love fighting. I will not quit. but what do do??? And much more important, what do do now??? I feel so stressed and tensed I would cry if I could. I wanted to spent time in that pub with people. But I can`t maintain normal conversation now because people feel there is smt weird about me. Like everybody I meet I scare. I can`t control it. Moreover I feel so much shame I virtually would hide just not to get seen by anybody. I know this sounds psychotic but that`s how I felt for a couple of years and today it returned.

 

I`m gonna close my laptop, open a bottle of vodka and get wasted. Do not do any actions like that. this is not a solution, I`m just gonna turn off and get reseted until tomorrow morning.

 

I don`t know how to fight in future so any advice might be helpful. Also thank you for reading.

 

Peter

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just a little lesson from this evening: train smart. It might sound boring and useless to practice the same kicks and blows all over again without using true impact, just practising technique and agility but believe me, even with this little you can beat more aggressive and perhaps stronger opponent. Listen to your trainer. Don`t follow "cool" guys or even movies. It is the matter of practice and technique, not aggression or muscles. also train hard. Give your best but not at the expense of proper movement.

 

cheers!

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if you cant afford therapy, you might want to stop using alcohol and training as such because they havent helped you. you should watch video tutorials on how to adopt a diff attitude & mentality so you stop coming off 'weird or hostile' to others that continually making you unhappy... I noticed that people who tend to blame others for their resentment are usually just mad at themselves. life is too short to always be angry.

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I feel this way... i didnt want to hurt them, just outlass and strip their manhood right from under them- until i actually did it and felt bad. It was my way to show off my dominance over other males. I dont see anything wrong with it, but then again... i am usually the one who quickly escalates things if someone pushes me- but thats how i grew up.

 

When i was kickboxing i was my instructors best student, and there were guys who came in with issues, always hitting people harder than they were supposed to. They usually trained in something else, and i always believed they were showing off their style and trying to beat us, but my instructor knew they had some issue. He used to set up a match with me and them (just like the karate cobra kai movie, lol), just so i can knock some sense into him and so he could never return. Those were not good days, and i would feel horrible for fighting them.

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