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Advice or maybe I just want to write this down.


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Firstly I apologize for the length of this, you might want to get yourself a glass of wine before reading.. I was hoping to get some advice on my situation. I have written here before.. about the same person actually but things have moved on since then. I won't rehash that because that was long winded enough, but to quickly say I met this woman on a dating site back in June last year, we met up and had a lovely afternoon, just talking but we got on so well and found we had lots in common and I instantly felt so at ease with her. Over the next few months we text a lot and spoke on the phone sometimes, we would always chat for many hours about all kinds of things but meeting her again became a bit of a nightmare, she cancelled all the time, different excuses, usually work or illness but she always kept in touch.. I did sense something was up but I stuck with it because I liked her, maybe I was a bit blinkered with my feelings, but I'm only human right?


We did meet up again, once in September which again was a lovely evening and even ended with a kiss. Then over the next month or so she went a bit quiet, I got the sense when she did text something was not right, then one day I got a text from her saying she felt she didn't deserve me and that she was sorry, so I called her and we had a good chat, she was clearly trying to tell me something but we didn't really get to the root of it, she said her friend had told her if she likes me, she should just be honest with me but again didn't get anything out of her, instead we arranged to meet that weekend.. that was the last I heard from her for about 3 weeks, then suddenly I got a long text telling me how sorry she was, something had happened, a friend of hers had passed away, along with some other things that had gone on and she just needed some time, which of course I said was completely fine and I was here if she wanted someone to talk to. We met again just before Christmas and we had a good chat but then something else came out of her conversation.. on top of everything else that happened in that month, she mentioned her boyfriend breaking up with her.. that was a first, I did not know she was in a relationship.. so of course all my signs went up, am I being played or used here? Should I just get the hell out of there while my sanity is still intact!?


I didn't.. it's really hard to explain but she really is the first person I've ever met who makes sense to me, I can talk to her and tell her things I've never told anyone and she does listen to me, it's not all one sided, we both come from divorced parents where the father cheated, my dad is as narcissistic as you can get, and I know she is not like that, she listens to me and always texts me to ask how I am and what I've been up to.. self absorbed people tend to only reappear when they want something. Anyway after that night, she text me to say she had high hopes for next year and hoped I was a part of them. We also planned to meet in early Jan for my brothers short film that is currently playing at a festival. Over Christmas we text quite a bit and she was looking forward to seeing the film, then the first week of the year, she was quiet and distant again, last Saturday she asked if I was free for a chat, so I called her but about a minute into the call she asked if she could call me back in a few minutes, she never did. I text her on the Monday to see if she was okay and if we were still on for meeting on the Tuesday and she said yes but she was not feeling that great at all, but she would let me know what time she'd be done at work. The next day she text me quite late to say she'd been delayed at work and wouldn't be able to stay for the film, could we just get a drink instead. So we met up at a pub and she was clearly a bit upset, someone else in her life when she was growing up had passed away before Christmas and she had just heard about it today, so I gave her a hug and she kissed me and sure I allowed my feelings for her to take over the reality of the situation and I kissed her back. She told me she liked me and was attracted to me but just felt she wasn't in a position for anything to happen right now which is fine, I'd already told her last year the last thing I'd want to do is pressure her into something when she's not ready. Anyway I made her come to my brothers film, which I think was a mistake, she has told me she is quite socially anxious and of course half my family were going to be there. She met my mum and my brother, who unfortunately didn't take too much notice of her which she clearly felt herself because within minutes of us getting there she told me she wasn't going to stay for the film. I didn't push her, but I didn't want to leave her alone so I left with her and we went to another pub, she got quite out of it that night and at one point she totally broke down and confessed a lot of things to me. She said she felt a connection to me that she'd only felt once before in her life, she was with a guy in her 20s, she'd known him all her life but sadly he passed away, she talks about this guy all the time and he clearly is a huge influence on her life and will always be a part of her, it's amazing how she talks about him, but she has told me she hates how much he is still an influence, I don't think it's a bad thing at all. So it meant quite a lot to me when she said that to me, but she also told me how she is terrified of me hurting her or cheating on her but she also admitted she has lied a lot and has also cheated herself so is equally as scared that she will hurt me. I've never cheated on anyone but I'm no angel either, I have lied before, I've lied in relationships.


At some point during the evening she also received a text from her ex saying something along the lines that she had completely ruined his life.. and from that point on she became quite distant to me, understandable I know. I wanted to make sure she got home safely, so I took her home, first time I'd seen her flat and wow, what an amazing place, I actually felt quite at home there, I said we similar, well this pretty much cemented the fact. Even her bedroom reminded me of me, ashtrays filled with cigarette butts, half empty bottles of alcohol everywhere, although I don't drink nearly as much as I used to. I stayed with her that night, although nothing happened, I am not the kind of person to take advantage of someone, although I fear she is perhaps someone who has been taken advantage of in her life. Here lies my problem.. do I walk away or do I stay? I care about her so deeply, I feel like I've known her longer than I have done, she just makes sense to me and I enjoy spending time with her when we do. I am sure she has convinced herself why I'm not a good match though, she over thinks about stuff all the time.. well clearly I do too. I know by sticking around there is the possibility I am going to get burned.. do I want that for myself? Should I instead meet someone who will just love me with no problems, go for that perfect life that everybody wants? Does that even exist? My best mate is married, has children, the job, the car, the house yet he and his wife bicker and argue all the time and he is so under her thumb it's painful to watch.. I do not want that, that's for damn sure! She has lost so much in her life and I feel people have treated her so badly, but if you strip away everything bad in her life, she is one of the most beautiful, soulful person I have ever met, she has an incredible imagination and mind that is filled with wonderful memories and stories of her past, those things that seem insignificant to other people, but mean the world to her, songs and movies that make her cry or laugh.. yes I am clearly smitten.


I'm not saying that I want a relationship with her right now, I don't think she is in any position for that kind of commitment, but is it safe for me to be there for her as a friend? I clearly have feelings for her, is that safe for me or her for that matter? I know I am scared of losing her friendship or that connection between us, if I step too far back or give her too much space, there is every chance she will meet someone else, although I know if something is to be, it will be, right? I admit though, in my own selfish way I am annoyed that I have met someone like her and this is what is happening and it's not working out. Shoot me for that comment.


I emailed her after the other night to say I feel like I should give her some space, but I will not walk away from her, so I guess I have already made my decision, she hasn't replied to that. I guess my main concern is if she is just using me emotionally or if what she says is real and that she genuinely does like me but doesn't want to hurt me.. if it's the former, I know I will have to walk away. If it's the latter, I don't want to walk away, I think too many people nowadays run away from problems when they think they are going to be too much to handle.. the internet seems full of 'advice', but the strength and integrity of people seems to have been lost somewhere along the way.

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