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I don't understand his logic


ALovingKitten

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I was in a relationship with someone for almost 8 yrs. First friends then dating then engaged then back to friends then back to dating/reengaged and now broke up. But still friends so he says.

He decided he met someone else he'd like to date was a shock because he told me after a week long time time between us. I didn't take this great but gave him his time break which amounted to over 2.5 weeks. Was only to be one week originally but I gave it.

 

For last 7 plus years we've told each other love you xo or love you kiss at end of calls we have always been loving to the other an close. I was told he went on only 5 dates in over a month, and didn't see whomever xmas /nye. So I figured how close can this relationship be? You don't spend 1st xmas nye together? I am dating but not having sex with anyone... I thought he wasn't either too because at xmas he told me no sex happened. Now I heard he had a BJ and possible sex I felt crushed but then he starting only signing Love and his 1st initial on texts etc. I still put Love you xo same as always now he puts only his initial. NO love and we have fought on this.

 

He put love always before even we not dating only friends. I thought it was because maybe serious with this other girl and doesn't want to tell two people love you reasonable but isn't tell other love you and isn't even 1 person now says dating "others" plural... ? So playing field is NOT in any relationship in for the sex I guess. so why does he tell me all of a sudden putting love isn't fair to others and inappropriate to tell me now after saying it dating or not for 7 yrs? He is 30. I felt so upset and didn't understand because he admitted 2 days he STILL loves me. So why not type Love etc..he doesn't have to type I love you or even Love you only Love and his name etc. I feel like he is trying to make me feel worthless to him so I give up and go away for good? I don't understand.

 

This is a man who told me repeatedly over all these years I love you I will always love you there will never come a day I won't friends or otherwise you are special to me. Now his suddenly changes his tune do you think this is him doing this or one of the girls saw he told em love and got on him and he told me can't now?

 

Also on the not appropriate comment he makes he has done something with me 4-5 times that would NOT be appropriate either but seems to be ok with it because is something he wants but the thing I want one word is inappropriate?

 

If this post doesn't make sense please ask me questions to explain better I am still upset so my thoughts are stumbled when I think about this.

He can put Love as a long time friend can't he I tell male and female friends love xo all the time.

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Thanks for replying, mhowe.

 

He started removing love after he had the sex but I am not sure when he actually had sex he last signed Love his initial Jan 6th I think. Which he switched from Love you xo the usual end off. But he isn't in a committed relationship because he is dating more than 1 person as I was told. So he can't love either of them can he? Not at this early stage. I cried when he said had a bj and possible sex because I hadn't with anyone yet because still IN love with him. I thought he felt same. So the having sex with another(s) is why the removal of love? Not because he claims it is inappropriate and unfair to the others involved?

 

You feel he probably lied when he said he does still love me? Loving someone for that long is hard to move on. I thought friendship would remain strong like before why change that too because he turned 30 do you think? I am just hurt and he doesn't really care is my problem not his...said to me still willing to be your friend and be kind to you but don't tell me what or how to type or talk to you. But I was only questioning why after all this time the change. He'll never cry over me so he can't understand the pain inside me over this. I don't feel time is healing anything for me so I can successfully move on and I am left in the dust of his moving on.

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Would it be better I delete his info and have no contact till I cried enough over him and sort of healed? I tried to do that this month but he kept texting me to see where I was if okay but he wasn't too worried because he only called once while still at his work in the daytime I missed call and didn't call back until few days after. First 2 texts had Love last 2 days later didn't. Guessing sex happened during that time. Is my fault because I am too attached to him was young when we met so feel like my whole adulthood has been with and knowing him. Thanks again.

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I think that young people use the word love because they think they should. And they confuse love and infatuation. I think he still likes you but isn't "in love" anymore. At your age....love tends to come and go rather quickly. And I think it is a good idea NOT to have sex at your age...because it makes the breaking up harder.

 

So...since he is paying attention to another girl....I think you should just stop texting him now and hang out with your friends. A boy should not be talking to you about bj with other girls. It is very disrespectful to you and to her.

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I think that young people use the word love because they think they should. And they confuse love and infatuation. I think he still likes you but isn't "in love" anymore. At your age....love tends to come and go rather quickly. And I think it is a good idea NOT to have sex at your age...because it makes the breaking up harder.

 

So...since he is paying attention to another girl....I think you should just stop texting him now and hang out with your friends. A boy should not be talking to you about bj with other girls. It is very disrespectful to you and to her.

 

Oh you made me giggle on ages you thought we were maybe my typing comes off immature or the situation does Idk. Sorry I am soon to be 25 he is 30. And on the BJ he brought it up because I said he told me no sexual contact and pow! he dropped that on me and said some vague "yeah" about sex too. I honestly didn't want to know because now I can't stop focusing on it and it caused more hurt then good. Maybe he figured yeah I'll let her know and that will be it off on her marry way.

 

Why do you say we cannot be friends? Because of the long romantic history between us? Or because I am still in love and he doesn't give a damn either way?

Thank you.

 

Why is the forum changing words I spell I wrote mErry not mArry and before I wrote Jumbled and it changed it to Stumbled no idea why?

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I'm posting from a desktop lol?

 

Here's the kicker on this. I told me all you need to do after he stopped saying texting the word Love at all if you admit you no longer love me I will go away move on because I definitely will not make a man who does NOT love me tell me Love to me and he said and I quote exactly " I cannot tell you that because that would be a lie" he is deliberately keeping me hanging on on hopes of love, why? Just a fun game off mess with her, I feel that time I took for myself he got pissy about. But things were hard for em and I started cutting again I needed distance for myself and during my "blackhole"week that is what he called it to me he had sex with her(them). Telling me he doesn't love me is the closure I need why won't he give it to me? The sex with others I did tell myself he can't love you and F others because I go off myself I am dating someone but have not had sex with them kept it very casual because I assumed he was too. Jokes on me. I feel like one of those clingy needy girls who never know when to let go.

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I think it would be good to go no contact. You still love him and he has moved on. Speaking to him is only going to hurt you and stop you from moving on and healing.

 

I know it must be really hard but things ended for a reason and I think oneday you'll be happy again with someone else.

 

Oops never saw your reply SapphireNoir10 when I posted. Thanks for replying too.

 

It is hurting me because I am reduced to begging for a word Love off him, bothers me he cannot keep long term promises like I thought he could is miserable to see someone differently then you saw them as for all these years. Who changes that fast when they hit a certain age..is 30 is own life crisis age idk. I wanted to grow old with this man, have babies and wished for our happy ending so badly. I always felt loved by them and now so quickly nothing like he is angry at me and punishing me for reasons I don't know about. I assume the new one ones must be hotter than me and more showy on his arm. Lol I am about to turn 25 and maybe now too old for him laughs because could be how he is thinking. Pretty sure new ones are 2-3 years younger than me. I won't ask for words of love anymore and try to fade away gradually won't hurt any less for me I lost a cat 6 years ago and still cry and miss her.. I don't get over things quickly when I loved them. Curses!

 

Thank you both very much. *hugs*

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He's keeping you hanging on because...well why not? He gets to have your attention and love and date around as well. He's getting his cake and eating it too!!

 

You deserve so much more than a man that will mess with your head after breaking your heart. If he had any respect or love for you he'd leave you alone to move on and heal not keep you hanging on.

 

You are 25...you have all the time in the world to find a man that deserves you and one you can have all that you wish for with. I think everything will turn out fine you seem like a nice person with a lot of love to give. Just don't give it to the wrong person.

 

Theres no such thing as being too old for a guy at 25 lol!

 

Show him that YOU are in charge of your life and destiny. Not him. Go no contact. No texting. No calls. No facebook. Nothing.

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He won't say "I don't love you"...because he wants a back up in case this doesn't work.

You don't need him to say it....he is showing you.

You don't fade out gradually. You stop. Today.

 

Oh gawd, reading both your replies got me crying dammmmmmmmmn. Not your fault things I need to hear probably things I deep down know but push away in order to protect myself. I have this vision of who he is and I feel he was same as me and I know I wouldn't do any of this to him so how can he do it to me. I'm not strong like he is I cannot dismiss people as easily or play mind games with loved ones. I'm not built that way, even if I tried to match his game play style I would feel sickened by myself. he knows I cry on this he heard it on phone plenty lately and all I get is "oh sweetie don't cry stop that!"

 

 

I feel like a back up.. so true. I hate that feeling because I want to be the one not the other one.

 

I said on phone when he let it slip with dating "other(s)" don't be sleazy or a player I don't want you to be sleazy and he laughed at me and said stop being silly.

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I know you are absolutely correct he has his ex girl still being that loving "sweetie" because it is what we'd always agree to be for each other no matter what... but obviously he has something better than me and why dismissing me in various ways. The not fair and not appropriate comments he repeatedly said is what hurts because why protect new peoples feelings and not the one he loved almost 8 yrs? Why do I suddenly no longer count? don't friends say Love you Love ya With Love Lots of love etc when signing things? Or saying bye in talks? Can love friends it doesn't have to be romantic love only saying I value you.

To me he is saying YOU have no value. Buhbyes without the actual byes.

 

I don't understand why he texted me so much on my time away and like each text was getting pissier at me when going unanswered. I respected his need for time why not respect mine too? then to label it my "blackhole" week was rude because I was depressed

 

I feel like he was the one for me like my soulmate we always found are way back to each other and I don't know what it is like not to have him in my life. I don't suspect we will ever date again after this. Only because can't love me and do these things to me. Is a coward not to say ok I don't love you. he is already being a bad guy in this so why not take the time to bring some honesty into it and be a good guy.

Thank you for kind words. I feel too old for him and he is 30 for gawd sakes. Maybe I lost my naiveness and youthful outlook as I close in on 25 and he wants a younger version to worship him in a way he is accustomed too.. I don't have a facebook one less concern at least is only texting mails and calls. I don't show up on his doorstep anyhow especially when not in a relationship.

 

I want to feel loved too. I'll try to go no contact again. If I could get some gfs to do a trip for a week or two would be great, go away be in the sun sand with people who do love me would make me switch my mindset. Winter makes it worse, especially here.

 

Thank you.

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Stop thinking these girls are better than you. They aren't.

 

As much as it hurts oneday you'll be able to see it is for the best. If he truly loved you or was the 'one' he would be with you regardless of anything else.

 

You can do it! Stick to no contact and show him you wont sit waiting in the wings for him to decide he wants you again.

 

Even if he came back would you really want someone whose treated you this way?

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He has broken up with you. You are.pretending that because you still are in contact, your relationship exists. It doesn't. He is dating others.

 

I am not pretending we have a romantic relationship, no... a friendship with love clearly still on my part, yes. It's funny because he lived in a fantasy world of online gaming for 15 years and I never played and I lived in reality and like you just said here I am in a my own self created fantasy world pretending re: him. I think I am trying to protect feeling more hurt.

Like you said dating "others" when someone says that specific word it is meant to say more than one or do I assume that because someone else told me they thought he was just dating one person but that wasn't how he made me see it.

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Stop thinking these girls are better than you. They aren't.

 

As much as it hurts oneday you'll be able to see it is for the best. If he truly loved you or was the 'one' he would be with you regardless of anything else.

 

You can do it! Stick to no contact and show him you wont sit waiting in the wings for him to decide he wants you again.

 

Even if he came back would you really want someone whose treated you this way?

 

I only think better because couple years younger less demanding on him and happier to go with his way then maybe a girl whose known him as long as me we argue and I think at 30 he wants a good time, doesn't want to be with one girl. Idk. He won't give his real reasonings so I am left guessing. I am picturing big boobed bleach blondes BJ'ing him etc. giggling and so on. ( type he always comments on as hot)

 

Yes, I felt soulmate he obviously did not. I don't even think he believed in soulmates.

 

He apparently left to visit his parents yesterday because I got a text off him telling me he arrived safe, have a good weekend. Why is he telling me this news not the new ones? I assume out of habit of doing so for years with me. I didn't reply feel better he is out of town actually.

 

I might still want him down the 'years' road if he matures enough to see how he plays a part in hurting others and shows empathy. Then again I hope to be with someone who wouldn't dream of ever dismissing me way he has by then. Sometimes I wish men and women who callously hurt people they are supposed to love could feel all the pain their partner feels from being hurt and understand completely. Sort of like in that movie Powder where he lets the hunter feel the deers pain and it changes how the hunter sees everything. Odd reference but popped into my mind.

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He is surely texting his current gf's as well. And he is 30...he isn't going to all of a sudden mature. Waiting on that is like waiting for a comet.

 

He would only text them he was in if they specifically requested it... only reason I got those texts is because I worried he died once when he didn't text when in and called his moms panicking. If the others don't ask for those texts he won't send any. I am sure he send texts LOTS to them during his work day and night definitely. I don't care about that I don't enjoy texting too much. I like phone calls more...which of course he HATED talking on the phone...2-5 mins was about it for him.

 

No at 30 he is how he probably will be but I still love him and would hope for better. Not going to be delusional to expect better right now. What bothers me is I think he doesn't have another gf if he is dating around they are not gf's they are basically F buddies to me. Hard to let go even when I've been mostly let go.

 

This recent enough for me it still hurts me I know I should give up but I want to keep my friend at least somehow but I cannot be close when I am hurting I feel angry with him.

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