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My husband and I got married because we were having a baby so we rushed it but we were together for 3 yrs before we had our baby. When we were dating, it was an up and down but content with each other for the most part. Although, in the back of my head he wasn't fully with me, I feel like I was just there for him. Convenient and too naive to even realize too late. I've always felt though how we never have any conversation about us when we do we end up fighting. We never address our issues in person always by me texting him or emailing him because I didn't want a fight. I always questioned his feelings for me because of the way he is with me. He never want to talk about it. He says he loves me and I know he does but I don't think he is in love with me.

 

Tonight we just had a blown up fight as I was opening up to him about something from when I was younger and it was something really bothered me and he made a joke about it. It was a bad joke and I know he was trying to lighten things up as that is what he said. but I feel like my emotions are a joke to him, everytime something is bothering me.. He just makes jokes instead of sympathizing.

 

Whenever I am not in my 100% happy, will do everything for him type of wife. He is not there.

Last yr I ended up in a hospital because I had some type of crisis because of my aunt and grandfather had passed. I needed badly to talk to someone and I couldn't sleep. I wanted to talk to my husband and for him to comfort me.. But he keeps saying that's life stop crying. And he would just ignore me. I did not sleep for 3 days I believe and this had gotten me to hospital.

 

I've been out and not on medication anymore. I've done some theraphy but I still have this feeling where I wanted my husband there but until now he still disregards my feelings.

 

I didn't mean to blame him for my breakdown. But as my husband, he didn't deal with it. He would send me to my parents house and would visit me there or when I was at hospital he visits me.

 

I just don't see that love in a man to his wife although he always say he loves me and he does do things to always try to make me happy if I don't like something especially about our house and stuff. I get to decide and he asks me all the time. He always listens to me as long as it has nothing to do with us. And when I do complain about something's he would try to change in some ways. So I have No issue with that.

 

but for some reason I don't feel his love in a deeper sense and just now trying to talk about it, he started fuming and couldn't cope with it and told me not to talk to him but speak to my parents or sister about my issue.

 

So I just stopped but felt crushed.

 

I love him but I don't think he loves me. He only loves me when I'm happy.

 

Or am I being too sensitive? And being too hard on him and I know he didn't want that to happen.

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Yes we should try it. But for now, I would like to know if all men are like that about expressing their feelings and conflicts. He always tells me that I take things to heart and that I question everything. Just let things go and live. He doesn't like talking about past stuff. Esp about if he would have married me if not for our son. He always says maybe. Idk stuff like that.

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That's life & get over it, isn't too supportive, at all. One doesn't deserve to be spoken to that way, while grieving.. wow.

Yes, women are more 'sensitive' most times, BUT men can also be sensitive, i've seen it.

 

As you said> " He doesn't like talking about past stuff'

I feel he doesn't want to face ANYTHING that's a negative.. kinda like in 'denial' rather than face it.. or deal with it. (that's his choice, but he should not be acting this way towards you about it as well..).

 

I suggest you discuss this with your therapist AND get back on some med's to help you out.. if possible. Or, you can look at alternative.. go see a health food store & talk to them about remedies for depression etc.

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Yes we should try it. But for now, I would like to know if all men are like that about expressing their feelings and conflicts. He always tells me that I take things to heart and that I question everything. Just let things go and live. He doesn't like talking about past stuff. Esp about if he would have married me if not for our son. He always says maybe. Idk stuff like that.

 

He's a certain personality. Some men have more emotionally supportive, more decision-oriented personalities. But this is the one you chose, so this is the one you are dealing with. You are really going to get towards "accepting him" mode versus "hoping he will change" mode.

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I agree that it doesn't matter what other husbands do because this is the husband you have. Yes, he should treat you with more dignity and respect....that would be a great starting point for marriage counseling. It sounds like you never really felt like he was "the one" and maybe both of you have in the back of your minds that you only got married for the baby which might be causing some resentment on both sides on a subconscious level. Like you're both 'trapped' or didn't make the decision for the right reasons. Would definitely be something worth exploring at this point so whatever the feelings are, they don't continue to grow and eat away at your relationship.

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  • 2 weeks later...

He would talk about it briefly but he makes it feel like it's all in my head. And maybe it is and just my issues but he doesn't really show me that it's all in my head he would rather blame all of it and say that I belong in the past. And that was it.. And then I feel even worse.

 

I do accept his faults, but I do point out things that I believe when someone love someone it just comes natural. Maybe I am trying to make him love me more than what he can give.

I know he loves me in his own way and he tries to change the personality that bugs me when I do tell him but I feel like I can't be myself without him having to criticize me and we always ended up having disagreements. He tells me that is just how he is he will not change for anyone but when he does realize his wrongs he does try but I'm exhausted I feel like it's never ending and he also does the same way by correcting me as well when something he doesn't like. It's exhausting.

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Also when I'm crying he doesn't care and just ignore me. He doesn't ask or he just really doesn't care. I feel like I was really not his type but he just settled. He had made fun of my features when we were dating but I used to joke around about it coz at the time I didn't take his jokes seriously but now come to think of it maybe he was serious and I was just naive and dumb and also settled for him. I don't know what to think I feel hopeless in my situation. I want to be with someone who is my bestfriend as well as my husband where we can talk about anything and not about fight and try to change each other.

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Do you have any friends that you can turn to besides your husband?

 

Apparently you didn't "settle" for each other --- you were dating for 3 years and had a child together. That was a choice.

 

And pointing out someones faults is not conducive to being able to talk about anything.

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If you have been hospitalized for mental issues, and no longer on medication - your perception of things may be different. If it's been like this for years, you need a mediator - we can't tell you what he's thinking, or how things are coming accross other than how you feel. Many times, it's a communication issue. Although the way you describe certain situations, I feel you may have certain reactions very often based on your own interpretation of things.

 

I understand that you want him with you at therapy. I feel that you may benefit in continuing to go on your own as well.

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I was hospitalized due to my aunt and grandfather passing last yr a month difference and couldn't cope last yr and before that I never had any issues. I needed badly to talk to someone especially my husband and I didn't want him to go to work and to be with me but he kept ignoring the situation until I completely lost it I was at the point where I was afraid to lose him and couldn't sleep for days and that is what caused my hospitalization.

 

I was fine before the whole situation and doesn't dwell on the past although it does come up when we had arguments but it was normal but recently rethinking about our love for each other. I am now constantly thinking about it. I felt that when I was down he wasn't there.

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While it is normal to grieve, it is not normal to expect your husband to stay home from work.

 

That is why they have grief counselors, and hospice counselors, etc.

 

And while you say you have forgiven him --- I don't think you have.

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I've lost several loved ones - grieving is a process and it's not something someone else can help with. Ultimately, I agree you can't expect people to stay home from work in situations like that because then you put your career in jeopardy. I think it's unfair to assume he doesn't express his emotions just because he may not express them how and when you would.

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I didn't ask him to stay with me while I was grieving. I wanted to talk to someone when i found out my aunt had passed but he just doesn't want to talk. Also, I wanted him to come to the wake with me and stay with me. He said he couldn't and need to work. When I couldn't sleep and he would tell me to stop crying and just go to sleep coz he has work the next day. He wasn't there emotionally.

 

I don't mean to blame him but I just wish he could have been a little sensitive. This is why I am re evaluating our love for each other.

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I believe though if he knew that I would be hospitalize he would have been there but why couldn't he be emotionally there at the time doesn't it come natural to someone you love. Just like when his father passed I was there through ups and downs and I've only known him a few months then and I was there for him through everything why when I needed him he wasn't?

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