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An example of action speaks louder than words


smallwords

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Hi everyone! I've been reading the posts here for a while now, but this is the first time I'm posting. I've learnt quite a lot from the advice given to the different threads here, so thank you everyone for that

 

On to my topic - I've always been told that when a guy tells you he likes you, he'll call you etc, don't just take his word for it, and he has to show it if he really cares. Unlike girls, guys often say things because they think it's expected of them. This is what I learnt today.

 

Background info - There is this guy that I've been friends with for about 6 months now, and when we met he was involved with someone else, but I've always thought he was cute. It was not until we started talking more, after he broke up with his girlfriend two months ago, that I thought he was a nice person, and felt a little bit of attraction there. I've learnt the hard way, over the past few years, to never rush and to wait and observe, so that's what I did with him. We did kiss once when we were both drunk, but I kept my distance from him after that (letting him do the contacting, etc).

 

However, last week at a friend's party, we got around to talking a bit more, and he was following me around the house, being all attentive and eventually sitting down next to me and holding my hand. We ended up holding hands for the next two hours, and even though his flatmate was with us on the way home, he continued holding my hand (at times with both hands) and being super attentive to me. We took a cab home, and he and his flatmate alighted first, but after he alighted, he came into the cab again, grabbed my hand and said "Let's talk soon". So I said okay.

 

The next week we chatted once on Facebook about random stuff, and I was nice and everything, but I wanted to see what he would say about us. Nothing.

 

Then last night, there was another party, but I had some stuff to take care of at home, and he was late, so I had to leave just as he got there. He looked sad that I was leaving, and gave me a hug.

 

However, this morning, I woke up to messages from two other friends, one telling me they all stayed over at the host's apartment, and the guy who previously showed me all that attention was sleeping next to another girl on the couch, and when they woke up, he was hugging her. Another girl (who doesn't know the other friend), texted me that I need to be careful with this guy because he was talking to this other girl (the same one he was hugging), the whole night.

 

So there you go. Until a guy shows you that he really cares, by calling, taking you out, making an effort to be with you, everything else is just talk. And talk costs nothing to him. This may be just one guy, and other guys MIGHT be different, but just thought I'd share my experience with all of you here.

 

(I also really needed to get that all out. So there we go!)

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I'm going to disagree, small words. I'm not here to start an argument or anything. Just want to open your mind out more.

 

I used to believe "action" speakers louder than words.

 

However, since I've grown up a lot faster mentally for the past 3 years, I realized that one can't exist the other. Action and Words need to match.

 

For example, a person show their actions they care about you etc etc yet never said "I love you." Wouldn't you want someone tell you that "I love you!" or "You shouldn't doubt yourself. I know you. I know you wouldn't give up because someone criticizes you." Etc. Without the use of words as a form of communication, there would be a huge blast of misunderstanding.

 

An example that without actions can't exist with words. For example, "I'm truly sorry that I hurt you by cheating on you emotionally/mentally/physically with someone else. It won't happen again. Please take me back." However that person's action doesn't demonstrate that they are truly sincerely sorry and continues to cheat, what does that tell you?

 

Focus on the content of character. That's the best motto. Content of character will demonstrate both words and actions.

 

Hope that helps.

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Thanks for the reply, Seeker. I agree with your sentiment that words and actions need to match. I guess in my situation, the words were just so much louder and totally didn't match what he was doing. I'm also posting about this because I come accross many girls (and some guys, but mostly girls), who spend hours analyzing a guy's words, and why he doesn't do what he said he would, and just want to share with everyone. If it's all words, then it's time to think twice about the person.

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I am going to suggest you do NOT jump to conclusions sooo fast, just yet.

1) He was involved with someone about 6 mos ago when you met.

2) He has shown you some attention with fact he does like you.

3) He did show you some positive attention while around you.

 

I'm going to guess you are still young....

A lot of factors can go into this situation. Sometimes when someone goes thru a break up, they like to 'wander' and get to know others of the opposite sex. NOT just one. So- he could be wanting to 'play the field' for a while.

 

Also, he may need/want some time to work on dealing with his BU and not want to get into anything quite yet.. or for a while. Since he's recently been involved. He may want to go 'live it up' for a while now.

 

I dont think you should right away 'assume' he's a dirty dawg or liar etc. But try and understand the situation and circumstances around this.

 

IF he reaches out and contacts you sometime, soon. Just play your cool and go with it. Act mainly as a 'friend'.

IF he seems confused in any way.. probably because he is! He may not be totally grounded & mentally or emotionally stable for the time being, anyways, due to his recent break up.

 

So, best thing for YOU to do, is continue on with life and see how things continue with him. I think it's best anyways for him to have 'his time' being single and time to deal with things- on his own. It is NOT healthy to jump from one relationship to another so fast. We need time to accept, mourn our loss, our hearts then move on....

 

Anyways... you never know. Continue on and see how things shape up in another month or so. And just try to look at this another way. I dont think he is really 'able' to look at anything seriously right now.

 

Give it time.. give him time.

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So, best thing for YOU to do, is continue on with life and see how things continue with him. I think it's best anyways for him to have 'his time' being single and time to deal with things- on his own. It is NOT healthy to jump from one relationship to another so fast. We need time to accept, mourn our loss, our hearts then move on....

 

I'm 27, but you could say I'm young when it comes to relationships, in some ways. In others, because I like to step back and look at my relationships and how my friends deal with theirs, I am slightly jaded (in that I don't condone purely physical relationships, playing the field, etc).

 

You're right about continuing on with life. I am still trying to understand the dynamics that come with meeting and getting involved with people from different cultures, because in mine, you try not to be physical (holding hands, kissing included) unless you think there may be something there, unless of course, both of you have some kinda consensus that it's totally fine to do that (like the first time it happened, and we both just let it go after that). But at the end of the day, I still stand by the sentiment about looking out for the guy's actions and not just listening to his words.

 

In the meantime, I'm going to continue meeting new people and having fun with my life and responding to other people who are showing interest

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I totally agree with you.

I don't care if someone has issues, broke up with his gf 2 months ago, needs to play the field, whatever.

If someone holds my hand for 2 hours (!), I expect him to ask me out. If he doesn't, it means he doesn't care. And when you don't care about someone, don't act like you do. People have feelings, they're not just there so he can 'play the field'.

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I'm gonna agree with what soosad said. The tone of your post suggests that you think less of this guy because of the way he acted but I don't think that he did anything wrong. If you and he were not any kind of item then he was more than okay to chat and cuddle with somebody else, you weren't even dating!

 

I understand that this could be disappointing for you, nobody likes to think of the guy they like being with someone else, but it's just about managing expectations, which you did seem to do for the most part. Right now I am seeing 2 different guys (intimate with 1) and have an active profile on a dating site. Obviously it just depends on your own personal views towards dating, and multi-dating in particular, but I would suggest that his actions were not necessarily that of a douchebag.

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Number one you mentioned you stopped contacting him and let him contact you first - no matter how you spin the reason for doing this is... thats game playing in my eyes, and if he sees that the same, then that could be an issue- once i see that the horns come out. I feel zero remorse after that. Something to consider if you kept backing off and kept waiting for him to contact you first. Only time imo this is forgivable is if she chatters away when i do contact her first and at least gives me a "hope to chat with you soon again, i like chatting with you." - Simple words like this can turn the course of fate easily.

 

And two, he didnt promise you anything. Hes single, i do what he did every weekend if i can, i dont feel bad about it. Now, if i had my sights set on a particular girl that i feel is giving me her 100%, i would tell her, "i want you, my intentions is to get to know ONLY you in hopes that we can be together" - when i do that, and act like that dude - then we can discuss that. I think half of the women i dated i BEAT out the OTHER guy to her - its how dating works for many people.

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