Cannot Agree On Location

[jennifer12189]

I love my boyfriend. We generally work really well together. We each have our own strengths which complement each other. We're respectful of each other and try to talk through our issues.

The only issue we can't seem to resolve is where we want to live when we buy a house and start a family.

When we moved in together about 2 years ago, I came to the city where he lived and we got an apartment together. Before we moved in together we agreed to live in his city until we were ready to buy a house, and then move back to my hometown area. (These two places are about 45 minutes apart.) This seemed like a great idea at the time because he had a decent job with benefits, and his area had plenty of job opportunities and activities for me. I figured I would be fine living there for a few years, and I still am.

The problem is that now when we talk about the future he is refusing to live with me near my hometown. I know a lot of people wouldn't think 45 minutes is a big deal but it really is, and will be. I'm not trying to make him unhappy, nor am I thinking only about myself. I'm trying to do what's best for our future family unit.

 

This is his side of the situation:

-his job is here and it really is a good job- decent pay, benefits, and really laid back/minimal work

-he doesn't want to commute 45 minutes to work each day

-he doesn't like driving very much

-he hates getting up early to go anywhere

-his parents are dead and he is an only child. His extended family actually lives 3.5 hours from our current city and less than 3 hours from my hometown. He has minimal to no interest in his family.

-he has friends/acquaintances here but only hangs out with them maybe once a year. I'm not exaggerating.

-his interests/hobbies are not specifically in this area (you can hike, swim, shop, etc. anywhere)

 

This is my side of the situation:

-I have a work from home job that I can do anywhere, but I can have a guaranteed second job in my hometown.

-I want to be close to my support system when we have children. It would be nice to have relatives to help out if an emergency arises. Even packing up 2 or 3 small children to go to the grocery store or a doctor's appointment would be easier with the help of another person. I can't ask a relative to make a 1.5 hour round trip just to help me with a 1 hour grocery store trip.

-I think it's important for our future children to have a close relationship with their grandparents, aunt and uncle, and future cousins.

-It would be much easier to have a date night if we can drive like 10 minutes to drop the kids off at grandma's and go out to dinner. Realistically we're not going to drive 45 minutes to drop off the kids for an hour long dinner out. So that means we'll almost never do anything just the two of us.

-Our future children will never have a babysitter who isn't family. I will never trust a stranger or even a close friend with our children. I would rather never leave the house than do that. (Call me crazy but I won't budge on that.)

-once again, his relatives are many hours away and he does not want to live where they do, and he just isn't close to any of his relatives

-as great as friends are, I'd prefer to spend time with my family. I can't pop over to my sister's for a cup of coffee if I'm living 45 minutes away.

-if we're living close to my family, I will be a lot less likely to ask him to do things he doesn't like to do, with me. Why drag him grocery shopping when my sister would be happy to go with me? Why ask him to go with me and the kids to the children's museum when grandma would love to go? Why pressure him to go fishing with me and the kids when my brother-in-law would be a better choice to teach them? I know he would be happier if he didn't have to do things he didn't want to do too often.

-I would still expect him to spend time with the children and be a part of their lives, but it wouldn't have to be 24/7 this way.

 

Basically my main reason for wanting/needing to be close to my family is to give our future children (and us as parents) the best life possible. We both want children. I had always wanted 2 but then he said he wanted 3 and I fell in love with the idea.

I feel like commuting 45 minutes each way, each work day is not all that bad because he would be doing it to make money. He'll be at work for 9 or more hours and that seems worth it to me. Any of the things I mentioned above would not happen if they required a commute. I do understand his not wanting to do the commute but it's really the only thing I'd ask of him (unless he'd get a different job which he also doesn't want to do). Just go to work and drive a little extra. Help mow the lawn or watch the children while I do it. I don't mind doing the laundry, cooking, cleaning, diaper changing, yard work, grocery shopping, 1-2 jobs of my own, home repairs, child rearing, etc by myself. I don't think we need to be completely equal, 50/50 partners. It just needs to work for both of us.

Is it wrong for me to want our life to be easy for both of us, and for us to all be happy? Am I wrong in my desire for our future family to live by my family, near my hometown? Is he being too selfish? Am I? Is there any way for this issue to be worked out?

[Batya33]

Have you considered that if he has that commute he won't be able to help you as much in the evening with the children? You're making lots of assumptions about your parents' and sibling's ability and desire to help with your children. And, no, you don't have to drag him shopping or to a museum because - you can go by yourself. That's what I do (I have one child). a 45-minute commute (and more in traffic) can be very stressful when it's an every day thing and you have a long, intense day of work. And yes, you can drive 45 minutes to drop the kids off with your parents or sister - or perhaps you can drive there and back and bring them to your house to stay over or spend the whole day.

We live far from our families (plane ride) -we have no family here. We've rarely used a sitter and our families cannot babysit anyway for health/medical reasons. Yes, you won't be able to pop over to your sister's house so you'll have to do a bit more planning. That's life.

I do understand about the second job issue -my guess is though a lot of that $ will be eaten up by the wear and tear on your car and the extra gas money, right?

 

I have a number of friends with more than one child. It's hard but no, they don't all have family around. Diapers and groceries can be delivered if it's too hard to take the children shopping (I'm sure it can be!).

 

And one more thing -as much as I hope your dream of having 3 children pans out that is a big unknown - you might have 3, or 2 or 1 -or you might unfortunately have to wait years and adopt -obviously we always hope that you'll be fine in that department but asking your husband to do that commute every work day on the assumption that you will have 3 children and that your family will be as helpful as you think..... I don't know.

[laninaperdida]

It's not wrong @ all,

Unfortunately, moving close to your fam may seem like a good idea to you, but he'd... rather not, lol.

I never met a man who didn't like driving!

My car collects dust, lol... My BF drives EVERYWHERE.

I think that to a man?

A job IS HIS BABY so asking him to make any "small" adjustment feels HUGE to him.

How long have you been pushing this move?

 

Also, I'm a female, but I HATE HATE driving.

If my friends asks me to do something during rush hour ill literally turn it down so i can avoid traffic

[abitbroken]

Why not move somewhere in the middle - somewhere 20-25 minutes from his work and 20-25 minutes from your family. Why is that so bad? Also, remember, if you can work from anywhere and he needs to depend on being near his job - why not buy a house convenient to work - a starter house that you can start with and the when you ACTUALLY get married and ACTUALLY have kids and the house might be too small for kid #2 or #3, then you consider buying something closer to your family. Has there even been a proposal or a date set??

 

The advantage of living 30-45 minutes from your family is that you still gave privacy as a couple. Visits are intentional and they aren't looking in your window all the time. Actually, it takes me 30 minutes to get to the mall or from one side of the rural town i live in to the other - anyone who lives within 45 minutes of me is "close" - but maybe i feel differently than you.

 

Also, do you have to live 5 minutes from your folks to have a "support system". They are close now, aren't they??

 

You guys might want to rent for another year, honestly, if this is a problem. There won't be 3 kids in a year.

[jennifer12189]

I definitely don't expect my family to want to watch my future kids all the time, but it would be nice to know that I had someone else to accompany me on an outing. It would be rare that I would ask and I wouldn't be pressuring them.

And as for his job- there's barely any stress. I've voluntarily stopped by and covered him for fun (he works alone and unsupervised) and its definitely an easy gig. He just basically hangs out and watches Netflix. He's not required to do much else.

I don't want to buy a "starter" house or have one kid and see how it goes, and hope for the best. I don't want to create an unhappy situation that can't be undone.

And as for living in the middle, the school districts in between are pretty bad. Same with in our current city. My hometown has the best school district around.

I also have no worries about my family just dropping by. I know my family members well and they would call beforehand most of the time. Plus my boyfriend actually likes having them over. He asks me to invite them to visit pretty often and has even invited them himself.

It's just not close enough. I don't want to settle down and then have regrets. I understand that many people are fine living far from their family and never seeing them, but that's not me. As it is now, I only see them maybe once every three weeks. That's not enough to maintain a close relationship.

[mhowe]

Until he.puts a ring on your finger...this is nothing but future talk.

And moving 1/2 way in between is the solution.

The bigger question should be....this is a man who is satisfied watching movies as "his job".

The chances of him making enough to support a home, wife and 3 kids....is nil.

[mhowe]

Just read the.part of you not wanting a "starter home". Which is hard....because it sounds like bf is a "starter husband".

[jennifer12189]

Looks like you're trolling. I already said its a decent job. He makes good money, and combined we're financially able to support a family. Does it just bother you that someone else has found an easy job that pays well? Your job does not have to be your life's biggest accomplishment.

Moving half way would not be a solution as the school district there is pretty bad.

And "future talk" is a good thing. It's good to figure these things out before you tie the knot. That would be very irresponsible.

[shelty24]

I understand you wanting to be near family but you can't expect him to drive an hour to work and back again and what about traffic? That's an 11-12 hour day. Plus the added cost of petrol.

 

And if you had 3 small kids to look after-your priorities are going to change. You cannot look after them, cooking, cleaning, laundry, 2 jobs, shopping, school runs and fit in time to have coffee with sister, date nights with him.. that's like 4 full time jobs. Your not super woman love and you are going to need a supporting husband and father who will come home and not be too tired to help you.

 

What about when you have a screaming baby for 5 hours and he comes home exhausted and doesn't want to take over so you can nap or have a shower? I think you are being unrealistic to be honest..

 

Do not offer to be miracle woman if he does this one thing for you because you will be overwhelmed with too much to do and not enough time to do it. You wont have the energy for date nights and sex will go off the agenda too if your running around like a blue assed fly all day and he resents you because hes spent two hours stuck in traffic

 

I think you need a new plan. Maybe move 20minutes from his job.

[jennifer12189]

Well when he drives to or from work there is no traffic. And I understand that I won't always get the house cleaned, and will fall behind on laundry, but that doesn't really change by location.

Thank you all for your input and advice. I guess the best bet would be to explain to him my reasoning once again, and see if he has any change of heart. If he's still set on staying here, it might be time for me to go.

[shelty24]

I think if you really love this man-and you were good together-then you would find a compromise-not just walk away.

 

If you marry this man and have kids with him, then he is your family-he comes first and he puts you first. That is what a healthy relationship is all about..

 

It is always good to have a support network, good family and friends around but again you put each other first.

 

You are not seeing the bigger picture here. You may as well be a single parent if your willing to do tripple what he does just to get your own way on location. My bf works 60-80 hours a week 30 minutes from home. I have made it clear we wont be having babies until that changes coz I don't want to be a single mum. I want him here with me and the children with him doing a regular 40hour week.

 

I don't have kids but I found the house overwhelming at times when I was working 6days per week. Its not easy to juggle everything and if your both working-you should both be doing housework and childcare so one of you does not become burnt out.

 

I think you could easily solve this issue if he got a new job or of you moved half way..

[jennifer12189]

So what is the big picture?

[mhowe]

If you already have a "my way of r the highway" mentality and he has not even become your fiancé.... the bigger picture is you are dating the wrong guy....or rather...he is dating a woman whose lives ideas are not compatible with his vision.

[jennifer12189]

It's not "my way or the highway". It's "do what's best for our family or maybe we aren't compatible".

[Mesemene]

You're not honestly looking at what's best for your "family" but for your projected needs, and convenience for your projected kids.

 

He can't relate since he has no close family, but you're expecting him to take on a minimum 1.5-2 hour commute daily to satisfy, what to him, must look like something inconsequential.

 

Bottom line is you don't have the same priority system when it comes to family.

 

And might need to compromise on that in the middle location, and consider private school, or use a parent's address for the kids to use as their school location.

 

There are plenty of options to avoid the school district and still satisfy both of your comfort levels - if you're looking for an excuse to dump this guy though, and it really sounds like you are, you have one. You don't view family the same way, and he may never develop that need to be close to anyone but you and any children you have, where your extended family is central to you.

 

If you love him, you'll be willing to explore those middle road options. If not, or if his outlook compared to yours is a deal breaker for you, leave before you buy a house.

[lavenderdove]

>>Even packing up 2 or 3 small children to go to the grocery store or a doctor's appointment would be easier with the help of another person.

 

OK, my first comment is that you shouldn't be having children if you think you need 2 people to manage them everywhere you go and for routine things like going to the grocery store. Most mothers can and do manage their children most of the time on their own or with the help of their spouse. And you need to learn how to do that before you consider having kids.

 

Next, your argument is basically totally self centered. You are asking him to spend 1.5 hours in a car every day on top of a 9 hour work day. So he'll be gone 12 hours a day, and that will seriously cut into any time he would have with his children and you, and make him exhausted from a long drive every day. So you are putting your comfort over his comfort without trying to compromise.

 

Next, you can find something in a area that is a reasonable drive and splits the distance so that you can drive 15-20 minutes to see your family and he can drive 15-20 minutes to work. You're not trying hard to consider that alternative because you'd prefer to have it all your way. A 15-20 minute drive is NOTHING when it comes to having normal family relationships and seeing each other, babysitting etc.

 

So I think you need to recognize that marriage isn't about setting you up in an 'easy' and perfect situation while your husband turns into a work drudge so that you can have coffee quicker with your sister and have your family act as parents to your children because you are unable to manage them alone. I think you need to consider growing up a bit more before taking on marriage, and be very careful how you cast this with your BF or he might dump you for being so self centered and uninterested in his needs and only thinking about what makes your own life easier.

[Batya33]

Could not agree more especially about you needing someone to "accompany" you on outings - if you think you need that (and I agree that that is unusual) then hire a mother's helper once in awhile to come with you and do the heavy lifting or take some of the burden off of you. Also if you have more than one child close in age start them at a very young age helping you (nothing dangerous or inappropriate of course) - 3 year olds can learn to help with laundry at least as much as being with you doing the laundry so you don't have to worry about him being in another room unsupervised and he doesn't need to sit in front of the TV just because you have to do laundry. Just one example.

 

And yes you can stay close with family and see them less than every 3 weeks. There's phone, e-mail and skype. On the other hand you might not stay close in your marriage if your husband resents the commute. And of course his cushy job might not last forever so then he would have the commute plus stress, etc.

 

Be careful of the circular argument that he should agree with you because "it's what is best for our family". You're assuming your idea is what's best. What's best is a situation where everyone feels treated fairly plus it's in the best interests of the children. I don't know- is tired/cranky/resentful husband who gets home a half hour later and has to leave a half hour earlier every day (at least) good for family peace?

 

I moved 800 miles away from our families for my husband's job. I knew from our first date I likely would have to do something like that so I got used to the idea. Here's what it means in reality. It means that I had to make a HUGE effort to get to know my neighbors and make friends -not only do we not have family here but my husband travels on a regular basis and works more than 40 hours/week (although partly from home). I have a support network here of people who will help me if I lose my keys (happened once in 4 years), have an emergency, etc and people who are basically my surrogate family here and are here for me not just for emergencies. Yes, they would accompany me on a shopping trip if I asked. I've never asked because while it can be hard to take a young child shopping especially if you're under the weather in my book it's called "being a parent'. And even if my mother was here and could help I wouldn't ask for something like that.

 

It also means sometimes feeling a bit isolated as can happen if you don't have enough adult conversation. Again it's called "being a parent". I make sure to keep up with current events, to stay in touch with my friends and family back home by phone and we are in our hometown for almost the whole summer. Marriage requires so much compromise and flexibility and I've only been married for 5 years. Here's a good example. It's Saturday morning. My child is sick. I am fighting off a cold. So is my husband. Because our son is sick he was up at 6am after being up at 4am for awhile. I'm exhausted. But I told my husband to go back to sleep because he has to get work done today (he offered to stay up). Would I call my mother, sister or anyone at 6am and ask them to come over -even down the block - so that we could both sleep? No way.

 

Why this example? Because when you have children (or a job with very unpredictable situations or hours as I did pre-child, or an ill, elderly family member) you can't plan in advance "oh well if I live near family I'll have someone to accompany me on outings or help out". Because the times you need help are often going to be at odd hours of the night/early morning or you'll get a call from the pre-school to come get your child because he isn't feeling well- as much as possible you have to be ready to do that stuff on your own despite the warm fuzzy feeling that a family member would be willing to pitch in.

 

Look -we all have our own standards -perhaps you want a far more unusual situation than I've heard of or experienced -but if you do pitching it to future husband as "what's best for our family' probably won't fly, understandably.

 

As far as school district, look into private schools that are half way - yes, very expensive but school districts change -you won't need the public schools for at least another 7-10 years from now, right? - so if there's a private school option to use temporarily, that's one way. Also there might be free charter schools that are better than the zoned public school in those areas.

[lavenderdove]

btw, what's 'best for the family and kids' is that they see their father as much as possible and interact with him when he's not exhausted. It's not 'best for the kids' to see you and your sister drinking coffee every day while they don't get to see their father except for a couple minutes before they go to bed every night.

[abitbroken]

When I was 8 my parents moved 11 hours away from family. How did they do it? Mom stayed at home and when she shopped, dad watched us. When they wanted to both go out, they got a babysitter. They got to know their new neighbors really well who recommended someone good as well as one of the young guys down the street who was going to college for teaching used to babysit us too. And also, mom would rotate kids with a friend of hers. She made sure to know the parents of our friends and worked out something really good with another mom. The other mom worked out of the home and my mom did not. My mom had the kids after school for an hour or two and the other mom had us on Saturday afternoon so mom and dad could shop or go to a movie in peace.

 

Also, my sister lives an hour from her nieces and she goes on outings with them a lot.

 

I think that for right now, with you not even being married yet, the first day of school for child #1 is anywhere from 6 1/2 to 10 years away. You could buy a smaller three bedroom house that you could well afford and be there for 7-12 years before the child even hits second grade when a "better" school district will actually matter.

 

I understand wanting support - but your family is really close by. Just not next door.

 

Right now, your bf's job is stable and he makes good money.

raise or at least something you can count on when you have kids.

 

I understand you want a good school district - but if you are not even married yet - a kid's first day of kindergarten is 6 to 10 years away. And there are places that just do preschool and kindergarten as well as private school if you don't like the district.

 

As far as a "starter home" - i mean something that is reasonably priced so if one of you temporarily loses your job, you won't be totally out of your home. Its a better investment than to buy the McMansion right off the bat.

 

But honestly, I would not even think about buying a home until a ring was on your finger. Keep renting for a little while or let your boyfriend buy a condo or small home on his own that you both live in and improve it and then after 3 years - counting on you will be married at that time, sell it when the market is right and buy a home together.

 

I guess i don't get why you have to buy a house right now.