Jump to content

All ENA users, share with me ..


Recommended Posts

Going through a break up which had infedility as it's main issue. He is the father to my children and I am still in love with him, but I know this is something we could never recover from right now.

 

So how did you move on? What helped you get through each day? And then week or month?

When did you start to feel normal? How do you feel now you look back? What helped?

 

Each story is different. Basically what I'm looking for are some uplifting stories, and moments of strength. The past 7 months of going through all this (there's a lot) I've never felt so alone, and it was only a couple of weeks ago that I came on here to vent. I now see we are not alone and we each have out unique situation. So share with me what keeps you strong!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well I do not have a kid but my first girlfriend cheated on me. I had my doubts at the time and she denied to the very end. Then a friend told me and she had no choice but to spit the truth.

I forgave her of course. I loved her to death at the time. Then all of a sudden, 3 months later she moved out of the country with her family. She did not tell me a thing about it.

 

How I moved on? I had no choice. I had to live. I've done nothing different from what I ever did. Went to school. Talked with friends. Same old thing.

 

It took me roughly a year to get over it. But mostly because I was cheated on so my self esteem exploded. The fact that she cheated on me did help me move faster though. In my head, no matter how much good you do to the world, if you cheated on someone, you're the worst possible and you don't deserve to be happy (I have severe trust issues thanks to that).

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What keeps me strong... listening to certain songs, certains activities (the ones where I'm completely immersed), making a list of small to do things and acomplish that list at the end of the day/week.

 

I've also compiled a list of phrases/motivation thoughts that I read often to stay strong:

 

- Things are what they are, I can't change the past, accept it and don't dwell on what can't be changed.

- Take the best out of the bad things, shift the interpretation of those bad events.

- Believe that good things will happen, think positive, this calms me down.

- Trying to forgive the Ex, this frees my chest from an unbearable weight, ressentment and negativity. It stops me from dwelling on revenge or unfairness.

- Take deep breaths when with stressful thoughts, feel my body's well being.

- Enjoy the NOW, the present, look around, pay atention to surroundings.

- Be grateful, repeat it and feel it. Enjoy what you have.

- When having bad thoughts, do not fuel them, immediately think good things or wish good things. For instance Ex broke my heart thought pops in - immediately wish her well and focus on that, the bad thought goes away.

- When you find thinking about something positive/funny/good, FUEL that thought with everything you got. Positive thought will pop up often.

- When missing past good moments with EX... shift the interpretation, think, what I had to experience and enjoy I already did it, I felt those moments! They cannot be repeated even if we were together NOW. They belong forever to that past moment! They can't be repeated, so I'm grateful for having experienced them. No point missing those moments anymore.

- Stop looking at the past with the eyes of the present! You are today a different person from what you were. You could not have done better at that moment. Just forgive yourself and move on.

- I'm my priority in life, the king of my kingdom, I hold the key to my happiness, it's all on me. I must love myself, be proud of myself, what matters is now!

- Fight for what you can control, accept what you can't. Make decisions and move on.

 

The list goes on but these are the emergency ones lol. Apologies for poor english.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

""""It took me roughly a year to get over it. But mostly because I was cheated on so my self esteem exploded. The fact that she cheated on me did help me move faster though. In my head, no matter how much good you do to the world, if you cheated on someone, you're the worst possible and you don't deserve to be happy (I have severe trust issues thanks to that).""""

 

I agree twidom, and my self esteem and trust is at rock bottom, especially in my situation as some of the women were meant to be friends! No excuse for a cheat. Hope your getting through it!

 

 

And thank you Jonyyy those are some great sayings! It's still pretty fresh to me but staying positive for my boys is key right now, and I'm glad you've given me some mottos to repeat

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My Ex cheated on me. I divorced him 1 yr to the day of finding out.

 

It takes a lot of time to get over.

Your trust is completely shattered, you feel used, totally stupid for not seeing signs, and worthless.

 

I would sit in a bubble bath and cry my eyes out, it did feel really good afterwards to release all the hurt!!!!

 

All I can tell you is it takes time, and as much time as you need.

If you want to cry do it, if you want to lay on the couch all day do it.

 

I had 2 children as well, my daughter was only 5, my son was 12. It was very difficult bringing them up alone, but I did it & they are amazing adults.

 

Good luck, stay strong & be kind to yourself!!!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ok - going back 10 years to the story of my ex-wife and I here. No physical infidelity involved, but other serious things that meant I didn't trust her anymore.

 

So how did you move on?

I left. I had friends around who were mega supportive, and were around as I dealt with the fallout of separation, and trying to make a life for myself afterwards.

What helped you get through each day? And then week or month?

The friends I had around... and some laughs we were able to have and experiences we were able to share. Even when things got a bit bad... there was support. I had two really amazing friends at the right time in the right place.

 

When did you start to feel normal? How do you feel now you look back? What helped?

 

I didn't feel "normal" or "ok" about things for a very very long time in my case. Being brought up as a catholic, and very dogmatic parents... leaving my marriage was a huge deal. What helped was the utter belief that I was doing the right thing, and that it was better for my kids to see Mum and I separately but ok, rather than sticking together but being in the middle of a war zone with distrust at times. And.. I had a couple of really good friends around at the time.

 

So... trust your gut instinct and try to do what is right for you and for your kids.

 

Although there has been a lot of cr*p, because of the situations, and because we split... there have been things I've been able to do with my kids as me, not as some beaten-up, abused man in a relationship that probably shouldn't have got as far as marriage in the first place.

 

So, for me, the big uplifting story is that the past 12 years has meant I have had the most amazing relationship with my kids, one that I know I could never possibly have had if their Mum and I had stayed together in the situation we had.

The thing that really keeps me going when things are rough, is that I *know* both my kids trust where I stand, and that they know I will be honest and consistent with them. They are now teenagers, and of course, they don't agree with everything I think or do or say. I know they trust that I will try and listen to them when they have things on their mind and I will give them full attention. They know I sometimes get things wrong, but that I am looking out for their best interests and we can always talk about things.

 

So... warts and all, dramas and all, all the ups and downs... all the memories and all the future opportunities I have of my relationship with my kids, post divorce is the thing that keeps me strong.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

With my ex husb it was a relief, really, because it gave me an excusable "out" from a miserable situation where I would have stayed for my daughter's sake. I didn't think taking care of myself or my own well-being was a 'good enough' reason to upheave my daughter's life. But (thank God, and I really do mean that), he did what he did and I was able to leave and start taking better care of myself.

Its actually made the other areas of my life easier, to be honest. There is no way you could insult me, humiliate me, disrespect me or hurt me as greatly he did....so everything else (stuck in traffic, late to work, angry friend/relative, child won't get dressed in the morning...) literally became like water off a duck's back. The worst has been done...there is only better and there is only moving forward.

I am truly thankful.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I want to share my thoughts because I had a massive accidental break-through this week. A real sun-breaking-through-the-clouds moment. Tiny bit of background: my partner of 6 years and I had been living in China together (working in the same school!). He suddenly left, moved in with his best mate and ran off with his best mate's on-off gf (a local Chinese girl, who is also a prostitute. Yeah. Messed-up.) Although this happened within days of him leaving me, I didn't know until 2 or 3 weeks later. It was seeing how he could do that to his best friend that propelled several massive steps forward in recovery. When I heard, I felt like I'd been shot, but I immediately knew it would certainly help me to get over him!

 

 

 

Here comes my break-through. I spent the last three months muddling along and getting better and better and it's been so difficult. I've had little support, on account of being so far away from home and in a sense that has made it easier. At least, I am choosing to look at it in that positive light, because you HAVE to look at things in a positive light. What other choice do you have? People have said I am brave - it took me only 6 weeks to sort out my dream job in Shanghai (moving in a few days) and I've arranged all this with the language barrier and no help. And with my ex working in the classroom below me every day. But I always answer, I am not brave. I had no choice. Simple as that.

 

Well, on Wednesday, I got a missed call. The only contact we had had for the three months or so since he left. He also sent me two messages advising me to check my e-mails. I was in Shanghai doing visa stuff and I was suspicious. I finally checked the e-mail Thursday night and it was horriffic. A sick threat involving a family situation to which I am extremely vulnerable. Completely out of the blue. I'd heard from mutual friends that he'd wanted to be friends again and I suppose I'd thought perhaps the e-mail would be a simple good luck for the future. It would have been nice to leave on friendly terms.

 

Luckily for me, he'd told a friend what he'd done and she turned up at my door. I read it moments before she showed. I felt like I would cry. I sent it to everyone, because I won't be bullied, but a friend all the way in Australia told me to take it off Facebook, cos taking the moral high ground would make me feel better. Against every fibre of my being, I did take it down. I immediately felt a little better. I Skyped a friend until 1 a.m., knowing I had to be up early, but it made me so exhausted that I fell into sleep.

 

Next morning, there were two more e-mails. Disguised as an apology, where he basically called me nasty, foolish etc. Bearing in mind there had been NO contact so it was all very odd. I checked the times of the e-mails. They were spread out over the evening. So basically he’d spent the three days thinking about this. That was when I had my revelation. Although I hadn’t been in contact, and although he had been the one to leave me, I somehow still have the power to affect and control his thoughts. I’d done nothing to provoke such a low attack, yet I could still drive him to act so low and disgusting. On the other hand, he does not have that power over me. He no longer controls my thoughts, nor can he drive me to act in any way whatsoever. Sure, he still occupies my thoughts a lot – the whole relationship still does. (Six years!). But now I know which of us has moved on. Which of us is doing better. Which of us is the better person.

 

It’s me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't even know where to start with my story.

 

Long story cut short, she cheated on me and then left me for the guy she cheated on me with.

 

The first few days I couldn't cope with anything, I was struggling with everything. I couldn't get out of bed in the morning for college and I couldn't sleep at night. I couldn't get through a single day without crying my eyes out, at least four times a day. The pain it was going through was unbearable.

 

I broke down in college, cried on my way home, cried on the way to college. I literally didn't know what to do with myself and the pain was too much, that's when I had suicide thoughts and someone in college told me to see a counsellor which I did.

 

Then she cut me out of her life without reason, the pain was just beyond killing me at this point. I spoke to my counsellor about everything and gradually things got better.

 

After six - eight months, I forgave her and decided that I should let her go, something I thought I already did. I forgave her and I hoped she was happy, wherever she was. She was a big part of my life and the first girl I fell in love with, I tried hating her but it didn't work and I realised I was wasting my time.

 

The final thing I thought was that if we were meant to be together, we would be together but we're not because it wasn't meant to be.

 

I wished her all the happiness in the world in my own and just moved on with my life.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Can you tell what particularly did you do that it was awesome? My therapist is good but we just spent time talking about my feelings

 

Several reasons.

 

-Did two types of therapy - individual and group.

 

-Group yielded lots of support and feeling of community.

 

-Individual included CBT.

 

-I had a lot of "homework" exercises that were very helpful and eye-opening to me.

 

-It inspired me to identify goals and reach those goals. Reaching those goals felt very awesome.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

6/7 months is relatively quick. There are folks around here who are unhealed 2-3 years later.

 

I think all of the tips are out there - we know them. Ultimately, keep in mind that letting go of anger (and the 'why why why' broken record in your head) and reaching acceptance are your best tools. It won't happen overnight. So you have to be patient with and pamper yourself.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It took me about a year to get over my first serious breakup.

 

Friends helped a bit - mostly as distraction.

 

And keeping busy was probably key. I was already working full time - and took an extra courseload so I was going to school full time as well. Between my studies and working 60+ hours a week, I didn't have the time to do much moping. The hardest time had been coming home from work when we used to make our weekend plans - he had the habit of calling every day. So filling up the times that were the hardest with something that required focus - I won't say it made it easy - but it sure prevented me from soaking my pillow for more time than was needed to get it out.

 

I also joined my first health club and got serious about getting in better shape. The endorphins - they do help a bit. And it always helps seeing something positive happening.

 

What I wish I'd done - spoiled myself a bit more. I could've used it, and all my pals wanted to do was party.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah I didn't mean it is not quick. When it just happened I was thinking I'll never get over him and even on the deathbed will be sad about this. Now two months past, while it still brings me a lot of distress and sadness, I feel a lot better and am actually know now how to help myself heal and feel better. I'm hoping to be over this at 4 months because he betrayed me and got involved with someone else with no regard to my feelings. Kind of helps to move quicker knowing he betrayed me. But I'm not setting any deadline of course.

 

Spot on about 'whys' and 'how is this even possible', thanks for reminding me not to think about that. I've certainly reached acceptance, now on the way to moving on completely. Can't.Wait.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Eh, things like getting yourself just a little something for making it through the week/month, taking the time for long soaks, a bit of pampering like a mani/pedi or massage if it's affordable. Little things that say "I care about myself" because there are days that honestly - it doesn't feel like you do! There are days all you want to do is look for a rock to crawl under - and while a bit of that is needed to lick your wounds, at some point, you have to draw a line between healing - and helping yourself stay miserable.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you everyone! Sometimes I feel so alone and weak, low self esteem and plenty of issues! Sometimes each day seems harder than the last. I'm struggling with acceptance. Of his betrayals (plural), that he is someone I didn't think he could become, that I have lost my best friend, it's doesn't help that my imagination runs away with me, him with all these women, him being out every weekend having a great time, him not realising the damage or the mess I'm in, him probably not even sorry. The list goes on. I struggle to accept this but I know one day it will come.

 

I am trying to find something positive in each day. My little boys help with this. I am trying to see the bigger picture, that I will not always feel this way. I am trying to look forward to a future even though it is no longer the one I visioned. I am trying to not feel sorry for myself as that gets me nowhere. I am trying and trying, some evenings when I lay in bed I tell myself you have made it through another day. You will be fine.

 

Tough times don't last, tough people do

 

I am learning to SELF LOVE, because I need to love myself and every flaw to get through this

 

Thanks again guys and gals, hope each day you start it is a good one

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...