Jump to content

Unemployment is Hard


Recommended Posts

Does anyone have experience or stories with an unemployed partner? With the unemployment rate at high levels, both in the U.S. and Europe, I imagine there are a lot of people in this situation. I'm specifically referring to a person who is laid off (not fired) and who is actively looking for a new job.

 

Did you start to resent your partner? Did the partner become depressed? How did you support them while continuing to hold your weight in the relationship?

 

I think it's such a tough, sensitive situation.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It wasn't quite what you are talking about but, yes I can relate.

 

My last BF was a good guy. Sweet and funny, attractive and intelligent. But two things got in the way 1) Our sex life 2) His complete lack of ambition in any area of his life.

 

He was under employed, would complain constantly, and when asking for advice would never take suggestions. If someone is unemployed or under employed but I see them trying, looking for work, volunteering, taking temp jobs, taking classes to learn new skills, etc then I don't have a problem. But if all they do is sit around and complain then I start to resent them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am currently with a man who is unemployed. Hes been laid off quite a few times in the past 4+ years. Too many employees. Cut backs. All the excuses in the book from his jobs. But each year he manages to get a few unstable jobs. Its hard. I do resent him alot. And although I try to help him and give support. With two kids I need some support too. So im my experience. It sucks but if you truly love and cherish them regardless of their bank accounts and bull then try it out...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can't work because of health problems and it takes it toll. You don't really feel like a strong independent man without a job. You kind of feel useless and you do get depressed for time to time.

 

I've had trouble in past relationships with ambition but I've really changed that part of me now I've got plans to start a successful business once I finish studies and to become quite wealthy. I just have this inner belief now that I didn't 5 years ago, maybe it's getting older I don't know.

 

But yes it's hard being unemployed, especially on relationships which is why I've avoided them while in my current state. I don't want anyone thinking I'm a loser good for nothing mooch.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I find it is easier when it is dealt with as a partnership, where you are in it TOGETHER not as someone not pulling their weight. Sometimes there is too much " we are individuals and everything should be 50/50 100% of the time or it is not working. You are a team and sometimes you have to take one for the team. If you see your partnership as a team and we survive or drown together resentment becomes less.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I find it is easier when it is dealt with as a partnership, where you are in it TOGETHER not as someone not pulling their weight. Sometimes there is too much " we are individuals and everything should be 50/50 100% of the time or it is not working. You are a team and sometimes you have to take one for the team. If you see your partnership as a team and we survive or drown together resentment becomes less.

 

While I agree that it doesn't have to be 50/50 all the time, the thing I have the most trouble coming to terms with is that one person (the employed partner) has no control over the situation. That's where it becomes really unequal. You can help them find job postings and help with the resume but ultimately you have no direct control over the situation. But you pay half of the price. Especially if you have kids and a mortgage and a long term financial plan that's getting derailed.

 

I hate being disadvantaged by things I can't control. I'm used to controlling problems, not letting problems control me while I sit back and take it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The idea that you can control everything is an illusion. Give it up. It is never going to happen. People terrorize themselves with the idea that they are always going to control life. Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans. Now, that said, many times,yes you will have control. However life is not a straight uphill climb where everything works out. Some things will ALWAYS be outside your control.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I actually eventually got divorced with this being one reason. My ex-husband got laid off and I was very supportive for a long time, but eventually discovered he actually enjoyed not working and wasn't making strong attempts to find work, and judged himself as 'too good' for most of the jobs he was qualified for. He enjoyed being unemployed to the point where he started to behave badly at work and I went thru several spells of unemployment with him, and him TRYING to lose his job or pressuring me to let him quit for this reason or that.

 

It was one reason I eventually divorced him because he really just wanted a free ride on my income and to not work.

 

This unfortunately can happen a lot, where there are so many things to 'distract' and entertain a person these days (gaming, internet, social networks, entertainment DVDs/online etc.), that some people get a taste for being unemployed and will find ways to ensure their partner or someone else ends up supporting them.

 

So there is a big difference between someone who is unemployed thru no fault of their own and actively seeking any work they can find, vs. someone who is willing to be a slacker and let their partner bear the financial load in the relationship.

 

The professional advice is that if someone is really serious about working, if after a reasonable amount of time they can't obtain their 'dream job', they will take ANY job that they can find just to stay employed while looking for a better one. I've found that many people who say they 'can't find a job' view themselves as 'too good' to work a job that they see as lesser than their ideal job or 'beneath' them, meanwhile they sit around doing nothing while someone else supports them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dealing with this right now, actually.

 

It was tough at first, and I did resent him, but we've settled into it and are working as a team now. He takes care of the house (for the most part) job hunts, is doing some online learning, and exercises. The only two things that really bug me are that he's turned somewhat nocturnal, meaning I go to bed alone every night, and obviously, he isn't bringing in paycheques, so we're living like students again. He wasn't safe and was very unhappy at his job, so I am grateful that he got out when he did, I have him with me, and we can get by on my income plus his little bit of EI until he finds something else.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

When my husband first came to Canada he had a LOT of trouble finding a job. He was unemployed for 8 months before he found his current position and it was REALLY hard. I had a barely more than minimum wage job, but had to foot all the expenses. He wasn't eligible for EI (obviously because he hadn't worked in Canada yet) or Welfare because if you sponsor someone into the country neither you nor the person you sponsored are eligible for ANY kind of social assistance for the first 3 years they are here.

 

He had a background as an accounting clerk. He went through a program designed to help immigrants find work. Had some interviews, but they all wanted "Canadian experience" which of course, he didn't have.

 

Eventually he got hired with a large fitness company in Canada doing office admin work. It is far below what he is trained to do and he doesn't make even close to what he should be making but it is a job, and he has been there now for almost 3 years.

 

It is REALLY tough when one partner is footing the bills. I know it took a huge toll on him as well because he had never been unemployed in his life. Dealing with it was a big blow to his confidence. What helped get us through it is knowing that he was taking steps EVERY day to find work. He didn't just give up and sit in his housecoat all depressed. He kept at it every day until he found something.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

For some people...not working becomes a habit. Unless their ego is tied to being supportive and a true partner....it can easily turn into some of the above stories...lip service to looking for a job and spending all day on the internet and other hobbies while you foot the bills along with all of the other stuff ---raising the kids, cooking and cleaning..

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Heh...try 4 mos. unemployed, screwed up his unemployment benefits after 6 weeks, *and* had racked up $25k of credit card debt behind my back a few years prior to becoming unemployed. Welcome to my life from Sept up until a couple weeks ago.

 

Resent him? Some days it takes every bit of self-control not to completely go off on him. I'm back in therapy trying to deal with the anger.

 

I like our house, I like having heat and light and running water and internet and decent food and good credit. What other choice did I have but to find a way to keep the bills paid? Oh, sure, my savings is pretty much tapped out now and I'm stressed beyond belief, but I will keep on keeping on because it's better than the alternative.

 

He, however, is on notice that his financial ways need to change immediately because I'm not bailing his ass out again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hiding debt...I would be PISSED. I know someone, been married for over five years, two kids with another one on the way, recently found her spouse has almost $100,000 in debt. 90% of it from before they were married. If someone lied to me like that I would be gone.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hiding debt...I would be PISSED. I know someone, been married for over five years, two kids with another one on the way, recently found her spouse has almost $100,000 in debt. 90% of it from before they were married. If someone lied to me like that I would be gone.

 

It's easy to say that when it's theoretical. Very different when you've been married for 11 years and other parts of the relationship are good.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I got let go in November due to the economy. Its been hard. I am depressed but we managed to cut our expenses in half by moving into my granddads old house so financial pressure is off right now and were happy here in our new home.

 

I am applying for jobs. I got professional advice on my CV/resume and interview tips. If I dont have work by february, I will qualify for an internship where I will get an extra 50 a week on top of social welfare and I can gain experience.

 

I am considering all my options: setting up my own business, voluntary work, internship, as well as applying daily.

 

Its tough though. I have good experience and qualifications-very good resume but I am finding it hard to even get interviews right now.

 

I do worry my bf will get frustrated with me but so far he has been quiet supportive and keeps saying how we are a team etc

 

I am finding it really tough as I have always been ambitious. Fingers crossed my luck will change soon. Good luck to you too (people in a similar rut)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I honestly think the best thing a couple can do is to have an appropriate buffer that is equal to the number of months that it usually takes to get a job in their field.

 

The time to get a job in the U.S. now averages between 3-9 months depending on the person's field and qualifications. so the best 'defense' is banking enough savings to try to prevent that extra stress on the family, and then for the unemployed person to hit the ground running and seek every possible opportunity rather than holding out for the 'perfect' job or a job that is equal to their prior job.

 

They should take ANY job, and if it is not exactly the job they want, they can continue looking for a better one while working the lesser job. Long spells of unemployment are just so stressful on so many levels, it is better to work any job at all while trying to get a better one rather than to let the stress and uncertainty drag on and on.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

btw, another classic mistake is people see unemployment benefits as if it were a paycheck, i.e., they decide they won't really kick into gear to look for work or take a lesser job as long as that unemployment check is coming. Then they start to panic when they realize that their unemployment is almost over, and only start seriously looking the month or two before it runs out.

 

Given that the average time to find a job is usually somewhere around 6 months, they need to start seriously looking for any job the second they get that pink slip, and take it whether they have unemployment compensation still left or not.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Nothing is accomplished by taking any job because you will be miserable going to work which will affect your job performance. And once you start a job then is no looking for another because how can you go on interviews while working at a new job? So that's why any job you apply to you have to make sure that you like something about it.

 

Take me for example, I lost my job as a long time job coach and then when I lost my job in 2013 I wasn't eligible for unemployment because I wasn't at the job long enough. So i had no income and had to pay rent on credit but did I take any job? No, I applied to jobs i knew that I would like and pay the bills. So I knew i would never apply to fast food or retail so I applied to a position that is in a office environment and involves data entry. The job is similar to my previous jobs since it involves working in a cubicle and administrative tasks. So that's what people should do when they are unemployed, create a list of jobs they are willing to do to survive while setting goals for the future.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

btw, another classic mistake is people see unemployment benefits as if it were a paycheck, i.e., they decide they won't really kick into gear to look for work or take a lesser job as long as that unemployment check is coming. Then they start to panic when they realize that their unemployment is almost over, and only start seriously looking the month or two before it runs out.

 

Given that the average time to find a job is usually somewhere around 6 months, they need to start seriously looking for any job the second they get that pink slip, and take it whether they have unemployment compensation still left or not.

 

sorry life doesn't work like that

 

if someone loses their job after 5 or more years after never being laid off, they can't just jump up and start looking for work because they have to get over the shock of losing their job. And the purpose of UC is to find a job that is

 

1. Better than your last job

2. Similar to your last job

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...