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Guys: Advice on how we can deal when you pull away....


JA0371

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This is for the guys mostly because we've all heard of the 'rubber band' theory on how men back off during certain parts of a relationship.

 

My questions are:

 

Do you realize you are doing this? Or is it something that just happens?

 

Is there anything we (women) can do to keep that from happening? Are we part of the reason?

 

What do you need during this phase from us? What should we NOT do?

 

Looking forward to your responses

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If I feel loved I reciprocate. If I feel ignored I keep my distance assuming you want space. In a relationship the dynamic consists of two people, in my opinion I don't believe the rubber band theory is true. Just miscommunication and misunderstandings.

 

Simple answer, ask him about it.

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I don't think men realize they are doing it, because what are they really doing? Men settle into relationships where women (for the most part) are always worried about "the spark"

 

The best thing you can do in any relationship is continually work on being happy and never make each other want to leave. Hearing someone complain every day about how "I wish it were like the beginning" isn't making them happy.

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I don't think men realize they are doing it, because what are they really doing? Men settle into relationships where women (for the most part) are always worried about "the spark"

 

The best thing you can do in any relationship is continually work on being happy and never make each other want to leave. Hearing someone complain every day about how "I wish it were like the beginning" isn't making them happy.

 

 

Yeah, I agree with you Edmund. I wish I knew the answer to the reverse question! Although, in hindsight, there were definitely warning signs. I learned a lot. Like Edmund said, I think I sort of settled into things (because I was too busy later in the relationship and took things for granted - I'll never do that again), whereas my ex lost the "spark" towards the end.

 

As for me...I don't think I was pulling away so much that I was sort of just resigned to how things were at that time. In my mind, I had to just finish grad school and focus on that, and then I would have all the time in the world to make my (now ex) gf happy. Granted, she was doing her PhD, so my being busy isn't entirely to fault, but I do think I am partially at blame because I was just going with the status quo.

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I know about the stereotype but I really would treat this as an individual situation -not all men do this and those that do probably behave in different ways and at different times and of course there's the variable of each individual woman needs a different amount and type of attention, etc.. I always gave a man twice the space he seemed to need if I felt him pulling away.

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The flip side of space = neglect/inatttentiveness/complacency. To Batya's point of giving 2x the space required: good plan. Except then read the other responses: then does he assume WE want space? So now, we've each retreated to their corners, and nobody is advancing the ball. My prior mismanagement of this space problem leads to me to tell a man I am serious with:

 

"It is important that we keep dating. Can we set aside Saturday nights as our date night, and agree that we each have a responsibility to ask the other one out, roughly taking turns just as we do now?"

 

Before one is serious, I think this is a challenge. In the past, I have worried that we each are giving each other space and that nobody will break the "cone of silence" (for you Get Smart fans). I will break the silence with a trial balloon text -- and gotten responses back 100% of the time. But I don't like this. I feel like I make myself cheaper by being the first one to reach out.

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I remember waaaaaay back when, when my now hubby did that to me. We were going together exclusively for a good six months and then he just pulled back for no reason. I got on with my life, enjoyed my friends, did my hobbies, went out with the girls. When he saw that I wasn't chasing him. He stopped and came back to see where I got to. We've been married 3 decades now.

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I'm not a guy but I can only imagine that it's way more attractive to a guy if you just get on with your life, nobody wants somebody whinging to spend time with them.

 

I've found that (on the whole) when a guy either tells me he doesn't want anything with me any longer or just disappears, and I accept and don't bother him, he comes back round. The guy I'm currently seeing has gone off the radar (unusually for him) for a few days twice now and, because I'm genuinely happy and busy and don't worry about it, he's come back round by himself both times. I mean sure, he could just be lonely after a few days but the trick is that I don't actually care or analyse his motives, I just enjoy his company when I have it.

 

I have too many good things in my life to be bogged down by somebody deciding they don't want me.

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I remember waaaaaay back when, when my now hubby did that to me. We were going together exclusively for a good six months and then he just pulled back for no reason. I got on with my life, enjoyed my friends, did my hobbies, went out with the girls. When he saw that I wasn't chasing him. He stopped and came back to see where I got to. We've been married 3 decades now.

 

TWT I like this story. I will keep it in mind next time I reach into the abyss, and just maybe I will stop myself. Thank you!

 

A necessary detail: you went on with your life and your friends: you did NOT include him among your friends. He was in or out, without the privilege of being IN under a different pretext. Nicely done.

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TWT I like this story. I will keep it in mind next time I reach into the abyss, and just maybe I will stop myself. Thank you!
Glad to help

 

A necessary detail: you went on with your life and your friends: you did NOT include him among your friends. He was in or out, without the privilege of being IN under a different pretext. Nicely done.
Precisely. Now, mutual friends did see me out and about with my gurls having a good time and I'm sure it got back to him. I'll not pretend that I didn't miss him but being active and having a life outside of him made it a heck of a lot more easy to bear while he "caved" (see Men Are From Mars, Women are From Venus for an explanation of the "caved" referrence. )
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My questions are:

 

Do you realize you are doing this? Or is it something that just happens?

 

Is there anything we (women) can do to keep that from happening? Are we part of the reason?

 

What do you need during this phase from us? What should we NOT do?

 

Looking forward to your responses

 

At this point (currently 30), I have a pretty good idea of what I want. If I want that, I go for it and read her signals along the way. If I'm getting blown off (intentionally or unintentionally) I back off because that's an indicator to me that either a woman is not into me or too busy to date more seriously. No harm no foul. Every situation is different though.

 

I put myself out there to a woman if I like her so it's clear. I've begun to learn over the years how to gauge different women to see far how I need to put myself out there. That said, I will not beg or chase a woman because I have options and find it rude, immature, and disrespectful if a woman continues to play hard to get after I've made it clear through actions and words that I like her.

 

On the other hand, if a woman comes on too strong, I will back off a bit to give myself some time to think. My previous interactions with her dictate how I communicate that to her. If they've been serious, I'll be open about it. If they've been super-light and casual, I'll likely just back off.

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I have met some guys that are so needy I question their gender jk but most guys I know are very in to their own world even if they fall in love, they go right back to doing their own thing. This is why most women feel unappreciative or ignored when the guys do this because the woman is still trying to keep the 'fire' going. so no i dont think most men realize it but i think they do know when their significant other is also pulling away.

 

also im not trying to blame the men on here... know lots of men who worked long hours to provide a nice living and be able to take their gf/wife out every weekend but will still get dumped. It's all about compatibility.

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Enjoy time for yourself, don't pull back yourself, like someone said, she went on with her life. But you need to enjoy your life, i know personally I've become too comfortable, and led to us breaking up. I fell out of love, when i pulled back she chased me away. I don't do this anymore, i took my ex for granted. My current girlfriend and i have been together for 4 months, i think a big contributing factor is that we both have no problem telling each other what we think, knowing that if i don't keep being a good boyfriend she will leave and she knows I'll leave, keeps us on our toes on a good way and the passion is still like we just met.

 

So, go out, do some things for you,if it becomes a problem then talk it out, explain you felt he wanted some space and that is all. Good luck!

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Men are usually tasked with chasing women... some more than others... at some point... the chase is done. No one really wants to chase all the time, some dont even want to chase- i hate chasing, but i do it at times because its the general rule, and every time i do it i throw my phone on my bed and forget all the set-ups and attempts for see me as a better option. After that, the tables usually turn (they chase me, at least in my case). Some women get insecure, others just bring down their wall, or they just naturally open up and get comfortable with the man - some men realize the chase is over and the race is done. If i have to keep chasing her forever, she wont last a few weeks, so when i see the show is over, my level of aggression stops, my feelings do grow... but chasing doesnt equal the mans level of love/feelings all the time. Dates are paid for by her sometimes, or by "us", she stops wearing make up around me all the time, she wears jogging pants, i stop drowning myself in cologne, she sees my 5 o clock shadow - and a relationship begins.

 

Now, some guys take it too far and forget how to keep the spark going... they dont need the engine running all day... sorry, but no one is worth chasing forever... but, you have to turn the engine on at times to make each other know that they are both valuable and worth keeping.

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  • 2 weeks later...
I remember waaaaaay back when, when my now hubby did that to me. We were going together exclusively for a good six months and then he just pulled back for no reason. I got on with my life, enjoyed my friends, did my hobbies, went out with the girls. When he saw that I wasn't chasing him. He stopped and came back to see where I got to. We've been married 3 decades now.

 

How exactly was he pulling back? Was he ready to end things or confused about them? Did you just not talk to him or see him?

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also im not trying to blame the men on here... know lots of men who worked long hours to provide a nice living and be able to take their gf/wife out every weekend but will still get dumped. It's all about compatibility.

 

LOL I don't know any woman-thank goodness -who would stay with a man just because he provided for her financially and took her out on dates. Or a man who would expect that that would be enough. And I don't think it's about getting "dumped" -you are right that it can be about compatibility and there's no "dumping" there's simply going separate ways. There's a difference.

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How exactly was he pulling back? Was he ready to end things or confused about them? Did you just not talk to him or see him?

 

He didn't call me, he started to hang with his friends more and me less, when I called him his mother said he had gone out with his guy friends and didn't even tell me. Frankly, I thought were were a gonner but it was my older brother that cautioned me not to keep calling him or pushing him to be with me and just let him come back. If after a few weeks or whatever of time he didn't stop to find out where I was then I should just call him and tell him that since it's clear he was not wanting a relationship any longer then I'll officially end it and wish him well. I did'nt have to do that and I think during that cooling off period is when I gave him the freedom to decide that I was the one he wanted. I didn't try to force his feelings for me on him. He learned on his own that he valued me.

 

I learned this: It feels counter-intuitive but: When someone is running away from you, don't chase them. It only makes them run faster.

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LOL I don't know any woman-thank goodness -who would stay with a man just because he provided for her financially and took her out on dates.

 

Strangely, I don't know any woman who wouldn't be thrilled if she could find a man that did those two things, because it seems like most of us don't. They can't even get their guys to be faithful or stop looking at porn, let alone earn his keep financially and take her on dates that don't involve McDonald's.

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This is for the guys mostly because we've all heard of the 'rubber band' theory on how men back off during certain parts of a relationship.

 

My questions are:

 

Do you realize you are doing this? Or is it something that just happens?

 

Is there anything we (women) can do to keep that from happening? Are we part of the reason?

 

What do you need during this phase from us? What should we NOT do?

 

Looking forward to your responses

 

I'm not a guy, but I do find myself pulling back at times. I do know that the only time I pull back is when I'm not interested. I recently experienced a situation where I had met a guy, we got along really well, but I couldn't see myself in a relationship with him. I explained this to him and he was extremely surprised. I told him that I didn't think we were compatible, but he responded by saying that he thought we were "very compatible". I could only see him as a (potential) friend.

 

I've come to realize that if there's any pull back, the person pulling back just isn't interested. Whether it's me pulling back or the guy I'm seeing, if the pull back is happening, it's time to move on.

 

If a guy is pulling back with me, I just let it happen. I don't try to stop it from happening. It just means that he isn't the guy for me, and like some of the other posts here, I carry on with my life.

 

I should also note that I once had a guy contact me out of the blue who I thought dropped off the face of the earth! He apologized for leaving me hanging and he went on to say something along the lines of: "I'm sure you resent me for what happened, and I can't say I blame you...", blah, blah, blah. I responded by saying that I never resented him, he just made me realize that we weren't compatible, which made it easier for me to move on (I played my feelings down a bit at this point, but didn't think I had any other choice since I felt he left me hanging). He didn't know how to respond to this! However, he did mention that he couldn't believe how it easy it seemed for me to let go and move on to someone else. Now he's making more of an effort than ever before. Problem is, I just don't trust him as much as I'd like to (due to what happened). Dating can be so tiring sometimes...

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I think it's the company YOU keep Blue. They settle for less or they expect to change them into who they want them to be instead of actually getting with who are like what they want.

 

Well, yeah. We don't talk about class all that much on ENA, but...I'm down here in the lower social strata, and expectations are pretty basic. Just off the top of my head, I can't think of a guy I know that's faithful and financially-providing, let alone doing extra stuff like "special dating attention" or whatever you want to call it.

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Strangely, I don't know any woman who wouldn't be thrilled if she could find a man that did those two things, because it seems like most of us don't. They can't even get their guys to be faithful or stop looking at porn, let alone earn his keep financially and take her on dates that don't involve McDonald's.

 

This is very un-PC but....

 

That's so ghetto.

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This is very un-PC but....

 

That's so ghetto.

 

LMFAO!!!

 

My ex and I once had a date to Taco Bell. Don't hate. It was her idea. We were doing an experiment to see if Supersize Me was true when they said fastfood had bad psychological side effects. Both of us were healthy eaters, but after eating Taco Bell, we were both practically suicidal for the hour that ensued afterwards.

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LMFAO!!!

 

My ex and I once had a date to Taco Bell. Don't hate. It was her idea. We were doing an experiment to see if Supersize Me was true when they said fastfood had bad psychological side effects. Both of us were healthy eaters, but after eating Taco Bell, we were both practically suicidal for the hour that ensued afterwards.

 

Oh I've got nothing but love !

 

And I'm sure not above eating fast food on a date now and again, or actually, a few other things that could be considered 'lower class'.

 

But what Blue was talking about was the living, breathing, stereotypes you see in some of the rougher parts of town. Women getting with men who don't work (or do for a few weeks, then lose or quit their jobs again), have babies from all sorts of men but are moving these moochers in, etc. etc. Very very low expectations when it comes to a partner. He can cheat, lie, have STDs, hang out at the bar all night, deal drugs....but it's a MAN>

 

Whole other ball of wax, IMO, than people liking some Taco Bell on occasion. lol. Whole other weird sub set world, IMO, where "it's all good". ALL.

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Strangely, I don't know any woman who wouldn't be thrilled if she could find a man that did those two things, because it seems like most of us don't. They can't even get their guys to be faithful or stop looking at porn, let alone earn his keep financially and take her on dates that don't involve McDonald's.

 

I don't know anyone personally who is like that or would have those types of standards. Obviously it exists, I just can't relate on a personal level.

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