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Inexcusable behavior and I still want him? ?


beachtowel76

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I've been married for a little over five years. My husband has had periods of physically abusive behavior toward me and my daughter, who is not his child. Now he just beat up my sister. He never hits *me*...it's people around me.

 

He left the house and he's staying away for the 90 days that I asked for, during which he is taking anger management counseling, which I don't really have a lot of faith in, honestly.

 

The kicker is why do I still want to be with him? I've journalled and journalled, talked to a therapist, my best friend, you name it. So much has happened it seems like there is no way this marriage can survive. But I can't bring myself to let him go, to hurt him, and I feel like a loser and a traitor to those he has hurt, as much as if I'd been the one to hurt them. I never thought I would be in this situation...I'm smart and independent and good to go financially.

 

I would really like to hear from people who've been there and how they resolved these feelings and got past them. Did your abuser ever change? If so, what made that happen? Did you feel the same way as I am? How did you get past it?

 

My daughter is off at school now, and I need to make my home safe for her return. It's not safe as long as my husband is here and still thinks it's ok to behave like this. And of course he's got loads of work to do with her, too. What a mess.

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It is very common for victims of abuse to still go back to their abuser - I did the same for years, and then fell for him once again after a two year break. They never change, believe me. You can harbor hopes, but they wont be realistic, and you will spend you life waiting for him to become someone else, and watching people around you being beaten.

Leave ASAP, have a spine and start living without him. Get your daughter out of that house.

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No, I wouldn't count on a change. There may be periods of better behavior but it always resurfaces. The biggest thing that helped me finally leave my ex was when I realized that THIS is what I'm showing my kids is a "normal" relationship. Once that really sunk in I thought about how I'd feel seeing them in the same situation as adults and it made me sick. Imagine seeing your daughter in an abusive relationship and wondering if the years of seeing you with this abusive man contributed to her settling for abuse. Seeing their parent(s) in this kind of relationship somewhat normalizes it for them.

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My husband has had periods of physically abusive behavior toward me... He never hits *me*

 

These seem contradictory to me.

 

My husband has had periods of physically abusive behavior toward... my daughter

 

and this isn't enough to make you mad?

 

Now he just beat up my sister.

 

Seriously? And you're not done.

 

So you're ok losing a sister?

 

The kicker is why do I still want to be with him?

 

Well why do you?

 

You know what you feel - what is it?

 

Were you abused as a kid? Because people who were abused as children tend to confuse abuse with love. That's the only explanation I can come up with.

 

But I can't bring myself to let him go, to hurt him... I never thought I would be in this situation...I'm smart and independent and good to go financially.

 

But why do you feel responsible for him?

 

I feel like a loser and a traitor to those he has hurt

 

You are.

 

You're showing him loyalty rather than them.

 

You're prepared to let him hurt them, you're prepared to lose them... but why?

 

Why do you feel you can't do better than this? Why do you not think you deserve better than this?

 

of course he's got loads of work to do with her, too.

 

No, he doesn't. You shouldn't let this man be around your child.

 

You're supposed to protect her. Right now, she has to live with your choices but when she grows up she's going to hate you and have no respect for you.

 

What a mess.

 

Btw: that sounds flippant.

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Au revoir, b*tches!

 

This is what you need to tell your husband not some strangers on a forum.

 

It doesn't even matter why you feel the way you do, what matters is that your child's feelings and safety need to be above your own selfish feelings. You are responsible for your daughter, she doesn't have anyone closer than you.

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He's physically attacking your loved ones. Unless you want to see you sister or daughter in a body bag, you should get away from him ASAP. He will change, he will actually escalate! Be careful, please talk to an abused women's counselor about how to leave.

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Thanks for all the support. It's always helpful when self righteous people take an opportunity it to make themselves feel superior by being nasty to others. Sounds a lot like my husband. Au revoir, b*tches!

 

All abusive relationships are horrible, of course. But when they strike your own child, especially - And you still think it's workable - You ARE a traitor. You are placing your idealistic feelings above your child's well-being. Fact. You're going to have to face that, and own it. Because she is your responsibility. She depends on you. She relies on you to take care of her. You failed her, but you don't have to continue to.

 

Your feelings of desire and longing for him are not the big problem - It's what you do with those feelings that have the potential to be. Yes, it's "normal" to still feel longing and care for someone who is abusive, there's a twisted dynamic here. However, you can feel that way but act another.

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First relationship I was ever in was emotionally abusive and then it escalated to physical abuse. I left him when he hit me though, that was the one line in the sand through which I did and don't let people cross. Ever. Had he ever touched any of my family I would probably be sitting in prison right now and you know what, it would be worth it. No one touches another person who I love. That's the attitude you have to develop and if it's not there for you then you need to do your daughter and family a huge favor and get them as far away from you as possible if you're going to choose this man over them. Even if it's that you pick up the phone and call Social Services and tell them, "I let this guy attack my child and my family and I can't stop myself from allowing him to do that. Help me, help them." And then you suck it up and you let the authorities save them. Because the alternative if you won't grab everyone and disappear while he's away right now, is that one day sooner or later you will be burying one of the people you love. And even if he's the one who killed them that blood is on your hands too.

 

I know I'm being harsh with you. You need that, because apparently therapy and all these other things you say you've done haven't worked. I worked in a woman's shelter in L.A. for way too many years to sugarcoat what I'm about to say to you. Get out now while he's gone, disappear, get court orders, fight back and be ruthless about getting him out of your life, have your sister file a police report and press charges so he goes to jail, you file a police report to send him to jail. Do whatever it takes to get him out of your life legally. So you love him, so what. You're not an animal who is dictated by your emotions. And this man is a loaded gun that you choose to point at anyone's head who is unfortunate enough to be around you all the time you stay with him. So put the gun down now and leave.

 

You are going to have to draw a line in the sand of your own at some point although frankly, you should have done it back when he first hit you let alone your daughter. She's a child and you are letting him attack her. She should be removed from your care and I don't say that to hurt you, I say it to get you to wake up. And now he's attacked your sister, who frankly should be grabbing her niece and running for the hills leaving you and him far behind. That's what I would do if I were in their situation. At the least I hope someone calls the cops on you both if you won't do it yourself.

 

How did I remove myself from my own abusive relationship? It's simple I walked away when I realized that just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be with them, that they are right for you, that you have to put those you love and yourself in danger. And when he stalked me I filed charges and when he showed up at my place of employment having gotten a job there I immediately told my boss and security who he was and what he'd done and watched as they escorted him off the property. I got a restraining order and he left my state the next day after realizing I was serious about never letting him back into my life. I still loved him at that point too, but love is just an emotion like any other one you experience. I wasn't about to let my hormones or my bad judgment ruin mine or anyone else's lives by having an abuser in it. And guess what, three months later I woke up and didn't love him any more. Some 30 years later I have zero idea what I ever saw in the guy to begin with. So much for the "true love" that I thought I had with him when I was 19.

 

You are a thinking human being, not an animal in heat so no love doesn't mean squat when it comes to letting yourself and those around you get abused by this animal. It means you choose to put others at risk who are getting hurt, because you refuse to get them to safety over some imagined "I can't leave him, I love him" which is just an excuse. You know and I know it having been there. So you love him, so what. Man up and load up your daughter and family and disappear now. Treat this guy like the Cobra loose in the house that he is, he will sooner or later strike one or all of you dead.

 

I know you don't want to hear this. And will he ever change, sure. He'll get worse since you demonstrate to him over and over that you will just keep letting him come back to abuse those around you more and more. I have zero sympathy for you. I've seen too many people end up in body bags when someone like you says, "Oh I know he's a monster, but I'm going to let him keep hurting those around me and me until someone is dead, because I let my emotions and not my head dictate my actions."

 

Sorry, no passes here. Get your family to safety and if you won't leave him then you suck it up and you be his punching bag instead of letting those around you including a child take his blows.

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I just saw the response you left while I was putting time, energy and effort into trying to get you to wake up.

 

It's not self-righteousness that you're seeing in these responses. It's total strangers telling you that you have a child and a sister who you should be more concerned with saving from a dangerous person than your own feelings right now. You asked for opinions, we gave it to and if you don't like the responses fine, but don't mislabel it for something it isn't. You actually have total strangers who are worried about the safety of your family and you and you choose to respond as if we were telling you not to smoke or drink. Get a grip, these are human lives we're talking about here.

 

And no, abusers never change. Your therapist should've told you that and if you don't want to believe us do everyone a favor and go talk to the cops at your local precinct about what they know of people who abuse others. Ask them if these guys or gals ever change, they'll tell you.

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Thanks for all the support. It's always helpful when self righteous people take an opportunity it to make themselves feel superior by being nasty to others. Sounds a lot like my husband. Au revoir, b*tches!
Get defensive all you want. Doing so doesn't change the fact that you have stayed with a man that has physically abused your daughter. That is enough for me to read to know that your child can do better then you and this man as her parents.

 

Keep getting the help you need to control your reactions to the truth (that hurts but still makes it the truth). Make sure your therapist is proficient in codependency issues because you are wrought with the addiction of your choice of drug known as "Bad Boyfriend." You need to rehab from him and said addiction and going to some 12 step programme like Al-anon or Codependents Anonymous will help you to stay away once you've cleansed yourself from the addiction to the drama and the push-pull-up-down dynamic you've become accustomed to in order to feel ANYTHING.

 

Your daughter should be your first priority. Her safety and emotional health is far more important then your addiction. Don't wait to hit your rock bottom before you get to a better place. Your little girl in counting on you to protect and love her and to keep unhealthy people away from her.

 

To take this man back/to stay with this man is teaching her about relationship in a very unhealthy view. Do you want her to end up marrying a man that beats her just like you have? Surely you do not.

 

Don't get offended at the reality that is your life spelled out to you. Don't look in the mirror that is being held up to you and blame us for clarifying what you, so far, have failed to see.

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In case you're still lurking... (lets hope so because you are a lost soul who needs help) then here are some links that might help you to see. If you know what ails you, you'll have a better chance of overcoming it.

 

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Obviously if your therapist hasn't coaxed you into NOT wanting anything other then what you've always gotten, then you're with the wrong person. Seek out another one and ask before committing if they are proficient in codependency issues. If they are'nt then don't commit.

 

What was your own childhood like. Was your mother abused by your father? Was your father absent? Were the positive role models or poor ones like you're currently being to your own daughter? Things to think about while you cacoon in your defensivness.

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People have given you the advice you NEED. Paris wrote a long, very well thought out response to you, sprinkled with personal experience. I really hope you come back and read them. You may be just one(let that sink in - Just ONE) of your husband's victims, but you aren't one here and that mentality won't work here. This is one of the problems in abusive relationships, is that learned defensiveness. Plus of course, owning what's going on here is tremendously painful and it's easier to be angry at everyone else and let the ego speak for you.

 

The facts, because they need to be reiterated:

 

He hurts your family. He hurts a girl who is half of you. You're her mother. You're supposed to be her hero. Yet you are acting the role of a villain just like your husband - You don't have to lay one hand on her or berate her to inflict just as much damage on her as he does. Probably more, in actuality. Because she trusts you to keep her safe, a safe home for her to play in, learn in, eat in, sleep peacefully at night in, safe and loving people to be present in it - not to feel like home is not her sanctuary, instead a scary place where she lives in fear of the next blow - Where is mom to protect me? 90 days of peace for your daughter, and THEN what? You're messing with her head. Why your family hasn't called CPS yet, I just don't know but someone needs to do it if you allow him back in that home.

 

Let's focus on what you are fortunate for, for a moment: You're financially stable. So many women of these relationships have to go live in shelters and worry about where their next meal will come from in order to get out from underneath this kind of marriage. While that's 1000% preferable to an abusive situation, the point is you're financially "good to go" and don't have that concern. How lucky you are.

 

As Paris says: You're not an animal. So what if you love him? You can still love him, divorced, with your daughter and family safe and away from him. You might love him still for a long time. It doesn't mean you are helpless and bound to this situation.

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I guess OP will think about it all only after he starts hitting her (hopefully she opens her eyes and gets out faster), not her child or her sister. Because now - why should she care - its not her who is getting beaten up!

I feel sorry for your child and for your sister. Your husband does whatever he wants, and you prefer to avoid actions against it.

And I am sorry for you, because you call that LOVE. Someone who loves you wont do what he does.

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I initially wasn't going to respond to anything here but this post below takes the cake.

 

I came here not looking for an excuse to stay with him, but for help in overcoming feelings that were both confusing and unwanted, because I want to do the right thing by myself and my child and I do not consider staying with him the right thing. To anyone with reading comprehension this should have been easy to figure out. Who on earth is going to come here looking for help to STAY with an abuser?

 

But I guess the trolls who responded with an abundance of sarcasm, criticism, their imaginings of what they'd do if they were in my shoes, etc., couldn't figure out that that was what I wanted or needed, since their need to feel better than others compelled them to write replies that were completely and utterly unhelpful, both in tone and in advice. There were maybe two replies that I could use, that were helpful, that's it. This board has really devolved.

 

It's a good thing I'm not someone who had finally worked up the courage to seek support somewhere for the first time, and after receiving their verbal thrashing, decided to go back into their shell for another few years. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves for putting your selfish superiority above the purpose of this board, which I would assume is to be of service to people in pain.

 

 

I guess OP will think about it all only after he starts hitting her (hopefully she opens her eyes and gets out faster), not her child or her sister. Because now - why should she care - its not her who is getting beaten up!

I feel sorry for your child and for your sister. Your husband does whatever he wants, and you prefer to avoid actions against it.

And I am sorry for you, because you call that LOVE. Someone who loves you wont do what he does.

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I wasn't in your shoes, because my abuser was hitting ME, not my dear ones (but he tried his best to hurt them by other things, too). So sorry, but yes - I can not feel your pain, I had my own. and when he tried to kill me I finally got my strength together and left him.

I am happy my last post at least got a reaction from you that wasn't something like "Au revoir, b*tches!" to start with.

 

Read other treads by abuse victims, who get defensive when they get ANY advice from people here, maybe you will see how typical this reaction is.

 

I wish you all the best. Hope you start signing divorce papers TODAY instead of calling people names here.

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But I can't bring myself to let him go, to hurt him,

 

Did your abuser ever change? If so, what made that happen?

It's not safe as long as my husband is here and still thinks it's ok to behave like this. And of course he's got loads of work to do with her, too. What a mess.

 

Doesn't suggest you're looking to run out the door.

 

Plenty of people come here looking for advice on how to placate their partners and for "hopeful stories" on how other people's abusers have changed.

 

It seems you'd rather waste time getting up in arms at internet strangers expressing interest in the welfare of your daughter as opposed to holding that scumbag accountable for what he's doing to the people you say you love and getting the hell away for GOOD. Don't give him one more chance to lay his hands on anyone you love.

 

I told you you should still expect to feel emotionally conflicted, and probably for some time - Maybe even a long time. That's not just going to go away. You're going to have to live with that uncomfortable cognitive dissonance for the time being and slowly you will be able to work through it with your therapist(preferably another one, especially one that's well versed in situations such as these). Sadly, some people just won't and want to close in on it.

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Once in a while I resent both of my parents. My mother for letting my father get away with hitting her during arguments and excusing it with the ''He's a man, they are more aggressive by nature'' line and my father for taking too long to realize it's never ok to hit a woman during arguments (even if she's being verbally and yells at you), that it's never ok to transform a verbal argument into physical confrontation right away esp with an opponent that can't fight you back; confronting her like she were a man. Even though he regrets not knowing how to handle her verbal tantrum and losing self-control, he still isn't the best example of a gentleman. I need a man I would never have to fear getting hit, not even if I were yelling at him. My then bf made me feel secure in that area.

OP do you want your child to feel that way for years and once in a while carry resentment and have flashbacks about it? I have distrust towards men from South America because of that. I won't ever date a man that only speaks Spanish. From what I've seen, first from the main male figure that failed me in that area (my father) and others either on the news or from other forums, they tend to have this controlling nature and if a woman yells at them or merely verbally challenges them, they already either want to hit her, make threatening gestures if they're not winning the argument and desperately want the woman to shut up while they can yell and talk whatever they want to. I'm nearly 27 and haven't totally gotten over that ethnicity, much less native Mexican or Peruvian men. Sorry, but I don't trust natural Latino men. If they are Hispanic, they have to be Americanized from an early age like my ex bf was and he would never hit me nor even dare get in my face in a threatening manner.

 

Lastly, I would rather eat manure than let a man get away with hitting me and doing nothing but cry.

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