I just want to yell and shout at her

[Aaron Hodges]

Thanks Sharky. She let me spend the first month after the breakup thinking about everything I'd done wrong before admitting she was dating him. So I know everything I would have done differently - gone through it all with my councilor in fact. She suggested I write them down in a letter and give it to her, which really helped me move past them (this was before she confirmed my biggest fears). I don't think she actually ever read it though. Don't think she wants to face it because it shows how much I was willing to recognise where i'd gone wrong and work on things. Maybe she will one day, I don't know.

 

Now I know the rest of the story, I realise it wasn't all my fault. I still recognise where I went wrong, and I hope I can move forward and fix those things. I just wish I'd had the chance to do so with her.

 

 

There's no excuse for cheating. Please, don't blame yourself. This one's on her.

 

If she had issues or problems with your relationship.... she didn't need to turn to another guy. She could've worked them out with you -- but chose instead to get swept up in the excitment and newness of the honeymoon phase with someone else. Nice!

[Ms Darcy]

In hind sight I wish I had made more effort to get us both out doing something together on an evening. I had mentioned dancing to her a number of times, but we never seemed to find the time to start it.

 

I guess I was just waiting for her to finish uni in November last year, because that was meant to take a lot of the strain off her time. We had talked about this a bit, but things just seemed to keep getting worse. We knew at the start of the year it was going to be difficult my starting work with her still studying. I guess we just underestimated how hard.

 

I would recommend that you read this book: "Uncoupling: Turning Points in Romantic Relationships" by Diane Vaughn.

 

Here is a summary: link removed

 

Many books explain why relationships end, but never before has a book shown in riveting step-by-step detail precisely how they end. Through extensive interviews and original research, Diane Vaughan reveals the underlying pattern beneath every disintegrating relationship. This is a groundbreaking book that will help anyone who has ever left a relationship--or been left--to understand "what happened". Perhaps even more important, it will help some people who don't even know their relationship is in trouble to see what is happening. Armed with a new awareness of what is usually an unconscious process--until it's too late--the partners acquire the ability to either live with it, control it, or change it. Vaughan shows that no matter what the characteristics of the couple involved, rich or poor, straight or gay, married or not, and whether they've been together 18 months or 18 years, the dynamics of the uncoupling process are essentially the same. The key to understanding how two people separate, according to Vaughan, is the role they assume in the leavetaking. Most often, one partner--the initiator--wants out of a relationship while the other wants the relationship to continue. Although both people must go through the same steps in altering their perceptions of each other and themselves, they do so at different times. By the time the still-loving partner realizes the relationship is in serious trouble, the initiator is already gone in a number of ways. Uncoupling begins with the initiator's first secret awareness of discomfort, depicts his or her search for a confidant (who is selected is a telling factor), and reveals the subtle, often barely perceptible signalling of his discontent to the partner. Vaughan traces the initiator's groping for and testing of a new single identity and depicts the initiator's confrontation with the partner. She shows how two people try and why trying often fails. Finally, she explains how the partner makes his or her own transition out of the relationship. Replete with case histories, many poignant, the book provides answers to many puzzling questions: why one person can sometimes take the end of a long-term relationship so calmly...why counseling so often fails...why one member of a couple can be so much better prepared for a single life than the other...why some people never psychologically separate...and much more.

 

Here is an excerpt from one Amazon reviewer of the book:

 

"I honestly think the author might just as well have called this one "Unfriending" or "unconnecting" or something similar and reached even a wider audience, although the focus is primarily on couples and marriages.

 

However, if your primary goal is knowing how this one could help your marriage, here's my take:

 

Instead of focusing on THE reason or reasons that marriages and relationships fall apart, the author notes that the process of separation - and, inevitably, divorce or estrangement - occurs even before the warning signs may be apparent. That infidelity that seems to be the "cause" of the divorce may be just one more step in a long progression of steps that started long before the actual affair. I think this makes sense.

 

It made sense to me that things may seem normal in a marriage and yet something is a bit worse than the day before, already shifting off-kilter. That is the type of change this book discusses, the veering away from being a couple and the distance that grows wider, day by day. It is the kind of thing that can be easy to dismiss until the inevitable happens - and by then it could be too late for therapy or counseling to help.

 

Although I'd call this more of a "philosophical study" than hard core science (even though many couples were interviewed, etc), I found it an engaging and intriguing book. This one would be worth reading before marriage and could help turn many precarious marriages back on track.

 

One of the most interesting parts of the book dealt with how unhappy partners may "revise" marital or relationship history, turning formerly happy memories into negatives in order to justify a separation.

 

Just to be clear, this review is not being written by a divorced person or someone in an unhappy marriage. I have no bones to pick, no axes to grind, etc. I simply found the book to be worth reading."

[cryingalways]

At least you will never feel the regret she will most likely do for treating you so bad one day after you were so nice to her.

 

I've got an ex that I regret treating badly in going off with other boys then always returning to him. I was very young and confused mind you.

 

But with my recent ex I have no regrets other than staying with him. But I know I did nothing wrong and it was all him messing with me. He certainly was "the bad guy". And who knows, maybe one day he will regret that like I regretted loosing my ex when I was younger by being confused.

 

I guess what I'm saying is you were a good person and she sounds like she could have dealt with the whole situation a bit better.

[sharky988]

However much certain people might like to rationalize cheating and the behaviors of cheaters.... this crosses a line of what's acceptable behavior.

 

YOU are not to blame for your partner's cheating, OP. Ever. Perhaps your cheating ex should go on Amazon and order a book about why she's so bad at relationships.

[Aaron Hodges]

Thanks I do hope she comes to regret it.

 

I think she knew when she left she'd really screwed up. She told me I was the best boyfriend, and started saying she'd been a horrible girlfriend. At the time I didn't understand and hugged her told her she was wonderful. I guess I know now why she said it

 

At least you will never feel the regret she will most likely do for treating you so bad one day after you were so nice to her.

 

I've got an ex that I regret treating badly in going off with other boys then always returning to him. I was very young and confused mind you.

 

But with my recent ex I have no regrets other than staying with him. But I know I did nothing wrong and it was all him messing with me. He certainly was "the bad guy". And who knows, maybe one day he will regret that like I regretted loosing my ex when I was younger by being confused.

 

I guess what I'm saying is you were a good person and she sounds like she could have dealt with the whole situation a bit better.

[Aaron Hodges]

Yeah, its certainly not hard to rationalise how this happened. She was having the time of her life doing her acrobatics with him, and then she'd come home and spend time with me doing your usual flatting things with me.

 

Of course, that doesn't help me at all. She did what she did, and instead of working on what for at the very least two years had been a very fulfilling relationship, she bolted into the arms of another guy.

[Ms Darcy]

However much certain people might like to rationalize cheating and the behaviors of cheaters.... this crosses a line of what's acceptable behavior.

 

YOU are not to blame for your partner's cheating, OP. Ever. Perhaps your cheating ex should go on Amazon and order a book about why she's so bad at relationships.

 

It doesn't hurt to give people information. I don't particularly understand why you are insisting anyone is blaming the OP for her cheating. That's an odd interpretation.

 

Aaron, I would recommend you read the book though. It may not mitigate your anger but it may provide some enlightenment on the break up process.

[Aaron Hodges]

Out of curiosity, would you be ok with your SO doing this sort of thing with a guy you don't really know. Do you think this is ok for someone in a significant relationship to be doing with a single male (he was originally in a relationship with another girl, but that didn't last long). This is actually a video he made of them, and when my ex showed me this it did upset me at the time. This was one of the times she reassured me they were just friends.

 

 

Oh in case you're worried, haven't actually watched it since breakup.

[Ms Darcy]

I just saw the video. For me personally, doing the acrobatics wouldn't bother me at all. In fact, the other month I crashed at the home of a single male friend of me and boyfriend because I didn't want to deal with the 1-2 hour commute on public transportation home and back the next day (it was on a weekend so scheduling became difficult.) But, had he not been comfortable with that, I wouldn't have.

 

So, what I am saying is that we have mutually discussed boundaries. I would be fine with the acrobatics ... in fact I would be interested in joining sometimes to learn a few moves. But I would not be ok with having dinner together alone afterwards.

 

This reminds me a bit of theater culture. I directed several plays in college and you do spend a lot of time with the folks involved. Relationships did form (and end) during those times. It's an intense emotional experience. If I were to do that again now, I would want my partner involved in it as much as possible - and I think he would be interested!

 

If your partner wants to do something, it's best to support the activity itself. If the partner is doing something outside of the activity (e.g. going to dinner alone with that dude) then absolutely put your foot down.

[Aaron Hodges]

I did try to support the acrobatics, I even went along occasionally (and had started going more in the last month before the breakup). I didn't want to stand in her way, because that would have just led to resentment. I like what you say about discussing boundaries. We never really had that discussion until they'd been doing it for months, and she decided they were going to do an acrobatic body art show. She mentioned it to me one night, I said I wasn't sure how comfortable I was with that (she didn't have many details, but she thought they were going to be nude except for bottoms), but the next day she had gone and signed up for it anyway.

 

After that I guess I struggled with it, but again didn't want to stand in her way. Except the idea bothered me the more I thought about it, until eventually I basically broke down and told her that it was really bothering me. We talked about it, and she assured me she didn't think of him that way, that it would be fine etc. In the end it turned out they were only wearing tight fitting clothes that were painted over, so it worked out ok. But I think it was around the time that she accepted that show that things started to go downhill.

 

I guess I never really thought about the personal boundaries, she was always very huggy and friendly with everyone, and had always hung out alone with other guys. Being my first real relationship I sort of accepted that early on. And it was difficult to know exactly how much 'other' time they were spending together since they were at uni and I was at work. I know they always met up at the gym to train during the day, sometimes had lunch together, met up in the park to muck around, and in the last month or two while he was injured she spent a lot of time not training with him. Also after he and his gf broke up she spent a lot of time with him (to comfort him she said). She started referring to him as 'one of her best friends', and I guess I just accepted this was why she spent so much time with him.

 

The problem for me was that whenever she had a big assignment coming up, she would always sacrifice time with me to do it. But I know she was still meeting up with him at uni, still going to her amateur acrobatics nights, etc. And I did talk to her about that a few times (ie. she had that body art show on a saturday, took all day and she spend the whole week before hand training. I asked her during the week if she could not go to her sunday training and spend the day with me, since she had been spending so much time doing the acrobatics. She said maybe and promptly forgot all about the conversation, went on sunday anyway).

 

Looking back now I feel like such an idiot for not seeing what was happening. It just happened so slowly, seemed to follow such a natural progression. And as it progressed I just felt more and more undermined, until at the end it felt like nothing I did was good enough and every mistake I made was an awful failure.

[Twidom]

I agree with MsDarcy in every aspect and I too do not understand why people don't give information. It pisses me off that people sometimes can't be open with their lovers.

 

It's not hard to say "Hey I think we might have a problem here". Instead they bottle everything up to the very end and just go boom on our heads.

[Ms Darcy]

I probably wouldn't have asked her not to go to Sunday training. That fuels the idea that you were not supportive of her passion.

 

For me personally, it was not the acrobatics that was the problem. It was a) the lack of communication about personal boundaries and b) the non-acrobatics time spent together. The highlighted stuff above, to have lunch, hang out in the park, and spent time to comfort him stuff - that was basically them dating. That would be unacceptable to me.

[Aaron Hodges]

It wasn't something I often asked of her, but I was feeling a bit neglected and thought it would be nice to have a day with her. The sunday trainings weren't generally serious training - she went to an amateur acrobatics club and the Sunday sessions didn't generally have many people going/were less training more messing around with the acro group.

 

I was really ok with the acrobatics for the most part, but it definitely started putting a strain on things when she started partnering up solely with him. Whether that was the extra time they were spending together or just the acro, I don't know. I just know things were far better when she was partnering up with a bunch of people from the group.

 

I probably wouldn't have asked her not to go to Sunday training. That fuels the idea that you were not supportive of her passion.

 

For me personally, it was not the acrobatics that was the problem. It was a) the lack of communication about personal boundaries and b) the non-acrobatics time spent together. The highlighted stuff above, to have lunch, hang out in the park, and spent time to comfort him stuff - that was basically them dating. That would be unacceptable to me.

[Ms Darcy]

I thought you might find this thread interesting:

[Kazuya]

I thought you might find this thread interesting: ]

 

Such threads only make it seem that women in this modern world only seek emotional fulfillment with no regards of the consequences etc etc. Disgusting.

[cryingalways]

Well, I was in a play and my crazy jealous ex was terrible with it all even though I got him as involved as I could. I wanted him involved. He was a big part of that production come the end.

 

And then I went on a small tour which involved being away only a few days every other week and he was mind blowingly terrible. I invited him to one of the nights away so he could meet everyone I was working with and he had gotten mad earlier that day because I was ill and had noticed he found my illness annoying, anyway then he told me he did not want to see anyone I worked with and if he was going to stay with me that night I would have to leave right now instead of helping out after the show. Luckily I was done anyway but that was a fun experience where he said he didn't want to go out anymore basically and then slept in the bed with me because I had begged him not to do the long commute late at night. Then I woke u and he said "I'm sorry". This continued like this throughout my job. Eventually he met some of the very small cast and my agent and he was giving me angry looks throughout then exploded in a fit of rage when we got home.

 

He wanted to ruin that job for me, at any cost. Even dumping me. Especially dumping me. He threatened to dump me many times because of his jealousy. He hated me doing something that he was not a massive part of and wouldn't become involved either because he felt insecure or that no one was paying him enough attention I think.

 

I believed that he had a point at the time because I know it's difficult when other people are in plays and the partner is not. But I also really wanted to make it work and I was not attracted to anyone I ever worked with. I think he thinks I have gone off with some actor now, or at least that's what he implied last time we spoke. I have not.

 

These relationships that grow from being in plays together or aerobics or whatever, they aren't unstoppable forces. The relationship has to not be working in some way or that person is just open to the idea of dating someone else for something like that to happen. Don't blame the aerobics is what I'm trying to say. Blame the relationship or those two.

[Aaron Hodges]

Fair enough, that sounds like it was very difficult for you though! I can't say I was every crazy jealous like that, although I did have my moments/ wasn't always as supportive as I could have been. It was just very difficult when they started only working alone together, and then planned on doing a show mostly naked together.

I know she did try and make it work for me at times. And she did occasionally try and get me involved. I regret not trying to come along more often sooner (her main training night clashed with my taekwondo), although she always kind of thought of it as 'her' thing, her time, etc, so I never felt that comfortable when I came.

I dunno, I think the circus thing was a huge catalyst in the end that forced her to make a decision about the whole thing. I think she knew she couldn't go away for 4 months or whatever with this guy and still be in a relationship with me. And in fact that was a major concern for me as well by that point. Unfortunately we never really talked about it.

 

I think it was really a perfect storm thinkinga bout it. There was:

- Her studying and my working fulltime

- Her putting in a lot of time to acro

- Neither of us realising we needed to be spending more time out doing things together

- Her developing an emotional relationship with the other guy

- My growing discomfort with her relationship with other guy, which meant I stopped being as supportive

- The usual problems that start to develop during a long term live in relationship (I think this got particularly bad because she was off having all sort of fun with this other guy)

- Lack of communication about our issues

- Her decision to apply for the circus that really drew everything to a head

 

And probably a tonne of other things. But I think that if we'd just been able to communicate better, a lot of these things could have been resolved. I know I wasn't always the best at this, but I always did eventually bring things up that were bothering me. She never did.

[cryingalways]

Yes all these things sound like valid points. However she made her own choice, she is her own person. I know how your mind wants to rationalize and analyze these things, i do it LOADS, but its not good for you. Everyone does it thougj, you cant stop it, i think its definitely part of the process of breaking up.

I would say, try not talking about it too much with friends etc in the long run, because it starts the obsessive thoughts rolling again. Be kind to yourself.

And yes it was really bad for me. That day in particular was very difficult but he just kept finding things to get angry at me about throughout the job. We also went on holiday not long before and he spent that either being distant or annoyed. Apparently my anxiety about whether or not he would get angry at me abroad ruined his holiday. I dont think he likes himself very much deep down but ive learnt you really cannot help these types of people. It still confuses me that he left me but i knew i would have to end it myself and was starting to stand up for myself so its not too suprising.

There, see? I obsess still! Bad cryingalways...

[Aaron Hodges]

I know. Trying to cut back on the thinking. Today has been a very angry day. I just get so pissed off that she gets to run off to her dream of joining the circus with another guy, have her perfect life etc. And I'm left with this awful awful pain. I honestly don't think I've ever been hurt this much in my life, and my father passed away when I was 14.

 

At least I am moving passed the regrets. I know I wasn't perfect, but what she was doing with him constantly undermining me. I know I did the best I could with what she gave me, but the fact is she prioritised her university acrobatics and time with him over me.

 

Just so ****ing angry.

[cryingalways]

So much of what you said is exactly how I feel.

 

My ex had just started uni when he dumped me. I had helped him get in (not that he gave me credit) as I had already done the same course. But yeah it seems like it must be easier for them as they're off doing what they want with life. Who knows though, maybe they're not happy. Mine was just generally unhappy always and he was getting incredibly worried the first week he started so I think he's probably gone a bit crazy with worry actually, and thinks getting rid of me will help him. He's over 30 and the course is dominated by 19 year olds. Some people would say he'll go off sleeping with students now but it would be very out of character for him. He's only slept with a couple people and was completely single for six years. But who knows...it would be weird considering he called me young and naive all the time and I'm 28. It doesn't matter anyway!

 

I am much better looking than him and he was always jealous about me having dated lots more people than him and just in general that people seemed to like me so I really shouldn't be thinking all this stuff about him. And also, it's over so as I keep telling you I must not think about it! Lol.

 

And then I also feel like I have not felt this much hurt in my life ever too. That's not representative of how good a relationship necessarily was but how hurt we are by the break up. So don't go thinking it's because it was good that your sad. It's because they have hurt you and that is bad.

 

Then I have also lost a family member. Mine was not long before I met scum bag ex poo face. And I thought it very strange that I feel more hurt now than I did when that happened.

 

I think when we are abandoned past memories of being abandoned come back so it will be connected to you feelings about your father in some way.

 

You thought you had someone who wouldn't leave, someone who loved you and would be there willingly forever?

 

I have not been very good at leaving people since my family members death. I wanted someone. I'm starting to be able to now. In order to protect myself.

 

Oddly it was my friend who kept telling me to give my ex a chance. I said I didn't like him, I said he was sleazy, I said I liked my other ex still...but she kept on saying how nice he was. So I thought I'd give him a chance. I will never make this mistake EVER again. Manipulative people manipulate others believe it or not, into saying they're great, so they can enjoy this image of being a nice guy.

 

And also my friend has been in several bad relationships. Three of her exes stalk her still after years and are psychos. She is also incredibly codependent and I have never seen her out of a relationship for more than a couple days. If she is single she will either be obsessed with a guy and on the verge of a relationship or just crying and very anxious always.

 

Anyway. It's just something I've had time to notice. It helps me view myself.

 

But yes the anger is bad. I have been REALLY angry. You have to go running or work out at least an hour a day. It will lift your mood and you can work some of that anger out through that. It has helped me a lot. And do not worry about her being off living her life in the circus. I bet you have your own ambitions and you're doing well at them too. You sound like you work hard.

 

And if your not doing enough with your ambitions get out and start. I am having to start from scratch in every element of my life. I don't have a job right now, I live with my mum and I don't know what I'm doing exactly but I know I will figure it out now that scum bag is gone and that makes me feel better sometimes. Perhaps there are things you can do now that you might not have done whilst in the relationship?

 

Also wear nice clothes out that make you look a bit sexy-not sleazy-just good. That cheers me up

[Glowguy]

Hey you have every right to be angry - it's part of the process and it's probably good that you are angry at this point. Anger is not a useful state of mind though so just take note of it when it comes and try to let go of it. You can never control the actions or behavior of other people. She left because that's what she wanted to do and she will have to deal with that decision on her own. It's a brutal blow for sure and it will take time before you can actually reflect on the relationship with a clear head. Try to take solace in the fact that you did your best to support her and you gave it your all. There are lots people who value those qualities. Were there red flags here? Absolutely. Did you give her the benefit of the doubt for too long? Yeah. The good thing about this is that you will be in a much better position to avoid these types of situations in the future. She wasn't the right person for you. It's time to start moving on and it's not going to be easy at first but you will come out the other side a better person.

[Aaron Hodges]

Thanks everyone. The worst part is I was starting to move on at the end of last year, before she decided to ring and tell me she was dating him (didn't want me to find out from someone else). That just absolutely destroyed me.

 

And I can logically list everything in my life that is better now:

- I'm going scuba diving with my cousin alot

- I'm getting out most nights and doing fun things like rock climbing, dancing, pool, touch rugby, etc.

- I'm reconnecting with friends, and realising just what amazing people some of them are - particularly my flatmate

- I'm closer with family

 

I've even slept with another girl (about 3 days after she told me) - which helped in some ways but also reminded me just what we had which wasn't so great.

 

But all these things I would have loved to have done with her. She just didn't give me that chance.

 

And at the end of the day, tbh I would still much rather be curled up in bed with her, watching television and giving her a massage with some dark chocolate for dessert, than doing all these things without her.

 

But I know that's not going to happen. I know now why the relationship ended, and I just have to keep reminding myself of that. I have to let go. I just don't know how...

[Ms Darcy]

I've even slept with another girl (about 3 days after she told me) - which helped in some ways but also reminded me just what we had which wasn't so great.

 

Half the time, people end up here because they hooked up with someone not over their ex. If only we had as much compassion for others as we do for ourselves.

[Aaron Hodges]

Oh we both knew the whole situation. She knew it was just one night, she just wanted to have a good time. I was very clear and honest about EVERYTHING I was going through, and that I wasn't looking for anything. I made sure I wasn't going to end up hurting someone, because I DONT want to be the one that inflicts this sort of pain on anyone else.

 

So we went to the carnival, I took her on a few rides, then back to her place. Tbh, I don't think it really helped or hindered me i

n either way. Probably the biggest relief is my ex is no longer the only person I've been with.

 

Half the time, people end up here because they hooked up with someone not over their ex. If only we had as much compassion for others as we do for ourselves.

[Ms Darcy]

At least you were clear. Some people are very vague.