I just want to yell and shout at her

[Aaron Hodges]

I'm still just so angry. Three years. I trusted her to spend hours doing acrobatics with another guy. She assured me that there was nothing between them. But all the while a wedge was being driven between us.

I was so stupid. I should have spoken up while it still mattered. But she was enjoying what she was doing so much, i didn't want to stand in the way. I told myself i was just being jealous. But what they were doing was just not ok. There was no way it could have ended well for me.

By the end I felt like spending time with me was becoming a chore for her. Like I was last priority behind acro and uni and her own time.

And then they decided they were going to join the circus. And they were accepted. And it was over.

She strung me along for a month. Then they were together. I found out at new years. I sent an email two days later telling her how inappropriate I thought she'd been, that what she had been doing was emotional cheating, and that because of that i just could not be friends with her (before this we had agreed to try and be friends, and see how things went).

 

I still love her. And I honestly believe all that happened started completely innocently for her. But the fact is she shattered my trust by leaving me for this guy. I want what we had back so much, but she's gone.

 

This was the girl i wanted to marry.

I still can't believe i'm never going to see her again

[sharky988]

I can understand your anger. She cheated on you. Despite how the situation began, ultimately she had an emotional affair while you were together and then left you for the other guy.

 

For her to expect "friendship" after treating you this way is laughable.

 

My last boyfriend did the same thing, and I can tell you that in my whole life I've never been so hurt and angry at an ex after a breakup -- never. Or for as long.

 

I recommend boxing, kickboxing and LOTS of physical exercise for the next several months to help work it out. At least an hour of intense exercise, every day. Just throw yourself into physical release, because it could be a while before the anger subsides and that's a healthy outlet that will actually help you feel BETTER.

 

The alternative -- contacting her? Telling her how you feel and what she did to you? Pouring out your heart in a 10 page email? That might feel better in that one split-second moment you hit the "send" button.... but it's only going to make you feel worse afterwards.

 

Much better to keep the focus on YOU and feeling better and working out that anger in a harmless way. In time, it WILL fade and you'll be able to move on and find someone who ISN'T a cheater, who really deserves to have you in their life.

 

Here's a guide that will help you: link removed

[Aaron Hodges]

Thanks Sharky.

Been knocked down twice by the breakup - first time when we broke up, and on new years day when she confirmed my worst suspicions.

I do taekwondo, but haven't really been since the breakup. Been doing as much fun stuff as possible - Touch rugby, Rock climbing, ceroc dancing, and going scuba diving tomorrow. I must get back into the taekwondo, but I've lost so much of my conditioning I'll probably die.

 

I'm just going through such a confusion of emotions. Sometimes I can almost forget what she did, almost forgive her. Other times it just comes back to the forefront of my mind and I start getting angry again I hate anger and hate, I never like to hurt people, I just want to help people. And it is so confusing to hate someone you love

 

Don't worry, I'm not going to contact her. The only contact I've had since she told me was the email I sent, because I was going insane know she thought what she'd done was fine. I only got about 8 hours sleep in three days. So I wrote the letter, got some closure, and closed the door on her. Unfortunately I think she had already well and truly prepared herself for that. She knew I wouldn't take it well - when she left I begged her not to get with him.

 

Its just so... confusing... when I thought she'd be in my life forever. Now I have to face never seeing her again. At least she's gone with the circus for 6 months, so no chance encounters to face. I shouldn't think about it, but I find it funny she talked about not being ready to commit before we broke up, and now shes literally started a relationship where she lives and works with the guy (and her entire career is reliant on him - they do partner acrobatics). Personally I would have thought that was a disaster waiting to happen, but I know I've got to stop thinking about what she's doing.

[Lucha]

Been there. It is perfectly normal what you're feeling . Just don't send the letter, I did sent a minor rant and wish I didn't. Made me feel a little immature. But on the other hand, she deserved to know that what she did was not ok. But the correct way to communicate that is through NC NC NC !!

Good for you that she's away for six months! That way you can heal. I'd sign for that!

[QWit]

Let's get one thing clear.. You are not stupid for trusting that she was out praticing acrobatics with the guy.. It shows you were not insecure and you were letting her know you trusted her.. So don't blame yourself for what happened.. This is her fault because you gave her your trust and she took it for granted.. Your feeling a perfectly normal.. The best way to handle this situation is just to go NC..

[Aaron Hodges]

Thanks for the support guys. It's really hard to adjust to this. To find yourself hating someone you love. Or loved. I honestly don't know what she is to me now. I want her to mean nothing, but it's just so hard to imagine someone you loved so much not being a part of your life anymore.

 

Worst part is people telling me she did it in the right order and , as if all that matters is that she didn't him. They were doing everything else that's part of a relationship though, and the physical crap that's involved in the acro is certainly physical enough

[silversoul]

Emotional cheating hurts even more than physical

[sharky988]

It's true -- my ex prides himself on being "a good guy" with lots of integrity and emotional honesty. Yeah, right!

 

He refused to acknowledge what he did was "cheating" and had the whole thing totally rationalized in his mind. He was completely self-righteous about it, as if he was being HONORABLE by telling me before (or possibly immediately after) having sex with the other woman. I'm sure his therapist -- and his dozens of female Facebook groupies -- were all really helpful in reassuring him that he did NOTHING wrong as well -- he has quite an online and real-life support system, cheering him on and telling him what a sweet person he is.

 

Honestly, it's been over a year since it happened, and it still makes me upset to think about it. For the first time in my life, ever, I've taken a break from dating and relationships. I just can't stomach it yet.

 

But YOU know -- just like I know, just like everyone who's been dumped for an emotional affair knows-- that it IS cheating, and it IS wrong.

 

And hopefully, one day, they'll have a chance to experience the bad karma they've created for themselves.

[jonyyy]

I'm sorry for your pain Aaron. It's because of stories like yours that lately I've been thinking that I'll never be the good guy again. Screw that, I'll never give myself and trust to anyone else, we have to protect ourselves. People can't do these things to us ever again.

 

If you notice, there is a pattern with the broken hearted fellows around here, we all have values, we all are good people that look up for and care for the other one, we all give our heart and trust to the other part, for what? For them to cheat and dump us. These people get away in the world because of people like us support them, that is SO WRONG. Enough of that.

[Lucha]

I'm sorry for your pain Aaron. It's because of stories like yours that lately I've been thinking that I'll never be the good guy again. Screw that, I'll never give myself and trust to anyone else, we have to protect ourselves. People can't do these things to us ever again.

 

If you notice, there is a pattern with the broken hearted fellows around here, we all have values, we all are good people that look up for and care for the other one, we all give our heart and trust to the other part, for what? For them to cheat and dump us. These people get away in the world because of people like us support them, that is SO WRONG. Enough of that.

 

I noticed too that the people who suffer the most from breakups are all good people with good values who give themself 100% in a relationship.. Perhaps not the way to go

[Ms Darcy]

Cheating aside for a moment, she joined the circus. Are you also a part? Because I am thinking your futures were going in a very different trajectory.

[Aaron Hodges]

Thank you for the support everyone. I wish I could say you were wrong about being the nice guy, but I'm just so hurt I can't help but think you're right. I know I wasn't always the best boyfriend, especially over the last 6 months. But I know I was hurting a lot because I could feel this distance growing between us, and I just couldn't seem to overcome it. I always suspected it was all the time she was spending with him, but I didn't want to ask her to stop because she was having so much fun. Or maybe I was just afraid. I know I did bring it up a couple of times, but somehow all she took out of it was that I hated acrobatics. And she assured me multiple times they were 'just friends'.

 

Before she met him, the acrobatics were just a hobby. She actually just finished her university degrees in chemistry and english language teaching.

 

Even when she announced she was joining the circus, after the initial shock I was willing to support her while she was away. She actually won't be travelling more than 2 hours from my city (we live in NZ, so things are fairly close). We've done long distance before for 3 months and gotten through it fine, which is why I couldn't understand why she wouldn't even consider it this time.

 

To be honest, her reason for wanting to go was that it was her childhood dream - but she had never mentioned this before, even when I asked her about it after a show and when she was watching circus soleil. It might just be that I now question everything she said in the last few months, but now I wonder whether she really was just chasing him (he was was going to join solo, but they did a duet act together at the audition, he got invited and they asked him if she wanted to come as well. He does magic/acro/juggling etc). I dunno. I'll probably never get a real answer.

 

Cheating aside for a moment, she joined the circus. Are you also a part? Because I am thinking your futures were going in a very different trajectory.

[Aaron Hodges]

Sounds exactly like me ex. Funny thing is, I know she is a good person, she's just made some really bad decisions that led her down an awful route. But that doesn't make it any better, or easier for me.

 

As for the karma, I hope so. In her case, it could come rather quickly, since she is now living and working at an 8 person circus with this guy.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, another way to think of it was that there were things she was unhappy with with you that got highlighted with the other guy and h was the catalyst to leave a situation she was already unhappy with. What I am getting fromw hat you are saying is that you were long distance for three months (not a problem for you but maybe eroded her feelings) and she got the impression you didn't like the circus (didn't feel supported in what she was doing). I don't think people "do" acrobatics on the side unless it's a fairly serious passion and so I get the sense that her focusand who she was really shiften. I can see if she idn't feel if you two didn't have a future.

[Aaron Hodges]

Oh we were long distance two years ago, we'd actually been living together for a year when she left. We did hit a rough patch when she started dedicating a lot of time to her acrobatics, which along with her university and my work meant we didn't find much time together. Which led to frustrating from both of us. I did try to talk to her about it, that I wanted to support her acrobatics, but that it was starting to feel like spending time with me was more a chore, rather than something she wanted to do.

 

The frustrating thing is we didn't start having these problems until he came into the picture. That was when we started to drift apart. When she got accepted into the circus she finally dumped a whole bunch of problems on me that she had never mentioned before (I had to really push for this, because I felt there was more going on than just the circus). The thing was, they weren't serious issues, and if she'd actually came and talked to me about them they wouldn't have been difficult to work on. But she never mentioned anything (I actually remember asking her a few months before the breakup, just casually, if there was anything I could do better.). This was just the wierdest thing, because we always maintained that if we had problems in the relationship, we should talk about them to each other, and if we truly loved each other enough we would work on them. I admit I wasn't always the best at that, but when something really bothered me I would eventually talk to her about it.

 

I see now that everything she brought up were actually things she had been getting from her acrobatic partner, and I guess yes in that way her relationship with him did highlight my deficiencies.

 

The other thing is, she was having a lot of VERY physical fun with her acrobatic partner. At night, during the day, etc. And that grew into meeting for coffee, her comforting him when his girlfriend broke up with him, going to the pools together. Of course they were at uni they had the time, but with working fulltime I couldn't spend all that time with her (much as I would have liked to). Especially since all her assignments and a lot of her acrobatics were in the evenings when I had free time. And especially when she was keeping these problems from me.

This is what she was doing:

 

 

I should also note, we stayed together two weeks after she told me about all these problems. During which I did my absolute best to show her they could be overcome. Her response was to start distancing herself from me, seeing her acro partner even more, and even blowing off dancing with me (one of her problems was we'd didn't have something like acro to share together) because she had a 'sore eye' and then going to the pools with the acro partner. Then we were going to go on a trip we'd been planning for a long time for the long weekend, she said she needed some space to think and decide what she wanted. I said ok, and we then had the best night together we'd had in a long time. She went home to think (but not make a decision she said). She came back and ended things.

 

 

Well, another way to think of it was that there were things she was unhappy with with you that got highlighted with the other guy and h was the catalyst to leave a situation she was already unhappy with. What I am getting fromw hat you are saying is that you were long distance for three months (not a problem for you but maybe eroded her feelings) and she got the impression you didn't like the circus (didn't feel supported in what she was doing). I don't think people "do" acrobatics on the side unless it's a fairly serious passion and so I get the sense that her focusand who she was really shiften. I can see if she idn't feel if you two didn't have a future.

[Ms Darcy]

I understand your need to blame everything on this guy but the more you write the less surprised I am she left. The desire to move in the acrobat direction and the accumulation of issues between you really spelled the end. And the rough patch was the signal.

 

Please don't underestimate the intelligence of women. We.don't leave relations where we are happy. We leave when we are.not happy .... after weeks and months of disengaging and after thinking about it for a while.

 

This guy was.a catalyst ... not the cause.

[Aaron Hodges]

It seems though that we reallly only started drifting apart once she really started working one on one with him. Before that we talked a lot more about any issues we might have, and in general there wasn't anything huge that we'd been unhappy with. But believe me, I know I wasn't perfect. And I feel the more she was with him, the more she started seeing problems and forgetting about the good things we did have.

 

Either way, what I get so angry about isn't so much to do with those things. It was:

1. She asked me to trust her with this guy. We'd talked about what she was doing a few guys, and she always insisted he was just a friend, that she loved me and didn't think about him like that. And even though I was afraid that he had other ideas, I decided I loved her and that I could trust her to do this stuff with him. Because I could see it really made her happy. Then for her to get together with him so shortly after the breakup, it just devastated me. Because she'd asked so much of me to trust her with him.

 

2. I'm not saying the relationship was perfect. But the majority of the relationship we'd been happy. Heck we lived together, loved each other, had planned moving to england together at the end of this year. And I feel that if she had problems with me or the relationship, she should have come and talked to me about them, so we could have worked on them together. Not leave things sitting in the background and holding them against me, while she went and got them from elsewhere.

 

I understand your need to blame everything on this guy but the more you write the less surprised I am she left. The desire to move in the acrobat direction and the accumulation of issues between you really spelled the end. And the rough patch was the signal.

 

Please don't underestimate the intelligence of women. We.don't leave relations where we are happy. We leave when we are.not happy .... after weeks and months of disengaging and after thinking about it for a while.

 

This guy was.a catalyst ... not the cause.

[sharky988]

There's never an excuse for cheating.

 

It's on her -- and the more you describe it, the worse her behavior sounds.

 

It's very hard to take someone you love off that pedestal, but in time you'll find it's easier to reconcile who you believed she was with who she actually is. It's not that she's a bad person -- but what she DID was bad, selfish, etc.

 

Please don't put the blame on yourself. If there were problems in the relationship, a worthy partner will address them and work them through with you -- not turn to someone else. I'm pretty sure she'll be doing the same to this new guy as well.

[Ms Darcy]

I'm not saying the relationship was perfect. But the majority of the relationship we'd been happy. Heck we lived together, loved each other, had planned moving to england together at the end of this year. And I feel that if she had problems with me or the relationship, she should have come and talked to me about them, so we could have worked on them together. Not leave things sitting in the background and holding them against me, while she went and got them from elsewhere.

 

What were you going to do in England at the end of the year? What was she going to do? I assume she is no longer going now, correct?

 

I agree with these statements. It sounds like she had these build up of resentments and didn't tell you about them until she had decided you weren't right for each other/it was too late.

 

Yes, she should have told you about her concerns. No doubt about that. It is meaningful that she chose not to.

[Aaron Hodges]

We were going to work part time in England and spend the rest of the time travelling Europe. Last I spoke to her she had no idea what her plans were after the circus, but I know that is something she still wants to do one day.

 

Yeah, her not telling me is very confusing to me. The first two years at least of our relationship we were pretty honest to each other when we had concerns. I don't know what happened to change that. We just really started to drift apart the last six months, or more it felt like she was drifting away and there was nothing I could do to stop it. It just really hurts that she couldn't even give me that chance, because during the last two weeks I feel I really did show that the things she were worried about were not that difficult to deal with. And in actual fact, some things like my staying at home more than I used to were so I could actually get to spend time with her - between her acro and her university assignments it really didn't feel like she had time for me anymore.

 

What were you going to do in England at the end of the year? What was she going to do? I assume she is no longer going now, correct?

 

I agree with these statements. It sounds like she had these build up of resentments and didn't tell you about them until she had decided you weren't right for each other/it was too late.

 

Yes, she should have told you about her concerns. No doubt about that. It is meaningful that she chose not to.

[Lucha]

 

Please don't put the blame on yourself. If there were problems in the relationship, a worthy partner will address them and work them through with you -- not turn to someone else. I'm pretty sure she'll be doing the same to this new guy as well.

 

Exactly, history will probably repeat itself..

[Aaron Hodges]

The frustrating thing is, I remember a conversation we had a year ago. We talked about how amazing it was that we'd become so close. And we agreed that we were basically family/best friends, and because of that we couldn't really imagine ever breaking up, because it would be like breaking up with your best friend. We agreed that because we were best friends if we had issues we could always work through them.

 

 

Exactly, history will probably repeat itself..

 

 

Please don't put the blame on yourself. If there were problems in the relationship, a worthy partner will address them and work them through with you -- not turn to someone else. I'm pretty sure she'll be doing the same to this new guy as well.

[Ms Darcy]

It just really hurts that she couldn't even give me that chance, because during the last two weeks I feel I really did show that the things she were worried about were not that difficult to deal with. And in actual fact, some things like my staying at home more than I used to were so I could actually get to spend time with her - between her acro and her university assignments it really didn't feel like she had time for me anymore.

 

So why were you staying at home more?

[sharky988]

There's no excuse for cheating. Please, don't blame yourself. This one's on her.

 

If she had issues or problems with your relationship.... she didn't need to turn to another guy. She could've worked them out with you -- but chose instead to get swept up in the excitment and newness of the honeymoon phase with someone else. Nice!

[Aaron Hodges]

Two reasons, first because I was often tired from working fulltime. But the larger reason was because it was the only time I actually got to spend quality time with her (we lived together). She had her acrobatics 2-3 evenings a week (plus about an hour a day alone with him at the gym at uni), and when she was doing that I had a few things I would do (taekwondo and swimming mostly). The rest of the time she was usually working on assignments or studying for tests for uni, and I didn't feel like she had time to go out and do anything with me (at least for her final year). So I would stay home with her, so when she had a break or finished for the night we could watch tv, massage each other,etc, which she used to enjoy.

 

In hind sight I wish I had made more effort to get us both out doing something together on an evening. I had mentioned dancing to her a number of times, but we never seemed to find the time to start it.

 

I guess I was just waiting for her to finish uni in November last year, because that was meant to take a lot of the strain off her time. We had talked about this a bit, but things just seemed to keep getting worse. We knew at the start of the year it was going to be difficult my starting work with her still studying. I guess we just underestimated how hard.

 

So why were you staying at home more?