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No Contact, from a different perspective.


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I've read tons and tons of posts on here, and I would like to talk about the other side of things.

I've seen the lists, the ideas for personal growth and all of that.

All situations are different. Even on the surface it may seem the same to outsiders, but unless it involves you or the other person, no one knows what's going on or what you are feeling. If you look at the same exact 3 houses, the 3 different families tell a different story. Not all the same things are going on in those houses.

I'm not saying NC is a bad idea, it does help with growth and with healing and moving on. Yes.

But if you want to talk to this person, talk to them. Just be prepared for whatever happens next. Make it relaxed and sincere and you won't come off needy and confused. Simple things you can say, like Hi or What's up aren't mind blowing things to anyone's world.

One Valentine's Day, I texted an ex that had moved on before even breaking up with me. I told her Happy Valentines Day, she did the same, I made a joke we laughed. Did I go crazy interpreting every single thing she ever said? Maybe to some extent, but it was fine talking to her.

People heal at their own speed. As hard as it is on the person dumped, it's just as hard on the person doing the dumping. It's not an easy choice, if it was an easy choice, forums like this would not exist. I have quite a few posts on here, asking for advice, about NC.

The truth is I set the NC rule with my GF because she asked for a break and space, and sparing feelings or not, if someone doesn't want you, they are going to tell you. As of this posting we are still together, with NC in tact, minus two texts yesterday. Nothing is official. It is all under the idea she will work on herself, then us after the NC is over. But did she freak out, when I texted, No. Did I? No.

I guess a lot of this may seem like rambling. But buried here is a point.

Don't push. Don't seem needy. Contacting someone doesn't mean you are weak, it means you're ready to talk to them. If you do it ahead of that time, make it simple, and don't break down when they don't text back. Maybe they were ready to move on, simple text or not. So if you're reading this, and you're curious if you should text your ex, I say why not, BUT, be prepared for what happens next.

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Your advice doesn't work for the codependent, those unable to let go and anyone else who is still wanting who has left them. Like you say, not everyone is the same. You are fine with it (so you say) but to suggest to people as noted to do what you do isn't prudent, and it's doing the exact opposite of what you suggest regarding not everyone being the same.

 

NC is a proven method of getting over someone and getting to the point of indifference to them so that you are free of mind and heart which is needed to make your next relationship a successful one.

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Understood. I'm not saying it doesn't work. I'm saying if you want to talk to your ex, be ready for anything. It does help heal, I know this. But it's not the only solution, not by a longshot. I would think it would help people, that are questioning when exes text them. I say text them back if you're ready, if not, don't. It doesn't mean you need to freak out. Take a breathe, ask yourself, Am I Ready for what happens next? Then if there is doubt you are, stick to the NC. But if you can handle it, go for it.

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Well, fame we'll just have to agree to disagree. No harm no foul however: I don't think there is any place for ex's in our lives. They cause us reasons to not be open to new relationships. They cause us discontent in new relationships, I don't care to be demoted from lover to "just friend." If nothing has changed from why we broke up in the first place then why bother entertaining a crumb from someone that didn't want me or torment someone I didn't want with mere crumbs? Self-respect, love of self, confidence, no need to keep old relationship baggage around, are all good reasons to keep no contact at no contact. IMO.

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Perhaps I don't understand the freak out posts. And the What does it mean posts. If someone who was a major force in your life, says hi, I don't think by any means you should freak out in all caps and wonder if they want to get back together. I think you should make a choice. You can continue, with the NC and live life. Or you can see that someone who just (insert how many months or years here) had this major impact in your life, wants to talk to you and say Hi. Could be you say Hi and never hear from them again. You could start, oh I don't know, a normal conversation.

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I think remaining in contact with an ex isn't necessarily harmful provided a) you aren't having trouble letting go and have accepted the idea that the relationship is over and b) the ex isn't someone who is willing to play you like a cheap violin for their own selfish wants and needs and c) the ex isn't abusive and/or dangerous to you in some way. And like you said if you can stay in touch while being prepared and willing to accept anything that happens then great. Oh that it were that easy for most of us though. Too often when one person doesn't want the relationship to end contact of any sort keeps that flame of hope and grief alive and they stay stuck, unable to get distance and perspective that will let them heal.

 

Fairly sane, healthy relationships are the ones that are most likely able to do such a thing and still remain okay with contact. We don't see much about healthy breakups between people on this forum though, because most do not feel the need to reach out for advice and solace. They just break up and move on and it's no big deal. Not so for those who are codepedent or have been abused or are obsessed to one degree or another or are being manipulated. In those instances NC is the only solution. Otherwise it's like telling an alcoholic they can walk into a bar and have that drink, just be ready for the consequences. No, they can't.

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This tactic is fine for people who can handle it. But, there are other people who may be either obsessive, insecure, paranoid, dependant, or still madly in love. These people may freak out over a simple text message, and in that case, it is best for them to stay NC.

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