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An honest answer for an honest question.


MariGirlXO

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Hi all. I am currently in a relationship for nearly a year. Within a month of being with him, I had happened to come accross an email between him and his ex (Happened a month before we officially became a couple). He was in a relationship with this woman for 2 years. She cheated on him and from what I heard from others who know him well, it was also a "childish" relationship. He never mentioned the email to me until I confronted him. His excuse as to why he didn't tell me is because of a past experience of him being honest and I guess it caused him problems within that relationship. Now let me make TWO things clear since it's important to my question.

 

1. When he had started his last recent relationship (before me to be clear) she wanted to get back with him. He said no, he was seeing someone else.

 

2. When that relationship ended, he went back to her and ask if they can rekindled their relationship. She at the moment was considering it but I guess she chose her current boyfriend over him.

 

Now, this is where it gets hard. He was best friends with her cousin. When he rejected her to be with his last recent ex, she wanted them to end their friendship. The cousin was reluctant to do so. The friendship continued.

 

So back to the email I found, I was upset he didn't tell me and that they did consider a relationship with her before he had started this relationship with me. I felt, at first, like he was hiding this from me & also I felt like a rebound sort to speak. Since she wouldn't leave her current relationship for him, he had seek another. Which also made me feel completely stupid. She tried to get in contact with his sister months of them not speaking or him speaking to her cousin as well since he had given up the friendship for us. But has recently admitted to wanting the friendship again.

 

Now, I am willing to give him what he pleases. I really am. But I'm hesitant simply because of hiding something small like the email & of course, they're history of running back and forth to each other. He claims to want nothing to do with her, etc. Again, that's hard to believe. I know if there's no trust, there's no point. I can simply walk away and NOT deal with this. Especially since I have a 3 year old child from a previous relationship ( who loves him dearly ) and I'm also pregnant with his child. I feel like despite this home we created (we live together) and the effort we've both made; perhaps this is what he wants but not with me.

 

How can I go about this to make him see as to WHY I'm uncomfortable? Or is it absolutely wrong of me to feel this way?

 

Sarcastic answers welcome. Honest answers are appreciated! Thanks in advance!

 

XO

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I hope you can see your relationship more in the here and now. What happened before you two were official, happened before it would have been an issue as far as I can read from your post.

 

Each of you has a past. We all have people we loved, and may even still love. Everybody gets rejected at one point or another and of course we chose someone else. That in itself doesn't have to mean anything. I don't reject the people I choose to be in relationship with because they were rejected by a previous lover. There's absolutely no reason for you to feel stupid.

 

This is not yours to control. It's his. Our past is a part of who we are but it does not mean it's a present threat. Even considering their history (many relationships have gone back and forth). These are his in as much or as little as he would like to share them with you. You have your own past as well, you have the same privilege.

 

If your gut is really telling you something that's another story altogether, but from what you've written here I'm not sure why you would feel he wants something other than you. I don't even get the sense that you don't trust him. It sounds more like you are dealing with personal insecurities that he can't really help you with.

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Do you know how long before you two got together it was that he approached his ex about getting back together?

 

It's difficult to advise because you don't seem to have a clear idea as to what an acceptable outcome would be for you. Do you just want reassurance that he isn't on the rebound with you? Do you not want him to stay in contact with his ex's cousin?

 

If you're just feeling a bit insecure generally about him and his ex then there's not an awful lot he can say or do to make you feel better about that.

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Honest answers are appreciated!
Keep that in mind when I say without prejudice or judgement but just stating the facts as I've read from othr men: Having two children with two different men, believe it or not puts your value at a much lower level then a woman that has no children or one that has only one father to her children. If I were you, I'd not want to cause such an unneccessary problem within this relationship. He's told you he wants nothing else to do with her and he's not talked to her since before you two became official. Choose your battles. Unless he's showing you actual red flag behaviour or shady goings on then get real.

 

I'll add that if you are worried about your daughter who has become attached to this man then why would you get so involved so quickly with him in the first place? Now she has two men in her life. Only make it three (or more) if you are one hundred percent seeing mistrustful actions from this man rather then projecting your own insecurities and lack of confidence onto him. (which it appears to me is what exactly you are currently doing)

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Thank you for your responses. I don't think I'm insecure. Yes, we all have a past. Again, I have a daughter who's three years old. Like my current boyfriend, I was once close to a family member (my daughter's Aunt by marriage). She and I did everything together. When my ex of 7 years and I broke up, my relationship with her kind of distanced. We spoke here and there about ourselves and how our children are doing. Recently while chatting with my daughter's father, he told me she had told him about me asking whether he was happy with his new relationship. I hadn't. My current boyfriend can read every message i sent out whether its on social media, text or email. So he knows this is true. But that made me upset because not only haven't we spoken (my daughter's Aunt) she was giving him false hope that could of had lead to trouble. I let my friendship go before she even mentioned that because my daughter's father tends to always proclaim his love/affection for me.

 

Truth be told, I am a very confident person. I do love myself dearly. What I provide now for this man, this girl never did. I am serious with relationships, I believe in integrity, honesty and not cheating; no matter how bad things get. She cheated on him and spoke to different men. In that sense, he'll be absolutely stupid to run back now. And it's not about trust. Everything is out in the open and we live together.

 

I am just uncomfortable with the fact that they had run back and forth to each other & how she uses people to get to him. So him wanting to be her cousin's friend again, makes me feel like she'll use that again to speak to him. I hope I am as clear as I can be.

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I am just uncomfortable with the fact that they had run back and forth to each other & how she uses people to get to him. So him wanting to be her cousin's friend again, makes me feel like she'll use that again to speak to him. I hope I am as clear as I can be.

 

Maybe she will but if he's truly over her and happy with you then it wont affect him. I would only be concerned if you have reason to believe he might not be completely over her. That is a red flag, chatting to her cousin isn't.

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Maybe she will but if he's truly over her and happy with you then it wont affect him. I would only be concerned if you have reason to believe he might not be completely over her. That is a red flag, chatting to her cousin isn't.

 

I guess I have to let it go and allow him his freedom. I have to keep my confidence and trust in him. If he proves to me otherwise, I guess I'll have to take it from there. So regardless whether some people/men will see my value for having two children from two different men less valuable because of fail relationships; so be it. My last relationship ended due to domestic violence & if this ends with him choosing his ex; I'll have to do what's best for my children and I. Regardless of anyone's opinion or thoughts. I also don't run around with different men nor am I promiscuous; I'll be perfectly fine alone with just my two children.

 

Honesty is what I asked for & honestly is what I got. So thank you all!

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