Guy I met online won't meet me?

[Chickenbutt]

Hello!

 

So I've been talking to a man that I met on an online dating site for more than 6 months now. I've brought up meeting several times, and he never used to give me a straight answer (all he would say is that it's 'him', not 'me') until he eventually moved onto say that he wanted to lose weight before meeting. I am told that I am very attractive, and he is rather attractive though slightly weighty (I snooped him and found pictures of him...I also told him this). I have no issue waiting if this is actually the case, we text everyday all day and talk on the phone here and there, although he sometimes gets weird about talking on the phone. We used to fight a lot about the not meeting thing and about him rarely ever sending me pictures of himself, but I tried not bringing it all up for a while and he's become much more open and he's also been sending more pictures. I'm just a very cautious person and I don't want to waste my time. I myself have a very hard time finding men I like, and I just love this guy and he says he feels the same.

 

Is the weight thing a legitimate excuse? I've told him thousands of times that I'm extremely attracted to him and that I don't care, though he's a very reserved man so I can understand, especially if he is possibly intimidated by me. I'm just not sure how much longer I can wait to find out if he's being genuine or not. And i really don't want to force him to do something he's not comfortable with yet, but at the same time...grow a pair, aha. I wouldn't even bother if we didn't have such a strong connection.

 

Also, we've agreed to be exclusive. Also, we are in our mid 20s. Also, he lives 10 minutes away from me!!

[PaintWithLight]

Something is off here. You have gone down the road for a mile instead of requiring the normal proofs of who you are speaking with.

 

He is on a dating site!! That means,,,,uh...like meeting people??? You are saying things like: you love him and have agreed to be exclusive but yet, you have never had minute one together in real time. It really sounds like he has another relationship with the all reluctance about meeting and 'getting weird about talking on the phone'. He is 10 minutes away and it has been 6 months. Honestly, what does your gut tell you???

[fifregister]

He is probably already involved with someone. And how could you be "exclusive" and have a relationship with someone you've never met? As a "very attractive" woman why would you restrict yourself to a ghost relationship? I realize it's hard to meet people you like, but it's harder to be in this nebulous unrealistic "relationship"? The only thing tethering you two is a bunch of words on the screen and limited phone calls!

 

My girl friend was flirting with a guy who was very persistent but never really wanted to meet in person. Turned out, he was engaged to a very docile clueless girl. I had to do this investigation for her because he worked at my firm. He hid it very well.

[Chickenbutt]

Thanks so much for replying. I've done as much as I possible could have to know he's who he says he is (though how do you ever really know). I've looked through all his family and friends on Facebook and anywhere else online, I got him to show me his license, and everything he ever says about his family checks out. And you're right about the being on an online dating site means you meet people....His profile only has pictures of him when he was younger and thinner, so again it makes me feel like this really is about insecurity. Not that I could ever know until meeting him, but he texts me all the time and is very attentive...Doesn't really seem like he ever does anything else, so I'm not sure about him being in another relationship. But will definitely not discard the idea! And on the phone he is always very timid...so maybe that explains him being weird. Haha I know I keep thinking of excuses...I'm a very shy person as well and I get nervous with when communicating with romantic interests via Skype and/or phone calls...There have been times when I've tried to avoid it. So I don't know, haha

 

My gut says that I am feeling extremely lonely...All I want to do is spend time with him. Some days the weight thing makes sense, other days I think on it and get anxious.

[Rosti87]

I can understand waiting until he looks better, but 6 months is a long time. If you say his pictures are when he was younger and thinner, then he must be huge right now. 6 months is a long to to 'get fit.' Whether or not he is involved with someone else, is kind of moot. I think the insistence on his not wanting you to see him after all this time is disconcerting.

 

I personally think you are wasting time that could be better used in finding a real mate.

[JA0371]

Maybe he's one of those people who have to be transported on a flatbed truck to go anywhere. Would you still find him attractive? Honestly....aside from him looking like the elephant man or hiding something like a gf or wife, there is NO reason he can't meet you, after six months!

[chr8st8na]

six months and 10min away? wow... the biggest flag ive ever seen on here. Not to be condescending but this is not rocket science... he is hiding and even tho he says he loves you, he loves himself more to keep hiding whatever it is he is hiding.

[Live-N-Learn]

This cyber so called relationship is unhealthy.

[Rosti87]

I would also add that it could be someone impersonating someone they know. This happened to my daughter online.

[Fudgie]

Him being weird about talking to you on the phone tells me that someone else is in the picture. Whenever a romantic interest is weird about talking on the phone and you can't ever seem to talk to him on the phone or Skype, or he hangs up suddenly very often, it means that he's most likely attached to someone else, like a wife or a live in girlfriend.

 

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[Kendahke]

Catfish. It's a show on MTV--you can find youtube video of it--also, Dr. Phil did a show on it.

 

Yeah, it could be the weight. It could be he's married or with someone. It could be a woman. People steal pictures all the time from Facebook and repost them as dating site pics.

 

There is no reason in the world why, in 6 months time, he could not have met you if you live 10 minutes away from him.

[chr8st8na]

I think guys are just as bad as girls when it comes to insecurity with their looks... especially if they have been posting old pictures of themselves and don't want people to be disappointed with their actual looks in real life. I have seen it with guys online dating. Luckily it has never been posting a 30yr old picture or they gained 100 lbs when i met with them up in real life. These are the same guys that will ask you over and over again if you are ok with their looks. Kind of like women who keeps asking if they look fat.

 

However physical looks is not a reason not to meet up with someone when they live 10min away... I honestly dont think the problem is the guy too... the problem is why you choose to talk to this guy after he will not meet up with you for 6months, using his insecurity as a barrier to make a real connection, gets 'weird on the phone' and its not like you actually enjoy your phone conversations with him because he is timid. I would say that you have probably created a false love for this person based on attentive texting which in all honesty is kind of sad and unhealthy.

[amipushy]

Sounds like you are either being played by a stranger or being played by a fat guy. Give him an ultimatum , its now or never. And mean it.

[missmarple]

Do you know his home address? His place of work? His home or work number? It's hard to believe that he lives 10 minutes away and, in these 6 months, you never thought of doing a little research (and I don't mean online) to at least see him from afar.

Of course, it goes without saying that something fishy is going on here. Could be his looks, could be he's not who he says he is, he could be married or living with a gf/fiance, even another guy!

But, really, this isn't a case of 'he lives 10 hrs away by plane so I have to take his word for what he says', you know. If you really can't give him up (as you should)...take a 10 minute walk and see for yourself. Or send a friend over with some excuse if you don't want to do it yourself.

[ParisPaulette]

Also, we've agreed to be exclusive. Also, we are in our mid 20s. Also, he lives 10 minutes away from me!!

 

Run. First off, you don't know this guy, you know what he types or says on the phone or what his picture shows of him. You know zero about him though in that who is he really in the day-to-day world. How does he interact with others, what does he do when things go wrong, how does he handle a good day, a bad day, disappointments, temptations, happiness? Those are things you can only see and observe in person. Up until then it's all just zeroes and ones and you can only hope or fantasize that what he types/says into a little electric box is the truth.

 

He lives ten minutes away and still won't meet with you equals something is very, very, very wrong. He's married or in a serious relationship, he has serious social and emotional problems, etc. Most men or women would be more than jumping at the chance to meet up with you, doubly so when they find out you know what they look like and still don't care. So when one isn't then it's time to tell them to cowboy up and put on their big boy pants and come see you. Or stop talking to you altogether. If it's been six months, he's that close, he knows you know what he looks like, and he still won't meet you there's a really good reason for it. One that favors him not ever meeting you, but still he's willing to waste your time.

 

Don't be the girl in the tower waiting for her prince charming to show up, 'cause that won't happen. Date a real guy in the real world and you'll be a lot happier. I did the whole long distance for a year with a guy I met through my work when I was younger. It was grand, we were in love, I thought I had found the perfect match. I finally moved to where the guy was after a year and we got together. And it all fell apart within three weeks, because what he didn't tell me and I couldn't see is that he was an addict. A really, really big addict to pills and booze and he'd just fall apart over the littlest things. Lesson learned, I stopped falling for images fed to me by people and just started dating the ones in front of me. I suggest you do the same.

[Batya33]

What's the real reason you've been waiting around this long? Is it more comfortable to fantasize about a stranger (for practical purposes he is) you are typing and talking to than have to do the work of building a real romantic relationship? As for me if a man didn't make plans to meet within a week of our first contact through an on line site I moved on unless he was out of town temporarily or there was some emergency situation. We emailed a few times, one or two phone calls, and then made plans to meet if it seemed like it would be comfortable to meet in a public place for an hour. It all depends what you want -if you want an elusive chat buddy that's him. If you want to date someone with potential for a relationship you've known for at least 5 months or longer that it is not him.